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How to Climb Out of a Hole.. God I need help...

Old 09-13-2010, 08:43 AM
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How to Climb Out of a Hole.. God I need help...

Hey Everyone,

I am fairly new to the site. I have been reading for a couple of months. But, I finally thought I would create an account and put some stuff out there about myself.

I have thought about getting sober many times in my life. I have put forth some effort but never really enought to stay on it longer then a month at a time. This time this is it... I have been sober now for just a few days. But, still a major work in progress.

Last week I made a really bad decision. I went out got drunk and slept with a total stranger. It wasn't something I intended to do. It was something that happened.

The problem is that I have been happily married for over 6 years. I have been fighting wit myself... do I tell my husband... don't I tell my husband. The guilt is killing me. But, it was a one time thing ... that I have never done before on anyone I have ever dated. And, it isn't something I would ever do again. So, do I tell my husband and lose all the trust that we have in each other? Or do I just sit on it... and nurse my own guilt... and remember that it was my decision... and I have to take responsiblity for my own life.

I really am torn... and in need of some help...

Thanks,
SHMNBN
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:01 AM
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Just a quick note. I am in therapy and do have someone who is helping me through all of this. So, I feel like the slippery slope I am on is atleast at incline that isn't going to overwhelm me.

My therapist said when I play the tapes in my head that tell myself what a bad and horrible person I am... that I need to add "because of my descisions to drink alcoholic"... I have been sober now for 3 days. And, while that is a big deal... I still feel this tight knot in my throat and the pit of my stomach... and I am not sure how to deal with that part.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:09 AM
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I read this in Your Sacred Self by Wayne Dyer. Release the guilt by forgiving yourself and vowing to avoid that kind of conduct in the future. You do not need the guilt, unless you are going to allow your ego to continue its dominance over your life.
I am sorry you are having a hard time. Stick around SR, the people here are great support.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:30 AM
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If you keep drinking it will more than likely happen again. If you don't tell him and he doesn't find out, put in that same situation again (drunk w/ charming stranger) you will probably be drunk enough to think, "hey, he didn't find out last time, what the hell."

It's up to you to decide if you are going to tell him or not, you will forever feel guilt about it. Whatever you decide, make sure you do it for the right reasons.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:39 AM
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Thanks for the replies you guys. Yes I know in the end it is my decision. And, I am not sure what that decision looks like right now. Currently I am just trying to take care of myself. Keeping myself sober today... and tomorrow.

I am attending my first AA meeting tonight. Doing whatever I can to make it stick and make it right this time.

I never want to be out of control like that again. Not to mention the fact that I could have killed someone on the drive home. It is just the worest situation.
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Old 09-13-2010, 09:43 AM
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I am sorry for what you are going through. I hope you stick with sobriety and make it work.

I think you should tell him. If you don't, your guilt with probably force you back to drinking. You will try to drown the pain and guilt you have towards yourself. If you truly want a life of sobriety it is time to air your dirty laundry and start the cleaning up process. We make amends in sobriety for all the crap we did while drinking. It is the only way to truly heal ourselves.

Again, Stay with us. And congrats on making the decision to get/stay sober.
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Old 09-13-2010, 10:17 AM
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Welcome to SR! I hope we can help you find sobriety and peace of mind.
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Old 09-13-2010, 11:13 AM
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Sw, You asked, but I wouldn't tell him. I would however tell him that you are a alcohilic and need to get help. It's going to be okay.
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Old 09-13-2010, 11:32 AM
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Do you remember if you used protection or not? If you're not sure then you probably have to let you husband know so he can get tested if need be. Certainly you probably should get tested.

Best of luck getting sober. I found so many of my questions like the ones you have - have been answered as a result of sticking with AA. And it's the only way I could get sober and stay there so far...

Thinking of you!
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Old 09-13-2010, 11:42 AM
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In my opinion, stopping drinking is not the way to "pay" for the mistake. You should stop drinking because it's the right thing to do for you. Cheating and drinking often happen simultaneously, but are not the same thing. Do you tell? How many people in your shared life know about the incident? Do any of his friends or common friends know? I am a big believer in not disclosing what won't come back to bite him, especially if you are resolved to learn from the lesson.
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Old 09-13-2010, 12:00 PM
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Welcome to SR. I think if you are getting clean then you need to come clean with your husband, if you don't tell him and he finds out later it will be a whole lot worse. A relationship built on lies is not a good relationship.
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Old 09-13-2010, 12:08 PM
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Don't tell him. If you love him, and never ever will do it again, and have never done it before, then do NOT tell him. Sure, as he forgives you it will absolve any guilt you may have, but its selfish to put him through that pain, unless he absolutely needs to know.
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Old 09-13-2010, 12:30 PM
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Hi,

Strong relationships are built on trust. I believe that you should tell your husband.
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Old 09-13-2010, 12:58 PM
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Okay, Its me again. I keep thinking about this situation. I changed my mind. I was going off with your husband would just be hurt. That is thinking about it wrong. I changed my mind. Go to him and tell him everything preferably with a therapist present. Good luck! Also, keep in mind this is your decision; I do hope you used protection.
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Old 09-13-2010, 01:14 PM
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Thanks everyone for your welcome... and your advice. It is all very much appricated. Let me say that I have tried a couple of times in the past to get sober... it is something that I really want.

I started therapy for this reason. I fought hard to start drinking less... and when I discovered less isn't enough because it always leads to more and causes me to be mean ... what was enough was me feeling the way I feel about myself.

I know if I stop drinking because of what happened last week. Then sooner or later I will go back to drinking. I have to stop because I want to be a better and a healthier me. I am on that road. I am attempting this one little hill at a time.

The only thing I can say is that in this moment I am not driinking. I have not been drinking in the past 4360 mins (3 days).... and I can hope that I won't do it in the next 1440 mins. But, right now... this moment is the only one I have.

I am sorry for what I did last week. I am not sure about the decision to tell my husband or to not tell my husband. But, I can tell you one thing... the potential pain I have caused him is enough to keep this moment real for me.

And, for those of you who asked... yes he did use protection.

Thank you everyone..
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Old 09-13-2010, 01:29 PM
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It's great you posted here and I did some horrible things when I was out drinking, but something you said in your post stuck out to me.

Originally Posted by SWMNBN View Post
Last week I made a really bad decision. I went out got drunk and slept with a total stranger. It wasn't something I intended to do. It was something that happened.

See, it didn't just happen. You made the decision to pick up that first drink and if you are true alcoholic, then you won't be able to predict how much you drink and what happens when you do.

I had to change who I was or the same "me" would drink again. Maybe this is true with you too?
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Old 09-13-2010, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Kjell View Post
It's great you posted here and I did some horrible things when I was out drinking, but something you said in your post stuck out to me.



See, it didn't just happen. You made the decision to pick up that first drink and if you are true alcoholic, then you won't be able to predict how much you drink and what happens when you do.

I had to change who I was or the same "me" would drink again. Maybe this is true with you too?
Funny you say that... because the one thing that your quote line says is "B/c alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself. "

I am not sure... this is food for thought for me...
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Old 09-13-2010, 02:51 PM
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I really don't want to give you advice about telling your husband about the infidelity, but here goes.
I think that is a separate issue from your alcoholism.

You were unfaithful because, as you state, you were drunk.

I would give it some time. I would put all my energy, if I were you, into getting sober.

I would wait until I had some real sober time under my belt before discussing this issue. Because it could end your marriage.

Do you have a program?
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Old 09-13-2010, 03:13 PM
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My first question would be, do you have children with your husband?

I am a male who at one time had a friend go through this ordeal. If you want to continue your relationship with your husband, and you have children, and you are quite sure this will never happen again, forgive yourself, get sober, and don't say a word. It can be a secret.

If you have no children, and are unsure of your relationship with your husband, and need to fix other issues in your relationship let him know, but be ready to be divorced. Each man is different in regards to handling this kind of news, but most, especially if you have no children to look out for, will leave immediately. If there are children in the equation the dilemma changes and could ultimately become the burden of the children.

You know your husband best, and for my friend, it was one of the most difficult things he had ever heard. If no child was involved he would had left, but he decided to stck with the marriage and make it work. But many men are not as understanding as he is.

I will tell you it was the most unimaginable, most painful news my friend ever heard, and I still don't think he would ever really trust his wife again.
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Old 09-13-2010, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by SWMNBN View Post

The problem is that I have been happily married for over 6 years. I have been fighting wit myself... do I tell my husband... don't I tell my husband. The guilt is killing me. But, it was a one time thing ... that I have never done before on anyone I have ever dated. And, it isn't something I would ever do again. So, do I tell my husband and lose all the trust that we have in each other? Or do I just sit on it... and nurse my own guilt... and remember that it was my decision... and I have to take responsiblity for my own life.

IMHO - We as alcoholics are not strong to begin with. How would we fathom dealing with, one, getting sober and two, getting sober with such guilt. There are times in our lives when we do something and we, imo, have to admit to those things in order to fix the underlying problems in our lives...ie: alcoholism. You are considering taking on a huge feat by taking on both guilt and alcoholism both at the same time.

There is nobody in this world who is perfect or who had made no mistakes whether it be infidelity or otherwise.

Is your husband aware of the severity of your drinking problem? If so, maybe he will be a bit more understanding of what you did. NO, I am not saying that drinking gives you an excuse for what has happened, but if you really and truly feel that you made this mistake because of drinking and are willing to take control of that drinking, maybe your husband will be willing to work through this with you.
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