The sadnes, like the anger, is subsiding
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
The sadnes, like the anger, is subsiding
I had about 7 minutes of sadness in the grocery store today. Happy, snuggling couples were there, shopping on a Sunday.
When i first found out about AH affair, april 2008, seeing happy couples would send me sobbing to a public bathroom. Since, it's slowly subsided,until over the past 6 months or so, I just smile and think, "I'll have that too someday."
But I"ve been spending more time with AH (we're seperated) and just accepting his limitations without subjecting myself to behavior I don't want to, accepting my powerlessness, and accepting that I still love him in many ways. I'm getting so much better at identifying and honoring my needs, and that's in part why I"m hanging out with him. Because I just started accepting that I'm not ready to divorce him. I'm not ready to be done with him. Embracing that this time has been very very different from the other times, when I would go to him desperate for attention. This time it's on my terms and I"m healing my old abandonment wounds so there is no desperating
But today when I saw happy families together, I hit a deeper level of understanding of how limited AH is in his ability to be a good partner to me. Oh, I've known it for sometime now but for me, the hysteria is gone. There is acceptance. A bit of sadness, but it only lasted not even ten minutes.
I also realized it won't be long before it's really over between us. Not because I know I should do it and I'll white knuckle my way there through NC. Not because he's had another affair and treats me like crap and abandons me. He's still a jerk sometimes, but he's had many realizations about his affair, that woman, why he did what he did, etc. He says he's not interested in other women and I believe him. I can tell when he's chasing other women. Isn't that sad?
No, today I shifted into accepting I don't want him. I only want about 40% of what he has to offer.
I often post here when he's being a turd and I"m angry. Honestly, at times he is also caring, thoughtful, humble, very funny and kind.
But he has huge mood swings. Holds resentments. He's an alcoholic.
I don't want an alcoholic partner, it's like having half of a partner. I have no idea when he'll show up drunk and i'm on my own anyway. I'm lonely and have been for so long. I want a whole partner that isn't married to his booze.
So that made me sad. That he's not the guy for me. But not for long.
Now I"m home, my little guys are snuggled in their bed and I"m going to go clean the kitchen, make their lunches. Swap the laundry. Those days of doubling over in pain, feeling so desperate seem to be over. The triggers are gone.
I want someone fantastic, brilliant, loving, attentive, consistent, but it's not urgent. Those seven minutes of sadness didn't become a miserable cry of loneliness. Thank the Heavens.
When i first found out about AH affair, april 2008, seeing happy couples would send me sobbing to a public bathroom. Since, it's slowly subsided,until over the past 6 months or so, I just smile and think, "I'll have that too someday."
But I"ve been spending more time with AH (we're seperated) and just accepting his limitations without subjecting myself to behavior I don't want to, accepting my powerlessness, and accepting that I still love him in many ways. I'm getting so much better at identifying and honoring my needs, and that's in part why I"m hanging out with him. Because I just started accepting that I'm not ready to divorce him. I'm not ready to be done with him. Embracing that this time has been very very different from the other times, when I would go to him desperate for attention. This time it's on my terms and I"m healing my old abandonment wounds so there is no desperating
But today when I saw happy families together, I hit a deeper level of understanding of how limited AH is in his ability to be a good partner to me. Oh, I've known it for sometime now but for me, the hysteria is gone. There is acceptance. A bit of sadness, but it only lasted not even ten minutes.
I also realized it won't be long before it's really over between us. Not because I know I should do it and I'll white knuckle my way there through NC. Not because he's had another affair and treats me like crap and abandons me. He's still a jerk sometimes, but he's had many realizations about his affair, that woman, why he did what he did, etc. He says he's not interested in other women and I believe him. I can tell when he's chasing other women. Isn't that sad?
No, today I shifted into accepting I don't want him. I only want about 40% of what he has to offer.
I often post here when he's being a turd and I"m angry. Honestly, at times he is also caring, thoughtful, humble, very funny and kind.
But he has huge mood swings. Holds resentments. He's an alcoholic.
I don't want an alcoholic partner, it's like having half of a partner. I have no idea when he'll show up drunk and i'm on my own anyway. I'm lonely and have been for so long. I want a whole partner that isn't married to his booze.
So that made me sad. That he's not the guy for me. But not for long.
Now I"m home, my little guys are snuggled in their bed and I"m going to go clean the kitchen, make their lunches. Swap the laundry. Those days of doubling over in pain, feeling so desperate seem to be over. The triggers are gone.
I want someone fantastic, brilliant, loving, attentive, consistent, but it's not urgent. Those seven minutes of sadness didn't become a miserable cry of loneliness. Thank the Heavens.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
But today when I saw happy families together, I hit a deeper level of understanding of how limited AH is in his ability to be a good partner to me. Oh, I've known it for sometime now but for me, the hysteria is gone. There is acceptance. A bit of sadness, but it only lasted not even ten minutes.
Beth
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Transformie is in the Lifting stage :)
Originally Posted by transformyself 
Hey I have you to thank you know. That book, the Damned Book? I really think it's facilitated this shift.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Summary of Lifting
"Lifting is a relief from insecurity, longing, and grief. It is a time to reflect upon the emotional truths revealed to us through our abandonment and take stock of the emotional baggage we have been carrying all along. This knowledge is gold, rich in personal wisdom.
Lifting is the time to honor our feelings. If we can keep our emotional center open, its energy becomes self-generating, the impetus for continual healing and lifelong personal growth."
THE place to be!!! Way to go, girl.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I actually went through the lifting stage this year even though I have been divorced 3 yrs. I am not that far in the book. Me and my little girl "me" are ok not being in a relationship right now. A few years ago I didn't feel like I would survive without XAH. I prayed to get to the lifting stage. It took years but I finally got there. I am there. It seemed an unreachable goal a few years back. I was hooked back in with the lovey-dovey stuff. I remember the first Xmas day after we were divorced. I went and spent the Xmas eve with him because I was still lovey-dovey and worried about him. He begged me to stay Xmas day. I left to be with my sister and a family friend. It was hard. I knew he would be drinking. Holidays don't trip me up anymore. The lifting stage feels like a little miracle. I prayed for it. The book clears up what happens. Good orderly direction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
please share the name of the book!! you have done a remarkable job! good for you. I have just realized that i need to get away from my AH and i am leaving the state and our home to start over someplace else. I finally realize it is the only way i can keep myself safe. I'm petrified to begin again at my age, but also excited to start out on a new life and new adventure. i don't care about finding a partner, i want to see if i can be my own best friend...that would be a wonderful accomplishment for me!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
It's called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, by Susan Anderson.
Last night I read through the exercise at the end of the Internalizing Chapter and realized that, with the exception of those comfort your inner child exercises, I've been pretty much doing all of these self talk things. And I saw the "Rage" chapter coming up and had to laugh. Yep, I've already gone through ALL of these stages.
Last night I read through the exercise at the end of the Internalizing Chapter and realized that, with the exception of those comfort your inner child exercises, I've been pretty much doing all of these self talk things. And I saw the "Rage" chapter coming up and had to laugh. Yep, I've already gone through ALL of these stages.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
For instance, I've been doing these four things:
Accepting my separateness
Confronting and transforming my reality
Celebrating the importance of my existence and
Increasing my capacity for love
since I discovered my AH's affair two and a half years ago.
And heavens knows I've done the rage part. Can't wait to read that section.
Accepting my separateness
Confronting and transforming my reality
Celebrating the importance of my existence and
Increasing my capacity for love
since I discovered my AH's affair two and a half years ago.
And heavens knows I've done the rage part. Can't wait to read that section.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
The "rage" stage (4) is a positive one, too. It's about taking the anger and making it work in your favor outwardly, using it to fight for yourself, instead of "internalizing" it (stage 3). I think you'll like that chapter too.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks HWC. It'll be interesting to see how that has played out, as I ordinarily I already outwardly project my rage. I can tell you I went through, oh, about 15 years of that during my 20;s and 30's. And at least 8 months of it recently, after my AH's affair and at the start or our separation. Now a days it's much better.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
another waste of time
So AH just called, he had just woken up and was getting ready to go to work. He calls me all the time; on breaks from work, when he's drunk, when he's not drunk.
Last night I wanted to come over to pick up some pants our son had left but he texted me back, "don't come over I"m wasted and thinking."
So today, like an idiot, I said, did you figure everything out last night while you were drunk and thinking?
He said, "yeah I figured out that I need to change my life. I've been drinking for the last few months and I have to change that.
Me: Actually, you've been drinking this way since I met you and you've always said that you need to change it, I don't have any reason to believe you'll actually do it though, and that makes me sad."
He started spewing all kinds of crap at me about how this isn't about me, how he doesn't want to be responsible for "our relationship" bla bla bla.
So I said goodbye and hung up.
Now I"m toying with NC. It does make me feel a little panicked. Am I ready to let go? Really?
I think I'll try it for today.
Last night I wanted to come over to pick up some pants our son had left but he texted me back, "don't come over I"m wasted and thinking."
So today, like an idiot, I said, did you figure everything out last night while you were drunk and thinking?
He said, "yeah I figured out that I need to change my life. I've been drinking for the last few months and I have to change that.
Me: Actually, you've been drinking this way since I met you and you've always said that you need to change it, I don't have any reason to believe you'll actually do it though, and that makes me sad."
He started spewing all kinds of crap at me about how this isn't about me, how he doesn't want to be responsible for "our relationship" bla bla bla.
So I said goodbye and hung up.
Now I"m toying with NC. It does make me feel a little panicked. Am I ready to let go? Really?
I think I'll try it for today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
What you said to him is the truth, but you could have just said, "Good stuff, can you pass the bean dip?" (Or insert whatever subject changer you like.) If you're going to accept his limitations, you should probably just see the quacking for what it is and not be bothered with pointing it out. I mean, unless you're still hoping that you'll say just the right thing at just the right moment that will make him finally realize...blah blah blah.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
This weekend I went to a zoo and saw many many different kinds of ducks. They quack a lot. And I also saw parrots, parrots are colorful but very very noisy. Then there were the mambas, anacondas, and you would look at the whole landscape and thought it was beautiful - after watching for a while you would start identifying the snakes hidden here and there. Oh- I remembered many people, lol.
Perhaps when you hear him saying all the delusional/harmful talk, repeat other facts of life
Ducks quack
Snakes are poisonous
Drinkers drink
Jerks continue to be jerks
This technique has helped me cope, stating facts, then trying to drive the facts to other things that are neutral/beautiful
The sun is shining
It is a Monday today
I am at work
...then directing them towards me
I am breathing
I am alive
I am safe
If you feel like it you can throw some affirmations
If a duck quacks again and you start engaging, you can start pointing out facts about ducks, then about other members of the Animal Realm, then about nature, you, etc... this really helps me..
Did I tell you a duck bit me when I was little? I wish I had been done with ducks then, LOL.
Going NC helps, too!! but some of us have to accept ducks/parrots/snakes will be part of the landscape and peace can still be attainable.
Perhaps when you hear him saying all the delusional/harmful talk, repeat other facts of life
Ducks quack
Snakes are poisonous
Drinkers drink
Jerks continue to be jerks
This technique has helped me cope, stating facts, then trying to drive the facts to other things that are neutral/beautiful
The sun is shining
It is a Monday today
I am at work
...then directing them towards me
I am breathing
I am alive
I am safe
If you feel like it you can throw some affirmations
If a duck quacks again and you start engaging, you can start pointing out facts about ducks, then about other members of the Animal Realm, then about nature, you, etc... this really helps me..
Did I tell you a duck bit me when I was little? I wish I had been done with ducks then, LOL.
Going NC helps, too!! but some of us have to accept ducks/parrots/snakes will be part of the landscape and peace can still be attainable.
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