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I've changed my mind

Old 09-15-2010, 02:38 PM
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I've changed my mind

...in so many ways. I use to feel nothing but disdain for addicts/alkies. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me for being so shallow. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, and I wish I could hold you in my arms, and make it all better. Since I can't do that, know that by educating people, you're changing the world, one person at a time.

Thank you all so much for opening my eyes.
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:05 PM
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You speak of being shallow, Torment...when I considered going to my first group meeting, I thought this way. I thought they were all going to be seedy drunks who you would likely see on the street with a brown paper bag in their hand. I thought they were below where I could possibly have ever been. You know what? They are all just like me, alcoholics who need help and they are all very kind and warm and helpful because they know just what I am going through. We may all look different from one another or live in a different house or have a different family but we all share one common bond. Once you realize that you are not above them and that they know what a fellow alcoholic is going through and once one admits that they too are what they thought of alkies in some ways, they will realize that they are no longer alone.

None of us here are alone any longer because we have reached out to others like ourselves. If you look at it from this point of view it helps and I bet helps your daughter.

D.
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:09 PM
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Thank you for saying that. How I wish certain people in my life could feel the same.
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Old 09-15-2010, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by mama36 View Post
You speak of being shallow, Torment...when I considered going to my first group meeting, I thought this way. I thought they were all going to be seedy drunks who you would likely see on the street with a brown paper bag in their hand. I thought they were below where I could possibly have ever been. You know what? They are all just like me, alcoholics who need help and they are all very kind and warm and helpful because they know just what I am going through. We may all look different from one another or live in a different house or have a different family but we all share one common bond. Once you realize that you are not above them and that they know what you are going through and once you admit that you are what you think that they are in some ways, you will realize that you are no longer alone.

None of us here are alone any longer because we have reached out to others like ourselves.

D.
I'm seeing that, I'm learning, and I'm a better person for it. I wish words could convey the appreciation I have for all of you. I read your experiences, read about your tough days, how hard it is for you sometimes, and I have a whole new respect for what you're going through. All I want to do now is say something that will help just one person get through a bad day.
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Old 09-15-2010, 05:25 PM
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Thanks for your post!

One of the things we, as alcoholics have to learn to deal with, is that there are many negative preconceptions about us. I am really glad that you have chosen to look at this disease from the perspective of the struggling addict.
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Old 09-15-2010, 06:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
Thank you for saying that. How I wish certain people in my life could feel the same.
Amen to that!
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Old 09-15-2010, 07:01 PM
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Will Rogers used to say, "I've never met a man [person?] I didn't like." I wouldn't go that far but I will say this: If I were to look around for a really nice, sensitive and essentially good person, I think that a lot of the time I would be finding an alcoholic. Maybe a lot of them drink because they are that way and the world has hurt them somehow. AA tells us that they drink because they have "character defects". Whether their "defects" cause or are caused by their drinking is a complicated and controversial question (maybe the truth is somewhere on both sides). But some have many other good qualities. I've met some truly admirable folks in the rooms.

W.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:14 PM
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Hope you keep getting help for yourself tormentedmirror:-)

In active addiction and in dry spells i was a liar, cheat, thief, selfish etc...the world revolved around me and anyone i came in contact with was definitely not better off for it...that said i always had "good intentions" and was certain that i wasn't that bad a guy, i mean it's not like i was killing anyone?!

In hindsight it was impossible to actually have a meaningful relationship with another human being because i didn't have a clue who i was, didn't really know how i felt and at the end of the day i didn't really care...so numerous declarations of love and friendship really meant nothing to me...although i had learned how to go through the motions so for all intents and purposes could at times seem quite sane and mature...

Alcohol became my friend, lover, child, higher power...not really any room for anyone or anything else...

It's great that you don't feel disdain for alchies/addicts...getting rid of resentments is always a real move forward but do stay away from those of us who aren't recovered in the future and save yourself a lot of hurt;-)
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:23 PM
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If I had self-control over my drinking, then I would probably hold the same views that you once did. I would find nothing but contempt for the self-destructive behavior that alcoholics/addicts bring upon themselves and others. Its baffling why anyone would bring self-afflicted problems upon themselves to the degree that alcoholics/addicts do.

That is why I find putting other recovering alcoholics/addicts into my life a key part of my sobriety. They understand what's up and can relate. I think it is hard for "normal" people to be empathetic about self-destructive addictions. Even if they are not so-called "shallow", I am not sure they can fully understand. Perhaps, if they lived with one firsthand and experienced the madness.

Thanks for you post.
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:46 PM
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Thanks for the post, I have never really felt disdain, only extreme sadness. That one thing we have to give that is free is love & understanding and yet, not even this, is able to cure our alkies or addicts and we have to helplessly watch them slowly destroy everything, they have worked so hard for in their lives, I stand by my AH, and pray for him to get better, at this moment, I have lost the man I married, but, I know HP, has a plan and a purpose for all of us! I lost my dad to A, at age 15, no one cared how he was feeling inside! My AH is fast approaching that same age my AD died and every day I have this awful feeling... but, if im here, perhaps I can change something... just for today! Thinking of u all. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 09-16-2010, 05:31 AM
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I was in Al-Anon for a LONG time before my own drinking became alcoholic. During that time I went to a lot of AA meetings, had hung out with innumerable people in the program, including sponsors and sponsees, and even though it was hard for me to admit that *I* needed AA because I, too, had become an alcoholic, it did ultimately lower my resistance to going for myself. I also found that the more I knew about alcoholism, the easier it was for me to accept that what the alcoholics in my life did--their choices and behavior--had relatively little to do with me. The best I could hope to do was to not become part of the problem. I could get out of the way and let them work their program without micromanaging their recovery.

Although it's clear to me that other people in the alcoholic's life didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it, it is also clear to me that the other people in the alcoholic's life can be of great help by refusing to make it easy for the alcoholic to continue to drink without consequences, by taking care of themselves regardless what choices the alcoholic makes, and, in recovery, by being encouraging and supportive.

Although I had to leave my second husband due to his return to drinking after almost dying from it, I was able to do it with relatively little bitterness toward him (though I was pretty ticked off at the disease!).

Understanding on both "sides" of the problem helps a lot.

Thanks for your post.
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Old 09-16-2010, 06:27 AM
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Here's my take:

Alcohol doesn't discriminate. It poisons folks from the ghettos to the largest mansions. It ignores borders, space and time. It got me and I look like the average middle class dude that goes to the office in the morning working 8-5. It gets homeless people, college students, doctors, old people, young people and everything in between. It's everywhere - on tv commercials, in the supermarkets, and billboards right down the road. *sighs*
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Old 09-16-2010, 06:40 AM
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At the last company I worked for, there was a woman who used to always smell like alchohol. I had heard of some things she had done when she had gotten drunk at a friends house one night. She sent me an email the following Monday, saying how sorry she was that she had behaved the way she had, and said she hoped that it wouldn't have an impact on our friendship. We weren't good friends by any stretch, but we had spent some time together. I wrote her back and said I didn't want to be in the middle of it and that it had nothing to do with me, but it did. I lost all respect for her after I heard what she did at my friends house.

Even watching her recover after joining AA, I couldn't respect her. To me, she was just a nasty person. I now have a greater appreciation for her struggle.
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Old 09-16-2010, 07:07 AM
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You know what scares me, is when I find myself having those feelings even today. Recently a friend was extremely hungover at work and said she didn't want to be a drunk. Instead of offering to talk with her about what she was going through, I kinda blew it off in this holier-than-thou manner. Paraphrasing, but I believe I said something like, "Then stop drinking. You didn't have to go out last night. Just stop being a moron."

I guess now that I have almost 6 months without the booze, I somehow think it's easy for other people to put down the bottle. I mean, I'm not really tormented by it any longer, so no one else should be, right?

But then I remember that it took me a long time and many mistakes to get here. Don't know how many times I said the exact same things she was saying to me, and here I was telling her to basically suck it up.

Upon realizing this, I approached her in a much more understanding way. Everyone at work knows I don't drink, and most people know why. I just told her that her life didn't have to be like that, it feels awesome to wake up every morning without a hangover, and if she ever needed anyone to talk I'd be there. I have to keep in mind that it took me many years of wanting to quit and being a no-good drunk before the light bulb went off.
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