Bolina

Was reading through some of my bookmarked links today, and found this one that I thought might help some posters. I know that similar explanations helped me when I was in the thick of it. Dynamics of Abuse
Lots to read on that site, but I picked this out as being particularly interesting.

TENSION BUILDING -
Tension starts and steadily builds
Abuser starts to get angry
Communication breaks down
Victim feels the need to concede to the abuser
Tension becomes too much
Victim feels uneasy and a need to watch every move


INCIDENT or "Acting Out" phase
Any type of abuse occurs
Physical
Sexual
Emotional
Or other abuses in the wheel shown on Wheel of Power and Control

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims

CALM before the tension starts again.
Abuses slow or stop
Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
Promises made during honeymoon stage may be met
Abuser may give gifts to victim
Victim believes or wants to believe the abuse is over or the abuser will change


Some good threads on similar topics are:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-triangle.html

At one point, my life seemed so chaotic, unpredictable and very stressful. I couldn't understand why my then fiance could be mean, disrespectful and argumentative one day and then be so nice on others. Why couldn't he be nice all the time? I remember someone asking me if I would stay if he was horrible all of the time and I snorted in response and said of course not. Then the penny started dropping......

TakingCharge999

HONEYMOON or Reconciliation phase
Abuser apologizes for abuse, some beg forgiveness or show sorrows
Abuser may promise it will never happen again
Blames victim for provoking the abuse or denies abuse occurred
Minimizing, denying or claiming the abuse wasn't as bad as victim claims


UGH. XABF met all 4. I am glad that is over. Thanks for the reminder.
I had never met anyone who said "it will never happen again!" so many times.
Most of the people I met before never did anything that required those words.
This disease is horrible.

Live

thanks so much

I consider alcoholism and abuse to be two different sets of problems

Sometimes the things that we think are codie are actually survival techniques when faced with abuse.

LaTeeDa

I also make the distinction between alcoholism and abuse. But, if you look at the phases of the cycle, they are the same. My AH was never physically abusive, but the pattern was the same. He would periodically "cross the line" with his behaviors. I would threaten to leave, he would "behave" for a while, promising it would never happen again--until it happened again.

The real benefit for me was recognizing the pattern (with some help from my therapist ). Then I could look at the reality of what was going on rather than deluding myself that "this time" things would be different.

L

Bolina

Apols for bumping but I have had a few more thoughts on this.

I did this.

I got agitated when he drank
He realised this.
He did what he could to hide it from me
I didn't know what to say (and vice versa)
He hid his drinking from me
(tension building)

I got angry when he drank.
I witheld affection
I controlled money
I was suspicious
I threw objects
I made all the big decisions
I witheld sex
(Acting Out)

I made up with him (after his heartfelt admissions)
I blamed him
I made out it was justified
We both promised each other that things would be different
(Honeymoon)

And then all was rosy. For the cycle to begin again.....

If only (!) I had realised that he was doing something legal but it wasn't something I wanted a part of......