SoloMio

I am now at the point where I have to make a plan--how do AH and I part? Here is the situation and the options:

1. We have lived in the same house for 25 years. There are two mortgages on it, plus a business loan is attached to it. Six years ago before he relapsed we owed one third of what we own now--but stupid me kept cosigining for his business which took a nose dive when when he started drinking again--now he can't pay the HEL or his business loan. I pay, not because I want to enable, but because I don't want my credit trashed. To be honest, I no longer care about my credit, although I still care about losing the house.
2. His brother lives next door--his mother did too, until she died this summer. I feel now a little more free to bail because I won't be abandoning her, too.
3. Her mother has left him some real estate (half of the house my BIL lives in plus some cash). This only factors in because while I don't care about sticking around to get the money, I do care about getting back the money I fronted to get MIL/BIL living next door (about 40k). Plus, to be honest, it makes me a little more comfortable that he would have the means to pay the business loans, although it would break my heart to think that his dear departed mother is STILL bailing him out for his drinking from her grave.
4. If I leave--I could rent in a town that I love--one other year I got a winter rental in this same beach community because I needed a place to escape the drinking. It costs about the same amount (maybe less) than the business loans that I am already paying for. I could just NOT pay his bills and get the house. But then I risk losing my house and all the equity in it because unless he does rely on the inheritance, he has no money to pay those bills.
5. If I ask HIM to leave, he would probably move next door with his brother. Not far enough, obviously.
6. I am planning on visiting a lawyer and a counselor this week. If he SAYS he's going to stop drinking I want to demand that he gets help, inpatient or outpatient, we jointly see a counselor, plus he sees his own, and we stay apart until June 2011. (If I stay at this temporary beach rental, that's the cheap winter season. If he complies, I won't have to break a lease; if he doesn't, I just find a permanent situation--including kicking him out and moving back to my own home.

Any thoughts? Me leave or him leave? Pay his bills or or don't pay them so I can afford a place, and leave my permanent home in the balance?

What have you guys done? What works the best?

Pelican

The path that gives you peace, is my recommendation.

After consulting a lawyer, your path may become clearer.

I was married 14 years.
I was ready to walk away from most of the stuff.
I consulted an attorney to see what my legal rights were according to our state. We have a child together under the age of 18. We had large credit card debt. Most of which was in my name - some without my consent. The home we shared was deeded in his name, mortgaged in his name, second mortgaged in his name. However, the downpayment was from my inheritance when my mother died.

I was working at a dead-end position (no room for advancement).
I was miserable.
I was trying to secure a job 5 hours away.
I wanted to get out before the ship sank (drowning in debt and he was still drinking and getting behind the wheel).

So many choices. I was overwhelmed. I called an Alanon member one day and started crying into the phone. She listened to my crying. I told her all the options I saw and how confused I was. This was her advise:

"You have a lot to consider. You don't have to make a decision by 3 p.m. today, do you?"

I did not.
I put all those choices aside and stayed in the present moment.
Later in the week, I was offered a promotion in a nice community 2 hours away.
My lawyer had explained my options.
I was able to make my plan.

I am confident you will find your path.
Be patient, more will be revealed.

nodaybut2day

Though my opinion may be coloured by the fact that my XAH was abusive, I'd say reconsider giving up material things in order to get your freedom from your AH. Because he would most likely move next door, your house would never become the haven you need.

I guess you'll have a clearer picture of the situation after you see a lawyer...I'd ask the lawyer for many different scenarios and what they entail.

SoloMio

Pelican, thanks for sharing your hopeful story--especially how God opened a window for you with the new job two hours away.

I have been looking at my financial picture, and it's pretty solid for this quarter--I can pay all bills through December even if I get no more work (I'm a freelance consultant).

Then today, I heard I got another project, which should wind up being enough for my winter's retreat if I go that route, plus yesterday someone else asked about my availability in December. Rather than pay down debt with it, maybe I'll start stashing it.

dollydo

A friend of mine got involved with a guy that took her to the cleaners. Not a drinker or drugger just a con man. Anyhoo, she filed bankruptcy, still held onto her house that he started alot of repairs on and never completed before he took off. The house was falling apart around her. She was paying $1,100 a month mortgage, her house couldn't be sold for 1/4 of what she owed on it. She asked me what I would do?

I said, let the house go into forclosure, she did, saved the $1,100 per month...it took 11 months for the forclosure to go through. She moved out, her brother bought her a house in his name, she pays the mortgage payment and put the downpayment from the $12,000 she had saved during the foreclosure process. She is so happy to have left the home she was trying to save.

Last week, the house was torn down, It was only 15 years old, 4,000 square feet, totally delapidated.

She says my advice saved her life, she was stressed to the max and her health was declining at a rapid rate, all because of the four walls that were keeping her a prisoner.

I am so happy for her, she is renewed!

lillamy

Get. A. Lawyer.

That's the only advice I can give you.

I had started putting plans in place for how I was going to leave and when. And then events conspired against me in such a way that I ended up leaving at 11 pm at night with only my kids, my purse, and the clothes on my body.

And it still worked out.

For me, the exercise of "how am I going to handle everything?" was useful because it prepared my mind for leaving. But it was also a way for me to put off leaving because, you know, my plan wasn't ready yet...

When you've had enough, and only you know when that is, you will leave. And the details will just have to fall into place as time passes.