Screaming Fits!
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Screaming Fits!
I have just lost it and had a huge screaming fit with my AH. I even hurt my hand slamming it on the marble counter! I had a quiet speach all sorted in my head but ended up screaming at him, getting it all out. I can stop shaking and crying and I am struggling to type. I knew it was going to end this way which is why I havent bothered to speak to him for over a week now and of course he was blame shifting saying that he has had enough of me, my obsessing, reading books etc.
The argument was about his lack of respect and visiting porn sites and now hes finished the argument by telling me that he has had enough of me and wants out. I am so disappointed with myself for loosing control.
The argument was about his lack of respect and visiting porn sites and now hes finished the argument by telling me that he has had enough of me and wants out. I am so disappointed with myself for loosing control.
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Been there, done that: I've been known to go into screaming uncontrolable harriden mode; my screen-name when I got here was Ceridwen, a rageful, vengeful, powerful crone/Sorceress from Welsh Mythology. It was very apt, except for the power, I felt the rage was the only power I had, the only honest emotion.
I rage less now, rarely in fact, some because I have learned to deal with my anger (and sadness and fear that I used to transform into anger to stop myself from turning it all inwards). But honestly, mostly, I rage less because I don't put myself in situations so much that plie on hurt and sadness and anger and fear.
My carefully thought out speaches and quiet talks often escalated into slanging matches. In the end I realised that for my situation, between stbxAH and me, there was just no way to communicate effectively, no matter what books I read, or approaches I tried, it always degenerated, and was wholly ineffective. I had bought into the pop-psychology myth that all relationship problems can be overcome by good communication and compromise, when in fact, they can't, especially if only one of you is "with-it" enough to engage properly and trying it over and over again was pointless.
You recognise that you didn't handle the situation as well as you could have hoped, forgive yourself for losing control, might seem like an odd suggestion, but spend some time being truely loving towards yourself, you are hurt, castigating yourself for not reacting "correctly" or reacting at all, won't change the past, or make it less likely to happen again.
I rage less now, rarely in fact, some because I have learned to deal with my anger (and sadness and fear that I used to transform into anger to stop myself from turning it all inwards). But honestly, mostly, I rage less because I don't put myself in situations so much that plie on hurt and sadness and anger and fear.
My carefully thought out speaches and quiet talks often escalated into slanging matches. In the end I realised that for my situation, between stbxAH and me, there was just no way to communicate effectively, no matter what books I read, or approaches I tried, it always degenerated, and was wholly ineffective. I had bought into the pop-psychology myth that all relationship problems can be overcome by good communication and compromise, when in fact, they can't, especially if only one of you is "with-it" enough to engage properly and trying it over and over again was pointless.
You recognise that you didn't handle the situation as well as you could have hoped, forgive yourself for losing control, might seem like an odd suggestion, but spend some time being truely loving towards yourself, you are hurt, castigating yourself for not reacting "correctly" or reacting at all, won't change the past, or make it less likely to happen again.
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I was exactly the same as Jen. I have never known rage like it - screaming fits happened at least a couple of times a month. Of course I now realise that AH probably liked it that way because then he could point at me and observe how crazy I was acting rather than look at himself to see what was making me act that crazy. He probably manipulated things to turn out that way.
Since I separated from him I have not felt any rage at all - not once. I had a day where I felt angry but it was just a physically angry feeling and I didn't do anything with it.
I have forgiven myself for all the bad things I did in response to his behaviour and I am working on fixing me now, or rather, fixing all the damage that living with him caused in me!
Since I separated from him I have not felt any rage at all - not once. I had a day where I felt angry but it was just a physically angry feeling and I didn't do anything with it.
I have forgiven myself for all the bad things I did in response to his behaviour and I am working on fixing me now, or rather, fixing all the damage that living with him caused in me!
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I am back now, went for a nice bath to calm down. Just very tearful and a huge knot in my stomach.
I think this was rage too and was only the second time in 22 years of marriage and the worst one. I have purple bruises on my hands and fingers from slamming them down on the counter. Even though I am upset now and tearful, I still feel as though I could land a punch, smack on his smug face and Im not even the violent type and thats scary.
I had got to the stage where I am tired of his drinking and then I found out he has been smoking behind my back and visiting porn sites. What made me sad was that I couldnt even discuss this with him as I knew that he would blame shift it to me, as he has done countless times in the past. It was because of his porn and not being able to discuss my feelings about that with him that I finally decided that enough was enough and the marriage was over, it had become unsalvegable.
Sure enough tonight, during my rage, he has managed to blame me for his porn site visits because I started sleeping in the spare room a couple of weeks ago and blaming me for finding out about it. He has blamed me for the marriage failing because I bought self help books on alcoholism and obsessed about it. He ended up by mocking me which is when I took off to take a bath. There reallly is no chicken and egg with these alcohlics is there. He has taken none of the responsibility and can now add 'married to a mad woman' to his list against me.
I think this rage came from bottling up all my emotions and feelings, allowing someone to treat me and the marriage I have spent 22 years trying to work at, like crap, he has no respect at all. I need to seperate from him now and find some peace and I am working hard to do this.
I think this was rage too and was only the second time in 22 years of marriage and the worst one. I have purple bruises on my hands and fingers from slamming them down on the counter. Even though I am upset now and tearful, I still feel as though I could land a punch, smack on his smug face and Im not even the violent type and thats scary.
I had got to the stage where I am tired of his drinking and then I found out he has been smoking behind my back and visiting porn sites. What made me sad was that I couldnt even discuss this with him as I knew that he would blame shift it to me, as he has done countless times in the past. It was because of his porn and not being able to discuss my feelings about that with him that I finally decided that enough was enough and the marriage was over, it had become unsalvegable.
Sure enough tonight, during my rage, he has managed to blame me for his porn site visits because I started sleeping in the spare room a couple of weeks ago and blaming me for finding out about it. He has blamed me for the marriage failing because I bought self help books on alcoholism and obsessed about it. He ended up by mocking me which is when I took off to take a bath. There reallly is no chicken and egg with these alcohlics is there. He has taken none of the responsibility and can now add 'married to a mad woman' to his list against me.
I think this rage came from bottling up all my emotions and feelings, allowing someone to treat me and the marriage I have spent 22 years trying to work at, like crap, he has no respect at all. I need to seperate from him now and find some peace and I am working hard to do this.
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Yes - I can well believe it.
My AH blames me for our marriage failing too - apparantly I just over reacted and have hit the menopause early! Apparantly I also brainwashed myself against him...don't bother trying to figure that one out! lol As I gently pointed out to him - I would rather be brainwashed by myself than someone else.
Don't worry about the rage and don't give yourself a hard time about it. If you only blew a gasket after all that time you are a more patient person than I am. I blew a gasket at least a couple of times a month! When I was living with him it was hard - living with myself while living with him...that was even harder.
My AH blames me for our marriage failing too - apparantly I just over reacted and have hit the menopause early! Apparantly I also brainwashed myself against him...don't bother trying to figure that one out! lol As I gently pointed out to him - I would rather be brainwashed by myself than someone else.
Don't worry about the rage and don't give yourself a hard time about it. If you only blew a gasket after all that time you are a more patient person than I am. I blew a gasket at least a couple of times a month! When I was living with him it was hard - living with myself while living with him...that was even harder.
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*hugs*
I remember what it's like to feel CRAZY with rage. XAH used to elicit the strongest emotions in me, sometimes I wondered who I'd become. The sound of my own voice still rings somewhere in my mind and it's chilling.
I lost it very early on in my relationship with XAH. I can't imagine the frustration and anger you must feel after 22 years of marriage!
Of course you are to blame for his porn addiction...God forbid he ever point the finger at himself!
I went through the exact same thing with my XAH. I was actually sleeping in another bedroom because he SNORED so loud (it didn't occur to me that he was asleep, drunk), and I already got NO sleep from nursing my daughter all night. I believe XAH even blamed me for cheating on him, because "What's a man to do when he isn't getting any at home??" (Nevermind that he drank and smoked all the time, and virtually *never* showered....imagine the odors that emanted from him "down here"...ugh).
The toughest thing I had to swallow with XAH was the fact that he would NEVER. EVER. take responsibility for his actions. He was a perpetual victim. ALL the women in the world were out to get him. They were ALL b*tches/wh*res, unfaithful, immoral, nagging, controlling...His parents were also to blame. And the rest of society just never gave him a chance, poor dear, so he was virtually FORCED to drink down his sorrows.
Ok, I'll stop now. You get the drift.
My validation comes from me. I know what I saw. I know what I lived. And I know I got out with my daughter before he could eat us both alive.
I know you'll be able to find that validation for yourself.
I remember what it's like to feel CRAZY with rage. XAH used to elicit the strongest emotions in me, sometimes I wondered who I'd become. The sound of my own voice still rings somewhere in my mind and it's chilling.
I lost it very early on in my relationship with XAH. I can't imagine the frustration and anger you must feel after 22 years of marriage!
Originally Posted by yesbutnobut 
he has managed to blame me for his porn site visits because I started sleeping in the spare room a couple of weeks ago and blaming me for finding out about it.
I went through the exact same thing with my XAH. I was actually sleeping in another bedroom because he SNORED so loud (it didn't occur to me that he was asleep, drunk), and I already got NO sleep from nursing my daughter all night. I believe XAH even blamed me for cheating on him, because "What's a man to do when he isn't getting any at home??" (Nevermind that he drank and smoked all the time, and virtually *never* showered....imagine the odors that emanted from him "down here"...ugh).
Originally Posted by yesbutnobut
He has taken none of the responsibility and can now add 'married to a mad woman' to his list against me.
Ok, I'll stop now. You get the drift.
My validation comes from me. I know what I saw. I know what I lived. And I know I got out with my daughter before he could eat us both alive.
I know you'll be able to find that validation for yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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I too have suffered this "rage", worst case's of it being locking her in the house and screaming at her till she listens to me. The very worst case I chased her into the street and I got run over by a car, she didn't even look back.
In all the cases I would calm down end up apologising to her and explaining where my rage had come from, usually frustration.
She would seem to take the chat in all nodding smiles and sweetness, then as soon as my back was turned the reasons for my "rage" were forgotten and it was just the "rage" that was remembered. Then i was in the doghouse and she had control again.
I don't do "rage" anymore in any aspects of my life, count to 10 seems to work for me.
In all the cases I would calm down end up apologising to her and explaining where my rage had come from, usually frustration.
She would seem to take the chat in all nodding smiles and sweetness, then as soon as my back was turned the reasons for my "rage" were forgotten and it was just the "rage" that was remembered. Then i was in the doghouse and she had control again.
I don't do "rage" anymore in any aspects of my life, count to 10 seems to work for me.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((YBNB))
As others have shared, your situation sounds like a home very much affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
That is how my home use to be also. I too was struck with the reality of what I was becoming because of how I was allow this disease and his actions to affect me.
I couldn't change any of his behaviors BUT I could change my reactions.
I deserved that self-respect and dignity.
I still allowed myself to feel the emotions (anger, fear, disbelief, disgust, and yes even sometimes HATE) but what I did allow myself was the tools of recovery to handle it with Grace and Poise. I DESERVED THAT - my daughters in my home deserved to see me behave that way.
This way - when the disease caused the A to try to push all the guilt, blame and fault on my actions - I knew none of it was my fault - My actions had nothing to do with his behaviors.
In the end, when it was healthiest for me to walk away - I could walk away without needing to make any amends - I had treated us both with dignity and respect.
It wasn't easy at first, it took practice, discpline and lots & lots of God's help & grace - but it happened.
I just kept reminding myself - to make the choice of what type of person I wanted to be and make the decision to BE that person!
PINK HUGS to you,
Rita
As others have shared, your situation sounds like a home very much affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
That is how my home use to be also. I too was struck with the reality of what I was becoming because of how I was allow this disease and his actions to affect me.
I couldn't change any of his behaviors BUT I could change my reactions.
I deserved that self-respect and dignity.
I still allowed myself to feel the emotions (anger, fear, disbelief, disgust, and yes even sometimes HATE) but what I did allow myself was the tools of recovery to handle it with Grace and Poise. I DESERVED THAT - my daughters in my home deserved to see me behave that way.
This way - when the disease caused the A to try to push all the guilt, blame and fault on my actions - I knew none of it was my fault - My actions had nothing to do with his behaviors.
In the end, when it was healthiest for me to walk away - I could walk away without needing to make any amends - I had treated us both with dignity and respect.
It wasn't easy at first, it took practice, discpline and lots & lots of God's help & grace - but it happened.
I just kept reminding myself - to make the choice of what type of person I wanted to be and make the decision to BE that person!
PINK HUGS to you,
Rita
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by freebuthurting
I was exactly the same as Jen. I have never known rage like it - screaming fits happened at least a couple of times a month. Of course I now realise that AH probably liked it that way because then he could point at me and observe how crazy I was acting rather than look at himself to see what was making me act that crazy. He probably manipulated things to turn out that way.
Since I separated from him I have not felt any rage at all - not once. I had a day where I felt angry but it was just a physically angry feeling and I didn't do anything with it.
I have forgiven myself for all the bad things I did in response to his behaviour and I am working on fixing me now, or rather, fixing all the damage that living with him caused in me!
Since I separated from him I have not felt any rage at all - not once. I had a day where I felt angry but it was just a physically angry feeling and I didn't do anything with it.
I have forgiven myself for all the bad things I did in response to his behaviour and I am working on fixing me now, or rather, fixing all the damage that living with him caused in me!
In bold: my group leader and therapist told me the same thing.
I'm working on the things I did to contribute to the unhealthiness and fixing me.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
My worst case of rage for me was one morning, he was being cruel and I just lost it and got up and attacked him physically.
I never touched another human with my hands ever (well once to defend myself again my ex of 11 yrs who came at me).
This thread is causing me a huge trigger, but in a good, construtive way.
It reminds me of how glad I am to be away from the madness, crazy making, accusations and lies. The lies broke me down to nothing!
I never touched another human with my hands ever (well once to defend myself again my ex of 11 yrs who came at me).
This thread is causing me a huge trigger, but in a good, construtive way.
It reminds me of how glad I am to be away from the madness, crazy making, accusations and lies. The lies broke me down to nothing!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I also need to add, as part of my recovery, I can't simply just focus on the negative, like the screaming and lashing out. There were also many, many good areas of the relationship and the people we were outside of the addiction dance.
It's easy to get caught up in the anger when I read threads like this, but it's important not to lose the focus on the whole picture.
He was a good person with TERRIBLE actions and I will always send him good vibes towards healing because I believe he is capable and because his kids deserve it.
It's easy to get caught up in the anger when I read threads like this, but it's important not to lose the focus on the whole picture.
He was a good person with TERRIBLE actions and I will always send him good vibes towards healing because I believe he is capable and because his kids deserve it.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach
My worst case of rage for me was one morning, he was being cruel and I just lost it and got up and attacked him physically.
I never touched another human with my hands ever (well once to defend myself again my ex of 11 yrs who came at me).
This thread is causing me a huge trigger, but in a good, construtive way.
It reminds me of how glad I am to be away from the madness, crazy making, accusations and lies. The lies broke me down to nothing!
I never touched another human with my hands ever (well once to defend myself again my ex of 11 yrs who came at me).
This thread is causing me a huge trigger, but in a good, construtive way.
It reminds me of how glad I am to be away from the madness, crazy making, accusations and lies. The lies broke me down to nothing!
And I could have written this too.
:ghug3
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I think one of the worst things about living with someone with an alcohol problem is the rage you feel towards them. I remember the last time my husband was having a binge, he was lumbering down the stairs one night, with me behind him. I hadn't slept for two days, trying to keep him fed and safe, and I had a major work event the next day. He started carping about what a horrible person I was because I'd given him lukewarm tea. I did a little pantomime of a *shove* at his back. He couldn't see me, I just did it for my own "amusement," but a second later I realized what a weird thing that was to do--I creeped myself out.
I still remember the zing of rage that would go through me during his last few binges. I'd feel streams of adrenaline run from my spine down to the ends of my fingers.
Reading here made me realize that you have to let go, that the rage is only damaging yourself.
Which would be easy to do, if it weren't for the fact that the rage is really a terminal stage of hope--while you're raging at someone, you're still engaged with them, you're trying to understand what the hell is wrong, you're trying to get to something different. Letting go of the rage means giving up on someone. I think that's why we hang on so long.
I think one of the worst things about living with someone with an alcohol problem is the rage you feel towards them. I remember the last time my husband was having a binge, he was lumbering down the stairs one night, with me behind him. I hadn't slept for two days, trying to keep him fed and safe, and I had a major work event the next day. He started carping about what a horrible person I was because I'd given him lukewarm tea. I did a little pantomime of a *shove* at his back. He couldn't see me, I just did it for my own "amusement," but a second later I realized what a weird thing that was to do--I creeped myself out.
I still remember the zing of rage that would go through me during his last few binges. I'd feel streams of adrenaline run from my spine down to the ends of my fingers.
Reading here made me realize that you have to let go, that the rage is only damaging yourself.
Which would be easy to do, if it weren't for the fact that the rage is really a terminal stage of hope--while you're raging at someone, you're still engaged with them, you're trying to understand what the hell is wrong, you're trying to get to something different. Letting go of the rage means giving up on someone. I think that's why we hang on so long.
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from freebuthurting: Of course I now realise that AH probably liked it that way because then he could point at me and observe how crazy I was acting rather than look at himself to see what was making me act that crazy. He probably manipulated things to turn out that way.
This is such a great insight!! This is one of those sneaky ways that we enable. I had to learn this too with my brothers - everytime I argued and raged after some alcohol-related incident I made the whole situation include ME! I prevented another moment when they might have looked at themselves. It was like a veil was lifted when I learned this, when I understood it in my gut - and my attitude changed so much since then! It allowed me to truly understand what enabling is and how it is not always just the kind, soft-landing, helpful things we do - it is staying locked in the insanity with them that continually validates their drinking.
yesbutnobut - we are human and have limits and when we suppress something long enough it will come oozing out or bursting - one way or the other!! Forgive yourself as Jen said - forgive yourself. (((hugs)))
peace-
B
This is such a great insight!! This is one of those sneaky ways that we enable. I had to learn this too with my brothers - everytime I argued and raged after some alcohol-related incident I made the whole situation include ME! I prevented another moment when they might have looked at themselves. It was like a veil was lifted when I learned this, when I understood it in my gut - and my attitude changed so much since then! It allowed me to truly understand what enabling is and how it is not always just the kind, soft-landing, helpful things we do - it is staying locked in the insanity with them that continually validates their drinking.
yesbutnobut - we are human and have limits and when we suppress something long enough it will come oozing out or bursting - one way or the other!! Forgive yourself as Jen said - forgive yourself. (((hugs)))
peace-
B
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from akrasia: Letting go of the rage means giving up on someone. I think that's why we hang on so long.
Does it? Giving up on the person? Or our illusion of who that person is or could be, our attachment to their "potential?"
Since I stripped all the illusions away and got my feet planted firmly in reality, I have not felt like I have given up on my A bros. In fact I am able to love them completely and compassionately for the first time - because I have given up my agendas & my expectations - and I finally accept and love them just as they are 100% - but I haven't given up on them.
peace-
B
Does it? Giving up on the person? Or our illusion of who that person is or could be, our attachment to their "potential?"
Since I stripped all the illusions away and got my feet planted firmly in reality, I have not felt like I have given up on my A bros. In fact I am able to love them completely and compassionately for the first time - because I have given up my agendas & my expectations - and I finally accept and love them just as they are 100% - but I haven't given up on them.
peace-
B
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Yeah, I see that. But giving up on someone as a partner is different, I would argue.
Partners have expectations of each other, they make plans together, they share passion and companionship and lean on each other. That's what's at stake. Sure, no matter what I'll always love my husband and I'll realize he is who he is and I'll have 100% compassion and support for him. But if his alcoholism gets worse we won't be able to go on being lovers and life partners in the way we are now--that's what the rage and despair are about.
Partners have expectations of each other, they make plans together, they share passion and companionship and lean on each other. That's what's at stake. Sure, no matter what I'll always love my husband and I'll realize he is who he is and I'll have 100% compassion and support for him. But if his alcoholism gets worse we won't be able to go on being lovers and life partners in the way we are now--that's what the rage and despair are about.
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Im so sorry for your pain! I know the hurt and pain you have carried around all these years are much more to bear than the bruises on your hands. The unseen bruises and scars can be so unbearable. So finally some of that was brought out into the open...i always hated when i would let it all build up..and at some point with the wrong thing being said or one...the dam would break! Dont let him blame you!! Not for the alchol OR the porn!! Ive dealt with a man that was just addicted to one as the other!! There are NO excuses! And BOTH of his addictions caused me pain. Keep reading your books darling..having truth and wisdom in my hands in the form of books..and wonderful sites such as sober recovery..SAVED MY LIFE!! Im responsible for me honey!!! I started out to save his wretched,miserable, poor ole drunken,angry,miserable,passed out,lying,drug and porn addicted dying soul!!(???) But in the end...the information i took on to save him...saved my blind,lost,what the hell was i thinking, thought id never let go soul!!!! You..only you know how much longer you can live this way. My heart goes out to you friend. And keep on reading and learning...and growing! Twenty two years...wow! Six almost killed me!! He can find his own recovery and help....i wish my ex the best..im just grateful i found my own recovery!!!
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