Never Posted Here Before...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
Never Posted Here Before...
I'm usually on the F&F of Alcoholics page. But I felt the need to vent here as it seems most appropriate. I am 21 years old, and a very angry young woman. My father's drinking has always bothered me, but it has come to a head these past few months as it is getting worse and worse. My resentment for him reached an all time high, when he went on a 3-day drinking binge with my now XABF and refused to kick him out of our house for those 3 days. I stayed with a friend, while my father and him drank into oblivion, went to bars and talked smack on me, and got XABF some new girl's numbers.
I live with both of my parents, and am a new mother not currently employed. My father is also unemployed, so while my mother is at work we are alone together all day with my baby. Ever since I was little I have felt that while I love him, I guess out of pity and obligation, I feel like I absolutely hate him too. I cannot remember most of my childhood, just the bad parts, and even then not so much details rather an overall awful feeling. I do not remember seeing my dad drink, but now that I am older I know he was. I thought the yelling, hitting, emotional abuse was just who dad was. I feel ripped from my childhood, I am angry because I feel like I never got a chance to develop any self esteem, so now I don't know how to make it appear out of thin air. I am angry because I have never had a father who was supportive, or who told me he loved me. He calls me names like a child all the time. I have never been called an idiot more times in my life than I have from him. When we fight sometimes and I leave with my daughter he tells me he hopes I will get hit by a truck. What kind of man says that to his own flesh and blood? I guess I don't need to go over every small detail, but he is just an awful mean example of a father. And of course is in complete denial of him having any involvement with how disfunctional I feel now as an "adult." I put adult in quotations because when he triggers me, I feel no more mature than a 12 year old. All of the past agression to the current runs through me and I want to scream and bang my fists and tell him I hate him. He says "the kids always blame their parents." That's his excuse. To him I am nothing more than another whiny child.
My mother was always my savior. She worked all the time to avoid him, and let him raise my brother and I. But, when she was home she was angel, giving us whatever we wanted, taking us on field trips. Now I see it as her compensating for her lack of actual time spent with us, and equating it with gifts. I now realize that I am more resentful towards her than I ever could imagine. I am so mad that she never divorced him, that she put us through that, while she worked all day she left us in the care of an active alcoholic. I would never do that to my daughter. And to this day she still doesn't see the gravity of it. Any time I rage, or cry, she says I think we have it good here. We have food and a roof over our heads. She says she made vows for a reason, and that it is wrong to break them. She doesn't care that she'll never be happy, that I'll never be happy, that my dad will continue to drink until he probably dies from it. I feel like she minimizes my pain constantly, and it pisses me off more than I can ever explain. I am just so full of anger, I need anger management I guess. I cannot wait to be able to move out of this house and not have to talk to my father for a very long time. I am so sick of everything and I feel like I am going to hang onto this resentment for them forever. Sorry for making SUCH a long post, and if you read this far you get a cookie. Thank you.
I live with both of my parents, and am a new mother not currently employed. My father is also unemployed, so while my mother is at work we are alone together all day with my baby. Ever since I was little I have felt that while I love him, I guess out of pity and obligation, I feel like I absolutely hate him too. I cannot remember most of my childhood, just the bad parts, and even then not so much details rather an overall awful feeling. I do not remember seeing my dad drink, but now that I am older I know he was. I thought the yelling, hitting, emotional abuse was just who dad was. I feel ripped from my childhood, I am angry because I feel like I never got a chance to develop any self esteem, so now I don't know how to make it appear out of thin air. I am angry because I have never had a father who was supportive, or who told me he loved me. He calls me names like a child all the time. I have never been called an idiot more times in my life than I have from him. When we fight sometimes and I leave with my daughter he tells me he hopes I will get hit by a truck. What kind of man says that to his own flesh and blood? I guess I don't need to go over every small detail, but he is just an awful mean example of a father. And of course is in complete denial of him having any involvement with how disfunctional I feel now as an "adult." I put adult in quotations because when he triggers me, I feel no more mature than a 12 year old. All of the past agression to the current runs through me and I want to scream and bang my fists and tell him I hate him. He says "the kids always blame their parents." That's his excuse. To him I am nothing more than another whiny child.
My mother was always my savior. She worked all the time to avoid him, and let him raise my brother and I. But, when she was home she was angel, giving us whatever we wanted, taking us on field trips. Now I see it as her compensating for her lack of actual time spent with us, and equating it with gifts. I now realize that I am more resentful towards her than I ever could imagine. I am so mad that she never divorced him, that she put us through that, while she worked all day she left us in the care of an active alcoholic. I would never do that to my daughter. And to this day she still doesn't see the gravity of it. Any time I rage, or cry, she says I think we have it good here. We have food and a roof over our heads. She says she made vows for a reason, and that it is wrong to break them. She doesn't care that she'll never be happy, that I'll never be happy, that my dad will continue to drink until he probably dies from it. I feel like she minimizes my pain constantly, and it pisses me off more than I can ever explain. I am just so full of anger, I need anger management I guess. I cannot wait to be able to move out of this house and not have to talk to my father for a very long time. I am so sick of everything and I feel like I am going to hang onto this resentment for them forever. Sorry for making SUCH a long post, and if you read this far you get a cookie. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 4
Hi Honey...your feelings of anger are common. I'm a member of alanon- for someone who has a loved one who is alcoholic. It is pretty common for the children of alkies to be even angrier at the non-drinking parent than the drinker. Your family situation as you describe is also common. It is also common for the non-alcoholic parent to wish greatly that there children realize that they "did what they could with what they have" and made mistakes...alanon members eventually come to the point where they do feel guilt themselves. My suggestion to you hon, is to go to XA.org the lights are on...and listen to alanon speaker tapes...there you will hear YOUR story and may get help. A common feeling we have is that "If they loved us"...no -one would choose to drink alcoholically. For your sake, I hope you find alanon...and listen to XA alanon tapes...they will greatly help you make your situation at home more bearable for both you, your daughter and your parents. best wishes, Lee
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
I thought the yelling, hitting, emotional abuse was just who dad was. I feel ripped from my childhood, I am angry because I feel like I never got a chance to develop any self esteem, so now I don't know how to make it appear out of thin air.
My parents didn't drink but they were adult children of alcoholics, so I went through a lot of the same things. That quote I put at the top from your post made me well up a little bit because I know exactly how that feels.
Al-Anon is a great suggestion -- I'm 2 months into the program, and it gives me a lot of hope and good tools for rebuilding that self-esteem that gets trampled on when living with abusive people. You also said in your post that you felt like maybe you didn't need to go into every single detail. . . I used to feel that way too. Like it was somehow being indulgent of me to remember all the incredibly hurtful episodes I had with my parents.
Through therapy and working in Al-anon, I'm coming to believe that this is not true. I have the right to my feelings, to all my anger and sadness. Just last night I found myself crying in the bathroom over something that happened when I was 15 (I'm now 30). Anyway, I felt a little bit silly, but I just let myself feel it. The pain of being abused is so traumatic.
You didn't deserve this. You deserved love from your parents. So many people here understand how you feel and how much it hurts. Keep feeling your feelings and getting conscious to how you can change so that all that latent anger and hurt doesn't find its way into an abusive relationship with your own children. I know you would never want that to happen, but without recovery, that is usually what happens time and again. I have always told myself I would never hit my children. . . but then as I looked at the way I fought with the people I loved the most (my boyfriend, my siblings) and the emotional abuse that I was so adept at leveling. . . I realized I was just steps away from doing the same to a child and perhaps even giving them a smack if I felt like it.
My dad grew up with a raging and physically abusive alcoholic father. My mother grew up with a very strict, yet highly functioning narcissistic alcoholic father. My parents drank very little (maybe half a beer once in a while)- my dad was so concerned about becoming an alcoholic. What he didn't recognize was that he needed to be concerned about the other behaviors he learned from his alcoholic father besides drinking. . . both my parents raged, berated, and hit me and my brothers. It's a vicious cycle that needs to be arrested in order for the next generation to be healthy. Abuse doesn't just "go away."
Lots of love to you. I know it hurts a lot, but there is light at the end of the tunnel if we have the courage to change. Al-Anon will help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
Yes you've touched on one of my biggest fears. I am terrified that I won't be a good enough mother for my daughter. I feel like I have no business being a mother because I have so many issues of my own. I feel like an adult child in the most literal sense of the words. I am looked upon in society as an adult, but on the inside I feel very much like a child. Full of anger, fear, sadness, guilt, and the need to get things to always go my way. I cannot function well in relationships and always end up chosing another addict as a partner. After having my daughter I realized I could not be in relationships like that, and submit her to that chaos, so I broke it off with my XABF.
I just don't know how I am ever going to heal from this. I do not like the person that I am right now. My father and I fight every day, and he told me today that he's "quitting quitting." Which means that he is now not going to even try to count the days in between drinking. He said I mind as well move out because he's not ever going to quit. I told him that once I can move out that I am going to sever all contact. He said as long as he can see my daughter he doesn't care about seeing me. Little does he know that he will not be seeing her either. He then tried to blame-shift, and tell me that I hang out with drunks, and that I smoke cigarettes which negatively affect my daughter's health, and that 3/4 of the world are alcoholics so why should he quit? First of all, I NEVER smoke around my daughter. I always smoke outside and wash my hands when I come back in.
I wrote an email to my mother today, because it's easier for me to express myself in writing, just trying to explain to her how much anger I have and how much it upsets me that she minimizes the problems in our house. I am sure it will fall on deaf ears because I finally realize how deep in denial she is of the entire situation. But I made my position clear that our relationship will be very different once I no longer live in this house. I am going to have to put going to school aside. I was going to start in March, and it was going to be 40 hours a week because it was an 18 month program to become a veterinary technician. That meant there would be no way I could work enough hours to have my own place, and would have to stay here for those 18 months. As the days go by I realize that there is no way I can keep myself together enough to live here for that much longer.
Today is my dad's birthday, and I heard him talking to my brother who is 18 and in college on the phone. They tell each other they love each other and it makes me angry and is just so strange to me. It seems like my brother and I have completely different fathers because my brother denies the abuse I went through, denies how bad my dad's problem is and basically calls me a baby and gets mad at me for feeling the way I do. My father has always treated my brother with more kindness. I just don't get it. I cannot wait to get out of this house and away from this mess, but I know the mess inside me needs cleaning up. I don't want to be full of anger and self-pity anymore. I know this can be fixed but it all seems so far out of my grasp and so unattainable.
I just don't know how I am ever going to heal from this. I do not like the person that I am right now. My father and I fight every day, and he told me today that he's "quitting quitting." Which means that he is now not going to even try to count the days in between drinking. He said I mind as well move out because he's not ever going to quit. I told him that once I can move out that I am going to sever all contact. He said as long as he can see my daughter he doesn't care about seeing me. Little does he know that he will not be seeing her either. He then tried to blame-shift, and tell me that I hang out with drunks, and that I smoke cigarettes which negatively affect my daughter's health, and that 3/4 of the world are alcoholics so why should he quit? First of all, I NEVER smoke around my daughter. I always smoke outside and wash my hands when I come back in.
I wrote an email to my mother today, because it's easier for me to express myself in writing, just trying to explain to her how much anger I have and how much it upsets me that she minimizes the problems in our house. I am sure it will fall on deaf ears because I finally realize how deep in denial she is of the entire situation. But I made my position clear that our relationship will be very different once I no longer live in this house. I am going to have to put going to school aside. I was going to start in March, and it was going to be 40 hours a week because it was an 18 month program to become a veterinary technician. That meant there would be no way I could work enough hours to have my own place, and would have to stay here for those 18 months. As the days go by I realize that there is no way I can keep myself together enough to live here for that much longer.
Today is my dad's birthday, and I heard him talking to my brother who is 18 and in college on the phone. They tell each other they love each other and it makes me angry and is just so strange to me. It seems like my brother and I have completely different fathers because my brother denies the abuse I went through, denies how bad my dad's problem is and basically calls me a baby and gets mad at me for feeling the way I do. My father has always treated my brother with more kindness. I just don't get it. I cannot wait to get out of this house and away from this mess, but I know the mess inside me needs cleaning up. I don't want to be full of anger and self-pity anymore. I know this can be fixed but it all seems so far out of my grasp and so unattainable.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I really hope you find some face to face support!
What an ugly situation to be in!
Hopefully you can also find assistance and a plan to move out.
I don't know anyone who could live in that environment and not get shredded.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
What an ugly situation to be in!
Hopefully you can also find assistance and a plan to move out.
I don't know anyone who could live in that environment and not get shredded.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
Thank you, I hope I can get out soon. I am feeling guilt now because my mother got home and I raged at her. She seems so suprised every time she hears that my dad and I fought. "Oh, you got into another fight today?" "You are both intelligent people, why can't you just avoid it, or walk away from each other?" Once she starts comparing him to a normal, rational, INTELLIGENT person I get pissed. It's not a matter of intelligence with him. She is just so ignorant and I love her so much, I feel sorry for her because she is so lost and helpless, but she infuriates me when she minimizes. I yelled so loud throughout the entire house. I don't like when I behave this way but these triggers are everywhere. I need help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
There should be a free mental health clinic in your area.
Give them a call.
Getting hooked up with counseling and a sane person to discuss things with and bounce things off of are huge helps!
Also they are often aware of other programs that you might not be.
Shoot, with that man's verbal abuse....it would benefit you to phone domestic violence to get someone free to help.
That was the best counseling I ever got...and I have paid a few big prices to the private ones.
I just can't see this getting any better without significant change...and your folks are not going to change, so that leaves it to you to get help to have a better life for yourself and your daughter.
Give them a call.
Getting hooked up with counseling and a sane person to discuss things with and bounce things off of are huge helps!
Also they are often aware of other programs that you might not be.
Shoot, with that man's verbal abuse....it would benefit you to phone domestic violence to get someone free to help.
That was the best counseling I ever got...and I have paid a few big prices to the private ones.
I just can't see this getting any better without significant change...and your folks are not going to change, so that leaves it to you to get help to have a better life for yourself and your daughter.
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