alcoholism IS a family disease...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 75
alcoholism IS a family disease...
I wrote a huge long post and then it said I wasn't logged in!
Anyway, I'm back from Dallas. My interview went well but I can't have the job bec. the job title doesn't fit with immigration or nafta (long story) I did get another interview while there for a great job at Children's medical center and I will know early next week.
Now the rest...I saw A twice while I was there...he picked me up at the airport and we spent some time together that evening which went very well. Then I made him dinner at the condo I was renting on Monday night. That went well...except, he brought wine. All I could think of was the 3 C's all evening. I drink very little and I felt totally guilty having wine around A. I had about 3 sips of my glass of wine and I couldn't drink it. Well, A did...and the rest of the 1.5 liter bottle. I just kept thinking I can't try to control this but now I am kicking myself for not...
I tried to get him to stay over and not drive yet he insisted he had to get back as he is living at his parent's house. He left just after midnight and the deal was that I would call him at 9 as he was driving me to my interview and then the airport. I couldn't reach him on his cell and tried his parent's house. His dad answered and he was HORRIBLE to me. He said to stay away from A that I am a bad influence on him and that if A and I have a relationship we do not have their blessings (his parents) and that he didn't want me in his car (A has his own so what was that). He said that A doesn't drink when he goes out with other people and that they are his parents and they know what is best for him and all this stuff (he is 36 and so am I). I was so hurt by his dad blaming me and the truthof the matter is that A stayed sober for 3.5 weeks, went to a church singles group, felt depressed, drove to a gas station and bought a bottle of wine and drank it and has drank most days since. He drinks alone and drinks a lot. I told his dad that I rarely drink, and that A drinks because he is an A not because of me. I think it hurts so much because I have tried to support and encourage A to recover and sent him e-mails with encouragement and sent him a recovery bible and have said prayers for his recovery. And then his dad accused me of the opposite motive! I have not heard from A since and it makes me sad to think his parents have that much power over him. We had no relationship expectations of this visit, just hung out and watched a movie and talked. I feel like this whole experience since the summer with A has changed me in that I will always feel a little sad where before i was a happy person. When I stand back and logically look at this whole situation, I think it is so insane. Here is a 36 year old professional man who is drinking way too much and too often and is controlled by his 76 year old dad. I still care very much about him and hope he gets well (today he was supposed to find out if he was accepted to a clinical trials study). I just haven't been the same since this summer. If I get the hospital job, I will likely take it as it is a great position and I really liked the manager. Right now, I just need a big hug and someone to assure me that one day I won't feel this sad anymore. I know there is nothing I can do, and if my support is that misunderstood, well, what can I do? Thanks for reading. I am having a very tough day.
Anyway, I'm back from Dallas. My interview went well but I can't have the job bec. the job title doesn't fit with immigration or nafta (long story) I did get another interview while there for a great job at Children's medical center and I will know early next week.
Now the rest...I saw A twice while I was there...he picked me up at the airport and we spent some time together that evening which went very well. Then I made him dinner at the condo I was renting on Monday night. That went well...except, he brought wine. All I could think of was the 3 C's all evening. I drink very little and I felt totally guilty having wine around A. I had about 3 sips of my glass of wine and I couldn't drink it. Well, A did...and the rest of the 1.5 liter bottle. I just kept thinking I can't try to control this but now I am kicking myself for not...
I tried to get him to stay over and not drive yet he insisted he had to get back as he is living at his parent's house. He left just after midnight and the deal was that I would call him at 9 as he was driving me to my interview and then the airport. I couldn't reach him on his cell and tried his parent's house. His dad answered and he was HORRIBLE to me. He said to stay away from A that I am a bad influence on him and that if A and I have a relationship we do not have their blessings (his parents) and that he didn't want me in his car (A has his own so what was that). He said that A doesn't drink when he goes out with other people and that they are his parents and they know what is best for him and all this stuff (he is 36 and so am I). I was so hurt by his dad blaming me and the truthof the matter is that A stayed sober for 3.5 weeks, went to a church singles group, felt depressed, drove to a gas station and bought a bottle of wine and drank it and has drank most days since. He drinks alone and drinks a lot. I told his dad that I rarely drink, and that A drinks because he is an A not because of me. I think it hurts so much because I have tried to support and encourage A to recover and sent him e-mails with encouragement and sent him a recovery bible and have said prayers for his recovery. And then his dad accused me of the opposite motive! I have not heard from A since and it makes me sad to think his parents have that much power over him. We had no relationship expectations of this visit, just hung out and watched a movie and talked. I feel like this whole experience since the summer with A has changed me in that I will always feel a little sad where before i was a happy person. When I stand back and logically look at this whole situation, I think it is so insane. Here is a 36 year old professional man who is drinking way too much and too often and is controlled by his 76 year old dad. I still care very much about him and hope he gets well (today he was supposed to find out if he was accepted to a clinical trials study). I just haven't been the same since this summer. If I get the hospital job, I will likely take it as it is a great position and I really liked the manager. Right now, I just need a big hug and someone to assure me that one day I won't feel this sad anymore. I know there is nothing I can do, and if my support is that misunderstood, well, what can I do? Thanks for reading. I am having a very tough day.
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Posts: n/a
Hi Boo,
Sending hugs and prayers your way...
The one thing that I would say that you can do is to get to some al-anon meetings,tonight if you can....Alcoholism is a disease and his parents are not ready to accept yet that this is why their son drinks,NOT because of another person. We carry enough of our own unearned guilt around without needing more dumped on us,so please try and remember they are blaming you from a place of their own pain and frustration about their son's behaviour and not because you have done ANYTHING wrong,because you have'nt.
Take care...do some al-anon reading and some journaling if you can and get to a meeting. I'll be thinking of you.
Take care,Vampy
Sending hugs and prayers your way...
The one thing that I would say that you can do is to get to some al-anon meetings,tonight if you can....Alcoholism is a disease and his parents are not ready to accept yet that this is why their son drinks,NOT because of another person. We carry enough of our own unearned guilt around without needing more dumped on us,so please try and remember they are blaming you from a place of their own pain and frustration about their son's behaviour and not because you have done ANYTHING wrong,because you have'nt.
Take care...do some al-anon reading and some journaling if you can and get to a meeting. I'll be thinking of you.
Take care,Vampy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
I would just like to add... you are probably being blamed because that's where a certain worm pointed his slimy tentacles when he got caught coming in drunk.
((( Boo! ))) This guy is your bottle of wine. He's not gonna put his down. Are you? He could do something about the sadness of his situation if he would. The same is true for you. It's up to you to stop feeling sad. You can.
Hugs,
Smoke
((( Boo! ))) This guy is your bottle of wine. He's not gonna put his down. Are you? He could do something about the sadness of his situation if he would. The same is true for you. It's up to you to stop feeling sad. You can.
Hugs,
Smoke
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
((((((((((Boo))))))))))
Can you imagine having his parents for your in-laws???
And if A is the one who blamed you for his drinking, what is THAT all about?
Maybe it was good that you saw him so you could see for yourself what a relationship with him would really be like. Things went very poorly and you were only there a couple of days. You don't need the heartache. Save yourself and let go of him. You can be his friend, but anything more than that would surely cause you a lot more pain and stress.
Take care,
JG
Can you imagine having his parents for your in-laws???
And if A is the one who blamed you for his drinking, what is THAT all about? Maybe it was good that you saw him so you could see for yourself what a relationship with him would really be like. Things went very poorly and you were only there a couple of days. You don't need the heartache. Save yourself and let go of him. You can be his friend, but anything more than that would surely cause you a lot more pain and stress.
Take care,
JG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
((((((((Boo))))))))
In AA we define insanity as doing the same thing over and over,expecting different results.For me that extended far beyond drinking.It infiltrated every area of my life.It has been especially pervasive when it come to my relationships.
Would it surprise you to know that I had a disastrous marriage to a man who'd been sober for 11 years? I had quite a few years myself at that time.He'd been married 4 times before me.And engaged several times as well.I really think he was addicted to marriage....to the process of getting married.
The marriage lasted less than a year.The failure was as much my fault as his.I had been sober a long time,but I had not learned how to build a healthy relationship.I had not even learned how to disentangle myself from an unhealthy one.
The number one lesson from this,that I'd like you to consider is as follows:
I completely ignored all the red flags.I had numerous doubts about the wisdom of marrying a man with his history.I had doubts about my own feelings and motives.I had the gut instinct that I was making a big mistake.But all I focused on was the one or two reasons to follow through with the marriage.
I had a sharp intuition and I ignored it totally,and I paid dearly for it!!!
Boo..you have instinct and intuition.You see the red flags.Please pay attention.
Hugs
phoenix
In AA we define insanity as doing the same thing over and over,expecting different results.For me that extended far beyond drinking.It infiltrated every area of my life.It has been especially pervasive when it come to my relationships.
Would it surprise you to know that I had a disastrous marriage to a man who'd been sober for 11 years? I had quite a few years myself at that time.He'd been married 4 times before me.And engaged several times as well.I really think he was addicted to marriage....to the process of getting married.
The marriage lasted less than a year.The failure was as much my fault as his.I had been sober a long time,but I had not learned how to build a healthy relationship.I had not even learned how to disentangle myself from an unhealthy one.
The number one lesson from this,that I'd like you to consider is as follows:
I completely ignored all the red flags.I had numerous doubts about the wisdom of marrying a man with his history.I had doubts about my own feelings and motives.I had the gut instinct that I was making a big mistake.But all I focused on was the one or two reasons to follow through with the marriage.
I had a sharp intuition and I ignored it totally,and I paid dearly for it!!!
Boo..you have instinct and intuition.You see the red flags.Please pay attention.
Hugs
phoenix
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Boo=======You asked for a hug...
Everyone ahead of me has sent you hugs by way of truth truthful suggestions....that more than likely have worked for them or that they have seen changed someone else's life dramagicticly(?)....
This too shally pass!
FOLLOW THE RED FLAGS......YOUR SERENITY DEPENDS ON IT.
love and prayers from one who cares
Everyone ahead of me has sent you hugs by way of truth truthful suggestions....that more than likely have worked for them or that they have seen changed someone else's life dramagicticly(?)....
This too shally pass!
FOLLOW THE RED FLAGS......YOUR SERENITY DEPENDS ON IT.
love and prayers from one who cares
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
Wow, sounds like his family needs some help - blaming you is their way of making excuses - everyone is still deep in the game. This guy is not ready for a real relationship, only a sick one. I like what smoke said - he can't give it up, can you?
Sorry you were disappointed.
Sorry you were disappointed.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: outta my mind
Posts: 43
(((((Boo))))))
I know this hurts, I know how it is making you feel to think that his parents were accusing you of something, but that is his parents problem, not yours. Dont beat yourself up over it.
And as far as you sending emails and all with encouragement, that is great. If you are doing it sincerely. If you are doing it because you want him to like you, want his parents to like you, somehow want approval for being supportive, then you will continue to be disappointed.
I have to agree with the others in saying let it go. I could be wrong but I think you will continually be disappointed and sad being involved with this person.
And what a jackass, telling his parents you are the reason he got drunk.
You said it yourself, this is a 36 year old man, he should act like one and not blame someone else for something he did.
Good Luck Boo.
I know this hurts, I know how it is making you feel to think that his parents were accusing you of something, but that is his parents problem, not yours. Dont beat yourself up over it.
And as far as you sending emails and all with encouragement, that is great. If you are doing it sincerely. If you are doing it because you want him to like you, want his parents to like you, somehow want approval for being supportive, then you will continue to be disappointed.
I have to agree with the others in saying let it go. I could be wrong but I think you will continually be disappointed and sad being involved with this person.
And what a jackass, telling his parents you are the reason he got drunk.
You said it yourself, this is a 36 year old man, he should act like one and not blame someone else for something he did.
Good Luck Boo.
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