Hi everyone. I'm new here and so sad....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 2
Hi everyone. I'm new here and so sad....
Hey everyone!
My name is Linnie and I'm 30 years YOUNG! I have a fiance who's 31 and he's in a detox facility right now. Him and I met when I was 13 and he was 14. We were best friends, did everything together. We had a relationship back then for a few months but then we broke up and decided to remain best friends. After a while we lost touch for about a year and then we got back together and this happened over the years up until 1999. In 1999 we broke up and we both went our seperate ways for 10 years. During this time I lived my life. I was in a relationship for 10 years and we had a child together. He lived his life. He entered a relationship as well for 5 years. During our 10 years apart he abused alcohol (he was drinking since he was 14) and he became addicted to heroin. he was in and out of rehabs and nothing ever stuck. He would get out, use and drink again. On his last try he entered a rehab facility called Daytop. He was in there for 2 years and did very well. During his last months there him and I reunited on facebook. We were so happy to hear from eachother. We started talking on the phone and on aim everyday. He would come home on the weekends and we would hang out. Old feelings came back for the both of us (we were each other's first loves) and we started dating again. He drank every weekend when he came home to visit. Stupid me didnt think anything of it. When he got out of rehab and moved back home him and i became very serious but he still drank. After a while he started dabbling with his grandfathers prescription pills. One thing lead to another and before I knew it he had a problem again. He's not a heavy pill taker. He took maybe one or two a week. When he stopped taking them he would get sick from the withdrawals and therefore take a pill. His ex drug dealer that we know from back in the day is on Suboxone for life and he lives right around the corner from us so my Fiance started taking subs because he was trying to detox himself off of the other pills but it didnt work. Before we knew it he was addicted to them and couldnt stop. So now he's in a detox facility and should be getting out Sunday. During all of this he was physically abusive to me while he was drunk. The last time he hurt me was about a week and a half ago. He was drunk, blacked out (again) and slammed my head into the wall. Of course when he wakes up the next day he's very apologetic and crying because he can't even remember. Anyway (I know I'm rambling) I love him and I've stuck by him through all of this because like I said he is my first love and I know that when he's sober he's a completely different person. Am I doing the right thing by sticking by his side no matter what? If he gets out and uses again I'm gonna leave him. He doesnt wanna use he just wants alife with me so I'm pretty confident that its over. He's gonna go to meetings and stuff to keep himself on the right track. I miss him so much right now it hurts so bad but I know this is the best thing for him right now and so does he. Any advice???
My name is Linnie and I'm 30 years YOUNG! I have a fiance who's 31 and he's in a detox facility right now. Him and I met when I was 13 and he was 14. We were best friends, did everything together. We had a relationship back then for a few months but then we broke up and decided to remain best friends. After a while we lost touch for about a year and then we got back together and this happened over the years up until 1999. In 1999 we broke up and we both went our seperate ways for 10 years. During this time I lived my life. I was in a relationship for 10 years and we had a child together. He lived his life. He entered a relationship as well for 5 years. During our 10 years apart he abused alcohol (he was drinking since he was 14) and he became addicted to heroin. he was in and out of rehabs and nothing ever stuck. He would get out, use and drink again. On his last try he entered a rehab facility called Daytop. He was in there for 2 years and did very well. During his last months there him and I reunited on facebook. We were so happy to hear from eachother. We started talking on the phone and on aim everyday. He would come home on the weekends and we would hang out. Old feelings came back for the both of us (we were each other's first loves) and we started dating again. He drank every weekend when he came home to visit. Stupid me didnt think anything of it. When he got out of rehab and moved back home him and i became very serious but he still drank. After a while he started dabbling with his grandfathers prescription pills. One thing lead to another and before I knew it he had a problem again. He's not a heavy pill taker. He took maybe one or two a week. When he stopped taking them he would get sick from the withdrawals and therefore take a pill. His ex drug dealer that we know from back in the day is on Suboxone for life and he lives right around the corner from us so my Fiance started taking subs because he was trying to detox himself off of the other pills but it didnt work. Before we knew it he was addicted to them and couldnt stop. So now he's in a detox facility and should be getting out Sunday. During all of this he was physically abusive to me while he was drunk. The last time he hurt me was about a week and a half ago. He was drunk, blacked out (again) and slammed my head into the wall. Of course when he wakes up the next day he's very apologetic and crying because he can't even remember. Anyway (I know I'm rambling) I love him and I've stuck by him through all of this because like I said he is my first love and I know that when he's sober he's a completely different person. Am I doing the right thing by sticking by his side no matter what? If he gets out and uses again I'm gonna leave him. He doesnt wanna use he just wants alife with me so I'm pretty confident that its over. He's gonna go to meetings and stuff to keep himself on the right track. I miss him so much right now it hurts so bad but I know this is the best thing for him right now and so does he. Any advice???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 12
Hi Linnie,
I´m in a semi similar situation, except i actually broke up with my boyfriend. then he went into rehab, so he´s been there for 2 weeks. i too am struggling with whether or not to take him back or to try again. it´s different this time. im not saying everything´s different, but he´s never embraced recovery, he´s always just tried to do it on his own. convincing himself that if he worked out everyday and worked everyday and stayed around positive people, then that´s enough. he now knows that he needs to go to meetings, and have a sponsor, and he´s actually doing it, and is excited about it. so that´s different, but sometimes i think about what if it happens again? am i willing to continue going through this? because this is the risk we take. the pain is so bad. when is walking away forever the right decision? i dont know, im still working on it, but it´s only been 3 weeks. i´ve held my bottom line with him, and he willingly got himself into rehab.
i think we wont have the answers right away. but coming here just even for two days has really helped me. it´s so nice to hear from other people in such similar situations. we´re glad you´re here and welcome.
I´m in a semi similar situation, except i actually broke up with my boyfriend. then he went into rehab, so he´s been there for 2 weeks. i too am struggling with whether or not to take him back or to try again. it´s different this time. im not saying everything´s different, but he´s never embraced recovery, he´s always just tried to do it on his own. convincing himself that if he worked out everyday and worked everyday and stayed around positive people, then that´s enough. he now knows that he needs to go to meetings, and have a sponsor, and he´s actually doing it, and is excited about it. so that´s different, but sometimes i think about what if it happens again? am i willing to continue going through this? because this is the risk we take. the pain is so bad. when is walking away forever the right decision? i dont know, im still working on it, but it´s only been 3 weeks. i´ve held my bottom line with him, and he willingly got himself into rehab.
i think we wont have the answers right away. but coming here just even for two days has really helped me. it´s so nice to hear from other people in such similar situations. we´re glad you´re here and welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hi LinnieLee - Welcome to SR!
Generally speaking, abusive men don't stop being abusive just because they are sober. I can't tell you what to do, but having been trained in domestic abuse intervention I can highly recommend that you walk away from this relationship RIGHT NOW. Slamming your head against the wall, while he's sober or not, should be an absolute deal-breaker. If you hang around, especially given this guy's track record, you are simply asking for more of the same.
If LOVE could cure addiction (or abuse), none of us would be here on SR.
Generally speaking, abusive men don't stop being abusive just because they are sober. I can't tell you what to do, but having been trained in domestic abuse intervention I can highly recommend that you walk away from this relationship RIGHT NOW. Slamming your head against the wall, while he's sober or not, should be an absolute deal-breaker. If you hang around, especially given this guy's track record, you are simply asking for more of the same.
If LOVE could cure addiction (or abuse), none of us would be here on SR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
During all of this he was physically abusive to me while he was drunk. The last time he hurt me was about a week and a half ago. He was drunk, blacked out (again) and slammed my head into the wall. Of course when he wakes up the next day he's very apologetic and crying because he can't even remember.
The DV hotline phone number is: 1−800−799−SAFE
Just call them. They can provide you with some counseling and help you figure out your next steps.
Just because he goes to rehab, doesn't mean his violent tendencies are going to be cured. Contrary to what you might hope for, rehab is not a fix-all. Err on the side of caution. This is your life, your physical and mental well-being that we are talking about here.
You only get one life, so protect it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NY
Posts: 2
Thanks for the advice everyone. I know your right but it's so hard. Everytime I've tried to leave he's threaten suicide or he say he's gonna take pills. It's such a hard situation. When we first started talking again last November my sister said something to me and I wish I'd listened to her. She told me "Linnie, he's an addict. Make sure you know what your doing because it's not easy". I should've listened. Him and I don't live together. We live 3 blocks away from each other. When we have a "sober" fight and he gets angry with me I can see violence in his eyes. He gets very nasty. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... He'd be devastated if I left him...
dunno
dunno
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
It's not 'devastation' and it's not a bona fide suicide threat...it's CONTROL.
Please rush to your nearest bookstore and purchase a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lindsay Bancroft. Then sit down and read it until you reach the end. Your eyes will be opened to the reality of your situation and, at least, you will be educated on the issue.
Please rush to your nearest bookstore and purchase a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lindsay Bancroft. Then sit down and read it until you reach the end. Your eyes will be opened to the reality of your situation and, at least, you will be educated on the issue.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Everytime I've tried to leave he's threaten suicide or he say he's gonna take pills.
You are not God. You cannot save him from himself.
Hopefully you find the strength to save yourself though.
Why do you think you put up with this kind of treatment? Why, when someone hits you, do you respond with love and try to hang on to the relationship? Abuse is not how someone shows love. And letting someone abuse you is not love either.
There's healthy love and then there is dysfunction. And what you have is not healthy. Do you know this?
I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be harsh. I've been hit before and it sucked out my sould and my self respect. It was very difficult to get away. But I did it. And THANK GOD! I deserved way more out of a relationship than what I was settling for.
So anyway, welcome to this sight. I'm glad you found it. I hope you'll give some serious consideration to what I've said. And I hope you get some help. You are worth it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Palm Springs, Ca
Posts: 24
I am in a similar situation with a heroin addict, but he is never abusive. Don't get me wrong, he's a liar and a thief, but he's not physically abusive. Although now that I am writing this, I realize he can be very ugly with words. I'd like to blow up facebook for reconnecting me with him. (we knew each other in hs too). Facebook, and other social networking sites should somehow be banned in rehab facilities. It's not fair to US-the non addicts.
It's like if my bf isn't in rehab, he has no coping mechanisms.
I like whomever up there said "If love was a cure none of us would be on SR"
The abuse thing is concerning, especially if you have a child.
My Trinidad mother (as I call her) once said "Love isn't suppose to have consequences."
I'm working on ME now, not him. It seems impossible to shift the focus to myself, and what it is that happened to me that I would allow myself to be lied to and stolen from. I believe that it's there, that I gain the strength to leave him.
But I'm not gonna lie, a hope lies in me that hopes he sees my growth, or out growth of him, and steps up to the plate. He is taking corrective actions (so it seems) but I am on watch. My rose coloring has faded. I hope he works on himself, so that I don't have to choose me over him. If it comes to that though, I will...but I will be leaving a part of my heart and soul behind...
I don't know how to gently say it but...when it comes to opiate abuse, I've learned that they're always using more than they'll admit to you...
I wish you the best...
It's like if my bf isn't in rehab, he has no coping mechanisms.
I like whomever up there said "If love was a cure none of us would be on SR"
The abuse thing is concerning, especially if you have a child.
My Trinidad mother (as I call her) once said "Love isn't suppose to have consequences."
I'm working on ME now, not him. It seems impossible to shift the focus to myself, and what it is that happened to me that I would allow myself to be lied to and stolen from. I believe that it's there, that I gain the strength to leave him.
But I'm not gonna lie, a hope lies in me that hopes he sees my growth, or out growth of him, and steps up to the plate. He is taking corrective actions (so it seems) but I am on watch. My rose coloring has faded. I hope he works on himself, so that I don't have to choose me over him. If it comes to that though, I will...but I will be leaving a part of my heart and soul behind...
I don't know how to gently say it but...when it comes to opiate abuse, I've learned that they're always using more than they'll admit to you...
I wish you the best...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I agree with what the others have said EXCEPT for one thing...sometimes suicidal people do talk about it but the recommended thing to do is to call 911. That is the sane and reasonable thing to do.
He is in a care facility now. So, he is being taken care of.
Please read that book...and the stickies.
Linnie, I almost lost my life to a man who had only hit me once before and that was as a reflex action to something I did...really...like if someone sneaks up and pokes you in the ribs kind of thing only much worse on my part. I would rather not talk about this period of my life but sometimes it helps others.
He chest checked me and I leaned in and bit his underam....he swung.
He had been very verbally abusive and was an alcoholic.
He lost it and pinned me down and pounded on the back of my head intending to knock me out and he was well capable of it, it was dumb luck and wits that he didn't...but then he drug me into the bedroom and tied me up.
Boom...just like that an argument went insane.
I went to the hospital in an ambulance, later I was arrested for biting his hand cause he had my nose and mouth covered while he was pounding on the back of my hand and I was suffocating.
I am horrified that I lived like that!
I was not able to think clearly.
I was so beaten down mentally and emotionally.
SR and The domestic violence counselor saved my life.
But I have battery on my record...and that is insane too.
Was I supposed to suffocate...um....I might have.
I really might have.
I might have gone unconscious from the back of my head being pounded on.
Like when you got slammed up against the wall.
When I get a medical history taken...they always ask about head injuries...they mess you and me up...cause concussions and worse.
I am just frightened for you.
I have been there.
Leaving was hard and dangerous and the best thing I ever did for myself...including being with an immensely loving and safe and predictable man now....
It took 2 years of intensive counseling and tons of reading to straighten my head out.
No one touches me in a bad way anymore.
Ever.
I can't let that happen in my life ever again.
I hope you will make the same decision too.
Do you have children?
What about your parents?
What would they wish for you or feel about this?
No one who cares about you is okay with you getting hurt.
He is in a care facility now. So, he is being taken care of.
Please read that book...and the stickies.
Linnie, I almost lost my life to a man who had only hit me once before and that was as a reflex action to something I did...really...like if someone sneaks up and pokes you in the ribs kind of thing only much worse on my part. I would rather not talk about this period of my life but sometimes it helps others.
He chest checked me and I leaned in and bit his underam....he swung.
He had been very verbally abusive and was an alcoholic.
He lost it and pinned me down and pounded on the back of my head intending to knock me out and he was well capable of it, it was dumb luck and wits that he didn't...but then he drug me into the bedroom and tied me up.
Boom...just like that an argument went insane.
I went to the hospital in an ambulance, later I was arrested for biting his hand cause he had my nose and mouth covered while he was pounding on the back of my hand and I was suffocating.
I am horrified that I lived like that!
I was not able to think clearly.
I was so beaten down mentally and emotionally.
SR and The domestic violence counselor saved my life.
But I have battery on my record...and that is insane too.
Was I supposed to suffocate...um....I might have.
I really might have.
I might have gone unconscious from the back of my head being pounded on.
Like when you got slammed up against the wall.
When I get a medical history taken...they always ask about head injuries...they mess you and me up...cause concussions and worse.
I am just frightened for you.
I have been there.
Leaving was hard and dangerous and the best thing I ever did for myself...including being with an immensely loving and safe and predictable man now....
It took 2 years of intensive counseling and tons of reading to straighten my head out.
No one touches me in a bad way anymore.
Ever.
I can't let that happen in my life ever again.
I hope you will make the same decision too.
Do you have children?
What about your parents?
What would they wish for you or feel about this?
No one who cares about you is okay with you getting hurt.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Egypt
Posts: 68
Hi linnie,welcome around.
One thing i know is he is the SAME person weather sober or drunk . his behaviour when he is drunk isnt something far away from his personality,its just that he shows more of him while drunk than sober,but the violence IS there and ready to come out whenever things go bad for him.
when my boyfriend use he shout,yell,call me names and say the uggliest words to me . Afterwards he appologize and tells me he treats me this way out of love and jelousy!!!! i used to believe it and come up with excuses for his behaviour now i know he manipulated me and convinced me into accepting everything he does instead of caring for my feelings.
Your own safety and well being must be your top priority.
One thing i know is he is the SAME person weather sober or drunk . his behaviour when he is drunk isnt something far away from his personality,its just that he shows more of him while drunk than sober,but the violence IS there and ready to come out whenever things go bad for him.
when my boyfriend use he shout,yell,call me names and say the uggliest words to me . Afterwards he appologize and tells me he treats me this way out of love and jelousy!!!! i used to believe it and come up with excuses for his behaviour now i know he manipulated me and convinced me into accepting everything he does instead of caring for my feelings.
Your own safety and well being must be your top priority.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
thanks, TJP....
I might as well finish the story up some.
I lost my son to suicide...so I know alot about suicide.
I have PTSD as a result of all this.
I cannot see any kind of family violence on tv without getting messed up mentally and emotionally in a way I cannot handle for days.
My second husband.
He got put on alot of pain meds, then had a cancer scare..we were driving to his appmt to find out if he had cancer and were in a terrible car accident on the way.
It totalled my car and I still feel immensely lucky that the airbag doubled me over and saved my life. I had the back seat just packed full of boxes of dishes and etc. They flew over my head BECAUSE I was doubled over.
His head hit the windshield and broke it.
He would not get treatment...walked out....I am very sure he had a concussion.
He was traumatized, he all ready had PTSD, and became very argumentative.
This scared the beejesus out of me.
I did not know this man.
But when he walked up to me and tapped the side of my cheek with his phone...
I was TERRIFIED and called 911.
He filed for divorce.
We are divorced.
We talk as friends now.
Now back to that first guy...did his near beating me to death mean he wanted us to break up? NO! It didn't.
I was just out of his control...and he meant to get it back.
He wooed me many times after that.
Then stalked and terrorized me.
I wound up moving 1000 miles away and it was weeks before as I was walking down the street before a wave of relief came over me...no one knows me here..I am safe...
he can't know anything about me.
A couple of years later an old pal sends me an urgent email...his current girlfriend was arrested for shooting at him.
You know what...I knew that he had challenged her to do it..and it was his provocation many times over and his dumb luck he picked a gal he could go hunting with to do it to.
Then got her drunk and really messed with her and her kids...while she was begging to just go home, have a normal evening...peaceful, no alcohol, and go horse back riding.
He wasn't really hurt..he wasn't going to report it...part of the game. She shot at his precious bottle collection. Not saying that that is right. But I understand how it happened.
I wound up calling him and just laughing into the phone.
No, it wasn't nice and maybe I shouldn't have done that..but he did recognize my voice after all that time in an instant.
I talked to her.
I know how it went down.
Good Lord, there was many a night I wanted to shoot his a$$.
Well, she got severe attempted manslaughter charges.
Never been in trouble before in her life.
Has 3 little kids and everybody in a tri-state area now knows about this.
And then while she was in jail, she discovered she was pregnant with his child.
He accused her of $crew!ing everybody.
When she had the baby boy...he managed to see him and did a sneak DNA swab.
It WAS his boy.
So then what does he do...he files for custody.
He wasn't ever capable of taking care of any child of any age....but he wanted to mess with her more than anything.
And it is still going on.
Is she going to be able to get a better job when they ask if you have had a felony or do a background check?
I am very embarassed when an employer does a background check on me.
He!!, I am 5'3" and only weighed about 100 lbs at the time.
He's a tall, fighting, wiry, bar bouncer for fun, Irish, drinking guy.
Funny as hell.
Everybody loves him..he is very popular,....even with the county sheriff's dept.
The state police like to go hunting on his property.
Did I ever in my life imagine I would get in this pickle?
Nope. never thought it possible...and couldn't have thought it up.
I just moved into a place where the lady had pictures on her walls when I saw it.
I knew that she had an X-husband that had been violent..but apparently her current on/off (that on/off thing is a real feature with this syndrome).
There are all kinds of holes in the walls behind where those pictures and furniture moved to hide it.
My neighbors are the friendliest people I ever met.
They say they didn't even know this lady was pregnant and had a 4 month old baby.
...note there goes that pregnant tie in again....and the isolation.
They did hear an awful lot of cussing and banging and throwing.
They had to take their grandkids inside so they wouldn't hear it.
They are pretty glad that she moved on, I believe, from the way they are making us so welcome.
All they hear out of this house that gets loud now from us is Laughter.
Laughter.
Think about that.
Sometimes I hear people say they are grateful they went through things because they learned from it and then they can help other people.
Well, straight up...I wish I couldn't help you.
I wish I had never ever known a thing about domestic violence.
It happened so sly and my head was so twisted I can't even think like I did then anymore.
And I am damned glad of that.
I am having a PTSD reaction right now..because there is an amber alert out on a child...see cafe central if you are interested and I hope all who read this WILL read that.
It's broadcast as a national emergency.
It's a life in danger.
So is this.
And if it weren't I would never have told all this.
And that is just the recap of a long, drawn out sick story.
That first man is still a mess. He is addicted, dying and still mean.
The only thing to do is stay out of his path as a girlfriend or limit all other contact..cause he is outright mean in alot of places.
It just gets worse and worse and worse.
If I think of anything else that matters...it will come out tonight but I hope by tomorrow it goes back to a distant foggy untapped memory.
I might as well finish the story up some.
I lost my son to suicide...so I know alot about suicide.
I have PTSD as a result of all this.
I cannot see any kind of family violence on tv without getting messed up mentally and emotionally in a way I cannot handle for days.
My second husband.
He got put on alot of pain meds, then had a cancer scare..we were driving to his appmt to find out if he had cancer and were in a terrible car accident on the way.
It totalled my car and I still feel immensely lucky that the airbag doubled me over and saved my life. I had the back seat just packed full of boxes of dishes and etc. They flew over my head BECAUSE I was doubled over.
His head hit the windshield and broke it.
He would not get treatment...walked out....I am very sure he had a concussion.
He was traumatized, he all ready had PTSD, and became very argumentative.
This scared the beejesus out of me.
I did not know this man.
But when he walked up to me and tapped the side of my cheek with his phone...
I was TERRIFIED and called 911.
He filed for divorce.
We are divorced.
We talk as friends now.
Now back to that first guy...did his near beating me to death mean he wanted us to break up? NO! It didn't.
I was just out of his control...and he meant to get it back.
He wooed me many times after that.
Then stalked and terrorized me.
I wound up moving 1000 miles away and it was weeks before as I was walking down the street before a wave of relief came over me...no one knows me here..I am safe...
he can't know anything about me.
A couple of years later an old pal sends me an urgent email...his current girlfriend was arrested for shooting at him.
You know what...I knew that he had challenged her to do it..and it was his provocation many times over and his dumb luck he picked a gal he could go hunting with to do it to.
Then got her drunk and really messed with her and her kids...while she was begging to just go home, have a normal evening...peaceful, no alcohol, and go horse back riding.
He wasn't really hurt..he wasn't going to report it...part of the game. She shot at his precious bottle collection. Not saying that that is right. But I understand how it happened.
I wound up calling him and just laughing into the phone.
No, it wasn't nice and maybe I shouldn't have done that..but he did recognize my voice after all that time in an instant.
I talked to her.
I know how it went down.
Good Lord, there was many a night I wanted to shoot his a$$.
Well, she got severe attempted manslaughter charges.
Never been in trouble before in her life.
Has 3 little kids and everybody in a tri-state area now knows about this.
And then while she was in jail, she discovered she was pregnant with his child.
He accused her of $crew!ing everybody.
When she had the baby boy...he managed to see him and did a sneak DNA swab.
It WAS his boy.
So then what does he do...he files for custody.
He wasn't ever capable of taking care of any child of any age....but he wanted to mess with her more than anything.
And it is still going on.
Is she going to be able to get a better job when they ask if you have had a felony or do a background check?
I am very embarassed when an employer does a background check on me.
He!!, I am 5'3" and only weighed about 100 lbs at the time.
He's a tall, fighting, wiry, bar bouncer for fun, Irish, drinking guy.
Funny as hell.
Everybody loves him..he is very popular,....even with the county sheriff's dept.
The state police like to go hunting on his property.
Did I ever in my life imagine I would get in this pickle?
Nope. never thought it possible...and couldn't have thought it up.
I just moved into a place where the lady had pictures on her walls when I saw it.
I knew that she had an X-husband that had been violent..but apparently her current on/off (that on/off thing is a real feature with this syndrome).
There are all kinds of holes in the walls behind where those pictures and furniture moved to hide it.
My neighbors are the friendliest people I ever met.
They say they didn't even know this lady was pregnant and had a 4 month old baby.
...note there goes that pregnant tie in again....and the isolation.
They did hear an awful lot of cussing and banging and throwing.
They had to take their grandkids inside so they wouldn't hear it.
They are pretty glad that she moved on, I believe, from the way they are making us so welcome.
All they hear out of this house that gets loud now from us is Laughter.
Laughter.
Think about that.
Sometimes I hear people say they are grateful they went through things because they learned from it and then they can help other people.
Well, straight up...I wish I couldn't help you.
I wish I had never ever known a thing about domestic violence.
It happened so sly and my head was so twisted I can't even think like I did then anymore.
And I am damned glad of that.
I am having a PTSD reaction right now..because there is an amber alert out on a child...see cafe central if you are interested and I hope all who read this WILL read that.
It's broadcast as a national emergency.
It's a life in danger.
So is this.
And if it weren't I would never have told all this.
And that is just the recap of a long, drawn out sick story.
That first man is still a mess. He is addicted, dying and still mean.
The only thing to do is stay out of his path as a girlfriend or limit all other contact..cause he is outright mean in alot of places.
It just gets worse and worse and worse.
If I think of anything else that matters...it will come out tonight but I hope by tomorrow it goes back to a distant foggy untapped memory.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Oh..that jealousy thing is just a trick to get you to "prove your love"
You tell him every little thing you did and thought and you stop spending time with other people.
It is brainwashing.
It is about controlling you.
And, it works, don't it?
We start catering to their supposed "insecurity" and "touchiness"
It ends up that there is nothing left of us.
And I do want to tell you that despite that night....what has harmed me way worse and long term is the verbal, mental, emotional abuse.
That wasn't an accident when he kept me up fighting all night when I was wrung out tired after work and had a big day the next day.
I learned from some book that it was a common tactic! Who knew?
He wanted me to lose my job and be dependent on him.
I really could go on and on and on.
It happened to a woman who had been single and dumped many a guy for little to almost no reason.
I was confident before, self-assured, had gone back to college and I was good looking and had no problems getting dates.
I spent my time meeting them and dumping them.
This guy spent months expertly wooing me and hooking me.
There were red flags but I didn't have a lick of knowledge about abuse and thought it was an alcohol problem and didn't know anything about that.
I was gullible on those scores.
And you will learn that these guys are charming, seem emotionally vulnerable, they are charismatic, they can be very intelligent, witty, fun and funny.
But you are just a fish on a hook in a game that they compulsively play over and over no matter what.
They are just as hooked on it as they want you to be.
Leave.
And do is smart.
Carefully.
Never look back except in counseling...that is my mature advise
but my counselor never told me to leave...she just kept pointing out the truth and the reality of my life and my situation to me.
God Bless her and all like TJP who work with this everyday.
I don't know how you do it!
You tell him every little thing you did and thought and you stop spending time with other people.
It is brainwashing.
It is about controlling you.
And, it works, don't it?
We start catering to their supposed "insecurity" and "touchiness"
It ends up that there is nothing left of us.
And I do want to tell you that despite that night....what has harmed me way worse and long term is the verbal, mental, emotional abuse.
That wasn't an accident when he kept me up fighting all night when I was wrung out tired after work and had a big day the next day.
I learned from some book that it was a common tactic! Who knew?
He wanted me to lose my job and be dependent on him.
I really could go on and on and on.
It happened to a woman who had been single and dumped many a guy for little to almost no reason.
I was confident before, self-assured, had gone back to college and I was good looking and had no problems getting dates.
I spent my time meeting them and dumping them.
This guy spent months expertly wooing me and hooking me.
There were red flags but I didn't have a lick of knowledge about abuse and thought it was an alcohol problem and didn't know anything about that.
I was gullible on those scores.
And you will learn that these guys are charming, seem emotionally vulnerable, they are charismatic, they can be very intelligent, witty, fun and funny.
But you are just a fish on a hook in a game that they compulsively play over and over no matter what.
They are just as hooked on it as they want you to be.
Leave.
And do is smart.
Carefully.
Never look back except in counseling...that is my mature advise
but my counselor never told me to leave...she just kept pointing out the truth and the reality of my life and my situation to me.
God Bless her and all like TJP who work with this everyday.
I don't know how you do it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Originally Posted by LinnieLee 
Thanks for the advice everyone. I know your right but it's so hard. Everytime I've tried to leave he's threaten suicide or he say he's gonna take pills. It's such a hard situation. When we first started talking again last November my sister said something to me and I wish I'd listened to her. She told me "Linnie, he's an addict. Make sure you know what your doing because it's not easy". I should've listened. Him and I don't live together. We live 3 blocks away from each other. When we have a "sober" fight and he gets angry with me I can see violence in his eyes. He gets very nasty. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... He'd be devastated if I left him...dunno
dunnoHe threatens suicide???? He is a manipulator. He is an abusive man, and you say that you can see the violence in his eyes. He might be devastated if you leave him, but if you stay, you will be devastated, if you live to talk about it. Your family will be devastated when he hurts or kills you.
You need to lose contact with this guy as soon as possible. You can't fix this man. He is a raging addict, that can't stay clean. He abuses pills, and alcohol. You said he was already addicted to heroin. You cannot love him into sobriety. What you had all those years ago, is over. That's the past. When you live in the past, you die a little bit every day. You need to start thinking about your future. You will have nothing with this guy. He is in rehab and that's a good thing, but he has nothing to offer you honey. It sounds like he will be in and out of rehab for the rest of his life. After all he is 31. He's a full grown man, and he's been getting high since he is so young. He is emotionally about 14 years old. And picking his hands up to a women makes him a coward and a loser.
I hope you take some of the advice that is given here.
You asked for it, and the people here are honest. All here are either addicts in recovery, or someone who loves an addict. We have seen this over and over again. Your making excuses for this guy, saying he's not mean and violent when he is sober. And how much sober time does he have? He's been stoned far more than he's been clean.
I hope you make the right decision. Your guardian angel is going to be very busy with this guy in your life. Good Luck and God Bless You
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Linnielee
If you were my daughter, I would be terrified for your welfare. It would cause me terrible anxiety and I would worry so very much. You are loved by other people in your life and they would be heart broken if they knew you were in any kind of danger. I know I would be a mess if I knew my daughter was involved with a drug addict with a tendency toward violence. But I would also know that only she could remove herself from the situation.
My son is an addict. He is going to court for a misdemeanor domestic violence charge on Monday. He's never been a violent type of person but he is using meth and heroin and those drugs really mess with a person's brain. A good, honest, loving person can lose their moral grounding due to the addiction....not because they are bad people. And drugs shouldn't excuse unacceptable behavior. If my son winds up in jail for it...so be it.
My first husband use to threaten suicide to keep me from leaving him. It worked for five years--I knew within six months that I had made a terrible mistake marrying him--but I stayed with him because I didn't want to feel responsible for his death. Sweetie, I left him 27 years ago......he's still alive. My son is now threatening suicide continually. He does it to get a reaction or to try to torture me with the thought of him killing himself. It does hurt. I can't deny that.....but he has done it so many times over so many years that it's evident that it's manipulation.
Take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
gentle hugs
If you were my daughter, I would be terrified for your welfare. It would cause me terrible anxiety and I would worry so very much. You are loved by other people in your life and they would be heart broken if they knew you were in any kind of danger. I know I would be a mess if I knew my daughter was involved with a drug addict with a tendency toward violence. But I would also know that only she could remove herself from the situation.
My son is an addict. He is going to court for a misdemeanor domestic violence charge on Monday. He's never been a violent type of person but he is using meth and heroin and those drugs really mess with a person's brain. A good, honest, loving person can lose their moral grounding due to the addiction....not because they are bad people. And drugs shouldn't excuse unacceptable behavior. If my son winds up in jail for it...so be it.
My first husband use to threaten suicide to keep me from leaving him. It worked for five years--I knew within six months that I had made a terrible mistake marrying him--but I stayed with him because I didn't want to feel responsible for his death. Sweetie, I left him 27 years ago......he's still alive. My son is now threatening suicide continually. He does it to get a reaction or to try to torture me with the thought of him killing himself. It does hurt. I can't deny that.....but he has done it so many times over so many years that it's evident that it's manipulation.
Take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Just to make it clear to you -someone who is violent AND threatens suicide is considered to be VERY high risk on a DV threat assesment. Please call your local shelter for help. If you chose to leave you need to do so safely as this is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Please get a safety plan in place..you are in danger..bottom line.
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