briana09

Im new to this site and feel so blessed to have found it. I could sit on here for hours! My husband is an addict...we have been married for 6 yrs and together for 7. We have two beautiful boys 5 and under. My AH will go several months smoking weed, coming home wasted (driving himself) and when he can get pain pills, will be using those too. I just started going to Al Anon a couple weeks ago and it has helped tremendously!!! It is so nice to know Im not the train wreck my AH has called me so many times for going through his car, pants and shirts, wallet, shoes, closet etc....(what a waste of time.)
So, Im learning that I need to stop catching him when he falls....BUt any advice on what to do about money? I stay at home with the kids and hes on another binge and keeps using a ton of money....today I withdrew all of it....(partly b/c one day last week we were broke and he stayed clean b/c he had no money to buy) but I mostly took the money to open my own account so that I can provide food, clothing and necessities for the kids and I. I know if I just let it sit there, hes going to get all crazy with it and there will be none left!
Is this considered ok in your mind? Im still really trying to grasp and truly understand detachment and how to respond if he is high when he comes home----like, Al Anon says not to yell or argue with the user so I don't. But, if I also allow him to just be that way around me and I don't argue, then how is he going to know I don't want it? Also, Im angry and sad and when I respond to him, it can def look like that. I have said mean things to him but Im trying to remember that its a bad disease, good person. B/c when he is sober...hes a wonderful father and husband who provides for us. Has anyone else struggled with these things????
Thanks for all the support!!!

litehorse

welcome briana - i am sorry you are having to deal with this especially with children involved - i have not had to deal with that particular situation but there are many here who have and i'm sure will be along in a while to share their wisdom and experience - you have come to a good place for support - prayers are with you

dollydo

I would do the same thing, make sure that there is money to keep the house running.

Callie

I wouldn't care whether it was control or not. At least you can 'control' that the bills are paid, there's food on the table etc. Do what you need to do for yourself and your kids.

liesagain

so sorry that you are going through this

Theres nothing wrong with you protecting and providing for your children and moving the money is doing just that

I think theres a fine line between the part about "not yelling or arguing" with the active addict and sitting there allowing active addiction to continue in your home and around your children. You dont have to yell or argue to let him know that you dont like this and are no longer willing to tolerate it

The sticky posts here have a lot of great information on detachment and boundaries~~~they work well hand in hand
Good luck to you

keepinon

I would do what I had to do to keep my kids and self safe.

smith2b555

My AH check is direct deposited and I pay bills before he can get into it. I always hear about it later though. He says I am hoarding money. He never stops the direct deposit though. When he does I don't know what I will do then.

sojourner

Welcome to SR! I agree with what everyone else has said.

In Alanon, you'll learn the difference between protecting yourself/kids and controlling. This is protecting yourself/kids. I also struggled with the same thing when I was married to an addict and had small children. Even though i was confused then, now i look back on that and think it was a no-brainer to get control of the money so I could get food, medications for kids, pay for the house, etc.

As you go further along in this, you will come up on other situations you have to decide whether to take control of or not. So if you have more questions, feel free to come back here and get some ESH (experience, strength, hope) from others who have already been down your road.

briana09

Thank you, thank you for all the reassuring! I sent him an email telling him why I did that and he said he understands...im next step is changing the locks....Hugs to everyone!