Still Waters

I love being alone. I love the peace and quiet. I love doing what I want when I want. I love having the bathroom to myself.

Now I feel selfish. :P

chicory

suki44883

I agree 1000%, Still Waters! After the horrendous time I've had over the past years, living alone is exactly what I need and I cannot imagine ever marrying again.

CatsPajamas

Early on, before I found recovery, I didn't do well when I was alone. Part of what made my crazy life tolerable was that there was ALWAYS something going on. I ran around with my fire extinguisher putting out whatever figurative fire that my A had created.

When I was alone, I had too much time to think. I started to realize that other people didn't live the way we lived... and I was really uncomfortable in my own skin. It was exhausting and terrifying.

Early recovery days had my sponsor working with me on just being still, and learning to be OK by myself. It was hard work!

I hadn't thought about that in a long time.... I am so glad that i don't have to live like that anymore.

Live

LOL, Still Waters...my first thought was "oh, man....I LOVE it, too!!!!!!"
Then I realized I am not alone.
But I still have all those freedoms, wouldn't give them up for anything!

kiki5711

:ghug3 Excellent post!!!

NightandDay

I would love to feel as you all do now, but Cat's post really resonated with me. I hate to be alone. I like a little bit of time to myself to organize my things, enjoy my home. . . but I get stuck in my head very quickly if I have too much time alone and then I get very anxious and depressed. Usually I will start crying.

I have used chaos for so long to keep me busy, but now that I'm in recovery, it is harder to allow myself to do that -- I'm aware of it, and I am making the effort to stop. But it sucks. I just want to escape these days but there is nowhere to go, for I wherever I go, there I am. . .

I have hope it will get better, but I am having a very rough time lately. There is so much sadness it's overwhelming. . . I'm wary of feeling my feelings because it hurts. At least the chaos motivated me to come up with solutions, even if they never worked! I am feeling very dull and hopeless lately and I'm so sick of crying. Sometimes I think it would be better to go back to how I was before. . . just indulge in those unhealthy behaviors and tell my heart to shut up, it's never going to get what it wants so stop bugging me.

I won't do that, but the desire is there. I am lonely when I'm alone.

NightandDay

And I don't want to talk to HP either anymore. If he's so great, then why didn't he look out for me when I NEEDED it? ie. when i was growing up?


I am still doing the steps and working a program. . . it's just this is how I feel lately.

Still Waters

Are you seeing a therapist? Getting individual counseling was very very helpful for me, and it might be that it would help you get past this hurdle.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that your heart doesn't really know what it wants at all. Part of recovery, for me, is figuring out what it is I really want and need for a happy me.

NightandDay

Yes, I have been seeing a therapist regularly and intensely since January.

I am sure my heart doesn't know what it wants. But it has ideas. Idk, I don't think I have anything else to say on it right now

Still Waters

Don't hesitate to change therapists, if you feel you aren't making progress with your current one btw.

No need to say anything at all N&D, hang in there. This too shall pass.

NightandDay

Thanks Still Waters.

I think I am making great progress with my therapist and I am extremely grateful for her and to her.

This has been in me for a long time, and I've used my relationships and the chaos of my life to cover it up. Now that I'm in recovery, it is surfacing as I spend more time alone and try to answer the question each day, "What would be best for me today?"

I just came back from a great Al-Anon meeting, "women & self-esteem." Learning self-care is very new to me. . . and sometimes when I can't decipher exactly what I want, I get anxious and want to revert back to my old ways. And I am finding now that even if I don't revert to the old behaviors, I am still reverting to old thought patterns. . .

I am grateful for recovery, and I am not going to give up, but it is challenging for me right now. A lot of sadness and grief.