Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

STBXAH slit is wrist right in front of me! I need you guys!!!!



STBXAH slit is wrist right in front of me! I need you guys!!!!

Old 09-19-2010, 07:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
STBXAH slit is wrist right in front of me! I need you guys!!!!

I think I posted here a few weeks ago about AH's relapse after 10 mos. sober after he got 3 dwi's. Things were going ok in those 10 mos., trust issues sure, but I knew he was going to relapse, all the signs were there for about a month. Anyway, it's like day 18 of his bender, and also since I kicked him out of the house. He's been partying it up at bars all over town (the skankiest bars, no less), sleeping in either motels, stayed at his mother's briefy (she said no drinking, he drank, she threw him out), or on the streets, don't know which, but gathering by when he shows up at my house wearing the same filthy clothes he wore 3 days prior when he was at my house (and each time I call a cab for him and make him leave), I'd say more sleeping in the streets. In any event, this weekend he came to my house several times.

On Fri my son texted me (son is 26, doesn't live here, just came to cut the lawn) that AH was sleeping the my shed, when I got home I made him leave. He does not have a key, yet I noticed my door opened and he had showered. Come to realize he climbed thru my dining room window and there was this tan dirt looking thing all over my window ledge, which I cleaned up and learned that it was poop. Come to realize that there was poop all over the chair in the shed too, plus his socks and sneakers that he left there. He his the pants in the garbage pail ...

In any event, last nite he comes to my house, I call him a cab to make him leave, my son (other one, 31 yo who lives here) makes him leave cause he wasn't listening to me. He refused to go, my son said "it's either you leave in this car (taxi) or a police car", AH chose the taxi. (Meanwhile I had called my precinct when he first relapsed and asked if they would arrest him for violation of probation and they said no, they can't do that, only po can, but AH didn't know this, and have since called his po twice, who does not follow up).

AH comes here this morning, I'm in the house, go outside to have my cig and coffee, just relax in the morning, and there AH is sitting on the chair ... I say "you need to leave", he says "I'm done, your husband has resorted to sleeping in the streets and I can't live like this anymore". I go inside to get the phone to call a cab, come back outside and AH is not there. I go to the shed, where I know he will figure he'll pass out (he was intoxicated). In any event, I go to the shed, there he is, laying on the crapped on beach chair on the floor, knife to his wrist (already made one cut, not really bleeding) and I asked him to give me the knife. He said no, I went to grab the knife and he pulled it away from me. I said "I willl not wrestle with you to get the knife, but if you cut yourself, you're on probation, I will have to call the police and you will be arrested". With that, he takes the knife, slices really hard into his wrist, blood coming out alot, looks at me and hands me the knife. I immediately called 911 and got my neighbors to come over to try and stop the bleeding. Cops and ambulence arrive, the only male cop on the scene yells at me cause he said I was screaming (even tho I wasn't and even the female cop and my son both agreed I wasn't), so I kinda told him off, asked if he was "hungover today", cause really, he had a major attitude problem.

Anyway, they take AH to the hospital, ask me to go to give psych info on what happened. I go, AH is there, said to me "see what you made me do??? You always aggrevate me, you bring me to this". I just said "I'm not dealing with this" and left the hospital. Psych called me later. I explained what happened .. psych was going to release him, asked if he could come home to me. I said "absolutely not". Psych said more of an alcohol problem than mental health, I asked psych "well, ok, this person is on probation in two different counties for dwi's, he claims to you he is going to go ahead w/the divorce, live upstate and drink his life away, meanwhile he has no car, no license, no money and no way to get to probation, let alone if he's drinking while on probation which is a violation, does that sound like a sane person so you????" I told him if he let him out on the streets while he is a danger to himself, then if he threw himself in front of a train, we'd be seeing each other in court ... I was not going to have him come back here to finish the job.

Anyway, psych than calls AH's 77 yo mother, who calls me. Hated telling her what happened, but did. She didn't want him going there either, she calls his brother .. who is a recovering alkie for over 20 years. The brother finally gets the dr. to admit him to psych, then calls me. Proceeds to say to me "I don't know if you know what he's been doing ... " I said "I know" which I really don't, and quite frankly did not want to hear ... I told the brother (who I totally can't stand and he doesn't like me) that while I took his brother back after jail and love him, I can't do this, won't put my granddaughters thru this. He says to me "I don't give a sh** and I don't give a sh** if my brother kills himself" meanwhile he is bringing clothes to him tomorrow ... don't get it. Anyway, the tone was bad ... almost like it was my fault.

Problem now is the codie in me is wondering "what he has been up to" and I just keep crying and crying how did it get this bad ... I know how it got this bad, I can answer my own question, alcohol again made it this bad!!!! Yet I keep crying and asking it! I am pissed at myself for being used for 10 mos. while he was sober, only planning to drink again when he felt like it, but I did have the sober him back, which messed me up ... maybe I had some glimmer of hope, and I think that somehow, someway reality sank it today with this whole thing, cause I can't do it ever again....I can't, this means goodbye to him, I may have always been waiting for his bottom, thought dwi's were it, when he gets out of psych will he blame me, he already is ... I know I am not to blame, I will not own that one, I did nothing wrong, alcohol and his choices are to blame on that ... I stuck to my boundary ... nothing wrong with that ... help me try to decipher what I am feeling ... I am so very confused and very upset at what I saw right in front of my eyes today ... help me please .... I need to get passed this, and quick ....

Just to let you know though, thru it all I went food shopping, cleaned the house, did laundry, and made a nice roasted chicken dinner for me and the girls as I normally would do .... But still I need help!!!

Hugs,
queenteree is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:11 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((Queen)))

I'm so sorry. You did the right thing. You called the professionals.

You stated your boundary. You can't fix this. You are keeping your home safe and peaceful for yourself and your grand babies.

You did the right thing. You did not cause this. You can not control this.

You did the right thing.

Sweet lady, please take care of yourself now. You may be in shock.

(((hugs)))
Pelican is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:19 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Klynn33's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Langley, BC
Posts: 1,007
so sorry you're going through this!

you need rest now for YOU.....time to think of yourself!
agree with Pelican...you can't change him....
Klynn33 is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:20 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,058
I'm sorry for all this Queen - but I agree with the others....you did all the right things here
hugs out and prayers for all involved.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:23 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
posiesperson's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hugs to you, Queen...

I'm teary reading your post. This disease sucks. And there's nothing you can do about it except to deal with what's in front of you, and you did that.

Be gentle with yourself, from over here I can see that you did an amazing thing today. Kudos to you. In the midst of your pain, know that I'm cheering for you.

Hugs,
posie
posiesperson is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:24 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree. What he did, to do that in front of you, was a passive-aggressive act of VIOLENCE against YOU.

Apply again for a RO. Tune out the brother. Who cares what he thinks?

You're gonna be OK. Breathe. He is incapacitated for the moment, and tomorrow's Monday. Try to get some rest, and start tackling the details tomorrow.

You did EVERYTHING RIGHT. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Major hugs,
LexieCat is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:30 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
wicked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
queenteree,

times two what lexie said.
rest, drink fluids, put feet up.
you could be in shock now.
terrible shocking thing to happen.

i am sorry.
you handled it like a hero.

beth
wicked is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:34 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
Just to let you know though, thru it all I went food shopping, cleaned the house, did laundry, and made a nice roasted chicken dinner for me and the girls as I normally would do .... But still I need help!!!

Hugs,
I believe you may have been on auto pilot during these activities. Your instincts to care for yourself and the girls took over. The girls are in bed and the reality of the day's events are beginning to surface.

Please keep posting if you need to tonight.

I hope you can love yourself some tonight. Some soothing tea, milk and cookies, soft lights or candles. Take it easy and rest if you can.

Do you have a counselor or someone you can share with face to face tomorrow?
Pelican is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:36 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lola1024's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Oh Queen I am so sorry you had to go through this awful frightening ordeal. The professionals were the only way to handle it. You are doing all of the right things - please take care of you right now. I wish I could give you a real live hug and some tea.

:ghug3
Lola1024 is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:38 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I already put in a call to my therapist earlier, just in case she checks her voicemails, but I told her that I think I need a whole week of therapy this week to get thru this, and I think they will try to accomodate me. I was fine earlier, now I am shaky and reality is setting in. I need to get passed this and quick, the girls need me, I need me, but I'm still having difficulty right now ... crying and crying ... but then again, my one therapist said crying is very theraputic, so I'm hoping ....
queenteree is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 08:48 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hang in there queentree, you are doing just fine.

What you have just been forced to witness is a horror. Being shaky and crying is a perfectly normal reaction for what you just went thru. The fact that in spite of what happened you were able to keep yourself together in order to take care of your girls is clear evidence that you are handling this really well. Most people would have ended up in the ER just from the shock.

If you need a real voice to talk to right this minute you can grab your phone book and call the local crisis line. They are experts at helping families deal with this kind of nightmare. And if you do not want to talk to anybody that is also just fine. Right now the only thing that matter is that you take care of you and your girls, the rest of the world can wait.

Mike
Moderator, SR
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 09:16 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
The girls were not here to see this, my youngest was at her aunt's house overnight, and the older one got dropped off from sleeping at her friend's house just as the ambulence left. I told her that her Poppy had fallen and ht his head and I was concerned and called the ambulence. They do not need to know this. They are sleeping in my bed tonite ... they like doing that every once in a while, so I am going now to sleep with my wonderful little granddaughters and cuddle up and hopefully get a good nite's sleep. But I know how I'll feel in the morning ... please keep your ESH coming ... thanks all. Have a great night.
queenteree is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 09:33 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, hugs, hugs, Queenteree. You handled this terrible event incredibly well. Wishing you strength for the days ahead. Please remember to take gentle care with yourself.
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 09-19-2010, 09:58 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
I must agree with Lexie here... this was an act of violence against you... and to verbalize that he thinks you drove him to it solidifies that. You did do all the right things.

You are probably in shock. When I've been through things like this, my first coping mechanism is to throw myself into the "normal" things like chores... its how I try to make things seem to myself as if the trauma didn't happen. As sick as that may be, it works for me at first, to get me through the initial shock. Then, like you are going through now, when things are more manageable (ie... I have all the facts and some sort of temporary solution is achieved) I begin the "falling apart" stage. I cry. I used to try to suck it up, but crying has become like a natural tranquilizer for me... if I see it through and don't try to suffocate those feelings my eyes are trying to expel.

I've been through similar experiences, the last of which was my ex-hole putting my 9mm to his head, the trigger of which he never pulled. He is, and was, crazy enough to do it. It threw me into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but good. Of course, he told me it was my fault too. I'm no longer a recipient of his "blame game", he'll have to try that on his cellmate or something now.... he went to jail for beating up the mother of his kids when I had to evict him from my life... and he'll be gone for a few years now. Not that I care anymore.

If I was you (and I know I'm not), I would take this "moment of silence" to confirm the boundaries I already set with myself and him. I would continue with the plan of action I already had. I would thank my higher power for a break in the daily incidents of having to deal with him, and I would find a way "not to care" about what his brother was talking about.

Believe me, this will not be easy. Its nearly impossible not to care at all for someone you once loved so much. But it will get better if you don't allow his attempt at pulling your heart strings (yes, some people think "if I was dying she/he would come back to me") to work.

In my experience, people who want to kill themselves, don't talk about it before they do it. Those that are trying to obtain something other than death (and lots of time its help, but not always - sometimes its for effect, and if someone wants to get mad at me for saying that~fine, but I been on both sides of this) will somehow let someone know what they're feeling before making even an attempt at harming themselves, or very soon after they realize that their actions in the state of mind they were in when they took steps toward suicide could actually take their life.

Your husband could be any of these, he did make a cut before you got there.... on the other hand, he did do it in the shed with someone doing yardwork, and you just having gone to call the cab, and he waited for you to show up in the shed to cut deep (effect?)

He's going to be evaluated now, you don't have to try to figure this out, you can't live in his mind... and you sure don't want to let him live in yours. You sound like a very strong and intelligent person. Time with your therapist will help get you through this, you are already taking care of yourself, keep it up. You'll get through this.

Hugs,
Lori
Desert2trees is offline  
Old 09-20-2010, 02:57 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
(queentree)

i would agree, that you are probably in shock. what a horrible thing to witness and have blamed on you. that would mess with anyone's mind.

i am relieved to know your granddaughter's were there with you.

therapy everyday sounds like a good idea. i'm glad you are taking care of yourself.

perhaps consider calling the police next time, instead of a taxi. he is probably counting on the fact that you won't call the police.

and also, anyway you can secure that shed? put a lock on it?

and if he is climbing in windows, that is breaking and entering and you could report it to the police. at a minimum, consider closing all the windows when you aren't home.

i'm thinking you wouldn't go wrong installing bright outdoor lights, perhaps motion sensitive ones.

hang in there!

naive
naive is offline  
Old 09-20-2010, 03:15 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
It is a sad disease. Some don't make it. I am glad you are going to see your therapist all week. Forget the brother- he's probably worn out from it all too. H should be evaluated a couple of days. Where is the probation officer? I would think he should be handling evaluations. Just keep calling police and 911 if he comes back. Sounds to me like he needs 28 days somewhere where he is protected from himself. It is an alcohol and mental problem. You are doing all the right things. This too shall pass. Give him to God. Can you get to a meeting? My XAH talked about suicide but never actually did anything besides talk about it and get drunk. My heart goes out to you. Cuddle those grands and cry. Crying is a cleansing.
Carol Star is offline  
Old 09-20-2010, 04:32 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
freebuthurting's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
(((hugs)))
I can only re-iterate what everyone else here has said.
freebuthurting is offline  
Old 09-20-2010, 05:10 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When I have trouble dealing with what is out of my control, I find that just saying a prayer and giving it to God helps me let go. It also reminds me that I do not have the power over life or death.

When we cannot help, we can pray, to God, to the universe or to whatever we believe our Higher Power is.

I think you handled this remarkably well, and I am glad you will be seeing a therapist this week.

Hugs and prayers for all of you.
Ann is offline  
Old 09-20-2010, 05:14 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
I am so sorry what you had to witness and go through.

First off, isn't that Breaking and Entering to get into a window and filth it up?

Then he is in the shed.

May I suggest something? I would have called the police right there when you saw the mild cut and knife. To get or try to get the knife from an unstable alcoholic could be dangerous with an accidental cut to you. That is not your job or training and that probably made it worse for you emotionally.

As for the insensitive cop. I would have been hysterical and yelling if this had happened to a family member. To criticize you for yelling (when other one said you were not) is just adding to the already unpleasant situation.

One of them should have removed you from the scene and then waited until you calmed down (deep breaths) and then been able to talk to them. They are missing some sensititvity training there. For others insist on this. We had a grill fire and a police man was trying to get me to fill out a form and I was still shaking - and told them they were going to have to wait until I could calm down. Assert yourself as politely as possible when you have witnessed something like that. They should not have kept you there.

Then you have to call his Mom and tell her. And then the family drama.

Then the psy ward wants to release him to you?

I would insist that this man is running around your home with a knife and coming in through windows and you do not think this is a safe thing. Put it back on them. There you got him out of your life only to have this drama happen?

Maybe demolish the shed also since he seems to think that is his place to go. Change locks, look into better security with the window. I don't really think you are in direct danger (as most have said here it is more passive aggressive) from him - but this is dangerous situation that could escalate even accidentally.

Is his probation officer going to get a call from psy ward about this or an anonymous one?

Take care of yourself and make plans how this absurdity cannot happen again.

"How did it get this bad?". That is truly what is so painful about all this, you try to help you are so glad when they get treatment and are the blamed one for it all when it goes wrong. Especially with what you just endured try to take a day off or at least take a quiet evening to relax as one poster mentioned and realize none of this was your fault at all.
MMkM is offline  
Old 09-20-2010, 06:19 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
CatsPajamas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Queentree,

Sending hugs your way that you were able to sleep and wake up refreshed with your sweet little ones in bed with you.

When my ex BF threatened suicide and pulled out the loaded .45, our situation got interesting and complicated in a hurry. I left the house, and I had with me what I needed because I had made a plan. 5 hours later the S.W.A.T. team removed him from my house. It was all over the news (for awhile) and it was really frightening for me and others.

What I learned during the following weeks was:

--Professional help is a good thing. I got some help right away - touching base with a counselor to make sure I was coping in a healthy manner.

--HIS recovery was HIS to own and manage. I stayed out of it as much as I could other than giving some background information to a psychiatrist when asked.

-- You're only the lead story on the news until the next BIG THING happens, and then most people forget about it. It went from "the lead story" to "last weeks news" in about 4 days.

--I think my most important lesson was learning who to talk to about it and who not to. I got a lot of good insight from others who had been in similar situations, mostly from recovery friends and others they put me in touch with. People who have NOT been thru this particular type of drama/trauma did me more harm than good. It's a scary, emotional, time and it brings out scary, emotional responses from inexperienced and narrow-minded people. I had one or 2 who told me again and again what I should have done or what I should be doing... and I had to pull out my arsenal of "you may be right" or "how 'bout that?" and walk away.

I was reminded of this when my sweet daughter-in-law to be was the first on the scene of a violent murder in her neighborhood. The victim ultimately died in her arms after being stabbed, and we learned later that the murderer was in the room with her. In the days following, she couldn't eat or sleep, and she was understandably frightened and confused. My son was at a total loss as to how to help her. I was on the phone with her and she said "you weren't there. You cannot possibly understand what I'm going thru or how I feel." And I said, "you're absolutely right. But I'm going to hang up now and help you find someone who will understand..." and I hung up, called the local police dept there and found her a counselor thru their Violent Crimes Survivors division. they connected by phone that day and it was wonderful. The VERY first thing they told her was to talk about it only to the counselor and one or 2 trusted healthy friends. It helped her immensely and she was able to deal with it.

Hugs to you - I understand how scary it can be. Years later I still have some triggers from my experience, but I am able to reach out for help and process them right away. My DIL tells me she does the same.
CatsPajamas is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:13 AM.