Lizzaayy

so haven't talked to xbf since i decided to go no contact.
baby is due october 23rd. i am so excited!!!
x has tried to call me and what not, but i refuse to answer or talk to him.
just getting prepared for everything, and keeping myself peaceful.
life has been good. certainly, there have been times when i felt sad or depressed about my situation, but i push those feelings away, and concentrate on my happiness.
soo happy that i am going to meet my son soon. =) 33days!!!!

dollydo

Wow! October is going to be an exciting month! I am so happy for you!

Lizzaayy

i have gone to 2 meetings so far and they have been very helpful. they are held every wednesday in my area.
on the 21st ((this tuesday)) i take my pharmacy technician exam. i am very happy about that, and feel very confident that i am going to pass and get my certification.
my baby shower is on the 3rd of october. and i have been doing some shopping on my own, as well. buying cute boy's clothes is so much fun, especially with my mom.

lately, i have been feeling a lot of anger towards my xbf. angry that i am doing this by myself, angry at what i allowed him to get away with in our relationship etc. most importantly, angry at what he said to me right before i went no contact with him. he said that i just need to "get over it" and "move on" ((that's what made me leave him lol)) when talking about the pain i still felt from the lies/verbal abuse/general jerkish-ness.
and all while i was 8 months pregnant with his son!! yet i should just "get over it"? while he continued to lie and manipulate me?
that is where a lot of my anger stems from i think. i used to have so much love for this man, but since i have not communicated with him and have had time to sit back and think about everything that has happened, i see all the selfishness and cruelness i subjected myself to. but i don't think he sees it. he didn't see/think he was being cruel or selfish ((if he did, he would not simply tell me to "get over it")), and that's what i believe makes me the most angry. actually, it makes me feel very disgusted with myself in a way, to know that i allowed myself to have such strong feelings for someone who is obviously such a complete and total scum bag!!! and he's the father of our child, to boot.
i think, what i want is for him to realize what he did to me. how much he really effed up my head and heart. how much he quite literally screwed with me. and to spend the rest of eternity feeling nothing but shame and guilt for all the hell i let him put me through. ((yes i did it to myself by staying, but he did it, too)) honestly, with the way i feel right now, i think that's all he deserves.

rest assured i will bring all of this up in my meeting on wednesday =)
wow self, you sure know how to pick 'em.

dollydo

Yes, meetings will help. I remember how angry I was at that dive bomber I was with, he made a fool of me. I left him in my dust and the anger disapated. Now I feel nothing for him.

You have a wonderful life ahead of you--live it to the fullest!

Impurrfect

(((Lizzaayy))) - anger is a part of the grieving process...grieving the loss of what you THOUGHT would be a healthy family of 3. FWIW, once I got past the anger at HIM, I had for more difficulty with getting past the anger at ME, for tolerating what I did. "how could have I have been so STUPID" was a daily part of my conversation to myself.

Thanks to the great people here, I've moved past that (mostly) and I'm really glad you're here and going to meetings. Feelings may SEEM overwhelming, but they're just feelings and when we've got people who have BTDT, moved on, it helped ME a lot, and I'm sure it will help you, too.

I definitely won't forget your due date...I'll be at a wedding in MN, for a dear cousin of mine, that day, and will have even MORE reason to celebrate life!!

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

hello-kitty

Lizzaayy! Youre awesome. Your son is so lucky to have you for a mom.

newnormal4me

Congrats on your strength! I can imagine it is very hard at times as this is such an emotional and awesome time of life. What a shame RE what he is missing out on. Stay strong and keep working on you. Words I need to keep telling myself as well!!! Good luck on the exam Tuesday.

newnormal4me

As far as anger, I'm going through a lot myself. Strange how it has really only surfaced as I work on getting out of my situation.

I guess that is what the steps are for. If the A's in our lives eventually do work a program, they will work through what they have done not only to themselves, but to others. Let's pray they get there...sooner rather than later. Meanwhile, we just have to find healthy ways to work through our angry without any expectations from them.

****{HUGS}}}

Lizzaayy

thank you everyone for your responses!
my life is mine again. no more sitting around and waiting, hoping, praying for change.
i deserve more than that. and so does my son.
it was definitely hard to break away, but i am most assuredly in a better state now. ((for about 2 months of my pregnancy, i sobbed hysterically every day!! that's crazy.)) and i know that the happier i am, the happier my baby will be. and that is all that matters. =)

Kindeyes

Lizzaayy
You are taking care of yourself and that little being in your tummy. That is so wonderful! Hopefully the anger will pass in time.......it's a powerful emotion that causes a lot of chaos with ourselves but does nothing to the person we're angry with. You'll have a LOT to keep you occupied once your sweet son arrives.

I love babies.....they just smell good.

gentle hugs

Lizzaayy

thank you kind eyes!

he still calls my house, but i refuse to answer. i get the feeling he is trying to secretly check up on me or something.
sorry, i'm too busy "getting over it."

my test is tomorrow! and then i have an appointment on wednesday. plus a meeting.
slowly, i feel my old self returning. i feel more motivated to do things, and spend less time obsessively thinking about the last few months of my life.
i don't cry, i don't yell, i am at peace. i love it, i love where i am right now.

shegirl

Congrats!!!!! Good luck on your test! Kindeyes is right, you will be so busy as a new mom to focus on how angry you are, at anyone yourself included. Thats what ur baby needs is peace so your already doing a great job! Keep us posted!!

Lizzaayy

still haven't talked to xbf. i'm staying strong, though it is so difficult.
((passed my test with flying colors))
somehow, I don't feel as proud of myself as i should. every day, i get up, and look at all of the little boys' clothes i and my mom have bought. i think about my upcoming appointment, where i'll get to hear his little heartbeat. i imagine holding him for the first time, and smelling his wonderful baby smell, and holding his tiny hand in mine.
i cry. so hard, and so deeply. i can not believe i do not have my partner, my love here with me, in a time when i so desperately want him. when we should be holding eachother, and laughing and gushing about our son, who will be here in just 24 days.
but he is shooting up roxies. and is too numb to even think about that, i'm sure.
i don't understand. i don't feel happy, or serene anymore. i am happy about having my baby boy, to be sure. i am happy about passing my test, and preparing for my baby shower on october 3rd and everything that goes with all of these things, i am happy.
but my heart is broken, shattered. i have never felt so alone, so completely abandoned in my whole life. my baby, my precious boy, does not have his father. and he is not even here yet. i can hardly explain this heart ache. the pain is for my son, i think. knowing he is only innocent, and does not even know anything about what he is being born into.
he will be safe, and secure. he will be raised in a quiet, clean, peaceful home. ((albeit a little small)) he will be loved immensely, by myself and my whole family. he will know that the world is kind (for as long as possible) and that when you are hurting, someone is there to help you.
for all these things i am greatful. a baby's few first months of life must be filled with security and peace, and that is what my son will have.
but not with my son's father. he is nowhere to be seen or heard. he is a silent, painful ache in my heart and mind. i am still so violently angry with him, i dream sometimes about seeing him and hurting him physically.
i have brought all of this up in my meetings, and am met with loads of understanding and compassion. suggestions for 'taking my mind off of it' and 'focusing on more postive emotions/things.'
but still, i have these feelings. they are not consuming, they do not prevent me from doing my normal activities. but they are still present.
knowing my mom will be the only one in the room with me when i deliver. my name will be the only one on the birth certificate. my last name, the one my son will have.
when before, my son's father was going to hand me our child. (he would get to hold him first! how amazing would that be, for a father?) his name would have been on the certificate, his last name would have been our son's, and eventually, when we had the money, mine.
i hate him. i hate his mother. i hate that whole lying, sneaking, screwed up family. they are nothing to me, represent nothing to me, except pure selfishness and greed, for that is all they have shown. my son will never know them. i will protect him from such awful, toxic human beings for as long as i can.
and if they ever, ever try to come anywhere near my child, i fear what i might do to retaliate.

Nerdgirl

Thanks for sharing. Your recentpost was full of lots of powerful stuff. It seems that you have recognized your fantasy for the family life you want with the addict and exchanged it for the reality of life without him - good for you!

Please don't let your resentments poison you though, resentment is another way of hanging on to a painful past. If you can't change it, and it's not doing you any good - might as well let it go.

What an exciting time for you! Keep looking forward, a little man is coming you way and he will change you perspective forever

Lizzaayy

^that was the hardest part. giving up the 'fantasy.' the promises, the dreams, the goals, my son having his father. all down the freakin toilet because of a selfish, disgusting want/need to get high. but it was more than a want. it was a promise, it was what i thought, what i believed, a common thing between us, what we both SHARED as a COUPLE about to have a baby TOGETHER. that is what i was told, countless times. but i guess words from a junkie don't mean anything. even if they say them before they start using.

the resentment. yes, this is where i am now. eventually, i suppose i will get over the more volatile feelings. but, for right now, i don't know if i could ever come to at least not have immense dislike for his actions.
it's not fair! i feel like such a child for saying it, but i want to scream it at the top of my lungs. my son not having his father around is not fair. my xbf wanting to be stuck on stupid instead of wanting to live a clean and healthy life with the family he helped to create is not fair.
that's one of the big things, too. he helped make this baby, so how come he gets to check out of all responsibilty? while my family and i are stuck buying everything, making arrangments, and eventually will be the sole caretakers for the rest of my child's life. not saying it is a burden, of course i am happy about having my child, and i already love him more than anything, certainly more than i love(d) his father. but what about our son? does he mean nothing to him? really?
idk, now i hate him. because i don't see any reason to not. honestly, he chose this, to be where he is, to do what he does. he chose it, and it's an awful, self centered, gross, down right greedy choice to make, and i can't see it as anything other than that.

Lizzaayy

also, i have heard about having compassion and sympathy for addicts.
how could i achieve those feelings in my situation? any advice would be much appreciated. i asked in my meeting last wednesday, and though i was met with many answers, none of them satisfied me. i wonder why that is?

Kindeyes

Lizzaayy
Sometimes life deals a real crappy hand. It's how we play it that counts.

Anger, resentment, all of those powerful negative emotions do more damage to the one feeling those feelings than it does to the person they are angry at or resent. I read somewhere that "Feelings of anger and resentment are like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I have felt a lot of anger and resentment in my life and if there is one thing I could go back and change, it would be to lose those feelings of anger and resentment LONG before I did. Once I got over those negative feelings, it was like a weight was lifted off of MY back. And I was able to find peace within myself.

You're going to have a lot to deal with in the coming months. Concentrate on those things. Love that little baby. And work toward losing those feelings of anger and resentment.......it will lessen your load.

gentle hugs

Impurrfect

(((Lizzaayy))) - I understand the anger. Heck, I'm an RA and I STILL was mad as he!! that the things my XABF promised me never panned out. If anyone, I should know better!!!

As far as compassion, I think that may take a while. First we have to get over the anger. In time, there is sadness (at least in my experience), and I finally got to compassion. I had to realize that it's really, really sad when some people are so trapped in their addiction that they can't even begin to see they're way out.

My XABF died, having not seen his 2 younger boys since they were babies (their mom moved away and he made no effort to get in contact). His oldest, I met, because he followed dad's footsteps, in a way, and was selling crack in the 'hood. He eventually went back with his mom, and last I heard, was working and doing good.

I never could understand why he didn't even call them? However, I am also sad that he missed out on their lives because he couldn't put the crack pipe down. When I'm having a really good day, just high on life, I "talk" to him and say "I'm just gonna tuck you in my heart, for today, and let you see what life is REALLY like, without all the BS...how absolutely wonderful it can be".

It took me time to get this point, and I had to work through anger and resentments. I'm sure I also have compassion because I know, first hand, how it is to not be comfortable with me, using one thing or another to "deal with it", and it took me all this time to get to where I'm okay with me. Believe me, I was angry at MYSELF and still have a few resentments against ME, to get over.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

shegirl

You keep your head up. you're doing the right thing and putting your kid first. You do have a right to be angry, but I think some of it will lighten up after your son is born. But dont get too worked up that your not getting your rest. Take care of yourself ok

Lizzaayy

thank you everyone for your replies.
just gotta keep doing what i'm doing, work on myself and getting prepared for my son.
i do want to lose these feelings. obviously, they are negative and though they don't impair me or what i'm currently doing in life, they are still something i want to get over.
my big, resounding question is HOW?