steve1840

i cannot determine if i take two steps forward and one step back or one step forward and one step back.


i feel powerless over my actions. i feel ashamed and weak to all of you.

i GET it, but i cannot DO it



interveiw is monday for detox and all. i have to let her on her own. i cannot let go, as much as i want to. i want to "babysit" until then, but i know i cannot.

i feel powerless

MsPINKAcres

welcome to co-dependency and understanding - they are addicted to the drug/alcohol - we are addicted to them.

breathe Steve - just breathe -

Most of us couldn't do this alone either -
we needed help from a Higher Power;
a recovery program for ourselves
support from friends who have walked this same path

Don't give up before the miracle happens in YOU!!

suki44883

Yes, you CAN do it, you just don't WANT to. You ARE powerless over what she chooses to do, but you are NOT powerless over yourself.

Impurrfect

((Steve)) - you ARE powerless. You've done the "babysitting" before...has it stopped her? As long as you want to continue YOUR addiction to her, she'll let you...makes it easier for her to do whatever she wants.

This is addiction...for you. As long as you continue to do what you've always done, you're going to get what you've always gotten. Simple words, hard to do, but you're spiraling as out of control as she is.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lunaa

Making the same mistakes and expecting different results. dont make the same mistake and expect a different outcome .
Since you KNOW and sure of what's right and what you have to do then have faith and surrender to a higher power of your choice ,dont try to control everything,do what's right whatever the outcome is and submit to this higher power that it will do for you better than you would do for yourself.

steve1840

it's like each time its a little closer. but each time something gets in the way to make it harder. her interveiw is monday. i want to babysit, but cannot. she has already burned some bridges there in the city. no one no place. i really think she may end up doing something bad to herself, maybe not.

i just wish i could find her a bed for the weekend.

i wish i was stronger too

suki44883

You wouldn't know she has an interview on Monday if you had gone no contact when we urged you to. You are your own worst enemy right now. You are the only one keeping yourself enmeshed in this madness. She has had the opportunity to do something bad to herself for a long time, you just didn't know it, so you weren't all crazy acting about it. Leave her alone! If she really wanted your help, she'd be in treatment right now. SHE walked away. You are fighting a losing battle because you want her to straighten up more than she wants to straighten up. You are NOT doing her any favors.

steve1840

anvil, suki and everyone else-

you are right. i still have to say, its not that i would force herto go. or even try, for various reasons. i know it only works if they want the help for themselves. again, all i want to do is help- or babysit, or control. i guess figure if she is somewhere safe and comfortable, there is a better liklihood she wont be off somewhere else and miss the meeting.

Babyblue

I like hearing you talk Anvil!

Steve, steve, steve. The world is full of beautiful, intelligent, SOBER women who will fawn over you, dote on you, bring you breakfast in bed etc etc. Don't you deserve to be treated better and not taken advantage of? I can assure you that she probably (in her sober moments) has little respect for you. Harsh but true. She's got you in the worse way possible.

When you are in pain, struggling and sad, she will not be there for you. Not in this condition. EVER. Have you ever thought that there are several more men around who she has as much of a hold on as you? Probably are.

I don't mean to be so cold. I am coming to terms with things about the addict in my life. Addiction is in control here and it has swallowed you up. It will spit you out as long as she is using.

hello-kitty

lol. Isn't it ironic, that we expect the addict to clean up their act but we refuse to clean up our own.

By focusing on fixing the addict, we don't have to fix ourselves.

The only regrets I have right now is that I waited so long before I fixed myself. I was so busy trying to fix other people... What a waste of my life.

It's like that bible quote about complaining about the speck in someone else's eye and ignoring the giant log you have in your own eye.

The other quote I used to repeat over and over was "people in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks." How dare I focus on fixing my ex's unhealthy behavior when I wasn't willing to do whatever it takes to fix my own unhealthy behavior first. It was so hypocritical of me.

Live

that is what got me stubborn enough finally, Hell0-Kitty. Thanks.

NightandDay

hey steve,

it is definitely a process. baby steps. try doing something differently this time. see how it makes you feel. you might be surprised that you feel good standing up for yourself.

you don't have to change everything over night, but you do need to take those baby steps and start protecting yourself. this situation isn't bringing you any peace at all. not babysitting may not change things all that much, but it might just make you feel better for a few moments, and even that is worth it.

good luck! fight for you life, you deserve to get it back!

Freedom1990

This might be the rest of your life, Steve. If not with her, then someone else.

Pain has been a great teacher in my life.

I hope you get the lesson some day, I really do.

If not, there are plenty of untreated codependents out there who live their entire lives for someone else.

To me, that's not living, not in my books anymore.

coffeedrinker

steve,

i wish i could come up with some different words that would somehow make sense to you. it just seems as though you have this version of how this stuff works that you really believe, although it is counter to what numerous posters have said here.

when i wanted to help my loved one so badly i ate, slept and breathed it, sometime in that muck, i heard people saying that if i "helped" him, it actually deterred any progress he might make. what i mean is, if i provided a bed, warm house, companionship, and an easier existence (cuz that would help him wanna live a good life, right?) that it might be actually helping to keep him down.....i did a 180.
i could make myself sick by living with heartache, worry and stress, but when i understood that i was impeding his progress with my actions, i dropped a lot of those behaviors like they were hot potatoes.
because i loved him, not in spite of it.

ask yourself, steve, if what you truly want, is to have this woman weak and ill and tied to you, dependent on you, the strong, sane one....or if you truly want her to grow and be all she can be in this life?

and if the answer is the latter, then for HER sake, not just yours....set her free.

islandcat

Steve please read what 'what addicts do' at the top of this forum. When I am feeling weak I read it sometimes everyday. I am not as far along as some people on here so I have a lot of bad days. I dragged my son to rehab, babysat him for 5 days before we could get in, gave him money which I know he got high on even 2 hours before detox. I have, for my own sanity, chosen no contact. I have, k honest here, emailed him twice to tell him I love him, cause I have not seen him he got out of rehab and know he has relapsed, when I read 'my name is John' I know he is asking me for money not for food but for drugs, I know he cannot love me now as he only loves his drugs. I want to know I have done all I can, cause when he overdoses, for the third time, I know it was not for lack of anything I could have done. It hurts, my day is consumed worrying about him, but there is nothing I can do. The best thing you can do is break contact, let them do what they will, cause you are destroying your life in the process. Easier said then done, oh yes....but one step at a time. Do not let her ruin two lives, save yourself, you are here in this life to do more. Take care, prayers for you

KariSue

I am struggling with the babysitting thing myself right now and trying to figure out what I am going to do about changing it. I get your angst.

I had a thought the other day that might help you as it is helping me...somewhat anyway. I thought back on how many times I let my AS stay with me, made dinner for him, and done anything to keep him at home with me so I'd know at least at that moment he wasn't out doing drugs. Well guess what? He was doing them in my side yard or out in his car or in the bathroom and I didn't even know it. He borrowed my car because he said his was broke down and sitting in a friend's apartment complex parking lot. Finally, after time had gone by we made him take us to SEE the car. It wasn't there. He had traded it for drugs! He got it back. He had let someone use it temporarily in exchange for drugs (or so the police surmised). A kind of "Rent a Car for Drugs" thing. So here he was right under my roof and living what I call a double life.

IF they are THAT clever then I figure they can't be THAT helpless when they are out on the street. Think of the smartness and cleverness it took to pull that off right under our noses! This guy is no dummy. With that kind of cleverness he can surely fend for himself on the street!

So now I have to figure out my next move and so do you.

I also remember seeing on a Dr. Phil show a show about cheating spouses. He said it doesn't matter what you do if they want to cheat they'll find a way. EXACT same thing with drug addiction. We're just spinning our wheels. I am trying to find the strength now to do something about it. I think the light is finally starting to come on.

I thought saying this might help.

Ain't this life fun???? NOT! Lol!

Kari

kiki5711

Go ahead STeve, babysit her, take her to detox, wait outside the door till you turn blue in the face, give her all your money cause she's helpless and just soooo needs you, leave her all your belongings in your will, cause after she drives you crazy you'll want to kill yourself, and then she'll spend all your money and think, (geez, he was good, gotta find me another like him/maybe one with more money).

So go ahead. Do whatever you want and as long as you want, become a vampire because you can't resist her bite.

But then don't complain to anyone about it.

keepinon

Beleive me I am CODEPENDANT and its my own DAUGHTER. But..what i really want for her is to be sober AND independant. As a non-addict, there are certain ways I cannot help her. I encourage you to sit in some AA meetings and see how it works..they need to be held accountable by their peers. Need to develop those sponsor/sponsee rlationships..we are not the ones who have been on the streets, selling ourselves, losing our dignity, health , sense of integrity.. but THEY have. Let someone 12 step her, let her go on her own, let her hit bottom which may take eons. Let someone with program experience be ther..WHEN SHE WANTS to get healthy. I know its hard and work at keeping my hands off every day..especially when I feel like I can nudge in the right direction BUT nothing I say or don't say will change her sobriety . I've been advised not really to talk to my own daughter...we had 1 mimiemergency, but she needs people in the program not her mom most of the time.

lunaa

Steve. addicts are not weak nor helpless and dependent on us as we think!
A Person who is able to go to the streets,meet people,use people,get money anyway they can and finally get the drugs from any place despite how hard it is is not someone who is weak and is definitley not someone who needs babysitting.

lightseeker

I agree with Kiki. Go ahead and do what you are going to do. No one can talk you out of what you are going to do anyway. In a way, we're struggling to help you in the same way that you are struggling to help her.

I've had to play my own dramas out my own way - and I'm sure it was extremely frusturating for my friends and family to watch it all. After I kept doing the same things over and over they finally quit listening to me moan, lament, and angst about it all. That's when I finally went to Naranon/Alanon and learned a better way.

There are some great "anon" programs out there and it's true. It works if you work it. I decided to work the program for myself that I hoped and wished the addicts in my life would work. Only when I did it 100% would I allow myself to then focus on them and what they should be doing. So far, I'm still working on me.

Steve, I am sorry for your pain and difficulties.