What do you think?

Old 09-17-2010, 05:13 PM
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What do you think?

I obsess about rediculous stuff.

It is homecoming here and I was going to take the boys to the football game. I was looking forward to it, we've been having a fun week. My 11yo called his dad to see if he'd take him. I didn't think he'd even get a call back, much less a yes but xah did decide to come down and take them to the game.

I asked xah if he wanted me to come along (we also have two 4yo's that are probably not going to be much fun after half time) or stay back. He didn't say either way but since it wasn't a yes and he mumbled something about his phone, I stayed behind. The 9yo wanted me to go. He has a night planned out with friends and is as bad as I am about last minute changes.

So did I do the right thing by staying behind? I never know. Should I have just went. We can be civil for two hours at a football game but saying it would be uncomfortable would be a massive understatement. I still feel sick when they leave or I drop them off. It all just feels so wrong all the time no matter what.

I do not do well with last minute change of plans. I can't figure out the simplest of situations sometimes. I obsess about doing the right thing in social situations, or about what people are *really* thinking, or if I'm being a dummy, or......endless.

I'm having a moment.
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Old 09-17-2010, 05:20 PM
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First thing that popped into my little brain was: "It's hard to share."

The hardest thing I have had to overcome is that I don't have to be everything to everyone. I just do the best I can and go forward, one step at a time.

Doubt that my post helps any, but, it is what it is, just my thoughts!

I know that you are a good Mom, take a deep breath and enjoy your evening.
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Old 09-17-2010, 05:32 PM
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Go with your gut. Something in that moment told you to stay home and that's what you did. You said it would have been uncomfortable...well that energy is good for noone. The hope is that your choice to stay back diffused any negativity and your son can have a great night.

Let go of the outcome and have faith deep down you know what's best for your child.

Alice
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Old 09-17-2010, 05:44 PM
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Oh my Thumper, I feel you on this one.
My nearly grown kids, my youngest especially has to say,
"Mom, it will be fiiiiiiiiiiiine."
LOL
So, Thumper, it will be fine.
Could you go for a little while, and then take the 4 year olds home?
No need to hang out with the ex, football fields are pretty big.
Just a thought.

Beth
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Old 09-17-2010, 05:46 PM
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My first reaction reading your post was, "What did YOU want to do?" i have had to do a lot of work in taking 100% responsibility for my wants. That means identifying them, communicating them, pursuing them, and owning the outcomes of pursuing them. In this situation, that might have meant saying "I want to go to so I will follow you in my car or meet you guys there. You are welcome to sit with me if you would like." not sure if this applies for you or not just thought I'd share.

About this:
"I do not do well with last minute change of plans. I can't figure out the simplest of situations sometimes. I obsess about doing the right thing in social situations, or about what people are *really* thinking, or if I'm being a dummy, or......endless."
ME TOO! All my life. I attribute it now mostly to my ADD diagnosis and try to go easy on myself. I also am actively practicing surrounding myself only with people who, when I associate with them, I do not walk Away feeling like this. It has been part of my work in identying my needs and getting them met. Its still hard sometimes but boundaries help, so does Discernment, and eliminating toxic people from my life.

I sincerely hope you feel better SOON. Dont sweat the small stuff honey. Focus on all the GOOD you do and experienced this week
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Old 09-17-2010, 06:00 PM
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Oh you guys - you are all so smart!

dollydo - it is hard to share. I don't like to share *anything*! I'm terrible at it.

Alice - one of the things I have so much difficulty with is figuring out what my gut is telling me, and then trusting it. I'm sure they are having a great time and I know for certain the 11yo is sooo happy to be with his dad at the game.

L2L - I think you are right too. I did want to go along but I didn't want to go if it would drive my xah's anxiety through the roof because then he'd leave or look miserable and that would have ruined everything. I would like to move to a place where we can be with the kids together from time to time and it be OK.

Wicked - as it turns out he has already called me asking if I wanted to come to the game. Kids are running around with friends, the one friends mom is there and I'm sure she was friendly/nice with xah. If I know him he was probably also worried about his reception here etc. etc. I'm surprised he called but he sounded reasonable so I'll go and be reasonable too and maybe it will bring us one step closer to being parents to our children and not enemies across camp.


Anyway - I'll go for a little while and leave with the little boys, or just leave if something weird happens.

Thanks everyone. I was having a little mini crisis there for a minute. It is amazing how we can be cruising along and then some small interaction with the ex can be such a curve ball. Yikes.
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Old 09-17-2010, 06:16 PM
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Anyway - I'll go for a little while and leave with the little boys, or just leave if something weird happens.
Excellent idea. I know how tough it was for me too, the weirdness of it all. Trying to be open to working it out was hard. Just for a little while it can be okay.
Good deal.

Beth
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:37 PM
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I went and it was all fine. I sat and yacked it up with the women next to me and he set up behind me with the 11yo and one of the 4yo's. Boys were happy and we didn't have to pretend at anything. Thanks for 'talking me down' from my moment, lol.
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