I did a stupid thing but got my answer
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
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I did a stupid thing but got my answer
I did a very stupid thing today but I got my answer..
I met my AH. He wanted to talk. We talked about the kids for a few minutes then we talked about his drinking. He said that he wasn't an alcoholic cuz he was reading a book and he doesn't drink every day. Well, duh, you don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic.
He also said that I was putting it in everyone's minds which I know I didn't. Then I said you can't come home until you stopped drinking and go to aa. He stood up and walked away. He said before he got up that he wants to enjoy the rest of his life. Yeah, okay. whatever. He told me he was on his way to watch football at a friends house. and drink. Have fun.
So I've got my answer. At least now I can move forward with my plan to get this house ready to sell and work on myself.
Before I met him today I wasn't even keeping my fingers crossed because I knew what his response would be. I think he wanted me to feel bad for him because he said he had no money left and that his truck broke down. Oh well. Life stinks don't it.
I actually feel better knowing what his answer is. Now I will begin no contact. I think I just needed an answer.
My m-i-l talked with me over an hour the other day saying she talked with him about going to counseling and AA and etc. She also said she can't understand how I put up with him for all these years. Of course, it's her son but she's concerned for kids and myself because she went through verbal abuse with her xhusband who didn't drink.
I'm careful what I say to her but I did tell her that I cannot have him come back while drinking. She understood. I'm glad I talked with her.
Now that I have my answer, I hope my days will be easier. Maybe now I can begin the grieving process.
I'm going to see my therapist this week. I can't wait. I should also look up some codependent groups in my area. I think that would help greatly.
I just have to remember. Day by Day.
I met my AH. He wanted to talk. We talked about the kids for a few minutes then we talked about his drinking. He said that he wasn't an alcoholic cuz he was reading a book and he doesn't drink every day. Well, duh, you don't have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic.
He also said that I was putting it in everyone's minds which I know I didn't. Then I said you can't come home until you stopped drinking and go to aa. He stood up and walked away. He said before he got up that he wants to enjoy the rest of his life. Yeah, okay. whatever. He told me he was on his way to watch football at a friends house. and drink. Have fun.
So I've got my answer. At least now I can move forward with my plan to get this house ready to sell and work on myself.
Before I met him today I wasn't even keeping my fingers crossed because I knew what his response would be. I think he wanted me to feel bad for him because he said he had no money left and that his truck broke down. Oh well. Life stinks don't it.
I actually feel better knowing what his answer is. Now I will begin no contact. I think I just needed an answer.
My m-i-l talked with me over an hour the other day saying she talked with him about going to counseling and AA and etc. She also said she can't understand how I put up with him for all these years. Of course, it's her son but she's concerned for kids and myself because she went through verbal abuse with her xhusband who didn't drink.
I'm careful what I say to her but I did tell her that I cannot have him come back while drinking. She understood. I'm glad I talked with her.
Now that I have my answer, I hope my days will be easier. Maybe now I can begin the grieving process.
I'm going to see my therapist this week. I can't wait. I should also look up some codependent groups in my area. I think that would help greatly.
I just have to remember. Day by Day.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Alcoholics are only ready to quit when they are ready to quit. It's pretty clear he's not ready. For his sake, I'm glad he's doing a little thinking about it. A lot of us resisted the idea for as long as we possibly could, and it wasn't until we utterly convinced OURSELVES that we were ready.
Keep taking good care of yourself.
Keep taking good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: England (UK)
Posts: 163
My AH tells me he can't be an alcoholic because he only drinks a couple of drinks a day! The fact that I know he was drinking more than that behind my back and that for years and years he was drinking in excess of 6 pints of strong beer a day seems to have slipped his mind. He has also tried to convince me that you are only an alcoholic if you consume vast amounts of spirits on a daily basis.
My AH also tells me I am lying to friends and family about him. (How he knows what I am doing now is beyond me since I am in England and he is in America now!)
The things that denial will cause them to say -- even more ridiculous that we are meant to agree with them or believe them. Its so much easier when we stop trying to believe them and believe our own common sense instead.
My AH also tells me I am lying to friends and family about him. (How he knows what I am doing now is beyond me since I am in England and he is in America now!)
The things that denial will cause them to say -- even more ridiculous that we are meant to agree with them or believe them. Its so much easier when we stop trying to believe them and believe our own common sense instead.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I actually am very proud of myself. 
Last time he was gone I did not say those words. "You cannot come home unless you've stopped drinking and going to AA"
Today I did. I couldn't actually believe they came out of mouth. This morning was awful. So full of anxiousness about what I needed to say. I didn't know what to do with myself so I just layed in bed. Then I met him and said those words.
I actually feel relieved. I'm supposed to be at the supermarket right now but need a little sober recovery to help me.
He called and left me a message on my cell. I listened to it and he apoligized for walking away and he'd call this week. No contact would be way easier if we didn't have kids. He wants to see them this week but he can just contact them. He doesn't have to go through me. That's an idea for no contact. My kdis are 15 so they would just tell me if they were to meet him. I do know that he would be sober when he saw them. I wouldn't have to worry about that.
Basically, I'm not going to read his texts or reply except if they are concerning the kids.
I have to read a little more before I run out. This place is great!
Last time he was gone I did not say those words. "You cannot come home unless you've stopped drinking and going to AA"Today I did. I couldn't actually believe they came out of mouth. This morning was awful. So full of anxiousness about what I needed to say. I didn't know what to do with myself so I just layed in bed. Then I met him and said those words.
I actually feel relieved. I'm supposed to be at the supermarket right now but need a little sober recovery to help me.
He called and left me a message on my cell. I listened to it and he apoligized for walking away and he'd call this week. No contact would be way easier if we didn't have kids. He wants to see them this week but he can just contact them. He doesn't have to go through me. That's an idea for no contact. My kdis are 15 so they would just tell me if they were to meet him. I do know that he would be sober when he saw them. I wouldn't have to worry about that.
Basically, I'm not going to read his texts or reply except if they are concerning the kids.
I have to read a little more before I run out. This place is great!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
vr
No one want to tell their AH or AW they can't come home. My AH lasts druken stint I took her to rehab then after that I said she couldn't come home. I wanted her too, but knew deep down she would end up dead. That decision impacted my work, my two kids and many friends around us who helped us. She did get sober and in some ways better and less 'sick' than I who is still recovering from the emotions and mess.
I did it for me, for her, and for the kids. She was trying to get sober at the time so for me it made it that much harder.
Today she is sober, I have a wife, kids have a mom, and I don't have to play emotion/mind games with myself or her.
AG
No one want to tell their AH or AW they can't come home. My AH lasts druken stint I took her to rehab then after that I said she couldn't come home. I wanted her too, but knew deep down she would end up dead. That decision impacted my work, my two kids and many friends around us who helped us. She did get sober and in some ways better and less 'sick' than I who is still recovering from the emotions and mess.
I did it for me, for her, and for the kids. She was trying to get sober at the time so for me it made it that much harder.
Today she is sober, I have a wife, kids have a mom, and I don't have to play emotion/mind games with myself or her.
AG
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Denial is the worst. Maybe someday he will get past his denial. But I am not holding my breath.
My sister was over yesterday and talked with my daughter. My sis asked her how are things and my daughter said 'nice, it's quiet here now'. Even if she is still in her room all the time I know I'm doing the right thing.
I just can't believe how strong I was today. When he walked away I didn't run after him like I would have before. It's amazing. I hope I say being strong.
Reading here helps. Sometimes I don't post because I really don't have any good advice but reading helps immensely.
Thank you all. I can't say that enough!
My sister was over yesterday and talked with my daughter. My sis asked her how are things and my daughter said 'nice, it's quiet here now'. Even if she is still in her room all the time I know I'm doing the right thing.
I just can't believe how strong I was today. When he walked away I didn't run after him like I would have before. It's amazing. I hope I say being strong.
Reading here helps. Sometimes I don't post because I really don't have any good advice but reading helps immensely.
Thank you all. I can't say that enough!
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Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Good for you Alwaysgrowing.
It's very hard indeed. I am doing this for all of us, even him. I don't want to see him die. That is where he is headed. He is a thin man and has lost a considerable amount of weight since he left.
I'm glad it worked out good for you.
It's very hard indeed. I am doing this for all of us, even him. I don't want to see him die. That is where he is headed. He is a thin man and has lost a considerable amount of weight since he left.
I'm glad it worked out good for you.
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I know I will still have bad moments but right now I feel pretty good. Even after seeing him. Now maybe tonight I will be able to sleep.
I just reread my posts from last year. Crazy. I can't believe I let him back last year while still drinking. I think I have gotten stronger this past year.
I just reread my posts from last year. Crazy. I can't believe I let him back last year while still drinking. I think I have gotten stronger this past year.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"I just can't believe how strong I was today. When he walked away I didn't run after him like I would have before. It's amazing. I hope I say being strong. "
YAY veryregretful!!!!! I'm glad you looked back at some of ur old posts too. It is so important to see how far we have come.
YAY veryregretful!!!!! I'm glad you looked back at some of ur old posts too. It is so important to see how far we have come.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Good on you! (((veryregretful)))
No regrets today! You are a good mom. Your child has noticed the peacefulness in your home. That is awesome!
Yes, get some sleep if you can. Keep taking care of yourself. You are worth the effort.
No regrets today! You are a good mom. Your child has noticed the peacefulness in your home. That is awesome!
Yes, get some sleep if you can. Keep taking care of yourself. You are worth the effort.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 35
Good for you for standing your ground. I'm dealing with the same situation. AH left the house a week ago today. In a moment of weakness, I called him on Thursday night and begged him to meet with me to talk things over. He was unrecognizeable as the man I loved. Cold as ice and told me he didn't think our marriage could be saved. There was pure hatred in his voice. I hung up that night, and resolved not to call him again. After not hearing from me, he called me the next day at work, and I told him he is not allowed to contact me or upset me at the office. He sent me an email the next day apologizing.
I didn't talk to him at all yesterday, and today he sent me a text saying he is going to the VA for treatment Monday morning and they're putting him on a 24 hour inpatient hold. He then plans to start therapy and using the naltrexone again. I wanted badly to call him, but went out to lunch with my cousin and took a walk with my daughter instead.
Keep up the no contact. In my experience, when AH starts to see me becoming indifferent (even if it's still only an act on my part) he panics. That's the time when he begins to see what's really at stake here and he seeks out help.
I didn't talk to him at all yesterday, and today he sent me a text saying he is going to the VA for treatment Monday morning and they're putting him on a 24 hour inpatient hold. He then plans to start therapy and using the naltrexone again. I wanted badly to call him, but went out to lunch with my cousin and took a walk with my daughter instead.
Keep up the no contact. In my experience, when AH starts to see me becoming indifferent (even if it's still only an act on my part) he panics. That's the time when he begins to see what's really at stake here and he seeks out help.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
I'm horrible but I have to admit that first part of your initial post made me laugh: the meeting with him and the way he acted. OMG I've been there thousand times and every time that kind of thing had me back at the square one. They are such a manipulators, aren't they?
I've learned my lesson in the meantime, but reading about it reminded me how crazy my life was not that long ago.
Congrats on being strong and seeing things clearly. I guess you're not ready until you're ready, and you definetely sound ready now. There are bound to be some bumps on the road, but stay strong, as the time passes it will only become easier, but only if you keep working on yourself, at least that is my experience.
Take care
I've learned my lesson in the meantime, but reading about it reminded me how crazy my life was not that long ago.
Congrats on being strong and seeing things clearly. I guess you're not ready until you're ready, and you definetely sound ready now. There are bound to be some bumps on the road, but stay strong, as the time passes it will only become easier, but only if you keep working on yourself, at least that is my experience.
Take care
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