My boyfriend wants me to help him detox, I don't know what to do
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Palm Springs, Ca
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My boyfriend wants me to help him detox, I don't know what to do
I re-met my boyfriend while he was in rehab in February. We went to highschool together, which is why I say re-met. We spoke, but on a friendly level. Admittedly flirtatious. After he graduated, we started dating. I know you are not suppose to date an addict for the first year in their recovery, but he was at 9 months sober at the time, and I just fell in love. (Stupid, I know.) He is a heroin addict. He was very honest with me about where he got his drugs, etc, even including names of people he bought from and costs of them. I did not have experience in these areas.
I was in a car accident a few months ago, a pretty serious one and received opiates and benzodiazepienes to aid my recovery. At first it didn't bother him that I had the drugs, and over time he started to ask me for some. I told him no, it didn't feel right, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something I did set him back from all the progress he had made. His questioning made me start to keep track of the drugs I did have (as anyone knows, any legitimate doctor does not readily give away controlled substances, so I used them only when absolutely necessary).
We live in an area based on tourism and he had gone home to his family after rehab. I am familiar, some, with AA, Alanon, etc so I knew this was a danger zone too, but he seemed to be keeping it together. The breaking point was when he decided to tell me he was going to go to the doctor that use to prescribe him methadone and xanax when he couldn't get his heroin fix. He called it the pill mill. I freaked out. Ultimately he did it anyway.
I suppose at that time I should have cut him off, but I know several recovering addicts who have slipped here and there and not gone back completely. I am mad at myself because I wanted to be blind to the inevitable and believe he could be one of them.
Fast forward and we decide to move in together, because, I thought I knew when he was using, and it was about as often as I like to drink. Managable, doesn't affect work, school, or my relationships so I felt like a hypoctrite for getting mad at him for using precocet the same way. I guess I don't fully understand addiction, or I am just in extreme denial, I don't know.
We moved in together and shortly after that his job contract ran out. Suddenly I became the full financial supporter, and strange things started happening. I started to notice that my pills were missing from my prescription bottles that I had as back up, in case my pain flared or I panicked. I cannot get refills on these things, so I guess he assumed I wouldn't notice if they were missing. I let him borrow my car to look for a job and suddenly I am having to get gas 4 times a week instead of once (the place where he gets his drugs is about 25 miles from where we live and all surface driving). Each time I gave him my debit card, there was surprisingly $5 or $10 unaccounted for that he "bought food" with or "got a starbucks". No receipts, no trash for these purchases, nothing.
I think he lied to me about getting a job at this point too. I am receiving a settlement for my accident (I was not at fault) and I think he is telling me what I want to hear, in order to stay riding me. Additionally, every time money goes "missing" or pills "get lost", he appears to be incredibly high. I have been enough people who are high, and him long enough sober, to not think that nodding out is just him being relaxed or tired as he says.
The last straw was $25 cash that mysteriously disappeared out of my wallet, and the supposed job that he got and went to training for, but they haven't called him back to put him on the schedule yet, and the 4 tanks of gas I had to put in my car this week. That day he was nodding out and telling me he wanted to marry me and have me be the mother of his children (things he knows I want one day out of a committed relationship.)
Each time I have suspected drug use, I have asked him what is wrong. I have asked him where his pupils are. I have not outright accused him of drug use, but I know something is not right. I have drawn it to his attention.
Last night I confronted him, absolutely lost it. I knew he had been getting percocet, but that heroin is much cheaper and with his lowered tolerance (from before rehab) $5-10 a day could keep him high. As far as I knew, his lack of job had prevented him from refilling the percocet prescription. I outlined all the funny behaviors, the inconsistencies with his stories, etc and told him that I deserved to know the truth, and that if he could be honest with me I would help him recover from relapse this ONE time.
His response was to ask me for the last of my percocet to help him detox and he'd tell me everything. I told him no, absolutely not. I told him my heart was breaking, that I felt manipulated, lied to, taken advantage of (it only took me 6 weeks to figure it out, because I haven't experienced it before, but I eventually figured it out). I told him that i knew enough that helping him "ween off" was enabling him, and that he had already taken everything he wanted from me and having my heart and my committment to him was all that he had left. I told him I was detaching with love, and that if detoxing was what was happening with him, he had to suffer because he recreated the situation and had to deal with the consequences. I told him that I had suffered and lost enough supporting him and being lied to and stolen from the last month.
He told me that if I left him like this (hurting from supposed detox today) that it wasn't going to go the way I thought it was. (I started keeping the drugs on me after I realized he was stealing them). He is using my few drugs as a manipulation to admit his lies to me. Drugs that I still on occasion need for my recovery. I am not physically completely recovered. I do my best to take them in a way that won't get ME addicted, but I know no one is safe from chemical addiction.
I left telling him that I loved him with all my heart and I hoped he would search his soul deep and confess every lie to me, so that we could move forward and he could be the man I know he can be, and we could get him on the road to recovery again. He responded by asking me if he could use my car. I told him no because I can't afford the gas, and I don't trust him.
My heart is breaking. Did I do the right thing? Is it my responsibility to help him detox? I am looking for Alanon meetings that fit into my schedule as we speak.
I love him so much. He did so well when he was clean. He STILL hasn't confessed anything to me, aside from asking me to help him detox. I should have been stronger in the beginning, shouldn't have told him what the doctors gave me and planted the seed in his head or let him know it was under his nose...idk. I feel like such a hypocrite and a fool. I feel like I let the man I love slip away and now I don't know what to do to make it right...
I was in a car accident a few months ago, a pretty serious one and received opiates and benzodiazepienes to aid my recovery. At first it didn't bother him that I had the drugs, and over time he started to ask me for some. I told him no, it didn't feel right, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something I did set him back from all the progress he had made. His questioning made me start to keep track of the drugs I did have (as anyone knows, any legitimate doctor does not readily give away controlled substances, so I used them only when absolutely necessary).
We live in an area based on tourism and he had gone home to his family after rehab. I am familiar, some, with AA, Alanon, etc so I knew this was a danger zone too, but he seemed to be keeping it together. The breaking point was when he decided to tell me he was going to go to the doctor that use to prescribe him methadone and xanax when he couldn't get his heroin fix. He called it the pill mill. I freaked out. Ultimately he did it anyway.
I suppose at that time I should have cut him off, but I know several recovering addicts who have slipped here and there and not gone back completely. I am mad at myself because I wanted to be blind to the inevitable and believe he could be one of them.
Fast forward and we decide to move in together, because, I thought I knew when he was using, and it was about as often as I like to drink. Managable, doesn't affect work, school, or my relationships so I felt like a hypoctrite for getting mad at him for using precocet the same way. I guess I don't fully understand addiction, or I am just in extreme denial, I don't know.
We moved in together and shortly after that his job contract ran out. Suddenly I became the full financial supporter, and strange things started happening. I started to notice that my pills were missing from my prescription bottles that I had as back up, in case my pain flared or I panicked. I cannot get refills on these things, so I guess he assumed I wouldn't notice if they were missing. I let him borrow my car to look for a job and suddenly I am having to get gas 4 times a week instead of once (the place where he gets his drugs is about 25 miles from where we live and all surface driving). Each time I gave him my debit card, there was surprisingly $5 or $10 unaccounted for that he "bought food" with or "got a starbucks". No receipts, no trash for these purchases, nothing.
I think he lied to me about getting a job at this point too. I am receiving a settlement for my accident (I was not at fault) and I think he is telling me what I want to hear, in order to stay riding me. Additionally, every time money goes "missing" or pills "get lost", he appears to be incredibly high. I have been enough people who are high, and him long enough sober, to not think that nodding out is just him being relaxed or tired as he says.
The last straw was $25 cash that mysteriously disappeared out of my wallet, and the supposed job that he got and went to training for, but they haven't called him back to put him on the schedule yet, and the 4 tanks of gas I had to put in my car this week. That day he was nodding out and telling me he wanted to marry me and have me be the mother of his children (things he knows I want one day out of a committed relationship.)
Each time I have suspected drug use, I have asked him what is wrong. I have asked him where his pupils are. I have not outright accused him of drug use, but I know something is not right. I have drawn it to his attention.
Last night I confronted him, absolutely lost it. I knew he had been getting percocet, but that heroin is much cheaper and with his lowered tolerance (from before rehab) $5-10 a day could keep him high. As far as I knew, his lack of job had prevented him from refilling the percocet prescription. I outlined all the funny behaviors, the inconsistencies with his stories, etc and told him that I deserved to know the truth, and that if he could be honest with me I would help him recover from relapse this ONE time.
His response was to ask me for the last of my percocet to help him detox and he'd tell me everything. I told him no, absolutely not. I told him my heart was breaking, that I felt manipulated, lied to, taken advantage of (it only took me 6 weeks to figure it out, because I haven't experienced it before, but I eventually figured it out). I told him that i knew enough that helping him "ween off" was enabling him, and that he had already taken everything he wanted from me and having my heart and my committment to him was all that he had left. I told him I was detaching with love, and that if detoxing was what was happening with him, he had to suffer because he recreated the situation and had to deal with the consequences. I told him that I had suffered and lost enough supporting him and being lied to and stolen from the last month.
He told me that if I left him like this (hurting from supposed detox today) that it wasn't going to go the way I thought it was. (I started keeping the drugs on me after I realized he was stealing them). He is using my few drugs as a manipulation to admit his lies to me. Drugs that I still on occasion need for my recovery. I am not physically completely recovered. I do my best to take them in a way that won't get ME addicted, but I know no one is safe from chemical addiction.
I left telling him that I loved him with all my heart and I hoped he would search his soul deep and confess every lie to me, so that we could move forward and he could be the man I know he can be, and we could get him on the road to recovery again. He responded by asking me if he could use my car. I told him no because I can't afford the gas, and I don't trust him.
My heart is breaking. Did I do the right thing? Is it my responsibility to help him detox? I am looking for Alanon meetings that fit into my schedule as we speak.
I love him so much. He did so well when he was clean. He STILL hasn't confessed anything to me, aside from asking me to help him detox. I should have been stronger in the beginning, shouldn't have told him what the doctors gave me and planted the seed in his head or let him know it was under his nose...idk. I feel like such a hypocrite and a fool. I feel like I let the man I love slip away and now I don't know what to do to make it right...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
It's not your job to help him detox and it's not your job to "make it right." He has lied to you, stolen from you and now he's trying to guilt-trip you into "helping" him. If he wants to detox, he can do it without your help. I'd tell him to see a doctor for help as you are not qualified and it can be quite dangerous to be alone with someone coming off that stuff.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Palm Springs, Ca
Posts: 24
Thank you. My head knows that but my heart is having a hard time accepting it, because he is basically telling me I am abandoning him. I told him having my heart and my committment is enough, and all I have left and beyond that it is up to him. I so desperately want him to be honest with me because he makes me feel like I am losing my mind. From reading other posts that seems to be a common feeling amongst people who are love/are in love with addicts...
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
In situations like this, your heart will keep you stuck in the muck and the mire. Your head knows what you need to do. Another thing, he is manipulating you by saying he'll "tell you everything" if you help him detox. You don't need to know "everything." You already know all you need to know. He has lied to you, stolen from you and manipulated you. Who is to say that he won't go right back to using? The future is going to be one of him having to constantly work on his recovery. That is, if he actually stops using in the first place.
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Do I kick him out and force him to go back to his parents, or back to rehab? What if he never comes back???...I can't believe I am in this place, this is so unreal...I knew it too, I am so mad at myself too for even allowing myself to believe he would be ok after he got the percocet the first time.
One of my recovering heroin addict friends had been clean for ten years and got into a car accident so serious she was in a medically induced coma. She was on morpheine after that, but weened herself off and refused to let her life get caught up again. I wanted to believe he had the same drive. I feel foolish for letting myself fall in love with him anyway.
One of my recovering heroin addict friends had been clean for ten years and got into a car accident so serious she was in a medically induced coma. She was on morpheine after that, but weened herself off and refused to let her life get caught up again. I wanted to believe he had the same drive. I feel foolish for letting myself fall in love with him anyway.
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Hello Wntsluv - It's good you came here to tell your story - it always helps to know we aren't alone.
I'm afraid Suki is right - you aren't qualified to help someone with a dangerous situation like this, and you certainly aren't obligated after all he's put you through. I know I've done stupid, thoughtless & selfish things while drinking & never intended to take advantage of my family, but I did. I'm sure he didn't plan to start using again, or to hurt you - but you must protect yourself from being dragged in deeper, since he isn't in control of himself at this time.
If he's serious about wanting a future with you, he'll get professional help & make amends so you can see what his intentions truly are. I hope you won't be too hard on yourself - we all want to believe in those we love - & that we can make a difference to them. Things may yet have a happy ending, but he needs to regain control of his life.
Let us know what happens.
I'm afraid Suki is right - you aren't qualified to help someone with a dangerous situation like this, and you certainly aren't obligated after all he's put you through. I know I've done stupid, thoughtless & selfish things while drinking & never intended to take advantage of my family, but I did. I'm sure he didn't plan to start using again, or to hurt you - but you must protect yourself from being dragged in deeper, since he isn't in control of himself at this time.
If he's serious about wanting a future with you, he'll get professional help & make amends so you can see what his intentions truly are. I hope you won't be too hard on yourself - we all want to believe in those we love - & that we can make a difference to them. Things may yet have a happy ending, but he needs to regain control of his life.
Let us know what happens.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Palm Springs, Ca
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Do I go to his family or just let it go? I don't know them, basically at all. He has kept me from them. He said it has nothing to do with me, it's his issue (I thought he was ashamed of me) but now I think he has stayed away because they would know he was using...
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Location: Upstate New York
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I don't think you should - he needs to face this on his own. He needs to show you that he's worthy of being given a second chance. He already knows you're a kind person & that you care for him - but you need to draw the line & back off until you see what his intentions are.
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Thank you guys. I love the internet right now, all the Alanon meetings in my area conflict with work and school, and I needed immediate answers to get my head straight and feel supported. Obviously I need to work on myself too, if I saw the red flags and allowed myself to get involved anyway.
I'm sure it's as easy and being the child of an alcoholic (I am) and being subconsciously drawn toward the familiar. I hope I can break the pattern...I just hope he comes with me.
I'm sure it's as easy and being the child of an alcoholic (I am) and being subconsciously drawn toward the familiar. I hope I can break the pattern...I just hope he comes with me.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,872
It's not your place to tell his parents, most especially since you don't even know them. If he wants to go to them or just crash on someone's couch, that is his business. Don't let him guilt you into doing something you don't feel comfortable with. Detox is his responsibility.
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Sending you HUGE hugs. I haven't been where you are... but, I have been on his end (not with drugs but with drinking). In the end it has to be his decision to get clean and sober. Even if you love him with everything you are. It won't be enough to make him change.
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Thanks guys. He called and asked me to print out a list of NA and AA meetings in our area for him. (I did) I am considering giving him until the end of the month to find a job or asking him to leave. I cannot afford to support him anymore. I have already decided not to let him use his car. I guess I will feed him dinner (the only meal I feed myself at home 4 days a week) and let him fend for himself in between. If he can figure out how to use, he can find food.
I have to decide how I feel about always being second to heroin. I hope he tells me the truth soon...
I have to decide how I feel about always being second to heroin. I hope he tells me the truth soon...
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
He is an addict, and we addicts will lie, cheat, and steal to get what we want. Therefore, he is lying, cheating, and stealing from you. You are not qualified to help him detox from heroin....it will be a long road for him and he will probably need professional help. The only thing you can do at this point is help yourself and prevent yourself from losing any more to his disease. I think you know what you need to do. I wouldn't contact his family if you don't know them....it sounds like he has probably burned those bridges.
Just remember he is not a bad person but he is not doing what he needs to do to control his disease, and until he does he is only going to hurt himself and everyone around him. The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself by not allowing him to live with you, spend your money, etc, etc, etc until he is clean.
Just remember he is not a bad person but he is not doing what he needs to do to control his disease, and until he does he is only going to hurt himself and everyone around him. The best thing you can do for him is take care of yourself by not allowing him to live with you, spend your money, etc, etc, etc until he is clean.
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I understand that it is a disease...but do addicts really love people? Especially while using? I can appreciate using drugs to escape yourself, emotion, or just plain developing an uncontrollable need for the substance, but...to use someone who loves you so much? That doesn't feel like love to me. I wonder if that was all a lie too...
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He's been craving sweets and cigarettes too. Is that a sign of active use, or withdrawing? I have read reports on opiate withdrawal and they sound horrific. I can't imagine wanting to do either while clean.
F I am gonna have a rough night...
F I am gonna have a rough night...
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Yes, I think addicts love people, but their drug comes before everyone they love. It is pretty hard to understand, even for me and I am an addict! PLEASE don't take this personally and think he never really loved you, because it isn't about that. Drugs are cunning, baffling, powerful....it doesn't make sense but addiction takes away all reasoning and leaves a completely insane person who is going to behave in ways that make absolutely no sense.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
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Welcome to SR!
I agree with what has been said: it's HIS responsibility to get clean, it's HIS responsibility to find a place to live, it's HIS responsibility to learn to live an honest life. If I were you I'd back away until he shows signs of becoming clean and honest with himself and others.
We have a great forum here for loved ones of addicts. Do check it out.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I agree with what has been said: it's HIS responsibility to get clean, it's HIS responsibility to find a place to live, it's HIS responsibility to learn to live an honest life. If I were you I'd back away until he shows signs of becoming clean and honest with himself and others.We have a great forum here for loved ones of addicts. Do check it out.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Thank you so much for the link. And for everything, really, all of you. Today the internet has been a blessing. I don't speak to many friends about it, because I feel that they are biased, but I am realizing that they make valid points. It's good to have a place to go where it's annonymous, where you guys don't have a preexisting emotional attachment to me and just want to rip him to shreds or make me dump him.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,761
Originally Posted by wntsluv2beit 
Am I allowed to use expletitives on here? Because I just figured out that I am codependant, and I want to cuss.
If you spell them correctly, no, you're not allowed to use certain words...
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