nicam

Oi vey! I am the reason my bf is in sober living, he was out of control when using (I only knew him when he was actively using), and hurting me was a catalyst for him, and I also went to his parents, sort of an intervention...

He's been really happy and enthusiastic about recovery it seems, but has flip-flopped in his commitment to me (wrote me love letters saying I am his savior and wants to be together forever, then went cold, then hot again, then broke up with me). I went to see him when I got into town, and he told me he broke it off because he wasn't sure he would feel the same way about me sober and didn't want me to have any expectations, but that the moment he saw me he knew he felt the same way sober. We had a better time than we ever had before, and he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I said no, I needed time to be able to trust him again.

We've had such a great time together with him being sober...all of the good, none of the bad. He is the person I knew he would be, the person I stuck around to see. None of the drama and sickness, etc. However, last night he got into a bad mood about his living situation (everyone in the house with him is under 21, and he's 28, and the kids got the whole house put on restriction for doing stupid stuff). Where he had previously been so grateful to be where he is, and to be clean, he was suddenly angry and in a rush to get out of there (he's supposed to be there for 6-9 months), talking about how he is in the same position he was in when he was using (no job, money, etc.). He seemed hopeless all of the sudden, but did acknowledge that during these times of frustration and anger he would normally take a pill to deal with his emotions, and he can't do that. He rushed me out of the house and said he was going to bed...it was 9 PM. I called this afternoon to see if he was feeling better and he was short on the phone and said he was really busy and trying to figure out why he resents everyone in his sober living house.

Why would he resent his housemates if I'm the reason he is there? I get the feeling he resents me...is this normal? All of the sudden he is unhappy there when before he was so grateful? All of the sudden he is rushing me out of his house and short with me when before he was all about making amends in time in order to earn my trust and commitment back? I know, I should cut him out of my life...I know, but I am willing to give it a shot if I see him going in the right direction. Part of me wants to walk away... I am currently pretending I believe him when he says he resents his roommates, when I know it's probably me Is he always going to resent me? Is this a cycle? Any input is greatly appreciated.

outtolunch

Have you considered the possibility that this, like his addiction and recovery experience, has nothing to do with you?

There are good reasons why it is recommended that those in early recovery avoid relationships. This is his battle to fight. Can you consider getting out of his way and giving him the dignity of figuring this out.

Lizzaayy

i am sorry you are going through this. it is difficult having a relationship with an addict, period.
keep yourself happy, and at peace. that is the most important thing. anything that is distressing, conflicting, or confusing will do nothing but upset you.
you deserve happiness, and you deserve to be treated well. never forget that.

JenT1968

lol, honey, we can't work out his motives and inner thoughts, he probably can't work out his motives and inner thoughts.... and he's right there with a front row seat.

I know I have a hard enough time with mine.

can I ask some questions, why do you think he is in rehab? is it because he has an addiciton problem and has decided to tackle it? did you make him into an addict? did you point a gun at his head and force him through the doors of the centre? I'm thinking not. I'm thinking I know that I cannot MAKE another person do anything, (my magic wand is currently broken) they always choose, and adults get to own their choices. Then how are you the reason that he is there? why have you decided that you did this?

I think you are worried that he would resent you for his choice, that suggests that you may benefit from your own counselling or Nar-anon if you have one near by. He might resent you sometimes, I have no idea, but you cannot police his thoughts, you can only look at his actions and behaviour and see if that is something you would like in your life. He gets to do the same with you. Bear in mind though that rehab is just the beginning, even if he sticks with it, he has a long hard road ahead of him, one where further along, both or one of you may decide that actually you're not that suited to each other.

The only mind you can truly know is your own, do you think perhaps you may have some resentments about this situation? has it not panned out the way you'd hoped?

meditation

I went to rehab when I was 48 after years of responsible living and had a midlife crisis a bunch of surgeries and found myself addicted to pills.

Now as an "old" geezer in rehab surrounded by 16 year olds you can imagine the drama that is constantly going on. Trying to be the older mature person dealing with my own addiction issues and then having to be the person that is supposed to keep all the others in line and yes they have leadership roles in sober living that you are assigned, is tough. If one person does something that is stupid it affects the whole house and everyone in the house pays. So I was looking forward to a visit home with my family, my first one and a kid sneaks out hooks up with the opposite sex and we all pay by not getting our visit home.
It doesn't seem fair but it's learning the rules life that consequences will be paid for rules broken. The rehab folks know that living under this sort of situation is a trigger and the lesson is to stay sober despite what's going on and learning how to use the tools of recovery.
Your bf is just frustrated dealing with the drama that affects his life. Things out of his control and it's not really about you here, it's about being on this emotional rollercoaster in sober living. It is very very frustrating to deal with other addicts when one is trying themselves to stay clean.
Not to sound non sympathetic but if your one addict is making you crazy you can imagine that living with 29 other addicts is a recipe to insanity. I always said what won't kill me will make me stronger.
So don't take anything going on with his sober life as a personal affront, it's just he's coping the best he can with all the changes in his life, the emotions that were numb that are now popping up right and left.
That was my experience with the situation. So if I had a bad week it wasn't about my family or friends outside of my sober living life it was the drama I was dealing with in my insular world. Hope that helps put it in perspective for you.

I don't necessarily think he's setting himself up for failure as he's feeling low self esteem and maybe a lack of hope. I felt this way constantly the first year of sobriety and it's just an emotion. It helps me to talk to people that kept doing the right thing and putting one step forward and there is I do believe light at the end of the tunnel. It's normal to be depressed and fearful in recovery, step work helps. What I needed was lots of encouragement that things do get better.

nicam

Thank you all, especially meditation. I'm going to stay out of his way and be his friend for now, and encourage him as much as I can. All of what meditation said about sober living with a bunch of kids, as well as the hopelessness and numbed emotions popping up echo his sentiments exactly. I know it has nothing to do with me, maybe I complicate the situation, but it is about him. Who knows what will happen in the future, it's just hard to let go romantically I guess. I actually asked him if he resented me, and told him I didn't want to sell myself short by being with someone who couldn't give 100% (so stupid of me, I was just PMSing and didn't even really mean it...I know he can't be in it like that, and I don't even want him to be...ugh, a couple days a month it's like I'M high on drugs and emotionally unstable), and it sent him over the edge into an emotional tizzy. Yeah, friends. That's all. Distance is really good right now!