freebuthurting

Hello everyone - another new day for me.

Yesterday was a bit messy. I have never been non contact with AH but contact has been fairly minimal since separation. The contact from his end has all been full of blame and excuses and lots of hurtful content. Things went quiet for a while and I was really beginning to heal. I started on codependent no more and felt I was making progress.

Yesterday there was a lengthy email and conversation with AH. He denies that alcohol was the root of the problem in our marriage and insists that it was me who ruined everything blah blah same old broken record stuff. He also gives a new explanation for his "seeming drunk" moments in the form of hypoglycemia. Apparantly he went to the Dr a couple of days ago and was told he had low blood sugar (this being 6 weeks after the "drunk without drinking" episode when I called an ambulence for him and he refused to go and get himself checked out - during which time he has told me he felt much much better!). According to him, all of this has nothing to do with the fact that he drank large amounts of 5% beer and then 5.2% cider (cider is not the same thing in UK as USA peeps) steadily for years. When I met him he was starting his day with a can of beer. He claims that he has not had a drink in a couple of weeks and that it has not been a problem for him (even though I witnessed him go through withdrawels on an almost daily basis after he reduced his alcohol intake). He is living in a dry county at the moment -this is probably a good thing. He continues with his theory that I have brainwashed myself into thinking he is alcoholic and that he can't possibly be cos he only drank a couple of beers a night for the last several months...(in reality this was a minimum of 6 units of alcohol a night but sometimes more and sometimes less - thats just the drinking I knew about).
I tell him that I am dealing with my own issues at this end, tell him I have identified myself as codependent and he responds by saying he is the codependent etc and so on....it goes on and on and on. He tells me what I should have done, gives a picture of life that bears utterly no resemblence to the life I was living with him....in short he saps me of my serenity and my happy inner self. I tell him that even if it was hypoglycemia and not alcoholism that too was his responsibility - to take care of himself, get diagnosed and what woman wants to be with a person who doesn't take care of their basic health needs anyway?

Today I find myself obsessing again, fretting, worrying, trying to make sense out of things he has said that ulitmately make no sense to me....wondering what he could have ever seen in a woman so vile as the picture he paints of me...all the usual head absorbing energy wasting codie stuff..so I get on with getting the children to school and taking care of what needs to be taken care of then I pick up Melody Beattie and I read the chapter on detatchment. It made me feel a lot better. Its amazing how, even from across the world, I can allow the things he says to bring such a feeling of chaos into my world. I really don't want to go NC with him but clearly contact is not going to change anything for him and at my end it just makes things worse. He seems to think that by relentlessly battering me with blame and accusations he can change me even though I have already made genuine apology and felt real remorse for all the codependent insanity I displayed in our marriage. I am glad I am now in a place where I can detatch with love and not anger as I do care very deeply about him but our inability to communicate in a productive way drives me insane. I always am left feeling I was neither heard nor validated - and rather like I just spent the whole time banging my head against a wall. I am also wondering exactly how much of what I have been told was even the truth!
I am powerless to change him - but I am working as hard as I possibly can on changing me.

Why am I posting this? Mainly just to get it out, help me process it, and because this place has become a real source of support for me.

missphit

good for you for recognizing what you lived and what you feel!! you can't take the word of an Active alcoholic and you don't know that anything he says is true....you only know what is true for you and that is all that matters. In some ways i see that my living this for so long has make me very callous to those words, all of which i heard toward me too. Of course i am always to blame for everything and he denied drinking most of the time, even though i could smell it.
you describe hte life of a drunk and you should trust yourself. You are a smart and wise accomplished person who has a right to be happy....i realize that when i try to banter with my AH it is because i am trying to cause a change in him...the truth is, it doesn't matter if he validates me or not, what matters is that i validate myself. i have every right to feel the way i do and do what i must to be happy....you do too!! and i don't have to defend my happiness to anyone. I'm sorry that you have to go through it, i remember those feelings only too well....but after 20 years i am hard to it all. I know i deserve better and you do too. he is in denial and thank goodness you are not! YOU GO GIRL....you deserve serenity so do something nice for yourself to show yourself that you believe YOU, don't allow him to make you question yourself.....he is sick and that is sad!! you are in charge of how you want to live and feel. Enjoy that!!

freebuthurting

I think when I talked with AH I was looking for a change in him. I was probably hooking myself into hope that there was a change in him but, of course, there was none and I set myself up for that. When I trusted him - my life fell apart. Simple as that!
Your post has validated me more than he did in 3 years of marriage.


Now- - if only i could physically detatch myself from this virus that the kids brought home from school - i would be feeling even better still! Oh well - can't control that one either. Best let it run its course and wait to feel better.

missphit

Hope you feel better FBH...and remember, only YOU know how YOU feel and you have a right and never, ever have to defend yourself to anyone, least of all an alcoholic! can you believe my son told me that? I feel so fortunate about that. as far as dating, if you concentrate on yourself and get yourself healthy, you will attract healthier people...i realize that i attracted this AH because of my view of myself....so I was the alcoholic magnet, therefore, i will not do that, ever, again...no point to repeat myself. My job is to work on transforming me and enjoying that ride....I hope you can do the same and you are young enough that you will attract a person that reflects how you feel about yourself!! you have a wonderful journey ahead!

freebuthurting

Just seen my spelling mistake - detatchment! Can't find the edit button now either.

I cannot see my future being with anyone else. I know it is still really early days but the thought of meeting someone new is much scarier to me than the thought of being alone.

BklynGrl

I can relate, except in addition to blaming me and the fact that I'm always in a bad mood, he blames his thyroid. Except he's never even been diagnosed with thyroid issues. We barely have contact too and it really is the best thing. Yesterday was a rare day when we talked to just a couple of minutes about our cats and I almost had an outer body experience where I could hear myself talking to him. But my voice wasn't my voice I sounded like a dead person. It was very enlightening. Just remember one day at a time.

Still Waters

LOL. Sorry, I know it isn't funny but looking back for me - mine did this every single time. If I had a headache, he did too. If I was having allergy problems, he was too (even though he doesn't HAVE allergies). I swear, if I had had monthly problems he would have needed a Midol.

It's like they parrot things, maybe it's easier? I don't know why they do it, but it sure is insane.

Learn2Live

One Day at a Time, Free.

Every morning when I wake up I make a decision. I decide whether or not I am going to allow sick, negative, toxic people into my life. And I decide how much of that sickness, negativity, and toxicity I am going to tolerate. My tolerance for it now is VERY small. Sometimes it is even Zero.

As for fears of being alone, I had them too, many many times for many years. I was so fearful of living my life alone, that I hung onto men who I THOUGHT were strong, who I THOUGHT would care for me and protect me. I was so fearful I would hardly go ANYWHERE without a man to lead me.

What I learned to do was to FACE MY fears. I see you live in the UK. I always wanted to go to Europe but no one ever took me. So once I got in Recovery, do you know what I did? I flew to Europe and backpacked ALONE. It was the SCARIEST thing I had ever done but the moment I stepped off that plane back in the states I KNEW that I could accomplish ANYTHING. So now, I make it a habit of recognizing my fears and doing the EXACT thing I am afraid of. It is difficult, yes, but it is so very worth it. Stand up girl, keep your head up and your chin up and KNOW in your heart that you have the ability to face whatever you need to face in this world.

And go No Contact.

missphit

hahaha, now that you mention it, i can't be sick or "under the weather" without my AH having some sort if issue too. it was like a "let's see who is worse off" competition, hahaha.....glad i won't have to do that anymore. if i was not feeling well, which didn't happen very often i had to take care of myself and if he didn't feel well, then i had to take care of him. amazing the things a person (meaning me) will do to get approval and love. I need to do for me, what i was doing for him.....and I am!!

coyote21

My XMIL called about a year ago with the definitive reason why axw still sounded drunk from time to time, when she had been (claiming to be) sober for several years.

They had just taken her to the doctor after a "seemingly" drunken episode, and lo and behold, she was hypoglycemic! Well there you go!

XMIL sounded SO RELIEVED to finally have an answer. Bless her heart, especially to have an answer that reinforces her own denial. My daughter HAS been sober all these times she sounded wasted, she's just hypoglycemic. Pu-lease.

Now there's no doubt in my mind that years of drinking damages the entire body and ALL it's systems (brain and reasoning ability included), and I don't doubt that MANY alcoholics are diagnosed with hypoglycemia as a result of years of abuse.

But I do doubt that axw has been sober for the last 3 years and that hypoglycemia is responsible for her recent "near death" experience. Hello.

It's taken me years to KNOW bulls**t from fact, after all, they are master bulls**ters. I know axw is drinking herself to death as we speak, and it's not quite 8am here. One other thing I know, the fear of death is not enough to stop an alcoholic from drinking.

I think you are doing great.

My progress from my illness of codependency has not been exactly linear. It has zig zaged with stops and starts and relapses/set backs. Mostly when I have allowed too much contact, or if axw hits me between the eyes and catches me off guard with some nonsense.

Keep reading and posting and learning.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

freebuthurting

Ah yes - if only I had been a Stepford Wife and could have been laid back and happy all the time we would have had such a wonderful life. If only I was a robot with no emotions or needs at all.

We haven't actually spoken voice to voice in over 5 weeks - all our conversations have been typed on MSN. The last time I spoke with him was the last time I saw him. It was absolutely horrid from his side and it was very very minimal indeed from mine. He hasn't even given me a postal address.

coyote21

My axw is 4 hours away, and not a day goes by that I don't thank my HP for this physical distance. As axw goes down in flames, it is truly one of my greatest blessings NOT to have a front row seat.

I would like to go on record here in black and white. I, Coyote, would like to predict the future for you.

I predict, that a time will come, in the not too distant future, where you will perceive your husbands moving back "across the pond" and not having a mailing address, as one of your biggest blessings.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

freebuthurting

Thank-you SO much for this Coyote. My instinct is exactly what you have said. He had 3 years to get himself medically checked out while he was here with me and the perfect opportunity to find out if it was something serious when I called the ambulence that day. He was the one who refused to go and when I set the ultimatum that going was the only thing that might save our marriage - he still did not go. He actually managed to make me calling an ambulence into a malicious act of "case building"!!! go-figure.

He had actually been to the Drs that very morning and told the Dr he had food poisoning. It was on his return from the Drs that he came home unable to stand up and slurring his words! He had left the surgery at least 45 minutes before he came home - I know this as point of fact because I went to the surgery (which is a one minute walk from the house) and they told me had already left some time before. I called him twice in that time -the second time I called he was slurring his words and apologising saying he would be back. When he came back he couldn't walk properly.
If indeed there was any hypoglycemia I have no doubt at all that it was caused by years of alcohol abuse and the subsequent malnutrician. Encouraging him to eat properly was something I was doing all the time -- as if it should even have to be!
My conclusion - if he has hypoglycemia then it was caused by years of alcohol abuse in the first place. Also - if an adult gets hypoglycemia then they have only themself to blame for not eating properly and looking after themself with due care and attention. Either way -its certainly none of my fault and all of his responsibility. Its a nice little way for him to reinforce his own denial that alcohol is a problem though.
My progress with recovery from codependency is in its infancy - I am nurturing it and excited about it. This place is going to be a great help - already is being.

freebuthurting

Coyote my friend - I already do.

freebuthurting

I am not scared of being alone. Its the idea of being with someone else that scares me at the moment. The scariest thought of all is the thought of being with my husband again. That one is just... I think some fears are best left alone if you get my meaning.
Thank-you for your pep talk though. I needed that. I will not be contacting him - not even if his former place of work comes and fills my entire front room with mail for him.

Deesire

I was so complicit in denial for a while with my XAS that when he had a sleepwalking episode (during which he peed against a lamp in the bedroom), I actually believed his denials that alcohol had been involved and felt horrible about the side effects he was experiencing from his anti-depressants! I was doing google research about it, and suggesting to him that he go to the doctor to get the prescription changed, etc., etc., rather than opening my eyes to the reality of his secret drinking, his lies and deceit. Like Cayote's MIL, I, too, was so relieved there was a medical cause for what I would have considered unacceptable behaviour otherwise. Eventually, of course, more of the secret drinking became exposed and I did leave him. Like you, Freebuthurt (and probably all of us here on the forum), I am working at detachment and acceptance and am making some progress.

RollTide

"When I trusted him - my life fell apart. Simple as that!"

Yep. That pretty much sums up my life with my XAH also. I refer to it as BC and AD. BC = before crazy. AD = after divorce.

coyote21

I'm waiting for one to pee on a wall socket.


Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

missphit

hahaha, what a show that would be! thanks for the laugh AND the popcorn!

freebuthurting

:rotfxko