going no contact
seeking recovery
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
going no contact
Hi Everyone,
thankyou for being here! Have been struggling in relationship with ah now xbf for 8 years now..lost count how often I have broken up with him..then sucked back in by his tears and promises to reform. I am worn out by this whole thing.
He has neuropathy now..gone from fit & active to at times after drinking, being able to only stumble around, holding onto furniture. He is still in denial and last breakup went 28 days without booze to get me back.Now he has gone back to his old nasty,jealous,sarcastic ways.. We dont live together thankgod! he lives down the street..I just want to disappear ..adress unknown.
My problem is me..I AM ADDICTED TO HOPE and think each time he will improve.. have somewhat isolated myself with him ..he has become my security blanket,safety net, as he can be good..but his drinking and consequent behaviours are eating away at me. I am emotionally dependant..this is all so pathetic i am a grown woman and mother of 4.
I myself have given up drinking for 92 days..as used to drink along with him..he doesnt think i have a problem and would have me back on the booze ..as then more sexually available.
Today is day 2 no contact and he will be back on the porn sites..I dont care any more but feel mean going no contact as he will spiral down now, up all night drinking, crying ,depression +++.
This is just the same tired, tired, old story and i am sick of it, I have finally started counselling for extra support. Last breakup thought i was DONE but here i am AGAIN cant believe all the time i have wasted.. all for security and the illusion of love.
Am i mean going no contact?
thankyou for being here! Have been struggling in relationship with ah now xbf for 8 years now..lost count how often I have broken up with him..then sucked back in by his tears and promises to reform. I am worn out by this whole thing.
He has neuropathy now..gone from fit & active to at times after drinking, being able to only stumble around, holding onto furniture. He is still in denial and last breakup went 28 days without booze to get me back.Now he has gone back to his old nasty,jealous,sarcastic ways.. We dont live together thankgod! he lives down the street..I just want to disappear ..adress unknown.
My problem is me..I AM ADDICTED TO HOPE and think each time he will improve.. have somewhat isolated myself with him ..he has become my security blanket,safety net, as he can be good..but his drinking and consequent behaviours are eating away at me. I am emotionally dependant..this is all so pathetic i am a grown woman and mother of 4.
I myself have given up drinking for 92 days..as used to drink along with him..he doesnt think i have a problem and would have me back on the booze ..as then more sexually available.
Today is day 2 no contact and he will be back on the porn sites..I dont care any more but feel mean going no contact as he will spiral down now, up all night drinking, crying ,depression +++.
This is just the same tired, tired, old story and i am sick of it, I have finally started counselling for extra support. Last breakup thought i was DONE but here i am AGAIN cant believe all the time i have wasted.. all for security and the illusion of love.
Am i mean going no contact?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey fragrantrose!
Wow 8 years!
From your post it sounds like you have some codependent issues!! It takes one to know one. But you mentioned how you feel bad about going nc because he will spiral down and may hurt himself. For me when I feel that way it means I still have some fundamental belief that I can control the A's drinking, or the A's choices, or influence it, that I can somehow "make things better."
That's where AlAnon and the steps really helped me. I learned heaps just from working step one: I am powerless over other people.
You asked are you mean for going no contact?? I would say 100% no. What's "mean" is when we continue to tolerate people treating us badly, behaving badly. It is mean to ourselves! And if we do not treat ourselves well then no one on the planet will treat us any better!
Make a plan to keep yourself busy & sane. Good on you for getting into counseling, that's being nice to yourself and is a great step towards mental health & growth.
Peace
B
Wow 8 years!
From your post it sounds like you have some codependent issues!! It takes one to know one. But you mentioned how you feel bad about going nc because he will spiral down and may hurt himself. For me when I feel that way it means I still have some fundamental belief that I can control the A's drinking, or the A's choices, or influence it, that I can somehow "make things better."
That's where AlAnon and the steps really helped me. I learned heaps just from working step one: I am powerless over other people.
You asked are you mean for going no contact?? I would say 100% no. What's "mean" is when we continue to tolerate people treating us badly, behaving badly. It is mean to ourselves! And if we do not treat ourselves well then no one on the planet will treat us any better!
Make a plan to keep yourself busy & sane. Good on you for getting into counseling, that's being nice to yourself and is a great step towards mental health & growth.
Peace
B
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
gawd, that all sounds so exhausting!
I am a big believer in no contact when there is lots of manipulation involved - from whichever side, or both. It gives some breathing space to see where the chips may fall and to stop the games in their tracks. It allows time to step back and be drama-free for a while and then, if contact resumes, the unhealthy patterns are more easily discernable.........if there is some work done in between.
You can't control what he does. Who* cares if he looks at porn if you are not together? Why would you want to be with someone who relied on you so much for their behavior modification anyway?
Check out the stickies, especially the ones on potential. You seem to be being sucked into something that doesn't exist. And doing some work on yourself and your own motivations really does the trick at distracting from what he might be doing. You can't hold two thoughts at the same time, you know.
*well, I do, but that's a whole other topic.
I am a big believer in no contact when there is lots of manipulation involved - from whichever side, or both. It gives some breathing space to see where the chips may fall and to stop the games in their tracks. It allows time to step back and be drama-free for a while and then, if contact resumes, the unhealthy patterns are more easily discernable.........if there is some work done in between.
You can't control what he does. Who* cares if he looks at porn if you are not together? Why would you want to be with someone who relied on you so much for their behavior modification anyway?
Check out the stickies, especially the ones on potential. You seem to be being sucked into something that doesn't exist. And doing some work on yourself and your own motivations really does the trick at distracting from what he might be doing. You can't hold two thoughts at the same time, you know.
*well, I do, but that's a whole other topic.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi fragrant rose-
i totally understand. in my relationship, i could see all of the damage and confusion it caused to me...but i could not break the cycle.
what i have discovered is a small success goes a long way to believing in yourself. with each success, each time we take care of ourselves, we get stronger and begin to believe that we can be victorious.
try setting small goals and accomplishing them. for myself, when i decided to take a look at my own life and what i wanted, i decided i wanted to get physically healthy. then i took small steps to do so...got a juicer, started juicing. each time i made a green juice, i toasted myself in the mirror and said "to your health".
once i got the juicing down, i decided i wanted to quit smoking next. i thought "i can do this", "i deserve to be healthy and radiant."
i know it sounds a bit silly, but i began to take care of myself. it wasn't easy, as i had been so busy taking care of him.
today, i feel better, leaner, stronger. a few small successes and my confidence is renewed that i can indeed make healthy choices for myself.
as for your xAH, it appears you know he's taking you on a bad ride. try setting some small goals for yourself like one week without contact. and then, see how you feel at the end of the week. i doubt you will regret it!
take care of yourself and get off that crazy wheel. you deserve it!
naive
i totally understand. in my relationship, i could see all of the damage and confusion it caused to me...but i could not break the cycle.
what i have discovered is a small success goes a long way to believing in yourself. with each success, each time we take care of ourselves, we get stronger and begin to believe that we can be victorious.
try setting small goals and accomplishing them. for myself, when i decided to take a look at my own life and what i wanted, i decided i wanted to get physically healthy. then i took small steps to do so...got a juicer, started juicing. each time i made a green juice, i toasted myself in the mirror and said "to your health".
once i got the juicing down, i decided i wanted to quit smoking next. i thought "i can do this", "i deserve to be healthy and radiant."
i know it sounds a bit silly, but i began to take care of myself. it wasn't easy, as i had been so busy taking care of him.
today, i feel better, leaner, stronger. a few small successes and my confidence is renewed that i can indeed make healthy choices for myself.
as for your xAH, it appears you know he's taking you on a bad ride. try setting some small goals for yourself like one week without contact. and then, see how you feel at the end of the week. i doubt you will regret it!
take care of yourself and get off that crazy wheel. you deserve it!
naive
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
It's not "mean" to go no contact.
It's the only sane, healthy thing to do for the both of you.
It has been 8 weeks since I have seen my XABF, during week 5 I attempted to contact him and fortunately he did not respond to my email.
To go no contact, I had to physically move across town, did not give him my new address or new cell number. It has been very hard, I often worry about him and feel guilty. But I remind myself that this is his problem, one that he alone needs to deal with.
I am only responsible for my life, my actions and my well being.
Good luck! Congrats on your sobriety!
It's the only sane, healthy thing to do for the both of you.
It has been 8 weeks since I have seen my XABF, during week 5 I attempted to contact him and fortunately he did not respond to my email.
To go no contact, I had to physically move across town, did not give him my new address or new cell number. It has been very hard, I often worry about him and feel guilty. But I remind myself that this is his problem, one that he alone needs to deal with.
I am only responsible for my life, my actions and my well being.
Good luck! Congrats on your sobriety!
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