summer017

I have been very busy lately, so I haven't had time to post, but I check the new posts and read as much as I can - I can say that it gets me right in the gut when I read about struggling relationships.

I just wanted to post and let all know: I am supporting YOU and YOUR strength. And I am keeping you in my thoughts. You are fully capable of regaining your life. I know for myself, I have never felt so low as I had during parts of my relationship with my addict. I never believed it when people here would say that I was strong enough to take back what I deserve - but it is true. And it is true for you too.


Did you ever think you would be in this situation? I sure never did.

My boyfriend may be an addict but I am a strong young woman, independent, and I know what I want and what I don't want, what I will and will not accept..... right? I never thought that I would become so completely consumed with another that I would allow them to lie to my face, steal from my purse, watch them stick a needle in their arm while I continued to coverup, fix, enable and STILL think that everything was okay, everything was fine and things were going to be better if I only just continued to love and support them. Because WE were going to get through this. WE were going to beat addiction and I was going to be there when the smoke cleared.

Of course my heart was in the right place... but I had never had any experience with an addict and that was the problem. Love is strong - but active addiction is stronger.

A relationship with an active addict will not work. It will not work because you cannot compete with your addicts DOC. The yearning, the daydreaming, the butterflies in the stomach will no longer be connected with thoughts of you or the two of you... they will be solely about the drug and the next time they will be reunited.

I read everything on this forum. Everything. I had all sides and all points of view. When people would advise me to RUN! DO NOT PASS GO! RED FLAG RED FLAG! It would just make me mad. I wanted to hear that I could make it okay. Cause I was stronger. I knew better than everyone. I knew that I could not walk away and I knew that we would be different because I was different. YOU don't know me.. YOU don't know my boyfriend...but what I didn't know was that these people knew the ADDICT. Although I was asking for advice I wasn't really asking for advice, I was looking for a success story, I was looking for a sign that if i held on I could fix it. What I wish I knew was that being strong did not go hand in hand with holding on to my addict.

I was strong at the beginning. But overtime the constant competition, the constant let downs, feeling like I was last on the priority list - broke me down. I was no longer an independent young woman who knew what I wanted. I had become weak, emotionally drained and held on to any thread of acceptance from my addict that I could grasp. I felt that I needed to prove myself to him. That I could do it. That I could take it. That I would still be standing no matter what happens. But no, that's not how it goes. That's no life at all.

I had completely forgotten about my life, my goals, my needs, my happiness. My days were filled with awaiting the next trial in the life of my addict BF. What was the next mess he would make that I could clean up?? I felt accomplished when I could make things better and fix his mistakes, when I could scrounge some money to pay this or that, when I could make him better when he was so dope sick he couldn't even look at me. I was the best girlfriend, I can handle all of this, and we will be okay because of me.

When I think about that now... it amazes me how low my self confidence and self worth had become.

My EX addict boyfriend and I have had no contact with each other for 2 months. The last I knew he was in a rehab facility and had 6 months sobriety. Personally, it came to the point where I realized that I was not going to make him okay. It became completely necessary for me to make some serious life decisions if I was going to get out of the darkness that had become all aspects of my life.

I realize now that he did not need me as much as I needed him to need me. I was so selfish for so long in thinking that I had control over his addiction. The power was in his hands the whole time. His sobriety, is his and his alone.

Some of you may think that you cannot let go. But I swear, you have the strength. The longer it continues the worse it gets. Allow yourself to take a step back and regain your focus. Try and remember how happy you were before the plague of addiction took over. Believe me, I was first in line to say that I was not going to back down, I was not going to give up. I always wondered where my personal bottom would be, what would be my breaking point? Why I ever thought that it was okay to let it go on until I reached my breaking point, blows my mind.

However, I have no regrets. Because regrets will only drive me mad. You live and you learn. Although at times it feels as though nothing will ever right itself again... it will. I live each day grateful to be moving forward instead of backward. I will always have love for him. I love him enough to know this is the right thing to do. I love him enough to let him grow. And I love him enough to let him go. When I was wrapped up I could never have imagined living without him but now that I have freed myself from his addictions - I am finding my happiness again. I realize that I was living in a fog. I would rather be alone than be back where I was.

For all you struggling with a relationship I am keeping you in my thoughts. Remember what you deserve. I know how it feels to think you are completely powerless, but you have always had the power to control your life, your boundaries and who you decide to keep in your life. The road you have walked and continue to walk is not paved in gold, but you must never forget that you are your number one priority, that your good health will be incentive to others and you are amazing, powerful, and brave.

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts"

keepinon

What a lovely story of your recovery...I hear the surrender in it that is so important.. when you let go of the idea that YOU are different, that HE is different, that this ADDICTION can't get you the way it has gotten others..THEN you can read the posts, the Alanon literature, and see it all so clearly.When you fight to remain apart from it, above it, it will continue until it beats you into submission. I'm so glad you sound so well..I think your post will help many people on the verge of "getting it".

Sunshine2

What an incredibly honest and powerful post. Thank you.

gotahavfaith

I agree.

Gotahavfaith

Kindeyes

Summer
That was written so beautifully, so powerfully. Your experience and strength shine through your words. Thank you so much for sharing.
Gentle hugs

sofacat

What an amazing perspective you have. Nice to hear.

Thank you.

summer017

Thanks guys It's my own therapy to get everything that's in my head down in writing!

Just saw this and really liked it..
Maybe it did take a crisis to get to know yourself; maybe you needed to get whacked hard by life before you understood what you wanted out of it.
-Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care

summer017

There's no doubt about it-breakups suck. But in the first few hours or days or weeks that follow, there's one important truth you need to recognize: Some things can't and shouldn't be fixed, especially that one who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It's over for a reason, and deep down inside you probably know what that reason is.

At the end of the day, it's about weather YOU like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn't working.. to recognize that it wasn't giving you what you needed and deserved

A lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is auctually fear. Fear of things being different then how you liked them, fear of never finding love again, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill your time differently. We're afraid of the unknown.

Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.

So many of us find ourselves saying "BUT HE WAS SO GREAT!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.

You can love your friends.. ..you can love your family ... you can even love every stray dog or stray drummer that crosses your path. HOWEVER, you have to learn how to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting realtionship that you've been looking for.

summer017

You are reading from the book Today's Gift

The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next.
—Ursula LeGuin

"The world around us changes constantly. Trees turn from green to beautiful shades of yellow, orange, and brown in the fall. Yet, even if we watched the trees carefully, every minute of the day, we could not actually see the colors change. Change requires time, preparation, and patience.

To make the changes we want, we need to let go of unhealthy but comfortable patterns that we're stuck in, the way the trees let their colors change and finally let go of their leaves altogether. We can't have total change right now, no matter how much we want it. It's important to accept both who we are now and who we are becoming. Just as the tree trusts without question that its leaves will grow and lets go of them when the time comes, we can believe in our own power to grow and let go of our accomplishments when the time is right.

When we do, we can be assured that our lives will blossom again, like trees in the spring coming to life after a cold winter.

Do I have any new blossoms today?"

SingerChic78

Thank you so much for this! You are an excellent writer as well as a strong role model! You inspire me!

drinkingwater

I came across this post and am so glad I did... thank you so much for everything you said. I am exactly the same situation. I needed to hear these things.

bmcco5

Excellent post and so very true. Thank you for sharing "you" with us.