Atman

and literally felt like it was a completely different person...and felt as though you have taken that innocent child, and run them through hell with what you have done as an adult?

alexvt

OMG I use to do that all the time, usually when I was drunk. I use to just stare and cry at the picture and apologize to that little girl. Weird though I haven't done it since I got sober.

Kmber2010

Indeed. What I do focus on is what I was before I drank and the caliber of person I was. That is what I held close to me in those dark days and eventually what I held onto when I got sober. The belief that I am something better than this life I am living and I can change and be a better person.

Good stuff and thx for posting.

mama36

Kim,

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

That is what is on my mother's gravestone...reminder of what I have become and why, and who I intend to become. Seeing that is a nice thing today...when I was drunk it would have been a topic to cry over and be angry about...what a pleasant surprise.

Kmber2010

Huggs Mama. While it is simply a quote.....I draw so much strength from it because it does represent my life.

I can not erase my past and in sobriety (which I never thought was possible when I drinking) I have made positive changes in leaps and bounds. I believe that the course I have been on led to where I am now and has made me a far stronger person then I ever could have believed.

SR has been critical in my recovery because I have others who identify and share with me the struggles and pain of alcoholism and embrace the serenity and beauty of sobriety.

Whether we are sober, have relapsed or are at the beginning of journey in saying that I have had enough and believe I can do it.......SR is a blessing.

What we do - here and now - with our lives is what determines who we are.

Dee74

When I was drinking, sure - mostly with generous dollops of self pity.
Not a good look for me at all...

I've put in a lot of work since then though, and I think I'm doing alright by myself now.
I feel connected more to myself as a child now than I do to the adult I became...

And the detour I took, for all it's self indulgence and wastefulness, and pain and whatever else, helped make up the Dee who's here today...

I believe I can be better, but I wouldn't change who I am now for anything.

D

Jewels83

Yes I have. She was so happy, so innocent. No one, including myself, would ever thought she would become what I have. I wish I was that little girl again....

Hevyn

I've often wished I could reach back in time and tell the little girl to stay away from alcohol, no matter what. I had to stop thinking that way, though - in order to not sabotage the rest of that little girl's life.

It's great to be able to come here and talk these things out. Together, we arrive at some good conclusions. I'm glad you brought this up, Atman. Congratulations on rescuing yourself from a sad life.

aasharon90

I have a picture of her that I
look at from time to time, but
she is so vivid in my minds eye
as I type here.

She is sooo cute. A little child
of God.

She was hurt so bad as a child
by the hands of a sick parent.

Physical and verbal abuse
strickened her with much
fear.

I grew up not as a bad person
but a sick one. With help from
family members who cared set
me up on a path of recovery
that would be an important part
of my life.

I am still that little child in a
grownups body still caring and
loving with experiences, strengths
and hopes keeping me grounded
and enjoying life.

I will always be that loving child
of God till death do I part.

Anna

I don't see any happiness or joy in photos of myself as a child. I see sadness and fear. But, I do feel like I abandoned that child by using depression and anger to get through my life. It took me years and years before I could go back and embrace that lost girl.

stephnc

Yes.

LaFemme

Well yes....but, I don't think alcoholics have a monopoly on this type of thing. Most adults look back on their child self and wonder how they got where they are today (and not in a good way).

Children with abusive homes I can't speak to...only offer my sympathy...every child should have happiness.

traderjane

I can still connect to myself as a child, even with all of the nonsense I've put myself through. Part of the joy I have been discovering lately sober is regaining the optimism, enthusiasm and lust for life that I had as a child. Also, some of the things I used to enjoy doing as a child are coming back to me (arts, crafts, projects of all sorts.)

I had a pretty big sense of humor as a child and I see the same sense of humor in my kids. They keep me young.

lildawg

Mama36's RWE quote put a lump in my throat. It's something to think about, isn't it? And I think LaFemme had a good point that most people, alcoholic or not, can look at a baby picture and wonder what they might have been given different choices, different circumstances.

I wanted to share a poem Blanche Barrow wrote, probably while she was in prison. If you're curious who she is, google her name. She's definitely someone who must have wondered what her life would have been like had she done things differently.

Toronto68

Ha ha, I did some pondering like that a while back. I received a photo of me I don't remember seeing before and that enabled me to "study" the distance in age a little differently from how I normally would with pictures I was more familiar with. And the thought of being an alcoholic crossed my mind immediately and I asked myself whether it made sense when looking at the picture. Meaningless exercise really, but it came up naturally. Then I would just wind up mentally to the present again and get a soothing feeling about the drinking being over.

traderjane

Interesting stuff... I had to google Blanche Barrow. You learn something new every day!

I don't know about the wondering "what if" all the time. You can drive yourself crazy with that. There are so many "what if" scenarios that it's an exercise in futility. I sometimes catch myself wondering, "What IF I had married XXX instead of XXX?" What would my life be like? Of course it's all hypothetical and I will never know.

I prefer not to drive myself nuts with all of that and just accept who I am, with all of my imperfections, and try to practice self love going forward and being the best I can be. That's the yogi in me talking (I practice yoga like 3-4 times per week )

Interesting thread, though!

Horselover

This is an interesting thought and I came across something similar from an author by the name of Louise Hay. She believes in affirmations and coming to love yourself through your inner child. Interesting concept any ways and thought you might get something out of it considering the topic of your thread.

HidLid

I'm not the same person I was yesterday (learned a decent bit about woodworking/carpentry today so I figure I'm a better person today). When I see a picture of myself from a long time ago I'm glad I'm still not the same person, it means I haven't grown at all.

Looking at drunk pics of myself I'm really glad I've decided to no longer be THAT person.