Opening my heart again
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Opening my heart again
I've started to type this thread 3 times...can't seem to get my thoughts out exactly as I want to, but I'm going to try again...
I've read other posts on this topic. I'm starting to feel like I'm warming to the idea of opening up my heart again but am so scared that I will make poor choices again. In fact, there's someone I really like (it's mutual) but I can see that there is an [I]availability[I] issue here. It's safer, somehow, to go for someone who isn't completely emotionally available.
Do I want to go there? Oh, yeah...part of me definitely does!
HOWEVER, I can now see that I could be repeating the same pattern. Part of me doesn't care...wants to run with it, know what I mean? The other part says, Whoa, Posie, get your wits about you first and then decide....
ES&H? I've been talking to my sponsor and going to meetings. Feel like I'm on a slippery slope and part of me JUST DOESN'T WANT TO CARE.
Oy.
posie
I've read other posts on this topic. I'm starting to feel like I'm warming to the idea of opening up my heart again but am so scared that I will make poor choices again. In fact, there's someone I really like (it's mutual) but I can see that there is an [I]availability[I] issue here. It's safer, somehow, to go for someone who isn't completely emotionally available.
Do I want to go there? Oh, yeah...part of me definitely does!
HOWEVER, I can now see that I could be repeating the same pattern. Part of me doesn't care...wants to run with it, know what I mean? The other part says, Whoa, Posie, get your wits about you first and then decide....
ES&H? I've been talking to my sponsor and going to meetings. Feel like I'm on a slippery slope and part of me JUST DOESN'T WANT TO CARE.
Oy.
posie
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Suki,
The issue is the recent ending of their marriage partnership, and subsequently figuring out "where to go from here." There is no danger of secrecy, or hurting other people involved, if that's what you mean.
posie
The issue is the recent ending of their marriage partnership, and subsequently figuring out "where to go from here." There is no danger of secrecy, or hurting other people involved, if that's what you mean.
posie
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Yup, yup, yup. I get it, it's just that part of me doesn't want to. 
stella, why are we attracted to unavailable people? Well, I guess for me it's because some part of me is still not available. I don't have clarity on what that is, yet, but it must be there--why else would I be drawn to that? I've rationalized that it's okay to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable because then we're both in the same boat..2 adults getting some semblance of needs met and "letting things unfold".
So I think my internal BS-o-meter might be going haywire with all the chemistry. Zzzzzzap!
posie
stella, why are we attracted to unavailable people? Well, I guess for me it's because some part of me is still not available. I don't have clarity on what that is, yet, but it must be there--why else would I be drawn to that? I've rationalized that it's okay to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable because then we're both in the same boat..2 adults getting some semblance of needs met and "letting things unfold".
So I think my internal BS-o-meter might be going haywire with all the chemistry. Zzzzzzap!
posie
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Location: Kansas
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"Chemistry" brought me a lot of heartache for 13 years after I first got clean/sober.
I didn't listen to that small quiet voice within.
I ran with self-will.
I think you are an incredible, caring, sensitive lady. I'd hate to see you sell yourself short.
I didn't listen to that small quiet voice within.
I ran with self-will.
I think you are an incredible, caring, sensitive lady. I'd hate to see you sell yourself short.
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Originally Posted by posiesperson 
I'm starting to feel like I'm warming to the idea of opening up my heart again but am so scared that I will make poor choices again.
The best thing my therapist ever told me:
"It's not about trusting them, it's about trusting yourself.
Do you trust yourself enough to walk away if it turns out to be a poor choice?
L
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Posie, you have a copy of the Damn Book, right? Read pages 242 - 247. It's a section called "Choosing Relationships Based on Attraction." Good stuff in there.
You might even want to read before and after that, from pages 236 - 249. SEVERAL other reasons we make bad relationship choices are covered in there. You might find yourself laced through a few of them like I did.
Above all, go with your instincts. That's why HP gives us those red flags.
You might even want to read before and after that, from pages 236 - 249. SEVERAL other reasons we make bad relationship choices are covered in there. You might find yourself laced through a few of them like I did.
Above all, go with your instincts. That's why HP gives us those red flags.
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Originally Posted by posiesperson
Suki,
The issue is the recent ending of their marriage partnership, and subsequently figuring out "where to go from here."
The issue is the recent ending of their marriage partnership, and subsequently figuring out "where to go from here."
Eh?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It helps others to share our personal experiences, so here is mine.
I tried dating a guy last fall. Even posted here about the date. Nice man, stable career, well respected in the community, deacon in church and all that. There was definite chemistry. Oooolala. I run into him every now and again and it's still the same chemistry almost a year later. wicked stuff.
There were some red flags about his wanting to spend all his free time with me, calling to see what I had been doing, what I was going to be doing, when could I see him again.....I joked with him that he might be like bubblegum stuck to the bottom of my shoe - hard to get rid of. I stopped the relationship before it went farther than a few dates. We are friends.
He really wanted to experiment with the chemistry. I was sorely tempted. You know what stopped me, and still stops me? My kids. I have two teens living with me. I can't throw down with a hot number like there's no tomorrow. There is a tomorrow. I want my kids to develop more than a chemistry in their relationships. I need to be the example. (they know I think he is ooolala)
Your life = your choice.
We're here to support you!
I tried dating a guy last fall. Even posted here about the date. Nice man, stable career, well respected in the community, deacon in church and all that. There was definite chemistry. Oooolala. I run into him every now and again and it's still the same chemistry almost a year later. wicked stuff.
There were some red flags about his wanting to spend all his free time with me, calling to see what I had been doing, what I was going to be doing, when could I see him again.....I joked with him that he might be like bubblegum stuck to the bottom of my shoe - hard to get rid of. I stopped the relationship before it went farther than a few dates. We are friends.
He really wanted to experiment with the chemistry. I was sorely tempted. You know what stopped me, and still stops me? My kids. I have two teens living with me. I can't throw down with a hot number like there's no tomorrow. There is a tomorrow. I want my kids to develop more than a chemistry in their relationships. I need to be the example. (they know I think he is ooolala)
Your life = your choice.
We're here to support you!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Posie!! You devil you.
I did something like this. I went on a few dates that made me cry.
I can be honest here..I had a special friend who wanted more..I didnt. I stayed in it. Thought I was getting attached. I knew he wasnt for me. It was a bit stressful but it taught me a lot. That I still make bad choices with men. He took advantage and then I pulled the brakes. I learned from it. I didnt regret it but I wont do it again. This is just me though. I think I probably shouldnt have gotten involved and saved myself some stress but I did what I had too.
Take care!!
Lulu
I did something like this. I went on a few dates that made me cry.
I can be honest here..I had a special friend who wanted more..I didnt. I stayed in it. Thought I was getting attached. I knew he wasnt for me. It was a bit stressful but it taught me a lot. That I still make bad choices with men. He took advantage and then I pulled the brakes. I learned from it. I didnt regret it but I wont do it again. This is just me though. I think I probably shouldnt have gotten involved and saved myself some stress but I did what I had too.
Take care!!
Lulu
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Wow, this is great ES&H, thank you so much.
Anvil, I've missed your direct-talking self--hope you've been well! So, what's going on in my life? Plenty. ExH is acting up, acting weird, actually bizarre. I've been letting go of my other exs emotionally. Feeling some attraction for someone else actually assisted in that process, and I cut some additional ties by getting off of some e-mail lists I no longer need to be on, etc. So that's good. Am I distracting myself? Hmmmm...I don't know. I do think there is a "getting a fix" quality, and that has been a red flag for me, for sure.
Freedom, the self-will comment is powerful. Yeah, as I let go of the exs maybe grasping for straws...? There's something to that.
LaTeeDa, I like your therapist! As for trusting myself, I have grown a lot in that arena but yes, definitely need to evaluate that. I don't have the self-judgements about walking away like I used to have, but there are still some old behaviors that involve keeping the blinders (or sunglasses) on for too long.
I read those pages, HWC. "Searching for the emotional high" applies here. Thanks so much for the suggestion to read that! I'm having such a hard time getting through that book. Probably a clue for me to look at...
tjp, yes, you're right on. No commitment, that's been made clear. I go back and forth on that, though, because I'm not looking for commitment--at least, part of me isn't looking for commitment. I know that's not a long-term solution, I know it's not what I want ultimately, I know that this could be a great friendship but if it goes into the "chemistry" realm then anything could happen to the friendship possibilities--could be very detrimental. (But I won't deny the draw.)
Pelican, thank you for your story! I understand the kiddo thing, too, I have 2 adolescents under this roof. They would not be a part of this dynamic until I could better assess it for a long time, as there is a geographical distance between myself and this "friend" and so making clear arrangements to spend time together is easy. Thank you for the support. I agree with Coyote that you're a great momma Pelican!
And lulu, seems I'm in good company in my devilish-ness! Thank you for sharing your story and pain. I hear you.
After reading what you've each said, I recognize that there's a part of me that NEVER misbehaved and is speaking up now. Like there's a whole part of my development that I missed...? When I was very young there was a tragedy in my family and I decided I would take care of my family, never act up or cause them any pain. I took it all on! I never partied, met my exH when I was a teenager and married him in my mind a couple of months later. When we slept together it was a done deal in my mind--I would have married him no matter what, and I did.
There is something very appealing about this situation that is curious to me, like several aspects of myself are emerging all at once. My little kid who didn't get her needs met (and feels like she can't get her needs met), my adolescent self who wants to act out somewhat (and this person is definitely safe for that!), my adult self who wants a partnership at some point.
And I'm struggling with making the "right" decision. Ugh, I hate that! It feeds the perfectionistic, black/white thinking self that I've been trying to heal.
I don't want to be hurt, but I want to feel free and I wanna have some fun, dammit (yes, definitely whining here). Maybe I just don't know how to have fun ways that won't hurt me. Humph.
I love you guys. Keep talking to me.
posie
Anvil, I've missed your direct-talking self--hope you've been well!
So, what's going on in my life? Plenty. ExH is acting up, acting weird, actually bizarre. I've been letting go of my other exs emotionally. Feeling some attraction for someone else actually assisted in that process, and I cut some additional ties by getting off of some e-mail lists I no longer need to be on, etc. So that's good. Am I distracting myself? Hmmmm...I don't know. I do think there is a "getting a fix" quality, and that has been a red flag for me, for sure. Freedom, the self-will comment is powerful. Yeah, as I let go of the exs maybe grasping for straws...? There's something to that.
LaTeeDa, I like your therapist!
As for trusting myself, I have grown a lot in that arena but yes, definitely need to evaluate that. I don't have the self-judgements about walking away like I used to have, but there are still some old behaviors that involve keeping the blinders (or sunglasses) on for too long.I read those pages, HWC. "Searching for the emotional high" applies here. Thanks so much for the suggestion to read that! I'm having such a hard time getting through that book. Probably a clue for me to look at...
tjp, yes, you're right on. No commitment, that's been made clear. I go back and forth on that, though, because I'm not looking for commitment--at least, part of me isn't looking for commitment. I know that's not a long-term solution, I know it's not what I want ultimately, I know that this could be a great friendship but if it goes into the "chemistry" realm then anything could happen to the friendship possibilities--could be very detrimental. (But I won't deny the draw.)
Pelican, thank you for your story! I understand the kiddo thing, too, I have 2 adolescents under this roof. They would not be a part of this dynamic until I could better assess it for a long time, as there is a geographical distance between myself and this "friend" and so making clear arrangements to spend time together is easy. Thank you for the support. I agree with Coyote that you're a great momma Pelican!
And lulu, seems I'm in good company in my devilish-ness!
Thank you for sharing your story and pain. I hear you. After reading what you've each said, I recognize that there's a part of me that NEVER misbehaved and is speaking up now. Like there's a whole part of my development that I missed...? When I was very young there was a tragedy in my family and I decided I would take care of my family, never act up or cause them any pain. I took it all on! I never partied, met my exH when I was a teenager and married him in my mind a couple of months later. When we slept together it was a done deal in my mind--I would have married him no matter what, and I did.
There is something very appealing about this situation that is curious to me, like several aspects of myself are emerging all at once. My little kid who didn't get her needs met (and feels like she can't get her needs met), my adolescent self who wants to act out somewhat (and this person is definitely safe for that!), my adult self who wants a partnership at some point.
And I'm struggling with making the "right" decision. Ugh, I hate that! It feeds the perfectionistic, black/white thinking self that I've been trying to heal.
I don't want to be hurt, but I want to feel free and I wanna have some fun, dammit (yes, definitely whining here). Maybe I just don't know how to have fun ways that won't hurt me. Humph.
I love you guys. Keep talking to me.
posie
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
what do you guys think about this:
my brother had many date, and a couple of relationships just outta his divorce. he said to me during one of our heart-to-hearts,
"I don't think I can learn to do a healthy relationship by reading a book or going to therapy. I think I have to experience them, learn from them, and continue to become healthier."
we learn experientially, for the most part.
anyone?
my brother had many date, and a couple of relationships just outta his divorce. he said to me during one of our heart-to-hearts,
"I don't think I can learn to do a healthy relationship by reading a book or going to therapy. I think I have to experience them, learn from them, and continue to become healthier."
we learn experientially, for the most part.
anyone?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by posiesperson
So I think my internal BS-o-meter might be going haywire with all the chemistry.
that's gotta mean something.
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