Troubledsister

My nephew's 5th bday is in a couple of weeks. I'm recently back from an interrupted beach trip in late August w my brother's family, my family and my parents. After 2 days at the beach house, me, my hubbie and 2 kids left - to have a real chance at a "vacation" for the remainder of the week. (Nephew was pinching, grabbing, etc..my kids incessantly and my brother (addict) was selfish, bragging to my hubbie about his " other women and other Facebook account" ,his wife is also a drinker, a big enabler and my parents are in denial.)

At any rate, I am distancing myself from my brother at this point but don't want to take it out on my nephew.

Is sending a gift enabling my brother at all? Will he think things are "ok" if I send his kid a gift?

Suggestions please.

thanks!

LexieCat

I don't think you need to detach from your nephew, just because you are detaching from his dad. Sounds like the kiddo needs all the healthy adults he can get in his life.

Giving a gift to your nephew as his aunt isn't "enabling" anybody.

Pelican

I'll bet the 5 year old would enjoy getting a gift from his cousins/auntie/uncle.

His birthday = his gift.

KerBearz

I would send a gift and let the kid know that I love him, I am thinking about him and I wish him a happy birthday. Like Lexiecat said ~ sounds like he needs some healthy people in his life.

coffeedrinker

i think the most powerful message we can give to these young, damaged guys, is that they are worthwhile, valued, and cared about. (heck, i guess that's true for every one of us)

this is why we gift people on their special days.

Troubledsister

Thanks for all the responses! I will send a gift. Its the right thing to do.

Troubledsister

ok. so send a gift to nephew. But send bday email to brother? He's so narcissistic he'll probably view that as an apology from me for leaving the beach house. But I dont know if I should blow it off.

Ideas???

sojourner

Gosh, a dilemma. You could send him an e-mail happy birthday or card through the mail. It's kind of just keeping the lines of communication open. On the other hand, if it is just too "wrong" right now, it won't be the end of the relationship if you don't. I think it's your call.

I think that you realize that, even though you're mad as heck at him, you really would like to see him find a good recovery. And in order to send that message to him, you have to be in at least minimal contact. That's what many of us here on SR are doing - keeping just enough contact to keep the relationship going without taking a front-row seat to their addiction.

Hope that helps.

Mataleao

This isn't about him...who cares what he views it as.....it's never about any of them as far as I'm concerned. At least that's how I try to look at things....It's about you doing what you feel is right or just plain old because it's something you want to do.

bookwyrm

We all need to look at our motivations for doing something. Otherwise I know I'd be right back into codie land because it felt right or I wanna!!!

Its a hard line to tread for me. I know I can over analyse things too! It is just a card. What he thinks about it is irrelevant. Why would you want to send one to him? Or, to put it another way, why wouldn't you send one to him?

Troubledsister

hmmm, well I would want to send one b/c he's still my brother, I love him, and I hope he somehow gets better.

I wouldn't want to b/c ...I dunno.. the no contact thing? My friend/neighbor is a forensic pathologist - has seen lots of dead guys who have o/d'd or drank themselves to death, and said "no contact" - its his best chance at recovering. But sending a card or email seems so small, like not accepting, just staying in a little bit of contact to keep lines of communication open.

My parents are always saying "we have such a small family. we should try to get along, etc.." which makes me feel so guilty again.

bookwyrm

A card is just a small thing. You will decide to do what seems best for you.

Going no contact is a survival mechanism for us on the other side of alcoholism, the friends and family. Please don't think that by going no contact you will somehow 'make' your brother seek help and stop drinking. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it (The 3 C's). Nothing you do or say will make him stop any sooner. But you can help him stop reaching his bottom and finding help by enabling him - and it is so easy to enable!!

Lenina

TroubledSister,

Please don't cut off your nephew from contact. You may be the only stability he has in his life. Sending him cards is a nice and supportive gesture. It keeps the line of communication open between you and your nephew.

I think your nephew is going to have a lot to deal with having an alcoholic, narcissistic father in his life. My aunt was a life-line for me.

Love,

Lenina

Troubledsister

Lenina,

I was referring to my brother in that last thread about no contact. I started out talking about my nephew but then added the thread about my brother. I do intend to send a gift to my nephew on his bday!

Sorry for the confusion.

thanks everyone for the helpful posts!

Erica1972

Love that child....Send him a gift...Adults can be stupid sometimes.....Send the gift