Getting to my new life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Getting to my new life
Normally I dread the weekend because AH and I are both home, and that's when AH drinks. However, AH unexpectedly went on a trip out of town with his brother this weekend, so I've had the whole house peacefully, blissfully, tranquilly to myself all weekend. It has been so calm and relaxing. No tension, no stress, no cringing every time the fridge opens and I wonder if he's getting another beer. Just me and the kitties! But he'll be back late tonight, so instead of enjoying my last peaceful evening, I'm starting to dread his return.
I have been seriously considering whether to leave AH, and I think that I am ready to leave. So I spent much of my free weekend planning what I need to do. Today I looked at an apartment, which was really strange. I can totally picture myself living in the apartment, but it's like an alternate universe. When I was in the new apartment, it was like I was in my new life. But when I was driving home, I felt so strange about the idea leaving my old life.
I don't like where I'm at with the AH who won't quit, won't get help, and won't admit there's a problem. I don't want to live this way. But I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the thought of the actual leaving and getting to the new life. Despite my complaints about the drinking, I believe that AH will be genuinely shocked at my leaving. I'm pretty worried that he's going to flip out a little bit. I know that this is a move that is irreversible because AH is the type who will hate me forever once I do this. Not that I want to stay, but I feel really horrible at the idea that I will be, in some ways, devastating him and causing him to hate me. I think he'll be more angry that I've made him look bad than that he's actually lost me, but still. Many things can be undone, but this isn't one of them.
At the same time, I hate that moving out can't be accomplished in one day. Unfortunately, to be smart, I have to get some things in place before I go. I think it will be best to move out, then tell him just in case of a really big flip out. That seems kind of cowardly, but if the confrontation is really bad, I would prefer to already have my stuff out. It's going to be really hard to go through the motions for the next few weeks until I can my plans into place.
Having a plan of action is much more satisfying than sitting around seeing what will happen and wishing that AH will magically decide to stop drinking. This way I am doing something that I actually do have control over, and I am living my life, not lamenting my life. I think it's going to be a bit scarier than I thought. I'm not scared to be alone; I'm scared to go through the steps that will let me be alone.
Thanks for reading, just writing it out helps. As always, I welcome any thoughts, experience, or words of wisdom.
I have been seriously considering whether to leave AH, and I think that I am ready to leave. So I spent much of my free weekend planning what I need to do. Today I looked at an apartment, which was really strange. I can totally picture myself living in the apartment, but it's like an alternate universe. When I was in the new apartment, it was like I was in my new life. But when I was driving home, I felt so strange about the idea leaving my old life.
I don't like where I'm at with the AH who won't quit, won't get help, and won't admit there's a problem. I don't want to live this way. But I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed at the thought of the actual leaving and getting to the new life. Despite my complaints about the drinking, I believe that AH will be genuinely shocked at my leaving. I'm pretty worried that he's going to flip out a little bit. I know that this is a move that is irreversible because AH is the type who will hate me forever once I do this. Not that I want to stay, but I feel really horrible at the idea that I will be, in some ways, devastating him and causing him to hate me. I think he'll be more angry that I've made him look bad than that he's actually lost me, but still. Many things can be undone, but this isn't one of them.
At the same time, I hate that moving out can't be accomplished in one day. Unfortunately, to be smart, I have to get some things in place before I go. I think it will be best to move out, then tell him just in case of a really big flip out. That seems kind of cowardly, but if the confrontation is really bad, I would prefer to already have my stuff out. It's going to be really hard to go through the motions for the next few weeks until I can my plans into place.
Having a plan of action is much more satisfying than sitting around seeing what will happen and wishing that AH will magically decide to stop drinking. This way I am doing something that I actually do have control over, and I am living my life, not lamenting my life. I think it's going to be a bit scarier than I thought. I'm not scared to be alone; I'm scared to go through the steps that will let me be alone.
Thanks for reading, just writing it out helps. As always, I welcome any thoughts, experience, or words of wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
It sounds like you know exactly what you want but are worrying about him and his reaction rather than yourself. Does he put you first? I'm guessing the answer is no...that means you need to put you first.
All fear will do is keep you stuck. I love THIS thread, I found it really inspiring and uplifting. Just shows that anything is possible if you just let go and let it happen.
All fear will do is keep you stuck. I love THIS thread, I found it really inspiring and uplifting. Just shows that anything is possible if you just let go and let it happen.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Have you thought about going ahead and signing the lease and moving things over a bit at a time before you notify him of your plan? If you can swing it, I definitely recommend doing that for a few reasons:
Just something to think about...
- It gives you a sense of empowerment
- It takes the pressure off of getting everything moved at once
- It gives you time to get used to the new place little by little
- It gives you a place to GO when you're feeling like you need time alone
Just something to think about...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
Sasha,
What works for me is making lists and breaking a big thing like you are facing down in to smaller parts. Makes it manageable for me and helps me to stay in the day. Otherwise I tend to freeze up and do very little. Take care of yourself during this time and focus on you. You are possibly embarking on big changes and a lot of choices - be your own best friend right now. Gentle, constructive planning while nurturing yourself.
:ghug3
What works for me is making lists and breaking a big thing like you are facing down in to smaller parts. Makes it manageable for me and helps me to stay in the day. Otherwise I tend to freeze up and do very little. Take care of yourself during this time and focus on you. You are possibly embarking on big changes and a lot of choices - be your own best friend right now. Gentle, constructive planning while nurturing yourself.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Good for you Sasha! You are considering life beyond your circumstances and that's a profound step.
I know how you feel about not wanted to tell AH about leaving. My plan was also to say nothing and move when XABF was out of town. He had a week-long trip for work in the fall and my June I had the first of my money saved for the move and was looking into where to moved to.
My plans were of course "my" plans and not my HP's plans. He was laid off shortly thereafter, we lost our housing, I had to kick my move into high gear, and had to let him know it was over and he was on his own. To this day I believe it all happened the way it was supposed to. Had I waited I might of chickened out feeling guilty for sneaking away or I some reason to spend my moving money would have popped up leaving stuck.
Hang in there, and keep plugging forward. You are just starting this process, you need not tell AH your plans because they are just plans and plans can change. When the time truly is right, your path will be revealed.
I also had the same thoughts of guilt when I considered leaving my EXABF. I would drive by a house I saw for rent or for sale and I would imagine myself living there. I would also shop around online for houses in different towns trying to see what appealed to be. I didn't even know where I wanted to go or in what kind of place I wanted to live. Every time I had to return back to my daily coping with XABF, and sometimes it was like walking out of a dream state. My fantasy life of living on my own in peace became an escape for me and I felt guilty about that for sure. I was no longer imagining a life together with XABF and the thought of continuing one only made me sad.
You hang in there. You are no coward and you've no reason to feel guilty.
Think of all that you have done to keep the peace in your home and avoid the chaos his addiction brings. Your thoughts of leaving secretly is just keeping the peace and avoiding choas for your benefit and to soothe you this time around rather than him.
Alice
I know how you feel about not wanted to tell AH about leaving. My plan was also to say nothing and move when XABF was out of town. He had a week-long trip for work in the fall and my June I had the first of my money saved for the move and was looking into where to moved to.
My plans were of course "my" plans and not my HP's plans. He was laid off shortly thereafter, we lost our housing, I had to kick my move into high gear, and had to let him know it was over and he was on his own. To this day I believe it all happened the way it was supposed to. Had I waited I might of chickened out feeling guilty for sneaking away or I some reason to spend my moving money would have popped up leaving stuck.
Hang in there, and keep plugging forward. You are just starting this process, you need not tell AH your plans because they are just plans and plans can change. When the time truly is right, your path will be revealed.
I also had the same thoughts of guilt when I considered leaving my EXABF. I would drive by a house I saw for rent or for sale and I would imagine myself living there. I would also shop around online for houses in different towns trying to see what appealed to be. I didn't even know where I wanted to go or in what kind of place I wanted to live. Every time I had to return back to my daily coping with XABF, and sometimes it was like walking out of a dream state. My fantasy life of living on my own in peace became an escape for me and I felt guilty about that for sure. I was no longer imagining a life together with XABF and the thought of continuing one only made me sad.
You hang in there. You are no coward and you've no reason to feel guilty.
Think of all that you have done to keep the peace in your home and avoid the chaos his addiction brings. Your thoughts of leaving secretly is just keeping the peace and avoiding choas for your benefit and to soothe you this time around rather than him.
Alice
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I used to dread the weekends too, I know that feeling, and any day he took off from work. How wonderful it is now not to have that dread in my life.
towards the end of our relationship, I had to rent another house for a week, because we were having renovations done that our asthmatic son could not be around. AH didn't come with us, prefering to stay in the house, we were less than a mile away and he visited the children twice for a couple of hours but went back to our house in the evening (his choice). So I was washing, cooking, cleaning, working, getting kids ready for school all by myself, and it was absolutely fine; hard work, but no-where near as hard as living with that dread, and the actions that led to that dread.
It cost me a lot renting that house, but it was a little glimpse of what life could be like, I had often taken the children away to escape a weekend with him, visited relatives, stayed in a hotel, but never been in a home, and it was lovely. I didn't leave right away, but having that knowledge stored in my head of what life could be like, was enormously helpful when the time did come for me to make the decision to seperate.
towards the end of our relationship, I had to rent another house for a week, because we were having renovations done that our asthmatic son could not be around. AH didn't come with us, prefering to stay in the house, we were less than a mile away and he visited the children twice for a couple of hours but went back to our house in the evening (his choice). So I was washing, cooking, cleaning, working, getting kids ready for school all by myself, and it was absolutely fine; hard work, but no-where near as hard as living with that dread, and the actions that led to that dread.
It cost me a lot renting that house, but it was a little glimpse of what life could be like, I had often taken the children away to escape a weekend with him, visited relatives, stayed in a hotel, but never been in a home, and it was lovely. I didn't leave right away, but having that knowledge stored in my head of what life could be like, was enormously helpful when the time did come for me to make the decision to seperate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Deep breath. I put a deposit down on an apartment today. The lease doesn't begin for 30 days, so I have time process and plan for a specific date. It feels really weird, like I'm now living a secret life. I actually didn't think I'd be nervous for this part, so I'm a bit surprised by that. Now I have to act like everything is fine at home so as not to raise AH's suspicions. I guess that's not so different that the usual walking on eggshells, but now I feel like I'm going to get in trouble like a bad kid or something. I hate feeling dishonest, as my personality is to speak my mind. It's not that I'm not going to tell him, I just need to finish getting my ducks in a row. Yikes!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sasha, well done. Yesterday I paid the full rent by myself, and I thought that the extra money is much worth the serenity and peace. When I see how my life can look like.. it will be easier to take other decisions like becoming single once again. Constant stress takes a very high toll. And you are doing nothing wrong keeping quiet about your plans now, you are just protecting yourself.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I believe that this is good news, and, that you are heading in the right direction. Keeping this to yourself is smart.
Here is a little tidbit about me:
My first marriage was to an alcoholic. Like all "A's" he got progressivly worse. We had been married 14 years, and I was in h*ll. I asked him for a divorce, over and over..he said no. He was served with papers and threw them in the garbage. It would have taken at least another year for the divorce to go through and I was done. He was getting more and more abusive.
So, I got a new job out of state, lined up a moving company and over 4th of July I had the moving company come to the house, pack my stuff, hopped in my car and started my new job the following week. He was again served with papers at his work, he did not throw them away. I never gave him a clue, arranged it all without a word to anyone.
The divorce did take another 6 months, the house sold in 7 months and I was free, he didn't know where I lived or worked. Of coarse there were no children involved, so we had no reason to be in contact.
Here is a little tidbit about me:
My first marriage was to an alcoholic. Like all "A's" he got progressivly worse. We had been married 14 years, and I was in h*ll. I asked him for a divorce, over and over..he said no. He was served with papers and threw them in the garbage. It would have taken at least another year for the divorce to go through and I was done. He was getting more and more abusive.
So, I got a new job out of state, lined up a moving company and over 4th of July I had the moving company come to the house, pack my stuff, hopped in my car and started my new job the following week. He was again served with papers at his work, he did not throw them away. I never gave him a clue, arranged it all without a word to anyone.
The divorce did take another 6 months, the house sold in 7 months and I was free, he didn't know where I lived or worked. Of coarse there were no children involved, so we had no reason to be in contact.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by dollydo 
I believe that this is good news, and, that you are heading in the right direction. Keeping this to yourself is smart.
Here is a little tidbit about me:
My first marriage was to an alcoholic. Like all "A's" he got progressivly worse. We had been married 14 years, and I was in h*ll. I asked him for a divorce, over and over..he said no. He was served with papers and threw them in the garbage. It would have taken at least another year for the divorce to go through and I was done. He was getting more and more abusive.
So, I got a new job out of state, lined up a moving company and over 4th of July I had the moving company come to the house, pack my stuff, hopped in my car and started my new job the following week. He was again served with papers at his work, he did not throw them away. I never gave him a clue, arranged it all without a word to anyone.
The divorce did take another 6 months, the house sold in 7 months and I was free, he didn't know where I lived or worked. Of coarse there were no children involved, so we had no reason to be in contact.
Here is a little tidbit about me:
My first marriage was to an alcoholic. Like all "A's" he got progressivly worse. We had been married 14 years, and I was in h*ll. I asked him for a divorce, over and over..he said no. He was served with papers and threw them in the garbage. It would have taken at least another year for the divorce to go through and I was done. He was getting more and more abusive.
So, I got a new job out of state, lined up a moving company and over 4th of July I had the moving company come to the house, pack my stuff, hopped in my car and started my new job the following week. He was again served with papers at his work, he did not throw them away. I never gave him a clue, arranged it all without a word to anyone.
The divorce did take another 6 months, the house sold in 7 months and I was free, he didn't know where I lived or worked. Of coarse there were no children involved, so we had no reason to be in contact.
And good job Sasha, another success story. I love when people come on here and "get it", what ever "it" is.
Took me for ever to get where you already are, good job not wasting valuable time.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Bravo Sasha!!!
It sure does feel like walking on eggshells, but then you're right, what new in that.
One step at a time. Easy does it. You'll get there. I found the hardest part was not smiling when my XABF got to bitchin' about something. Inside I was thinking, I wouldn't have to hear him for long and one day not at all. Like the cat who ate the canary I was.
It feels new and different because it is. What you had been doing wasn't working so you are trying something out of your comfort zone. No longer are you investing in him, you are making an investment in your own free life. It's an investment worth making!!
Hang on in there!
Alice
It sure does feel like walking on eggshells, but then you're right, what new in that.
One step at a time. Easy does it. You'll get there. I found the hardest part was not smiling when my XABF got to bitchin' about something. Inside I was thinking, I wouldn't have to hear him for long and one day not at all. Like the cat who ate the canary I was.
It feels new and different because it is. What you had been doing wasn't working so you are trying something out of your comfort zone. No longer are you investing in him, you are making an investment in your own free life. It's an investment worth making!!
Hang on in there!
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Thank you for all of the encouragement, I really appreciate it!
Alice, I think the cat-who-ate-the-canary thought is a good one: it makes me think of laughing instead of crying, and that sounds like a MUCH better way to think about the next month before I can leave. Thanks for the great thought.
TakingCharge, I too look forward to paying the rent on my own. I have no doubt that the calm and peace of my own alcohol-free place will be worth every penny. It's only the getting there part that freaks me out a little bit. I will be eating chocolate in your honor on Sunday, and I hope to be asking you celebrate with me next month.
dollydo, thank you for sharing a little bit about your experience; I'm so glad that you were able to successfully get out. I have no idea what to expect from AH, but we also don't have kids, so once it's done there will be no need for contact.
I'm not sure if this feeling in the pit of my stomach is fear, nausea, anxiety or excitement. But I am soooooo glad to have a place that I can come and write this out. Saying it out loud (kind of) makes me braver.
Alice, I think the cat-who-ate-the-canary thought is a good one: it makes me think of laughing instead of crying, and that sounds like a MUCH better way to think about the next month before I can leave. Thanks for the great thought.
TakingCharge, I too look forward to paying the rent on my own. I have no doubt that the calm and peace of my own alcohol-free place will be worth every penny. It's only the getting there part that freaks me out a little bit. I will be eating chocolate in your honor on Sunday, and I hope to be asking you celebrate with me next month.
dollydo, thank you for sharing a little bit about your experience; I'm so glad that you were able to successfully get out. I have no idea what to expect from AH, but we also don't have kids, so once it's done there will be no need for contact.
I'm not sure if this feeling in the pit of my stomach is fear, nausea, anxiety or excitement. But I am soooooo glad to have a place that I can come and write this out. Saying it out loud (kind of) makes me braver.
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