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AH is in jail and of course, I'm to blame...I have feelings of guilt, wisdom please!



AH is in jail and of course, I'm to blame...I have feelings of guilt, wisdom please!

Old 09-26-2010, 02:08 PM
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AH is in jail and of course, I'm to blame...I have feelings of guilt, wisdom please!

Well, after yesterday morning's incident with AH again sleeping in the shed, and blaming me for everything, he pulls up in front of my house last nite about 6 pm with his good friend TL, who is another dirt bag alcoholic POS, who drives around with a huge cooler full of beer in his car. AH says since he lost his wallet the nite before, he wants his credit card statements to call in the cards stolen. I'm like "fine" and follow him upstairs to get them. I said to him "I want to see each statement you are taking" cause hey, you never know w/him, he could take one of my bank statements and have come skank call up pretending she is me (AH knows all my pertinent information) and they can get a debit card or something and clear out my money. I wasn't trusting the situation. Anyway, I see him sneak something in his pocket, so of course, when we go downstairs, I say I want to see it. He shoves it at me, says "here" and it's the last of his retirement money statement. I said "oh no, you are NOT taking any more money that will have to be split in the divorce!" He tries to wrestle it out of my hand, in the interim, cutting my finger somehow. In any event, I decide to give it to him, and not meanly, tap him on the cheek and say "use it wisely cause it's the last money you will ever get out of me" (it was not even in the remotest way a slap, just a slight tap as I said it, like "be gone"). Well, he starts screaming to his friend to call the police, that I hit him, saying "you saw that TL, she hit me!" and ranting and raving about calling the police. I go across the street to my neighbors, I say he's out of control, meanwhile he's out there saying we're both gonna go down and be arrested. Duh! I'm not intoxicated, I'm not violating probation, I didn't do anything, and he thinks we're both going to go down???? Anyway, I tell him just get out of there w/his dirt bag POS friend, he still screaming in the streets. My one neighbor, who is friends w/AH, comes over and says "this is your wife you're talking about" and AH goes off on how I'm not his wife, that I'm a sl*t, how I like to do all (graphic) sexually, etc. The neighbor/friend walks away from him and comes across the street to me and says "I'm sorry ..." he didn't know what else to say. So then AH comes over to my neighbor's house, spits at the ground near my feet and gets up in my face twice to try and intimidate me, guess cause I was calling is "friend" names. Anyway, my neighbor, a great guy who is on probation for dwi and hasn't drank in 4 years, really wanted to go at him, but was afraid he would be arrested to violating probation, so he called the police. The police come, they were gonna make him leave and notify his PO but AH starts saying "wait till I get out! i'M COMING BACK FOR YOU!!!" Well, with that, they handcuff and arrest him. He's in alot of trouble again now, and of course, it's all my fault according to him. And in my mind, I know it's not my fault, but he does have me brainwashed in a way that it is ... They really sometimes do a number on us mentally, that I don't think most people, even in Alanon, can truly understand. But now I'm thinking ... well maybe if I handled things differently, like that tap on the face ... things would not have played out this way.
I went to court this morning, his bail is set at $2000.00, he does not have that as far as I know, and none of his friends would either. He called my son to bail him out, but son was like "no way". There is a stay away order in place, and his court date is Wednesday. They recommend I go, in case the DA has any questions for me.
I need help in feeling that I'm not to blame for this...or am I????
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:13 PM
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I doubt his friends would spend their beer money on it.

Sorry you had to go through that but glad your neighbours were decent - also glad the police came.
Don't worry too much about what you could and should have done different cos it won't change what happened. Work instead on what you are going to do next.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:14 PM
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Please don't second guess yourself. He is a dangerous man, he is where he needs to be. Now, is your opportunity to keep him out of the house, I wouldn't vasilate,I would move like the wind.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:16 PM
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Good for you! You are not to blame in any way. I would like to see you go to court weds and stand up for yourself. He brought these things on himself and if you back down the cycle will get faster and a lot worse (ending many times in death).Take care of you and yours and let him deal with his own problems.
Sounds like it was a pretty bad scene and I'm sorry you had to go through that, make last time THE last time!
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:42 PM
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so?...now what?...this has happened....what are you gonna do when he comes HOME? then what....?

set your boundaries....
change the locks
cancel credit cards....

THINK! THINK!
ARE YOU READY WHEN HE COMES HOME?
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:43 PM
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It's NOT your fault. And even if you slapped him hard on the face, he deserved it.

I hope he stays out of your life and soon so you can find some piece of mind in life.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
AH says since he lost his wallet the nite before, he wants his credit card statements to call in the cards stolen. I'm like "fine" and follow him upstairs to get them. I said to him "I want to see each statement you are taking" cause hey, you never know w/him, he could take one of my bank statements and have come skank call up pretending she is me (AH knows all my pertinent information) and they can get a debit card or something and clear out my money. I wasn't trusting the situation. Anyway, I see him sneak something in his pocket, so of course, when we go downstairs, I say I want to see it. He shoves it at me, says "here" and it's the last of his retirement money statement. I said "oh no, you are NOT taking any more money that will have to be split in the divorce!"???
I knew that my AH (alcoholic husband) knew my pertinent info: SS#, DOB, maiden name, mother's maiden name, etc. I had a block put on my personal accounts at my bank. I can not call the toll free number and find out my balance, I can not call the bank and ask them to order checks, debit cards, etc. I have to go into the branch and show i.d. for anything involving my accounts. I have been divorced 1 3/4 years and I still have the block on my accounts.
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Old 09-26-2010, 03:49 PM
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It's your fault he's an idiot who screams in the street, screams at the neighbors, and screams idiotic things in front of the police?

I need the rolling eyeball smilie again.

Honestly, what a putz.

I hope they keep him this time...for a long time.
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
It's your fault he's an idiot who screams in the street, screams at the neighbors, and screams idiotic things in front of the police?

I need the rolling eyeball smilie again.

Honestly, what a putz.

I hope they keep him this time...for a long time.
:rotfxko
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:19 PM
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Firstly, Go to court!!!
It is so frustrating for police to constantly deal with these cases only to have the victims retract only to start all over again! It spirals down and the statistics are not in your favor.
Fair play to your son for saying no! Isn't he the smart one?
I think your husband is not a nice person at the moment. Protect your money, mind, body from this guy. You can put security on your bank accounts etc. Freeze his bank accounts etc.
Don't get scared, get mad and get busy! Good luck.
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Old 09-26-2010, 04:52 PM
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Yeah, all my accounts also have a secret password on them. A little inconvient, but well worth it.
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Hollyanne View Post
Don't get scared, get mad and get busy! Good luck.
its amazing what you can do when we get mad!! leave the guilt at the door and just DO
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:09 PM
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Thank you all for your replies. I really feel I am a strong woman, a woman who kept to my boundaries with my AH and especially my daughter (I fought my daughter in court tooth and nail to get her kids from her). My daughter is not in recovery, we don't answer the phone on the rare occasions she calls, sheis not to have contact with me or the kids. I have let her sleep in the streets, didn't care, it was HER problem.

Last year when AH left me, he went to our place upstate for two months before he managed to get three DWI's on his own. During those two months, I managed on my own, went no contact, and was fine with it all. He chose to leave us, I was upset for a bit cause he blew all the retirement money, but oh well, sometimes you gotta lose. After he was in jail, he wrote me and called me. We talked. He was in the special program in jail for alcoholism receividism type thing. Total alcohol counseling every day, AA meetings, etc. Yes, I went against my son's advice and let him come back home while he was on house arrest because he really seemed to have gotten it. I thought that was his bottom. Everyone has a bottom, and I thought maybe that was it. He was doing well for months. That is why this is all getting to me. I was used to the sober, in recovery man I had for over 15 years straight at one point (yes, he managed to stay sober from 1989 to like 2005 without a single relapse and was a great husband and father). He managed to do that once, I thought this was it, he can do it again. I am in counseling once a week individually and once a week group for co-dependents. This is not my "comfort zone" (sorry anvilhead, you know I love ya and so much value your input but this one you are wrong on). I love peace and serenity, I was just foolish enough to give him this chance. Much like you and your boyfriend are in recovery ... you gave him the chance, and you've had him clean and sober for years now. You are happy. What if he was to relapse tomorrow? Wouldn't it kinda take you aback? I liked my life when he was gone, I was happy. But I also do and always will love him, even if we could never live together and I will get passed this. It's just that it all came flooding back to me when the police got involved, from years past, that it would be all my fault somehow someway ... so I guess I am having a codie relapse. But it is not the way I am used to my life being, it is definitely not my "comfort zone", pipe dream maybe, but not "comfort zone". I have had the same therapist for almost 2 years now, and I am going to bring that up with her and my group therapist, who know me better than I know myself. It's a good point to bring up, but I really don't think it's true. I think it was more of me being foolish enough to think that it could have been his bottom, and that I could have had a wonderful, sober husband back and grow old together ... I think at one point we all have those dreams before we have to face reality ... it most times ain't gonna happen.
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:27 PM
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Queenteree,
I am sorry that you are having to go through this grief.

About whether you caused this- He was in your house to do something wrong.
You did not hurt him with that tap- he was being ridiculous and in your face.
Taking his anger out on you.
I would be afraid of his mental state, personally, and get myself protected.
show up in court.
get out of the way of his bottom.
he is making his bed and making you lie in it too.

get mad- that is great advice, for it will get you thinking , and you need to protect yourself- financially and physically.
sorry for the pain, but he is not wanting to be a good person right now, and needs to feel some pain.
he will financially ruin you if he can, due to his sickness.
take care of you-
chicory
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Old 09-26-2010, 05:56 PM
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If I were you I would;

Go to court as asked and get a PPO (even if you have to use keeping him away from the grandkids as an excuse)
See a DV couselor (what has been happening with him is DV)
File for separation or divorce, whatever it is you can get right now
Get an temporary order to maintain status quo (to stop him from emptying his accounts further)

You need to keep him away so you can get strong enough to keep him away for good.
Put a fraud alert on your credit reports
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:02 PM
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A few days ago, you were planning on what to do with that big life insurance check you were going to get when he drinks himself to death. Now, your saying you gave him a "chance" because you want the wonderful, sober husband you once had back so you can grow old together? Huh?

L
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:14 PM
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Anvilhead, you know I do always ask for your guidance. I value your wisdom so much, I really do. I could not legally change the locks, cannot until I am legally separated which would require him to sign the separation agreement. That is a legal fact, I already consulted a very experienced attorney, I have been in the legal field for over 20 years. When AH first relapse, I called the police, told him he was on probation, and said he was gone from the house and if he came back and I called, would they come arrest him. They said they couldn't violate him on probation, only his po can do that and that he has a legal right to be at my house, even while intoxciated as my order does not have that in it (they looked it up for me). So that is why we never changed the locks on the shed. AH would have just started banging on the door and the police in my town would have said I had to let him in, which would have made the situation worse.

I let him in cause I guess I just felt like he was going to keep coming here, I was trying to detach with love and let him get his statements and then move on. I should have known better. And we were already outside when the altercation happened, I removed myself from the situation to go across the street to the neighbors house. I thought Kevin would just leave with his papers but he continually created the chaos and when he came to the neighbors house and did what he did, that is when my neighbor called the police. I am by no means minimizing the situation, saying it wasn't that bad. It is something that I never wanted to live thru again, but unfortunately, I did chose to take him back after jail,believing him, and yes, I have to bear the consequences of that choice, which is this. The only thing I am upset about is that I want things to happen at his hands, not mine. I don't want to be the one to be blamed. Guess it stems from my upbringing in an alcoholic home, my father was the alcoholic and my mother never drank. My father never blamed me for anything, was a great father, loving, understanding ... my mother was mean, very mean, and totally not understanding at all. And if anything went wrong, it was "theresa's" fault. I have two sisters, one younger and one older. My mother would refer to them as "My M" and "My K" but I was always "THAT Theresa". Once my father died, my mother became a major alkie, so maybe, because when we were growing up she never drank an alcoholic drink in her life, she was a dry drunk, who knows. But I was always blamed for something ... Not making excuses, but that is my only issue here is for someone to set it to me straight, get it thru my head once and for all, that I am not to blame ...

I am going to go to court, stand up for myself, but to see him "glaring" at me, as if I put him there ... it's just hard. But I still say it's not my "comfort" zone.

But Anvil, please, keep responding, cause it does give me things to think about and dig deep about, and I so very much appreciate your straight talk.
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:15 PM
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I find that the less interaction I have with practicing alcoholics and addicts, the more serene, peaceful and happy I am. Because I do not let them into my house or into my life, I have nothing to feel guilty about. I hope you find peace soon Queenteree.
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
LTD, I did not give him a chance NOW, I gave him a chance last year after his dwi's, and he was in jail. I told him then it was his last chance .... the life ins. check was last week, nobody said I was giving him another chance now ....
Then talking about last year has nothing to do with the situation NOW. It matters not one bit how you got here. What matters now is where you go from here. He can lay his guilt at your feet all day long. It's your choice to pick it up. If glaring at you in court is the worst thing you have to worry about, then you are miles better off than worrying about him coming around, breaking in, and abusing you.

The past (his sober time, his dwi's, the chances you gave him) is irrelevant now. The future (his bottom, his death, life insurance settlement) is also irrelevant. The only thing that is relevant right now is right now. None of us can change the past or predict the future. Fortunately, it simplifies things immensely when we stay in the present.

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Old 09-26-2010, 06:56 PM
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Not making excuses, but that is my only issue here is for someone to set it to me straight, get it thru my head once and for all, that I am not to blame ..
My experience is this: Five million people can tell me I am not to blame. The only thing that's worked is when I've told myself. I changed what i say to myself, about myself.

Try this-try repeating outloud, every 15 minutes if you have to the words you've always wanted to hear.

Here are mine. I print them out and repeat them to myself. It works miracles

I am willing to change
I now realize
I’ve created this condition
I am now willing
to release the pattern
In my consciousness
that is responsible
for this condition

I am willing to release
the need to be unworthy
I am willing to release
the need to be impoverished
I am willing to release
the need to be chaotic


As I spend a few days
doing these affirmations
over and over
my outer effect pattern
of procrastination
fear and self sabatoge
will automatically begin to fade

I love and approve of myself
I experience love wherever I go
I have a slender, healthy, strong body
I have the perfect living space
I am now very well organized
The perfect solution to every situation
comes clearly to me
Riches of every sort are drawn to me

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