I think AH really reaching out to blame me
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I think AH really reaching out to blame me
Hi All,
I thought yesterday was a bad day. Well, I keep my phone on silent so I don't here when texts come in. I woke up around 8am and checked my phone. Of course he texted me. At 4:30am. Telling me that I had an Oxcycontin addiction and that I ruined the kids. Oxcycontin way too scary to even think about them. He said he wanted me to take hair folicle test and I told him go ahead. Test is going to show negative. Last time I took percocet was when I had a hip injury. That was about in February and only for 3 weeks till had appt with sports medicine then had cortisone. So I don't know where he got that from.
Then his last text was that our son, who is 15, is still smoking pot. Yes, he has been caught twice and I told him at any time I will test him. I have a pot test in the cabinet. He told me to test him.
Why is he accusing me of taking drugs and that my son is still smoking pot?
This is crazy. I'm figuring to make me look like bad guy. Why our marraige was ruined. blah blah blah.
Last time my AH left my son smoked pot to relieve some of his hurt. My son explained this to me and I explained that the hurt comes back after the high is all over. He said I was right. We just need to find another way to deal with the hurt.
OMG - Today if I talk to him I'm going to tell him he needs to get his crap out of the house. I can't take this anymore. It's bad enough I've wasted 20 years with this man, if you can call him that, but come on.
Of course now I'm thinking about testing my son to prove my AH wrong. That's crazy thoughts. I do not want to play his game.
I know NO contact. I guess I really have to do it. Not respond to any of them. Gosh, that's the hardest part.
I thought yesterday was a bad day. Well, I keep my phone on silent so I don't here when texts come in. I woke up around 8am and checked my phone. Of course he texted me. At 4:30am. Telling me that I had an Oxcycontin addiction and that I ruined the kids. Oxcycontin way too scary to even think about them. He said he wanted me to take hair folicle test and I told him go ahead. Test is going to show negative. Last time I took percocet was when I had a hip injury. That was about in February and only for 3 weeks till had appt with sports medicine then had cortisone. So I don't know where he got that from.
Then his last text was that our son, who is 15, is still smoking pot. Yes, he has been caught twice and I told him at any time I will test him. I have a pot test in the cabinet. He told me to test him.
Why is he accusing me of taking drugs and that my son is still smoking pot?
This is crazy. I'm figuring to make me look like bad guy. Why our marraige was ruined. blah blah blah.
Last time my AH left my son smoked pot to relieve some of his hurt. My son explained this to me and I explained that the hurt comes back after the high is all over. He said I was right. We just need to find another way to deal with the hurt.
OMG - Today if I talk to him I'm going to tell him he needs to get his crap out of the house. I can't take this anymore. It's bad enough I've wasted 20 years with this man, if you can call him that, but come on.
Of course now I'm thinking about testing my son to prove my AH wrong. That's crazy thoughts. I do not want to play his game.
I know NO contact. I guess I really have to do it. Not respond to any of them. Gosh, that's the hardest part.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
i guess that i really know the reality of it. he's not going to stop drinking and my marriage is over. I did have a little hope but now it's gone. 
I am going to speak to my son and pot smoking again if needed I will test him. I don't want him to think pot is going to help his sadness and hurt.
With him accusing me, I guess he will take whatever he can to put it on me. He has repeatedly said I cheat on him. He told me someone was telling him all sorts of stories about me at work. I said like what. He couldn't say any because there aren't any stories. I go to work do my work then come home.
Now just to push forward and get on with what I have to do no matter how hard. I know I'm not to blame but just stop. It's very tirering (sp).
I think if he knows I'm down, or thinking about him all day then he's going to be happy. I can't show that. Even though it's hard I have to put up a front for him. That I'm going on with my life without him. Which I am but it's not easy.
Now I'm here thinking if I even still do love him. Maybe just used to all the chaos and him being here. I dunno. Maybe it was always the fear of being alone. Not with a man. hmmmmm Could be. I basically have done it without him even though he was living here. Financial, the kids, bills, cooking, etc. even yardwork. Boy, is he a loser!
I don't want a man in my life if it was going to be like the last 20 years. I think it would take me a long time to trust any man. So as long as I have my kids, I won't be alone.
Now to take on the day. No more sitting here. I'm going to do what I need to. My plan is to sell so today going to get rid of some things. Not his things. I'm going to tell him to get what he wants. The rest I'm throwing out.
Ever since I changed my bedroom around I like it. Doesn't remind me of him cuz the bedroom was never arranged like this. That was a start. Now to rearrange the rest of the house.
I am going to speak to my son and pot smoking again if needed I will test him. I don't want him to think pot is going to help his sadness and hurt.
With him accusing me, I guess he will take whatever he can to put it on me. He has repeatedly said I cheat on him. He told me someone was telling him all sorts of stories about me at work. I said like what. He couldn't say any because there aren't any stories. I go to work do my work then come home.
Now just to push forward and get on with what I have to do no matter how hard. I know I'm not to blame but just stop. It's very tirering (sp).
I think if he knows I'm down, or thinking about him all day then he's going to be happy. I can't show that. Even though it's hard I have to put up a front for him. That I'm going on with my life without him. Which I am but it's not easy.
Now I'm here thinking if I even still do love him. Maybe just used to all the chaos and him being here. I dunno. Maybe it was always the fear of being alone. Not with a man. hmmmmm Could be. I basically have done it without him even though he was living here. Financial, the kids, bills, cooking, etc. even yardwork. Boy, is he a loser!
I don't want a man in my life if it was going to be like the last 20 years. I think it would take me a long time to trust any man. So as long as I have my kids, I won't be alone.
Now to take on the day. No more sitting here. I'm going to do what I need to. My plan is to sell so today going to get rid of some things. Not his things. I'm going to tell him to get what he wants. The rest I'm throwing out.
Ever since I changed my bedroom around I like it. Doesn't remind me of him cuz the bedroom was never arranged like this. That was a start. Now to rearrange the rest of the house.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I had such a similar experience with my now xah. Be strong. No contact really does work. I could not ignore because we have children we need to communicate about but I did not respond to anything at all except the sane child related emails. It was hard but it helps. I have to warn you, it was my experience that things got so much worse before it got better. The emails, accusations, blaming, shifting of responsiblity...it felt to much to bear at times, but in the end it was not. It is said here so much that we just need to do the next right thing. You can find the strength to do the next right thing. One day we realize that we are no longer consumed by it. We have moved forward. It seemed so hopeless and overwhelming but now, 12 months later, it really is a part of my history. Part of my life, but not consuming me.
It is all so sad. A hug sent to you.
It is all so sad. A hug sent to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
thank you thumper,
i am trying to just keep texts related to kids and if something wrong with house which there was yesterday. i think he is just grasping at straws.
i did talk with my son this morning and i knew he would say no that he wasn't still smoking but he said for me to test him so i could be sure. i'm not this time.
He is a sick man. Not that I want him to respond but he still didn't respond to my text about why he thinks my son is still smoking pot when he hasn't been around.
Thank you for your post. I'm just going to forget about the texts and go on today. Do some cleaning. It always makes me feel better to throw things away. lol
i am trying to just keep texts related to kids and if something wrong with house which there was yesterday. i think he is just grasping at straws.
i did talk with my son this morning and i knew he would say no that he wasn't still smoking but he said for me to test him so i could be sure. i'm not this time.
He is a sick man. Not that I want him to respond but he still didn't respond to my text about why he thinks my son is still smoking pot when he hasn't been around.
Thank you for your post. I'm just going to forget about the texts and go on today. Do some cleaning. It always makes me feel better to throw things away. lol
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Notice that when you hear from him you feel badly?
You begin to doubt everything including your own mind?
You offer to take a test on your own hair to prove him wrong??????
To protest that you are not having a wild (and fulfilling LOL) affair???
That you doubt your son and need to test that allegation???
Whether your son smoked pot before or now that you might need his help in dealing with it??????
If I accuse you of making up everything you have told us on SR....are you going to consider that and offer to prove me wrong or are you going to be offended and wish me a sound smack upside the head??????
I am sorry for being a bit curt today and I am.
But, daggone it...you got to go out last night and play Bingo...your kids were fine.
You had your plans for today and you were fine with those.
So in short...yeah, he is bitter....he's lost the too comfy set up.
The home, the meals, the housekeeper, the laundry service, the landscaper and lawn maintenance, the financieer and accountant, the companion who did whatever was needed (and more) to try to keep him comfortable and did whatever not to upset him.
And, oh yeah, the nurse.
So, he is throwing a temper tantrum....mad at the mean mommy (you)....
If he had been willing to be a grown up and own responsibility you wouldn't even be in this position, you know?
So, please do not expect him to be even an iota of reasonable now.
He won't.
He is going to throw all his toys and caca at you.
If your kids were being bullied and abused what would you do?
You wouldn't let the bully in your play yard anymore, would you?
He is bullying you...he just has a few more grown up tools and knowledge of you on how to get to you and your soft spots.
Oh, and if occassionally sounding reasonable and contrite works...well, you have heard "whatever works"
Expect that too.
If you are upset, your kids feel that too.
As far as I know prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Which means....uh-oh, you guessed it!
Not hearing any of it in the first place, a/k/a no contact.
The kids are old enough to have a relationship with their dad (if they want one) on their own.
((((hugs)))))))
You begin to doubt everything including your own mind?
You offer to take a test on your own hair to prove him wrong??????
To protest that you are not having a wild (and fulfilling LOL) affair???
That you doubt your son and need to test that allegation???
Whether your son smoked pot before or now that you might need his help in dealing with it??????
If I accuse you of making up everything you have told us on SR....are you going to consider that and offer to prove me wrong or are you going to be offended and wish me a sound smack upside the head??????
I am sorry for being a bit curt today and I am.
But, daggone it...you got to go out last night and play Bingo...your kids were fine.
You had your plans for today and you were fine with those.
So in short...yeah, he is bitter....he's lost the too comfy set up.
The home, the meals, the housekeeper, the laundry service, the landscaper and lawn maintenance, the financieer and accountant, the companion who did whatever was needed (and more) to try to keep him comfortable and did whatever not to upset him.
And, oh yeah, the nurse.
So, he is throwing a temper tantrum....mad at the mean mommy (you)....
If he had been willing to be a grown up and own responsibility you wouldn't even be in this position, you know?
So, please do not expect him to be even an iota of reasonable now.
He won't.
He is going to throw all his toys and caca at you.
If your kids were being bullied and abused what would you do?
You wouldn't let the bully in your play yard anymore, would you?
He is bullying you...he just has a few more grown up tools and knowledge of you on how to get to you and your soft spots.
Oh, and if occassionally sounding reasonable and contrite works...well, you have heard "whatever works"
Expect that too.
If you are upset, your kids feel that too.
As far as I know prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Which means....uh-oh, you guessed it!
Not hearing any of it in the first place, a/k/a no contact.
The kids are old enough to have a relationship with their dad (if they want one) on their own.
((((hugs)))))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Thanks live!
I needed that. He called me a few times I ignored him. He finally called the house phone.. I answered.
He asked if I had tested my son. I said no. I have no reason to. He told me a week and 1/2 ago he came home and his eyes were really glassy, worse than his are when he is high. I asked him why didn't you test him. He didn't say a word. He told me my son texted him about his dad saying he was smoking pot. His dad said to him I was crazy and blah, blah, blah.
I asked my son about texting his dad and he said he wanted to know where his dad is getting his information but he hasn't been smoking. My son said today when he was texting his dad was probably drunk or high. At 2 in the afternoon. I knew the minute I talked with him he was drunk.
I did tell my son that I am trying not to have contact with him because it makes me feel hurt when I do have contact. I said maybe that might work for him also.
He also mentioned on the phone again about me and the drugs so I said yeah take it. I know i'll pass so whatever. again he had nothing to say.
I think he is getting to his lowest and is grasping at straws and I won't be here to pick him back up.
I have not badmouthed him to the kids. Only he has a drinking problem which the kids already knew. The also knew he smoked pot which I didn't know they knew. So kids are more aware than what I thought.
He told me not to bring kids into this but he did. Gosh, I was doing so good with the no contact while he was calling the cellphone but once he called the house phone i answered it. Why did i do that? oh well, I still have things I want to do around here so I'm going to do them. He is not going to ruin this beautiful day!!
Sometimes I need a good smack upside my head. lol Thanks live. I love this site as it really has helped me these last few days. I'm still going to need you to get through the rest.
My next step is to tell him I'm cancelling insurance on truck. So give me plates or I'll report truck stolen. Truck is in my name. I know I can't do it today. Tomorrow is another day.
Live, I just reread your post and one thing sticks out. He's going to try and get me where it hurts. And that's the kids. That was a whammy today and I explained it all to my son. Maybe I said too much, but where they are concerned that is my priority. To drag the kids into his alcoholism is just plain wrong. I'm seeing him now as someone I don't know at all. Can't believe I let him back in before.
Well, onto cleaning which is a help on keeping my mind off things. I'll check in later. Want to get those barrells filled with trash. lol
I needed that. He called me a few times I ignored him. He finally called the house phone.. I answered.
He asked if I had tested my son. I said no. I have no reason to. He told me a week and 1/2 ago he came home and his eyes were really glassy, worse than his are when he is high. I asked him why didn't you test him. He didn't say a word. He told me my son texted him about his dad saying he was smoking pot. His dad said to him I was crazy and blah, blah, blah.
I asked my son about texting his dad and he said he wanted to know where his dad is getting his information but he hasn't been smoking. My son said today when he was texting his dad was probably drunk or high. At 2 in the afternoon. I knew the minute I talked with him he was drunk.
I did tell my son that I am trying not to have contact with him because it makes me feel hurt when I do have contact. I said maybe that might work for him also.
He also mentioned on the phone again about me and the drugs so I said yeah take it. I know i'll pass so whatever. again he had nothing to say.
I think he is getting to his lowest and is grasping at straws and I won't be here to pick him back up.
I have not badmouthed him to the kids. Only he has a drinking problem which the kids already knew. The also knew he smoked pot which I didn't know they knew. So kids are more aware than what I thought.
He told me not to bring kids into this but he did. Gosh, I was doing so good with the no contact while he was calling the cellphone but once he called the house phone i answered it. Why did i do that? oh well, I still have things I want to do around here so I'm going to do them. He is not going to ruin this beautiful day!!
Sometimes I need a good smack upside my head. lol Thanks live. I love this site as it really has helped me these last few days. I'm still going to need you to get through the rest.
My next step is to tell him I'm cancelling insurance on truck. So give me plates or I'll report truck stolen. Truck is in my name. I know I can't do it today. Tomorrow is another day.
Live, I just reread your post and one thing sticks out. He's going to try and get me where it hurts. And that's the kids. That was a whammy today and I explained it all to my son. Maybe I said too much, but where they are concerned that is my priority. To drag the kids into his alcoholism is just plain wrong. I'm seeing him now as someone I don't know at all. Can't believe I let him back in before.
Well, onto cleaning which is a help on keeping my mind off things. I'll check in later. Want to get those barrells filled with trash. lol
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
You're getting there, very.
The thing I love about SR is taking the wisdom of the fine people here and, even when it feels contrary, applying it to my life anyway. As if by magic things start to fall into place! But it takes a while before we get "desperate" enough to try the advice given. At least we have these 'voices' in our head to keep us company as we go through our day, eh?
Live and learn.
Thank you GOD for SoberRecovery-dot-com!!
The thing I love about SR is taking the wisdom of the fine people here and, even when it feels contrary, applying it to my life anyway. As if by magic things start to fall into place! But it takes a while before we get "desperate" enough to try the advice given. At least we have these 'voices' in our head to keep us company as we go through our day, eh?
Live and learn.
Thank you GOD for SoberRecovery-dot-com!!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hey, I know you've got your hands full with a crazed AH, but I'm writing to ask you not to drug test your son.
It's just my opinion and you don't have to listen to me obviously, because I totally respect that you're his mother and you mother him, not me.
But-here is my suggestion.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with him, just talk to your son. Gain his trust. Listen to him. Educate him.
this is an article about why you shouldn't drug test your kid at home
3 serious problems with home drug tests for teens
If you're interested I have more info. More than you'd ever want I bet.
And, I'm glad you're here. These folks understand. It's a wonderful place. Welcome!
It's just my opinion and you don't have to listen to me obviously, because I totally respect that you're his mother and you mother him, not me.
But-here is my suggestion.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with him, just talk to your son. Gain his trust. Listen to him. Educate him.
this is an article about why you shouldn't drug test your kid at home
3 serious problems with home drug tests for teens
If you're interested I have more info. More than you'd ever want I bet.
And, I'm glad you're here. These folks understand. It's a wonderful place. Welcome!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I'm not going to test my son. We talked about it and I trust him. He is very upset at his father for accusing him of smoking pot. My AH turned it around and said I shouldn't have brought it up to my son but he texted me to test him. He is still smoking pot he says. My son thinks my AH was drunk. I talked with my son about my AH and his texts I felt I needed to explain that a person who is a drunk likes to put blame on everyone else except for themselves.
I spoke with AH today and he was saying that I lie, manipulate everyone, I turned the kids against him. My daughter has not texted him back. He was texting her today but she was at work and couldn't text back anyway.
I have not badmouthed him until today when I explained what he was doing. Maybe I shouldn't have.
I realized after I spoke with him how very sick he is. He probably ran out of money that's why he was calling and he is so angry he doesn't know what he is going to do that he is taking his anger out on me. It's not right I know. But he is definately sick mentally.
I just don't know what to say to the kids. They know he is an alcoholic. They've seen him drinking and being a jerk. I'm saying it politely.
He says that I made the kids believe he is a drunk. He says he was a great husband and a great father. Yeah, okay.
I'm glad my daughter is going to therapy. She is in a really crappy mood today. I don't know what to say to her. Do I explain about alcoholics and them blaming everyone. I don't know.
I know I have to see an attorney this week. Tough one but I have to do it. I have to see what he is entitled to.
He is accusing me of things. I know 'no contact'. I blew it today. But after the phone call I actually feel better. Just listening to him makes me realize how sick he is.
I just hope he doesn't brainwash the kids. The can easily be swayed. I'm trying to keep them out of it but when he accused my son of still smoking pot my back arched.
What do I tell them? Do I tell them how mean he is being?
I need help with this one. Thanks all who read this.
I spoke with AH today and he was saying that I lie, manipulate everyone, I turned the kids against him. My daughter has not texted him back. He was texting her today but she was at work and couldn't text back anyway.
I have not badmouthed him until today when I explained what he was doing. Maybe I shouldn't have.
I realized after I spoke with him how very sick he is. He probably ran out of money that's why he was calling and he is so angry he doesn't know what he is going to do that he is taking his anger out on me. It's not right I know. But he is definately sick mentally.
I just don't know what to say to the kids. They know he is an alcoholic. They've seen him drinking and being a jerk. I'm saying it politely.
He says that I made the kids believe he is a drunk. He says he was a great husband and a great father. Yeah, okay.
I'm glad my daughter is going to therapy. She is in a really crappy mood today. I don't know what to say to her. Do I explain about alcoholics and them blaming everyone. I don't know.
I know I have to see an attorney this week. Tough one but I have to do it. I have to see what he is entitled to.
He is accusing me of things. I know 'no contact'. I blew it today. But after the phone call I actually feel better. Just listening to him makes me realize how sick he is.
I just hope he doesn't brainwash the kids. The can easily be swayed. I'm trying to keep them out of it but when he accused my son of still smoking pot my back arched.
What do I tell them? Do I tell them how mean he is being?
I need help with this one. Thanks all who read this.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Please leave your children completely out of it. If they have a fight or other difficulty with their dad, IMO it is good to just tactfully explain to them that it is not their fault, that their dad has an illness, and it is nothing to do with them. Please do not tell them what is going on between the two of you. You are both their parents. But please don't sugarcoat it either. Be truthful and tactful. My father was a nasty, fall-down drunk. But my mother never badmouthed him in front of us, never exposed any of his behavior or their issues on us, and in fact always insisted that we be respectful no matter what he did. It paid off for me in spades.
Thank you so much for asking what others' opinions are regarding your kids. Try to give them as much predictability in their life as possible. That means eliminating the chaos and confusion in your lives and setting clear rules and boundaries for them. As an adult child of an alcoholic, that is what I now know was so crucial, but missing, during my teen years.
Thank you so much for asking what others' opinions are regarding your kids. Try to give them as much predictability in their life as possible. That means eliminating the chaos and confusion in your lives and setting clear rules and boundaries for them. As an adult child of an alcoholic, that is what I now know was so crucial, but missing, during my teen years.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hi VR, and my love to you right now. LIVE and L2L have sure given 1st class ideas about dealing with Captain Crapmouth, and may I suggest a little twist to his tale.
If he comes up with the drug tests for you and your son, tell him spot testing is fine with you both....AS LONG AS HE IS TESTED ALSO, and it is done when unexpected by all concerned.
Yep we can see him sober as he waits and wonders when the test folk will be calling.....Nope, I really didn't think he would be either.
If you hit him with this every time he comes up with this testing sh*t, it should get him to shut up eventually.
If he quacks to you, at some stage about how hard done by he is, or how you have it all, or how you are turning his children against him......tell him,
"I am sorry, I think you have mistaken me for someone WHO CARES", and hang up.
Works every time for me.
God bless
If he comes up with the drug tests for you and your son, tell him spot testing is fine with you both....AS LONG AS HE IS TESTED ALSO, and it is done when unexpected by all concerned.
Yep we can see him sober as he waits and wonders when the test folk will be calling.....Nope, I really didn't think he would be either.
If you hit him with this every time he comes up with this testing sh*t, it should get him to shut up eventually.
If he quacks to you, at some stage about how hard done by he is, or how you have it all, or how you are turning his children against him......tell him,
"I am sorry, I think you have mistaken me for someone WHO CARES", and hang up.
Works every time for me.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Thank you.
I'm trying very hard to keep them out of it. I have. It was just yesterday when he was accusing our son of smoking pot that got me riled up. I felt I needed to tell my son. Well, I guess basically that is what my AH wanted in a way. Something else to blame on me.
I'm trying to keep the chaos out of the house. I'm trying to keep order. I do tell the kids it's not their fault. That we love them. The kids see him as a drunk. They see it. I don't tell him what goes on. Only yesterday with the accusation of my son. I couldn't help it. Now I feel bad for talking about it to my son. I did explain to my son that alcoholism is a disease and the alcoholic gets in denial about it and trys to blame others for their actions. And that I love him. I didn't say much else.
I'm at work today. First day back after being home last week. It's good to back to a routine. Hopefully this helps.
I can't believe how much denial his is in. It's really sickining. I still can't keep feeling bad cuz he has no money, job, place to live. He did it to himself. If he didn't leave I would still be living with the chaos.
I have me and the two kids to worry about. They are most important. I have to keep telling myself.
I'm trying very hard to keep them out of it. I have. It was just yesterday when he was accusing our son of smoking pot that got me riled up. I felt I needed to tell my son. Well, I guess basically that is what my AH wanted in a way. Something else to blame on me.
I'm trying to keep the chaos out of the house. I'm trying to keep order. I do tell the kids it's not their fault. That we love them. The kids see him as a drunk. They see it. I don't tell him what goes on. Only yesterday with the accusation of my son. I couldn't help it. Now I feel bad for talking about it to my son. I did explain to my son that alcoholism is a disease and the alcoholic gets in denial about it and trys to blame others for their actions. And that I love him. I didn't say much else.
I'm at work today. First day back after being home last week. It's good to back to a routine. Hopefully this helps.
I can't believe how much denial his is in. It's really sickining. I still can't keep feeling bad cuz he has no money, job, place to live. He did it to himself. If he didn't leave I would still be living with the chaos.
I have me and the two kids to worry about. They are most important. I have to keep telling myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Very, I'm sorry to hear things are so chaotic for you at the moment. It's hard to see the wood for the trees when things are like this, isn't it?
When I read about the things your H was saying, it reminded me of a moment of clarity I had when I was dealing with my ex. He kept accusing me of all sorts and painting himself as some sort of saint. Totally contrary to the reality of the situation* and I used to get so angry and frustrated by it all. My counsellor said "Would it make more sense if you reversed the identities in his sentences?" i.e. that the things he was accusing me of were directed at himself and vice versa.
And yes, it made much more sense. So, after that I simply did a bit of translation in my head. It gave me huge insight into what was really going on and allowed me to remain calm in the face of what seemed like an onslaught. I didn't need to defend myself because he was actually confirming my reality, albeit in a language that I had previously not understood.
There are load of articles on the net about projection and transference if you do a search. I am not a big fan of Freud, however there are some of those theories that hold more weight for me than others. Especially when considering forum dynamics, for example.
*not implying that I was a saint!
When I read about the things your H was saying, it reminded me of a moment of clarity I had when I was dealing with my ex. He kept accusing me of all sorts and painting himself as some sort of saint. Totally contrary to the reality of the situation* and I used to get so angry and frustrated by it all. My counsellor said "Would it make more sense if you reversed the identities in his sentences?" i.e. that the things he was accusing me of were directed at himself and vice versa.
And yes, it made much more sense. So, after that I simply did a bit of translation in my head. It gave me huge insight into what was really going on and allowed me to remain calm in the face of what seemed like an onslaught. I didn't need to defend myself because he was actually confirming my reality, albeit in a language that I had previously not understood.
There are load of articles on the net about projection and transference if you do a search. I am not a big fan of Freud, however there are some of those theories that hold more weight for me than others. Especially when considering forum dynamics, for example.
*not implying that I was a saint!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Thank you. I'm trying to put that concept into my head. He thinks he is a saint. "Great father" "Great Husband". He really believes that. Unless he is just trying to justify things in his head where he knows he wasn't a good father or husband and trying to make himself believe it.
I spoke with the kids like I normally do before they leave for school. I have to keep the routine.
I spoke with the kids like I normally do before they leave for school. I have to keep the routine.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Maybe he is protesting too much. Or, using my theory, he is actually telling you what a great mother you are.
My ex used to accuse me of affairs, of neglecting my family, of lying, of not pulling my weight in our joint business, of manipulating everyone around me. None of these were even close to the truth and really destabilized me for a time. Until I realised that the only person it applied to was him........ It actually gave me a lot of power because, not only was he showing me who he was by his actions, he was also telling me who he was, even if it was indirectly.
I am not saying that projection etc happens all of the time, but it is certainly a useful tool in the toolbox. So,
My ex used to accuse me of affairs, of neglecting my family, of lying, of not pulling my weight in our joint business, of manipulating everyone around me. None of these were even close to the truth and really destabilized me for a time. Until I realised that the only person it applied to was him........ It actually gave me a lot of power because, not only was he showing me who he was by his actions, he was also telling me who he was, even if it was indirectly.
I am not saying that projection etc happens all of the time, but it is certainly a useful tool in the toolbox. So,
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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This is common. I guess they figure if they can cloud the waters with false accusations then the spotlight won't be on them? I don't know. I do know that my AH does the same. He claims he left me stranded in an attempt to get me to go to rehab (I don't drink) and that I abuse my daughter (I don't do that either :P)
I'm guessing they have some weird things bouncing around in one of those holes in their heads.
I'm guessing they have some weird things bouncing around in one of those holes in their heads.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 394
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
This is common. I guess they figure if they can cloud the waters with false accusations then the spotlight won't be on them? I don't know. I do know that my AH does the same. He claims he left me stranded in an attempt to get me to go to rehab (I don't drink) and that I abuse my daughter (I don't do that either :P)
I'm guessing they have some weird things bouncing around in one of those holes in their heads.
I'm guessing they have some weird things bouncing around in one of those holes in their heads.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Posts: 311
Thank you. It's just very hard. Today I'm at work and having a hard time. My codi is coming out today. I just want to take care of him. But I"m not. I have my kids to worry about. So sick.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by Duped
They sure do. This is very common. My ExAGF is the Queen of false accusations, and the accusations are almost always a complete turnaround of what the Alcoholic/Addict is most guilty of.
My AH uses all the technical terms to explain to my friends and family why I'm sick. I guess it never occurs to him that you can't say someone is in dire need of intervention with they LIVE with other people and the other people know there is no drinking or drugs going on.
Then again, he likes technical terms. He can bloviate about any subject, just ask him
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