keepinon

If so maybe I need to. We have made the decision to pick up our daughter this weekend from her rehab and move her to her sober living facility. She is 18 and this is her 2nd rehab in under a year.
Her 30 days isn't up till Tue. and we want to take her out on Sat because my husband has missed SO MUCH WORK this year. Also, I just had hip surgery last Fri at Stanford which is 3 hrs one way from us and I have to go back for a recheck on Thur. I do not want to do back to back long car drives..we are taking AD from Santa Cruz to Fresno.
The rehab is giving us a hard time..I honestly think they really want the 3 more days of cash, but maybe I am being harsh.
My car just went in for new transmission, had this surgery, and the rehab.. totals over 10,000 out of pocket in 5 weeks! I feel like I need to do what is best for ME and my family. If I thought 3 days was going to make any difference in her recovery I wouldn't do it, but come on! I am broke, tired, and exhausted (apparently whiny and looking for pity as well!)ARRGGGHH!

Impurrfect

(((Keepinon))) - I think you're doing what's best for YOU!! I agree.. I don't think 3 days is going to make that much of a difference (if any), and you're taking her to a sober living facility. You've had a rough time, lately, with surgery and all, and you DON'T need to be going on long drives back-to-back. Of course, this is just MY opinion, but I can't see where doing what's best for you is a bad thing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

keepinon

:ghug3 Thanks Amy!Its that guilt thing..sometimes enough is enough though!

chicory

Well Keepinon, you have had a week haven't you!
Sweetie, I'd bet my life savings ( a hot wheel collection and a few meaningless diamond wedding rings) that you will make the right choices.
I can't imagine riding for long, after having hip surgery- OUCH
When it rains.......

so good to have you back.

keeping you and sweet daughter in my prayers.

You know, it is a good thing, when you find a group of folks who are so awesome, and you have a whole new reason to spend more time with God. wow.
big hugs,
chicory

tjp613

Hell no 3 days isn't going to make any difference! If it's that big of a deal then let her figure out how to get there. Greyhound runs thru there, don't it?

Spiritual Seeker

No guilt needed...do what is best for you.

Ann

Put down the guilt stick, it only makes sense that if you are to pick her up at all and take her, this is what needs to be done.

A pox on anyone who makes you feel guilty. She's lucky you paid for rehab at all, and if she is going to a sober living house, then her recovery can continue there just as well as at rehab.

Hugs

keepinon

AD is all for leaving.. rhab wants her to "have a sense of completion' . They also wanted us to come back after she had been released, bring her back too and do the 3 day family program that we couldn't do becuase it was the weekend of my surgery. I'm sure it's an awesome program, but we did drive 6 hrs round trip 6 weeks in a row for the OTHER family program at her previous rehab. I go to alanon 2 x a week, we've done lots of therapy, but i still feel a little guilty that we are not going to this family week..yet also incredibly relevied! Just gonn ahave to let this go..driving myself crazy.Who knew she was gonna wanna get sober in the middle of my health stuff i have had scheduled! Am so grateful, please don't get me wrong, but the demands on US (her dad and I) are nutty w/getting her in, visiting, getting the sober living, PAYING for it, working, and recovering from surgery. i am going to stop whining now..felt good to get it out, thanks for letting me boohoo..will focus on my blessings now and get over my minibreakdown!

ready2learn

My opinion is that three days might have been critical at the time she entered rehab...you have to jump on it while they're ready...but at the end, and to take her to the next step in her recovery - I just can't see how you should feel guilty. It's too bad you have to miss the family program, but hey, life happens. You are involved in other programs to help you, and surely the rehab center could recommend some resources for families, i.e., reading, groups, etc. Don't give in to the temptation to think you're failing your AD if you had to take a couple of shortcuts. In the real world she's going to return to, she must understand that most people can't/won't live their lives to fulfill her needs. She's gotta learn to make the best of the opportunities she's offered, and to appreciate the efforts and sacrifices of those who love her. A big part of growing up is learning to give back. Hope your recovery from surgery goes well. Pray for AD and focus on YOU for a while.

sojourner

Is there some kind of ceremony at the end? Just what is it that your daughter will miss? If there is something special, can the weekend staff put something together that would simulate that? I am on the side of completion, I understand the importance of ceremony.

Having said that, I also understand that we can make our plans (as in, the rehab can make their plans), but then life does get in the way sometimes. You've got a pretty full plate, and your health needs to trump everything.

Is there someone else who could pick her up on her completion date? Anybody other family member? A friend? Perhaps even someone your daughter could contact herself for a ride? I know she's only 18 - maybe not assertive enough to do that. But if someone else does do that for you, you could always catch up with her later after she's in the new living arrangement. I know this weekend is coming up fast and there might not be enough time to check that out.

Just some thoughts. Hope it helps. If it does not then "take what you need and leave the rest."

kiki5711

If you let her, your daughter will wrap your life up around her no matter what you're going through. If you don't take care of yourself, nobody will.

I was going through chemo for two cancers and my daughter kept drinking and ended up in jail while I (sick as hell) had to take care of my grandaughter (her daughter) and send her money for stuff while in there, and I don't remember if she even asked me once, How I was doing. But she made it loud and clear for me to know (every time she called collect) of how she was doing.

That kid drove me drink with all the **** she put me through. I really believe that all that stress over the years contributed to my physical illness.

Take care of yourself.

hello-kitty

We are each responsible for our own lives - our own recoveries.

I hope yours goes well after your hip surgery and your daughter's goes well after getting out of rehab.

keepinon

I am just getting to the point of feeling depleted in every way, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. Sounds like I need to work harder on my own recovery. It is a trigger for me when I have to hold a boundary and say "NO, I can't do that". And who am i holding a boundary with? The lady at rehab that I've talked 2 twice..so why do I care so uch what she thinks? Why do I not only want everyone to understand my decision, but agree with it?The "good mother" theme..I had better give it my all so I can say I did EVERYTHING I could to help my AD..ohhh (I am making myself sick just typing this, I would be for sure telling other people to LET IT GO! But I am terminally unique and MUST sacrifice everything to save someone else.and THEN resent the s%&t out of them.)Wow..when I put it like this..pathetic.

Chino

I used to do that because I wanted approval. I became aware of it when a friend asked me why I still wanted my mother's approval, and I was 22 at the time. He very accurately pointed out that MY approval was the most important thing, since I was an adult and should be answering to myself. I'm 46 years old and finally breaking that habit 24 years later.

Kindeyes

Well.....I think that if the lady at the rehab feels that those three days are so very important, perhaps she would be willing to get your daughter to her sober living facility. Or perhaps she can help you arrange to have someone else get her there. Or can they keep her there a few days over to allow you to do it the following weekend?

If not, then you have to do what YOU have to do. No guilt attached.

We've been wrapping our lives around the addict for so very long. Codies UNITE!

Seriously.....I loved Ann's comment.....a POX on anyone who tries to make you feel guilty. You do what you need to do for YOU. The continuation of your daughter's recovery is really in her ball court.

I hope that your hip is recovering well and that you are in no pain.

gentle hugs

sojourner

Keepinon: There was a local popular psychiatrist (maybe psychologist) around here by the name of Sonya Friedman who once said (and i might be butchering it):

"Sometimes the hard part about being an adult is making decisions that make us comfortable while it makes others uncomfortable." Sounds like that is what you are struggling with.

If your daughter's addiction could have been solved by loving her, she would have come out of this a long time ago. It sounds like from your post that you really need to pick her up this weekend, take her to her new digs, and get back home to recuperate... so go for it! And maybe planning something nice for yourself (and your hubby?) after you are done moving the daughter would get you through this weekend easier.

Hope that helps.

Serenity Bound

STOP....No More Guilt for you. You need to take care of you. IMO, you've done all you could, now it is up to your AD.

Hugs from another mom,
Chris