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The costs of our actions

Old 09-24-2010, 08:42 AM
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The costs of our actions

So this has been on my mind a lot lately, and wanted to post it for thoughts. ..or just reflection. Bear with me if it is a bit random!

As recovering addicts/alcoholics, and those trying to recover, we have to learn to take responsibility for our actions, choices and decisions. Most of us avoided doing that for a long time.

Alongside taking responsibility for our actions, we have to learn how to deal with justifiable anger against those who do wrong to us or hurt us. I am dealing with a lot of this right now. I do have a justified reason to be upset, I was wronged -- severely, intimately and maliciously. I am angry and hurt. Who wouldn't be. But I have to decide, what do I do? Do I try to get even, do I take action against those who have slighted me? I have reason.

But when we act, or react, we cause other things to happend to other people, sometimes innocent ones. Our actions have consequences. There is a cost to others and to ourselves.

Are we ready to deal with those? Have we thought those through before we act? Can we live with what could happen as a direct result of our resentment and anger, no matter how justified it is?

I don't want to live with those anymore. So for today, I will let it go, and let God. I don't need to react. I can find peace, even in the face of justifiable anger. I can let it all go without reacting. I can spare the cost to someone else, and possibly to myself.

Hope this makes sense to someone out there.

amy
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Old 09-24-2010, 08:54 AM
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I can't relate much because for some reason I was born easy-going. It's good that at least for today you can look within and take a look at anger when it knocks on your door. Resentment and anger is something alien to me for some reason. I dunno, I've just always been the complete opposite. My mother-in-law once told me early on that I was the most patient man she had ever met.

Do I get angry? Yes. I just have a veeeeeerrrryyyyy looooooong fuse. I figure that that no matter what, I have to keep my self centered. Like I'm the eye of the hurricane, remaining calm and peaceful while around me the winds are 150 mph. I can't let angry resentful people pull me in. It's unnatural to me and I don't understand it.

The good news is that you control your own actions and can reign in yourself. Think before acting. Hold your tongue before speaking. "Play it through", just like when tempted with a drink.
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Old 09-24-2010, 08:57 AM
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BTW - check out my thread called "my responsibility". I think it relates to your post? Maybe?
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Old 09-24-2010, 08:58 AM
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Wow Amy, I really feel for you! I was put in this situation due to my AH actions 15 years ago, apparently he did something to someone, we were both there, both of us have no knowledge, but, this someone put it out here 3 months ago, now that someone has destroyed their relationship with us, our kids , there's and ours who are between 4--10 years and dont understand why they cant speak to each other anymore, this person used my friendship all the while never telling me she had this thing against my AH, so it has just driven him deeper into drinking and us further apart! So thank you for thinking about others and letting GOD deal with it for you, believe me HE will. Sorry for all your pain and trauma and I pray that you will be blessed in other ways and be able to live a happy life, im sure this is a very difficult decision for you! ((((hugs))))
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Old 09-24-2010, 09:14 AM
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Huggs Amy. My mother raised me with one constant outlook on life.....The best revenge is living well. Meaning....let it go....and enjoy your life and those that are close to you.

I am here friend. Thx for sharing.
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:28 AM
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Amy, it's really great that you see things that way.
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:47 AM
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Amy, I've been reading a book by Paul O. titled You Can't Make Me Angry. It's really helped me in terms of allowing myself to react and to get angry about stuff -- even when my anger is warranted. I'm growing to realize that, ultimately, the only person who is unhappy when I'm angry is me.

Another tool is use is to ask myself what part I played in the situation that made me angry. Usually, I can find something I did that opened the floodgates. I don't know why, but realizing my culpability in this stuff takes a big load of my shoulders. I can actually feel the weight lifting.

Good for you for letting your anger and resentment go.
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Old 09-24-2010, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by lildawg View Post

Another tool is use is to ask myself what part I played in the situation that made me angry. Usually, I can find something I did that opened the floodgates. I don't know why, but realizing my culpability in this stuff takes a big load of my shoulders. I can actually feel the weight lifting.

Good for you for letting your anger and resentment go.
My post wasn't really intended to be directed solely at me and my situation, but what I have learned.

One thing, however, that irks me (and I have spoken to my sponsor about this). Yes, in many situations we have blame. And it is good to take a look at that and understand your part in it all. Sometimes you are not at fault at all. And to force yourself to find fault in yourself when it is not, is, in my opinion, an exercise in futility and can be very painful. However, giving to God, surrendering it to His will and His plan, well, that I can do. Always and forever.
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Old 09-24-2010, 02:59 PM
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Amy,

I think when they talk about looking for "our part" in it, that doesn't mean we are invariably at fault in some way. Rather, I think it refers, in those instances where we truly have been wronged by another through no fault of our own, to our own responsibility for how we react to it. Which is what you and lildawg are both talking about, I think.

My time in Al-Anon has taught me a lot about detachment, which is a classic Al-Anon tool (also referenced a great deal by Paul O.), that has to do with refusing to allow the actions of others to take over our emotions. I don't think any of us ever perfects the art of never getting angry. But we can learn to open the hands that are grasping onto it, to keep it from turning into resentment.

It's more than simply not "getting even" with the person who wronged us. It's not allowing that person to live rent-free in our heads. It's freeing ourselves from the suffering of the injury. Sometimes it's adjusting our lives so that we can't be repeatedly victimized by the same person in the same way.
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:04 PM
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I'm sure its the same idea...someone once said - moving on means letting go...that means taking your hands off from around the other persons neck.

D
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:16 PM
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Amy regardless of what happened and what your situation is, I am very proud of you, because it sounds to me like you are simply being "the bigger person". People who think it through, weigh the consequences, and act accordingly are, in my opinion, happier in their overall lives. They are able to let go of the negative energy it takes to be mad, and act revengeful. That negative energy takes more out of people than w realize. You are a wonderful, strong woman, and I applaud you for getting on with your life.
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Old 09-24-2010, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by aehmnm View Post
My post wasn't really intended to be directed solely at me and my situation, but what I have learned.

One thing, however, that irks me (and I have spoken to my sponsor about this). Yes, in many situations we have blame. And it is good to take a look at that and understand your part in it all. Sometimes you are not at fault at all. And to force yourself to find fault in yourself when it is not, is, in my opinion, an exercise in futility and can be very painful. However, giving to God, surrendering it to His will and His plan, well, that I can do. Always and forever.
Amy, Lexie said it all (as usual). She made the point I was so clumsily trying to make. I wish I knew Lexie in real life, but I really think we'd probably be like oil and water. <grins>

I want to share a little anecdote to try to illustrate my point.

My late Mother in Law (MIL) was crazy. I've done a fair amount of reading on sociopathic and psychopathic personality disorders. I strongly suspect she must have been one or the other. That I could tell, the woman had not a shred of conscience.

My husband and I had been married for seven years when MIL died. During those seven years, MIL stole (both cash and items) from us. She tapped our phones and listened in on our conversations. MIL was able to do this because she was employed at the local phone exchange, where she eventually lost her job for tapping phones. After she got canned, MIL staked out our house and took pictures of my comings and goings (which I found stashed away after her death). And those are just the things she did to us. I could write a book about her other activities.

If you ever get a chance, watch Hush with Jessica Lange. That movie sent chills up my spine. It brought back scores of bad memories. I would never doubt my MIL was capable of orchestrating something like that.

Anyway, the way MIL treated both me and my husband has been something difficult for me to let go of -- yes, even though she's dead. I'm working very hard right now to own my part in the situation. As far as I can see this was

A) Treating MIL exactly like the crazy b!tch she was -- I refused to answer her calls, avoided her at all costs, etc. It just fueled the situation.

B) Is connected to A. I should have just divorced myself (both figuratively and literally) from the situation. I cost myself years of grief, years that I will never get back.

C) Letting her make me unhappy all the way from the grave.

The whole thing has been a crazy chapter in my life. It's been hard to let go because I'm faced with constant reminders of it. My alcoholic brother-in-law (ABIL) exhibits similar behaviors, though he's not as cunning and creative as MIL was. I allow his behavior to exacerbate the nightmarish memories of MIL. Now that he lives only 1/10 of a mile from us, and we see him more often, it's even more pronounced.

However, something I've realized very recently is this: If I want any happiness in my life, I've got to let it go.

One thing I have to own is that my ongoing anger is a part of all this. I have admitted to myself and accepted that I can't let this sh!t hover like a big, stinky cloud over my life.

When I finally admitted to myself that

A) I fueled MIL by the way I treated her

B) I was equally at fault for not declaring the situation untenable and leaving, and

C) that I'm killing myself by remaining angry

I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off me.

Like Lexie said, overcoming all this baggage is akin to letting this woman live rent-free in my head. I can't allow her awake tsunamis of angry feelings or or avalanches of memories. I am slowly learning how to put her in a box and throw away the key.

As the ultra-wise Lexie also said, some of letting go is adjusting my life so my toxic ABIL can't turn my existence to poop. I do have control over how I let him affect my life. I am going to keep it as minimal as possible.

I have to let go and let God. I say the serenity prayer a lot.

I'm sorry this got long, but I was so sorry when I saw that I'd said the wrong thing to you. I apologize if my message read as though you were at fault. I wanted share my experience, but I was too vague about to be effective.
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Old 09-24-2010, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by keepcominback View Post
The first thing that comes to mind is warped lives of blameless children. When we are angry and we have bad behavior how it harms them, causes insecurity, and fear.
Hey Keep.. .that is more along the lines of what I was thinking about. . .in a way. Hope you are doing well!
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