Omega10

I have a big problem with forgiving people who have wronged me and have not apologized to me, or at minimum acknowledged their wrongdoing or misgiving. In fact, all my negative feelings can be traced back in one way, shape, or form to a perceived wrongdoing by someone else who won't admit what they have done.

Logically, I know it is wrong to be this way, but my darned emotional self gets the better of me. And if I don't allow myself to process emotions, I will seek escape from them ie pick up a drink, or two, or a bottle thereof.

I'm trying to work through this. My logical self says:
1. You can't change the past.
2. You can't control another person.
3. You can only control how you feel and how you react today.
4. Would it really make a difference if the person owned up to their misdeed?

My emotional self says:
1. This person wronged me. I can't trust them, even though a thousand times since then they have proven they are trustworthy.
2. I am afraid that the past will repeat itself.

My logical self says:
1. You can't control the future.
2. You can't control the other person.

My emotional self says:
1. Screw him/her, I am p*ssed off. And being p*ssed off somehow is making me happy.

My logical self says:
1. How happy are you really, when you are consuming yourself with anger?
2. The only person you are really hurting in the situation is yourself.
3. Get over it and move on.

My emotional self says:
1. I don't want to get over it.
2. I can't move on.

My logical self says:
1. This is hopeless.

My emotional self says:
1. Screw you, logical self.

And nothing gets resolved.

How do I get myself out of this? How can I convince myself to let go of this anger, resentment, and hope for atonement that will never come? How can I still feel these feelings, but finally come to resolution?

My logical self knows it needs to be done, but my emotional self won't let me.

I was hoping someone out there may be able to tell me how you managed to forgive without receiving or requiring an apology.

Dee74

Is whatever the person did worth this much effort Omega10?

if yes - then you need to cut them out of your life.

if no - then you need to let. it. go.

Think about all the good things in your life, count your blessings.

Try and put whatever this is into perspective

Your life is what you make it - not what someone else does.

D

Fandy

when you find the answer please let me know because i have had almost the EXACT same conversation with myself too many times.

suki44883

I look at forgiveness as something internal...something that goes on inside of me. Forgiving someone to me means that I do not allow that thing to fester inside of me and cause me any more grief or heartache. I've forgiven people for things and never even told them they were forgiven. It's not for them. It's for me.

Anna

I really had to take a good, hard look at the people in my life when I began to recover.

Forgiving someone is often something that is done in stages and doesn't happen all at once. I honestly think that it can be very hard to do, but keep in mind that you are doing it for yourself.

coffeenut

I agree with Suki. For example, what if the person that wronged you is dead? How you deal with it is entirely in your court.

I'm not making light of your question...as this is one that I have been dealing with.

Lots of good ideas here. I wish you well.

Omega10

I think I figured it out in the end.

My need for the apology stems from my anger about a situation where I felt I was wrongfully blamed for something that happened a year ago. My anger is a response to fear of the consequences from being blamed for the situation. The fear of consequence stems from my childhood where I was not allowed to stand up for myself. I also chose to stay silent at the time because that is what I have always done. By staying silent at the time, I accepted the blame and responsibility for what happened when I should have stood up for myself.

So today, a similar situation has presented itself, where I am afraid that I am going to be blamed for a particular situation. Except that the situation has not yet happened, and I don't even know if it will happen. In response to my fear, I tried to protect myself by getting angry, and dredging up the past unresolved hurt.

I am ultimately to blame in the situation since I have allowed my fear to take control of me. I should have resolved the past hurt at the time it happened, but I chose not to at the time. Now it is for me to deal with the consequences, own my part in all this, put it back in the past where it belongs, and move forward from here. I now know how to forgive because I have taken responsibility and ownership of my part in the situation.

Don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me and is helping me work it all out.

topspin

Omega,
Once , I recieved an apology for a tragic personal event. I still could'nt forgive the person till some years later. Only when I could process how that "done me wrong" feeling was actually just more poison fueling the "angry guy" and medicating it all with more booze; ...was i finally able to feel forgiveness. A freeing experience.


Once I heard (and believe today ) that if I knew just ONE THING about a person's life, unknown to me, .....it's very likely I may change my opinion of them.

My logical mind reminds me not to judge people, but my irrational mind just loves to jump to judge; .....it's something I may have to work on for some time to come, I guess.

Hope you can find your way through this.

.

LexieCat

Omega,

It makes perfect sense to me. I didn't respond because I would have told you all the things your "logical self" was already saying, so you KNEW them already. What you did was to pin down what YOU were doing (projecting something that hadn't even happened yet) that was causing you to hold onto that emotion from the past.

Excellent job! That's owning your part in the resentment. Maybe now you can let go of it, since you got the message.

CarolD

Glad you worked out the situation ...

augustwest

seems like a lot of energy expenditure for something you have no control over. i had to learn that forgiveness is ultimately for me. accept the situation and my role in it, change what about me that i can/need to, and let it go. gotta keep it moving in recovery.

luckedog

WOW!! If I only had the time to go into real detail about me own personal experiences with this same issue.
Allow me to shorten the story to only a few lines; My current wife at about 6 years and two children, Had an affair with a man we worked with. It was short term and was strictly physical. When I found out about it I was devastated! Hurt deeply, as I truly trusted her! After the initial shock and anger ect.ect.. I wanted her to admit it and seek my forgiveness, neither of which she was able to do! The resentment within me went on for a year or longer. My choice was clear I could either divorce her and move on with my life, or I could FORGIVE her (even though I didn’t think she deserve it). It was a struggle but I chose to forgive her, love her and continue to build our family. I am still convinced I made the right decision! We will soon celebrate our 26th anniversary. We have never been more in love and I can’t imagine life without her. As far as your emotional voice and your logical self, sometimes you may just have to tell them to “shut up”.
As far as people I don’t have an intimate relationship with. I try to use the same logic I do all within my power to forgive them (that way resentment doesn’t build up in me) and the rest is up to them. There are some folks I just prefer not to hang around. In my opinion it takes the grace of God to truly keep an unforgiving attitude out of our hearts.

AWOL

I had a good friend who was happily married to a lovely woman. They had two small kids, lived in a happy home and appeared to be the ideal couple. I really liked them both. One night they held a party at their house. Way, way too much alcohol was consumed and my friend's wife did the unthinkable: she was unfaithful with a party guest. He didn't find out about it, until she, overcome by guilt and shame, confessed several weeks later.

It was too much for him -- he walked out of the house and never returned. That was 30 years ago.He was never able to forgive her. The net result: he ended up on the street and died an alcoholic. The kids grew up without a dad. And the mom? She carried the burden of guilt for messing up her children's lives and lost her husband for life because of one act of indiscretion. To me that story adds a new dimension to forgiveness.

Maybe there is some truth in the saying: To err is human; to forgive is divine.

Omega10

Thank you everyone for your feedback! I am still growing in my sobriety and dealing with a lot of emotional issues - how to feel the emotions, and more importantly how to resolve the emotions. I really appreciate your support, as it always helps me to talk things out and get other people's perspectives.

Keepcomingback, I really like the notes that you shared on anger - they hit the nail on the head for me.

Thanks again,
~Omega

loveon2legs

I had a what I thought was a good friend, until he decided to steal my brand new camera and some gift cards from me at Christmas time...I hadn't seen him since, he didnt come around or offer an apology or anything.. but, my friend was in a sober house, and low and behold there was my "good friend"..... he was very sheepish...didn't say much to me, and didn't offer any sort of apology... I'm glad I bumped into him...he hurt me really bad...but by seeing him I was able to let it go...I can't say I forgive him but it's not eating me up inside anymore...he will never be a part of my life again though....but I don't have any ill feelings anymore....

keithj

This is exactly how the AA program treats those resentments. All those perceived wrongs done to me are dominating me, controlling my life.

The program lays out a way of dealing with those resentments, and getting free of them.

I learned to forgive by making restitution for my own wrong doings. So, that's how I dealt and deal with those things.