Trying not to awfulize
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Trying not to awfulize
It's a bad habit I have that I've been working on...it's gotten better, but sometimes it gets away from me, and I need someone to yank me back down to the Real World.
My Child Support saga continues...
The Quebec CS office has located XAH, located his employer, and has spoken with XAH. Custody was granted on May 31st; he's 800$ in arrears and owes 225$ a month in child support. He supposedly wants to make a "payment arrangement" with them, whereby he would pay his monthly CS + 50$ in arrears (so about 275$ a month). He says he'll be "sending in his payments". Yeah right. I don't trust that for one second. He's the king of "I'm not paying for that". Apparently, the CS office can accept that sort of payment agreement IF I agree as well.
I refused.
Even though I know that the CS office can go after him once he's skipped out on 2 months of CS, I know it'll take quite some time for them to get their act together and go after his paychecks.
I know XAH and I know how many bills he's skipped on, how many people he's swindled, how many times he's been evicted, how many credit cards he's blown, etc. Heck, I spent months post-separation cleaning up *my* credit from all the damage *he* did to it, because he believes that he "doesn't owe society anything" since he's "better than all of those despicable humans".
I insisted on deductions at source, and since XAH is in arrears, I get to dictate how things are going to go. So that's what the CS office is going to do.
I'm scared though. I know that once the CS office sets XAH's employer in their system to deduct at source, one of three things can happen:
a) he'll contact me in a rage demanding x,y,z...or worse, demanding to see DD again
b) he'll harass/threaten my family
c) he'll find a way to leave the province, but not before a) & b)
I know this is just a bit of awfulizing, but it's hard to hold myself steady when I know something bad is about to happen to XAH and the main cause for his troubles is me (well, in his mind anyway).
Can someone slap some sense into me please?
My Child Support saga continues...
The Quebec CS office has located XAH, located his employer, and has spoken with XAH. Custody was granted on May 31st; he's 800$ in arrears and owes 225$ a month in child support. He supposedly wants to make a "payment arrangement" with them, whereby he would pay his monthly CS + 50$ in arrears (so about 275$ a month). He says he'll be "sending in his payments". Yeah right. I don't trust that for one second. He's the king of "I'm not paying for that". Apparently, the CS office can accept that sort of payment agreement IF I agree as well.
I refused.
Even though I know that the CS office can go after him once he's skipped out on 2 months of CS, I know it'll take quite some time for them to get their act together and go after his paychecks.
I know XAH and I know how many bills he's skipped on, how many people he's swindled, how many times he's been evicted, how many credit cards he's blown, etc. Heck, I spent months post-separation cleaning up *my* credit from all the damage *he* did to it, because he believes that he "doesn't owe society anything" since he's "better than all of those despicable humans".
I insisted on deductions at source, and since XAH is in arrears, I get to dictate how things are going to go. So that's what the CS office is going to do.
I'm scared though. I know that once the CS office sets XAH's employer in their system to deduct at source, one of three things can happen:
a) he'll contact me in a rage demanding x,y,z...or worse, demanding to see DD again
b) he'll harass/threaten my family
c) he'll find a way to leave the province, but not before a) & b)
I know this is just a bit of awfulizing, but it's hard to hold myself steady when I know something bad is about to happen to XAH and the main cause for his troubles is me (well, in his mind anyway).
Can someone slap some sense into me please?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Oh you poor thing. Despite not having kids with my ex, I know a little about that waiting for the poop to hit the fan with him. I can't imagine how much more ramped up it must be for you.
There is a d) he'll accept his responsibilities, you know? I know that's unlikely, but it has to be on the list too.
So, what's your plan if a-c happen?
There is a d) he'll accept his responsibilities, you know? I know that's unlikely, but it has to be on the list too.
So, what's your plan if a-c happen?
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
I used to do this all the time as well. My axw used to threaten me after I got sole custody of LMC....."You don't have enough money to fight me for her the rest of your life", was my "favorite" and one of her last. That was around 3.5 years ago.
The reality, she's hasn't worked in over 5 years, and is probably going to drink her self to death at the age of 40.
They are alcoholics, they make a lot of promises, and they make a lot of threats.
Where they all fall down is in "the follow through". It's just words, and words without action=quacking.
If he told you he was gonna send you a cs check next week for $200, would you believe it would ever happen? So why would we believe they would actually "follow through" on any threats.......it's just words. Words can't hurt us unless we allow it.
You may very well NEVER get your money, but the chances of him doing anything other than throwing a tantrum are zip, IMHO.
We don't have to be afraid of them any more, O.K.?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
The reality, she's hasn't worked in over 5 years, and is probably going to drink her self to death at the age of 40.
They are alcoholics, they make a lot of promises, and they make a lot of threats.
Where they all fall down is in "the follow through". It's just words, and words without action=quacking.
If he told you he was gonna send you a cs check next week for $200, would you believe it would ever happen? So why would we believe they would actually "follow through" on any threats.......it's just words. Words can't hurt us unless we allow it.
You may very well NEVER get your money, but the chances of him doing anything other than throwing a tantrum are zip, IMHO.
We don't have to be afraid of them any more, O.K.?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
They are alcoholics, they make a lot of promises, and they make a lot of threats.
Where they all fall down is in "the follow through". It's just words, and words without action=quacking.
Where they all fall down is in "the follow through". It's just words, and words without action=quacking.
Any calls he makes that are threatening tell him you are recording him.
He can choose to continue, or not.
But when it comes to child support, he will not do anything, other than try to avoid it.
My ex owes me beyond $30,000, nothing has happened to him yet, but he moved to Louisiana too.
I need to find out if he is getting SS money for his back and hand injuries, that can be taken out of a lump sum owed to him!
*****!
Dont worry noday, he will back down and back off like always.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I guess this news comes as a bit of a shock because I'd assumed that since I was dealing with a government office, nothing would ever happen. XAH has been out of my life for several months now, and I'm very happy with the arrangement. Aside from a few random emails, he's been quiet and hasn't made a move. Fine with me!
But the CS office is moving forward whether I like it or not. They're slowly tightening their grip around his neck. Apparently, the CS compliance rate in Quebec in 80%, so I guess their tactics must be efficient. And what they are doing might bring XAH back into my life, which I really don't want. It's almost akin to rediscovering an old ugly scar on the back of your calf or somewhere you don't look often and realizing "Oh, it's still there. Yuck. Still ugly".
But the CS office is moving forward whether I like it or not. They're slowly tightening their grip around his neck. Apparently, the CS compliance rate in Quebec in 80%, so I guess their tactics must be efficient. And what they are doing might bring XAH back into my life, which I really don't want. It's almost akin to rediscovering an old ugly scar on the back of your calf or somewhere you don't look often and realizing "Oh, it's still there. Yuck. Still ugly".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Oh I don't want the money. I don't need it though if I got it I'd put it in a savings account for DD. But I don't want it because of the crap it might bring me.
But the CS office will continue going after him whether I like it or not.
But the CS office will continue going after him whether I like it or not.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
don't accept his calls, any numbers come up blocked, don't take them, any numbers you don't know: let them go to voicemail: he wants to contact you about DD, he gets a lawyer and he takes you to court, if he somehow gets through to your phone: "write to my lawyer" and put the phone down. how LIKELY is that? He may well be mad. tough. you don't have to listen to it. He has a responsibility to provide for his child. You don't have to worry about it, although I know that is hard. If he leaves threatening messages; prosecute him (restraining order? I don't know the terminology in quebec). If you are scared take (legal) steps to protect yourself.
((ND))
((ND))
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Am I remembering correctly that this is not the first child this man has refused to be a proper parent of??
Maybe you refused the payments out of anger at him. Maybe you refused the payments because you know the man and you know they'll never see a dime doing a payment plan.
Ultimately it is CS that is pursueing him. They didn't have to come to you. That is just their procedure. You did not seek this out it is an obligation of his that is coming up to bite him in the behind. Step aside and let that happen.
Despite it being out of your hands, you're concerned about his lashing out and that is understandable. Remember to play the tape forward. How has he handled blaming others before? Does he bluster and send nasty notes and eventually simmer down if noone responds? Does he come crashing over the house requring the authorities be called?
If nothing ever became of all your worry before, then remind your family he could be on the warpath and stay no contact. If I recall correctly, he has not car, no money, and is too much of a coward to make it all the way to the courthouse to stand up for his fatherly rights. Keep up the no contact and use your email delete button liberally.
Bets to you,
Alice
Maybe you refused the payments out of anger at him. Maybe you refused the payments because you know the man and you know they'll never see a dime doing a payment plan.
Ultimately it is CS that is pursueing him. They didn't have to come to you. That is just their procedure. You did not seek this out it is an obligation of his that is coming up to bite him in the behind. Step aside and let that happen.
Despite it being out of your hands, you're concerned about his lashing out and that is understandable. Remember to play the tape forward. How has he handled blaming others before? Does he bluster and send nasty notes and eventually simmer down if noone responds? Does he come crashing over the house requring the authorities be called?
If nothing ever became of all your worry before, then remind your family he could be on the warpath and stay no contact. If I recall correctly, he has not car, no money, and is too much of a coward to make it all the way to the courthouse to stand up for his fatherly rights. Keep up the no contact and use your email delete button liberally.
Bets to you,
Alice
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
As I read this I'm remembering when you first came here. You didn't know if he was an alcoholic. You wanted to help your step son and tried, but your AH blamed you and that turned into a fiasco.
You were scared you were to leave him. But you did.
You were afraid to go to court, but you did.
Now he's out of your life and you're happier , no surprise, but you still have some fear to work through.
Now the courts are holding him accountable, which is a beautiuful thing. Not your problem. Not your business.
I've heard stories of absolute bravery from Elders who were sent to boarding schools, prisoners of war, folks in horrific situations who didn't lose their ability to be happy in the moment, right where they stood, even if it was a rice field in Cambodia with guns pointed at them.
He's gone Sweetheart. Let that fear go.
Look at how brave you've already been!
You were scared you were to leave him. But you did.
You were afraid to go to court, but you did.
Now he's out of your life and you're happier , no surprise, but you still have some fear to work through.
Now the courts are holding him accountable, which is a beautiuful thing. Not your problem. Not your business.
I've heard stories of absolute bravery from Elders who were sent to boarding schools, prisoners of war, folks in horrific situations who didn't lose their ability to be happy in the moment, right where they stood, even if it was a rice field in Cambodia with guns pointed at them.
He's gone Sweetheart. Let that fear go.
Look at how brave you've already been!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yes,if he arrives home, call the police- if he calls, ask him to call your lawyer- listen to Jen! you are not helpless.
Its great you don't need the money but this is about a dad's responsibility towards the child-its not about YOU...
Nothing bad is about to happen to XAH, maybe he sees it that way, and that is why its a XAH. How sad for a man to have kids and feel "insulted" when he is asked for the least he can do- support his kid financially. I am glad you left. I agree it is a brave thing to do.
Its great you don't need the money but this is about a dad's responsibility towards the child-its not about YOU...
Nothing bad is about to happen to XAH, maybe he sees it that way, and that is why its a XAH. How sad for a man to have kids and feel "insulted" when he is asked for the least he can do- support his kid financially. I am glad you left. I agree it is a brave thing to do.
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