coming_clean

I´m a few days sober now.
My drug of choice is mariuana.
The first few nights I could hardly sleep.
But I didn´t and don´t care. I don´t care anymore.
Anything is better then keep on doing what I used to do.
I have said this before many many times during the years i´ve been writing here. But this time it´s different.

Some may wonder why.
I´ll tell you.

I found myself sitting last saturday on the couch at home after a smoking bender of 33 days. With next to me a bowl filled with about 100 x 500 mg. asperine and about 50 ubiprofins. I had bought a nice bottle of wine and a bag of good weed. I prerolled the joints, so I didn´t have to do that when I was gulping the pills in to kill myself.

Those words are even now very confronting. Killing myself.
I was very very very depressed.

When I had the first pill in my mouth, just about to swollow it, I had a very strange experience. A sudden rush of energy starting from my toes, going through my body to my head and then my mind.

A very pure clear moment of consiouness, more profound than I ever reached meditating. I spat the pill out, threw up the wine over partly over myself and dailed the first suicide hotline I could find. There I sat, in my own barf, talking to some lady while crying my heart out. We talked for about two hours.

Professional help never worked for me, NA neither. Shrinks always tell me I EXACTLY know what needs to be done. It just doesn´t stick. But this woman, and I think myself pulled me out. This is not about weed smoking, this has been about having the confidence to face myself and accept it, the good and the bad. Confidence that I have the right to be here, with all my faults and defects.

I know now....no I am.....recovery. I AM AN ADDICT. Using equals death. And by accepting this, a world has opened of a milion other possibilies I can invest my energy in. Thing that make me happy, things that make me cry. Things that hurt and things that make me laugh.

So, this whole detoxing thing is oke. So I feel like ****, it´ll get better. So I didn´t sleep for a few nights, things get better. And then they get worse again, and then better again. I´m just sucking it all in and dealing with it.

I know I can´t get too confident, this devil will always try to break me, to destroy me. If I let him in he will kill me. I´m taking my time, get my moments of rest, powernaps, I eat healthy and I gave up coffee forever. I´m energetic enough being me.

So here I am. Alive and well enough for the time being.

Wanted to share.

Anna

I am so very sorry that you went through that experience.

But, it does seems to have been a turning point for you.

And, I agree that accepting ALL parts of ourselves, good and bad, is important for recovery.

coming_clean

it was horrible...

but necessary...

Dee74

I'm sorry you had to go there J - but I've very glad you came back
D

coming_clean

always a pleasure D.

Ladybird79

I was touched when reading about your experience and about the godly interference (that´s the way I see it).

I wish you a lot of strength in the time to come, I can however see, by the way you write, that this is a turning point for you!

PrimalScream

Wow,that really affected me, thanks for writing about it. pot has always been one of my big issues as well. I mostly concentrate on not drinking but I always smoked weed when I drank, and I know that when I smoked weed I drank way more beer. Actually, if I didn't smoke weed I never drank nearly as much beer as I did when I smoked. I think weed is overlooked too much as a serious problem for some. when I was younger I used to enjoy being stoned, it would relax me, but in the last 10 years or so I have never enjoyed smoking weed by itself, it made me hyper, jittery, anxious, paranoid...it was really no fun at all. So what I would do is first drink about 5 or 6 beers then smoke a joint or a bowl, the alcohol would counteract the hyperness of the weed with it's sedative effect, and it felt good. Then every time I started to feel like passing out from to many beers I would smoke some more pot and this would bring me around again...so the two worked together to allow me to drink oceans of beer, much more than I ever would have been able to drink without smoking pot. I'm glad you had that breakthrough and I hope it is a major turning point for you. Pot is a sneaky drug as it is not looked upon as being as bad as alcohol or hard drugs, but it is just as dangerous I think. Good luck with your sobriety, you can do it, I know you can.

milwaukeeguy85

about 3 years ago I decided to get black out drunk and slam a liter of robutussin and swallow a handful of kolonopins and other various drugs because I was in such a low and desperate place. I totally feel you man, it is very very rough and it feels hopeless, the clock ticks by, you are consumed by your thoughts of guilt and fear, and it seems like it will go on for an eternity. Just know that by finding something to live for, instead of reasons not to live, you will see the light one day. And when you do you will feel so good that you took the steps you needed to take to become a happier healthier person. You are truly a strong person to admit your actions and hold yourself accountable for them. I am sure this entire board would love to hear of your progress and support you. Like primal this post really affected me and I am really pulling for you 110%, (i do for everyone on this board and suffering from addiction in general, but you are EXACTLY where I was and I just want you to know how much better life can be, and not short change yourself or the world from being the person you can truly become).

Harry01854

Coming Clean, I guess everyone has to reach a point, to some extent, that they become willing to get clean. What you went through is probably what you needed to get you to the point where you are now.

The best thing is, your alive and now you know that no matter what, you want to live more than you want to die.

Keep coming and sharing, we need you as much as you need us.

Thanks for sharing, I appreciate it.

Harry