Dealbreakers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Dealbreakers
I am wondering what kind of "dealbreakers" you guys have.
My AH gets out of jail in 12 days and is coming home. He says that when he comes home, he is going to immediately go back to AA and work with a sponsor, etc. He does "know" that any alcohol usage will be the end of this marriage.
Alcohol is the source of probably 90% of our problems, but obviously that's not the only issue here. I want to be clearheaded and have my boundaries firmly set in place before he comes home. It's been a peaceful 6 months and I don't intend to give up my serenity again.
I heard a guy on the radio the other day talking about some people are "dramatized" instead of "traumatized" and I could relate with that. I tend to get caught up in all the things that could happen if I do this or that (or don't do this or that) ~ then my thinking gets fuzzy and I become incapable of making any logical decision. I'm worried that I won't be strong enough again.
I am just wondering what some of your boundaries are... thanks.
My AH gets out of jail in 12 days and is coming home. He says that when he comes home, he is going to immediately go back to AA and work with a sponsor, etc. He does "know" that any alcohol usage will be the end of this marriage.
Alcohol is the source of probably 90% of our problems, but obviously that's not the only issue here. I want to be clearheaded and have my boundaries firmly set in place before he comes home. It's been a peaceful 6 months and I don't intend to give up my serenity again.
I heard a guy on the radio the other day talking about some people are "dramatized" instead of "traumatized" and I could relate with that. I tend to get caught up in all the things that could happen if I do this or that (or don't do this or that) ~ then my thinking gets fuzzy and I become incapable of making any logical decision. I'm worried that I won't be strong enough again.
I am just wondering what some of your boundaries are... thanks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
For me, personally, the kicker was when he signed a new lease on the house we were renting, without my permission, after I had told him we could not afford it. I was the only one working, and I left him to the house HE now was responsible for.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
90 in 90, no using any pot, pills, or alcohol, no porn, no cigarettes in the house, work and $ 50/50.....no decisions without me.......no verbal/mental/physical abuse.......be faithful......allow me to have my program......it isn't 50/50....it's 100/100%......
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by akrasia 
Seriously? Damn.
Refer to when you had "patients" yet you were never a doctor? Over.
Discuss your nursing school stuff with people, though you never went to nursing school? Over.
Discuss your religion (whichever one) even though you aren't of that religion? Over.
Etc.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Originally Posted by KerBearz
I am wondering what kind of "dealbreakers" you guys have.
My AH gets out of jail in 12 days and is coming home. He says that when he comes home, he is going to immediately go back to AA and work with a sponsor, etc. He does "know" that any alcohol usage will be the end of this marriage.
Alcohol is the source of probably 90% of our problems, but obviously that's not the only issue here. I want to be clearheaded and have my boundaries firmly set in place before he comes home. It's been a peaceful 6 months and I don't intend to give up my serenity again.
I heard a guy on the radio the other day talking about some people are "dramatized" instead of "traumatized" and I could relate with that. I tend to get caught up in all the things that could happen if I do this or that (or don't do this or that) ~ then my thinking gets fuzzy and I become incapable of making any logical decision. I'm worried that I won't be strong enough again.
I am just wondering what some of your boundaries are... thanks.
My AH gets out of jail in 12 days and is coming home. He says that when he comes home, he is going to immediately go back to AA and work with a sponsor, etc. He does "know" that any alcohol usage will be the end of this marriage.
Alcohol is the source of probably 90% of our problems, but obviously that's not the only issue here. I want to be clearheaded and have my boundaries firmly set in place before he comes home. It's been a peaceful 6 months and I don't intend to give up my serenity again.
I heard a guy on the radio the other day talking about some people are "dramatized" instead of "traumatized" and I could relate with that. I tend to get caught up in all the things that could happen if I do this or that (or don't do this or that) ~ then my thinking gets fuzzy and I become incapable of making any logical decision. I'm worried that I won't be strong enough again.
I am just wondering what some of your boundaries are... thanks.
It's really one of my biggest problems.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
90 in 90 is 90 meetings in 90 days. It's often recommended for newcomers to AA.
Some people with long-term sobriety disagree that it is necessary or significantly increases the likelihood of success. Personally, I found it helpful in my recovery. I think, though, making 90 in 90 a condition of staying gets us a little too involved in the "nuts and bolts" of the alcoholic's recovery.
Some people with long-term sobriety disagree that it is necessary or significantly increases the likelihood of success. Personally, I found it helpful in my recovery. I think, though, making 90 in 90 a condition of staying gets us a little too involved in the "nuts and bolts" of the alcoholic's recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
90 meetings in 90 days to solidify the fact he needs meetings in early sobriety......and I agree it wouldn't hurt me to go to 90 in 90 Alanon. My (our) therapist told him to do 90 in 90. We saw the therapist together and seperately.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
My dealbreakers have evolved more to what I want and need, and less toward what the other person must do. (i.e. 90 in 90)
Lack of respect...
Lack of honesty...
Being inconsiderate...
Taking advantage...
Etc....
And these apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones. I no longer feel the need to direct anyone on how they should become worthy of having a relationship with me. I simply decide whether I want to be in a relationship with them as they are. And if I don't, then I don't. I'm too old to waste my time trying to change someone else, lol.
L
Lack of respect...
Lack of honesty...
Being inconsiderate...
Taking advantage...
Etc....
And these apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones. I no longer feel the need to direct anyone on how they should become worthy of having a relationship with me. I simply decide whether I want to be in a relationship with them as they are. And if I don't, then I don't. I'm too old to waste my time trying to change someone else, lol.
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
My dealbreakers have evolved more to what I want and need, and less toward what the other person must do. (i.e. 90 in 90)
Lack of respect...
Lack of honesty...
Being inconsiderate...
Taking advantage...
Etc....
And these apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones. I no longer feel the need to direct anyone on how they should become worthy of having a relationship with me. I simply decide whether I want to be in a relationship with them as they are. And if I don't, then I don't. I'm too old to waste my time trying to change someone else, lol.
L
Lack of respect...
Lack of honesty...
Being inconsiderate...
Taking advantage...
Etc....
And these apply to all relationships, not just romantic ones. I no longer feel the need to direct anyone on how they should become worthy of having a relationship with me. I simply decide whether I want to be in a relationship with them as they are. And if I don't, then I don't. I'm too old to waste my time trying to change someone else, lol.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm going to follow this thread. I had what I thought were deal breakers in my head before I got married. Slowly, slowly, I moved passed each one of them. Inch by inch. In the very end I had alcohol use as my deal breaker. Any drinking was a deal breaker. It was more like a way out to be honest. He drank, I left, which is what I wanted to do anyway but didn't want to allow myself that. Kind of spineless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
hm, well, my dealbreakers all went out the window when I started seeing XAH. I threw them out deliberately, thinking I was "freeing" myself and that I needed to learn tolerance. Yah right.
These are what I have mentally put in place, though I haven't had to "test" them yet, because as it stands, the person I am seeing right now, is so far beyond these that they are not an issue.
No infidelity of any kind
No dishonesty
No drug use
No alcohol abuse (I can't drink, but I get that some people have a glass of wine with dinner)
No abuse of any kind--physical, sexual, verbal, emotional
No illegal activities of any kind, even if "totally justifyable!"
The ability to properly manage one's own money
Respect for my family
These are what I have mentally put in place, though I haven't had to "test" them yet, because as it stands, the person I am seeing right now, is so far beyond these that they are not an issue.
No infidelity of any kind
No dishonesty
No drug use
No alcohol abuse (I can't drink, but I get that some people have a glass of wine with dinner)
No abuse of any kind--physical, sexual, verbal, emotional
No illegal activities of any kind, even if "totally justifyable!"
The ability to properly manage one's own money
Respect for my family
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Some requirements:
Knows how to spell.
Has lost count of the books he has read - I mean its just common culture.
Has a spiritual side and cultivates it often.
Does sports/eats healthy (has more options other than tacos/pizza/mcdonalds/KFC)
Optimistic.
Generous (the wise generous, NOT the toxic codie type of "generous")
Would be great if I respect these needs next time
Knows how to spell.
Has lost count of the books he has read - I mean its just common culture.
Has a spiritual side and cultivates it often.
Does sports/eats healthy (has more options other than tacos/pizza/mcdonalds/KFC)
Optimistic.
Generous (the wise generous, NOT the toxic codie type of "generous")
Would be great if I respect these needs next time
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Are you ready and happy to have him back in your home? I am very wary of letting someone into my personal space when I am unsure I am going to be comfortable living with them, I am even more wary of letting someone through my door, when they have done things in the past and are promising to change but haven't yet demonstrated that change.
Just a thought.
Just a thought.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
In ALL of my relationships, if relating with the other person brings me pain, and I communicate my boundaries and needs to that person, and the other person cannot, will not or does not adjust, they are out of my life. It no longer matters to me who is "right" and who is "wrong," if my gut tells me we're a bad match, I don't waste any more of my time or their's.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Thank you for your replies.
I've given this quite a bit of thought and I am thinking along the lines of mutual respect, honesty, integrity, and morality (i.e. no lying, cheating, stealing or pornography). Also, no physical/mental/psychological abuse. Just basic humanity ~ nothing fancy.
The issue seems to be less and less about whether or not he will consume alcohol and more about how being with him makes me feel.
Jen ~ I can't honestly say that I am ready to have him back, but I don't want to delay it either. I want to know what's going to happen here, so that I can make plans for my future (with or without him). It's been a really nice 6 months of peaceful, serene living! I am not about to jump back on the roller coaster ride ~ he will either maintain his sobriety or he will not. It's up to him.
I've given this quite a bit of thought and I am thinking along the lines of mutual respect, honesty, integrity, and morality (i.e. no lying, cheating, stealing or pornography). Also, no physical/mental/psychological abuse. Just basic humanity ~ nothing fancy.
The issue seems to be less and less about whether or not he will consume alcohol and more about how being with him makes me feel.
Jen ~ I can't honestly say that I am ready to have him back, but I don't want to delay it either. I want to know what's going to happen here, so that I can make plans for my future (with or without him). It's been a really nice 6 months of peaceful, serene living! I am not about to jump back on the roller coaster ride ~ he will either maintain his sobriety or he will not. It's up to him.
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