veryregretful

My AH has been gone a week. Last time I spoke with him he had no plans on stopping drinking and getting treatment. Blaming me, blah, blah, blah. I am still wearing my wedding ring and am wondering when everyone took there's off. I'm not sure I want to take them off because we are married still even though not together. I feel if I take them off then it's definately over. I guess I'm having a hard time letting go.....

tjp613

When it's time.... you will know.

I'm separated, too. I"m not ready to take mine off yet, but I know the day WILL come.

suki44883

I agree with tjp. You'll know when it's time. When you know in your heart that the marriage is over, then it will feel like the right time for you.

veryregretful

Thank you. that helps. Just on my way out for the evening. first time in along time..

Sasha4

After all the hurt, pretty much straight away.

I put them in a careful place, until I decided what to do.

People noticed, and I just held my head up high. When they asked why I had removed them, I just smiled and said 'I think you know'

You just do what you need to do

xx

JenT1968

Its a very personal decision, I think I took mine off when I told AH that I was going to persue a divorce, we had been living seperately for six months by then.

I put them in a safe place, to be kept for our son and daughter when they are older, a symbol that they where conceived in love.

The engagement ring, that AH designed for me, has since disappeared from my jewellry box, so I guess they'll have to fight it out over the wedding ring.

DMC

I took mine off in the middle of an argument to make a point.
Haven't put them back on, and not going to.

I think I know where they are, but I just don't care that much.
I think that once the divorce is final, I'll take my engagement diamond and have it put into a solitaire pendant. Just for me.

I'll never wear the ring again, but it is a lovely stone. Probably use the gold in my wedding band to pay for the new setting. I may hang onto my anniversary band, since I picked it out and it doesn't have near the significance of the other two.

Live

This last time I wore mine for a long time.
It is whatever you are comfortable with and what your heart tells you.
By the time I took them off, they meant nothing to me and I simply sold them.
No regrets since.

RollTide

I took mine off when I filed for divorce.

Thumper

I took mine off the day the divorce was final.

It was very hard for me. Very symbolic. Most of me was so happy to be free and have it be over but I cried when I took the ring off. The ring represented dreams I lost myself too. The ring represented the dreams of the life I wanted, wished for, planned on but it did not reflect the life I had. It has been 8 months and I still have a dent in my finger where that ring was for so many years.

posiesperson

I agree with other posters, I just "knew" when it was the right time. I solemnly took them off and put them in my jewelry box when I was ready.

The harder part for me was very shortly after that when my exH (who was not legally my ex at the time, and we still shared a house) took his ring off and left it in the bathroom, next to the sink. He then headed out to do errands and I found it when I went into the bathroom. But after I grieved that (read: sobbing my guts out on the floor) the agony passed, and I was relieved to have gotten through the milestone. It was difficult to see his rather obvious display, but it helped me to let go.

You'll know when it's time.

Hugs,
posie

veryregretful

I've been thinking about taking them off but I don't think I'm ready yet. My AH has only been out for a week. We have been together to over 20 years. We have two 15 year olds.

I just don't think I'm ready. Thank you for your responses. From reading them I'll know when to take them off.

They symbolize so much.

tjp613

This subject has been brought to my attention this last year... My boss has been going through a horrible divorce. He lost his 20 year old son in an auto accident (drunk driving) and, as so many couples do, they couldn't handle their intense grief. Not only that, but his wife was a bit "odd" -- like she had bad anxiety problems -- even before their son died. My boss is the CEO of a good sized public company with all the associated problems and responsibilities. My point is that he had a LOT going on and could have easily directed all his stress and hostility at his estranged wife and no one would have questioned it if he had taken his ring off LONG before his divorce was final. She was driving him nuts! She was driving us ALL nuts!! But he didn't. He kept that ring on until the day he was divorced. I admired that. It was downright inspiring, actually. I *plan* to keep my ring on until I am divorced. We'll see.

Eight Ball

I took my wedding ring off about 4 years ago during one of the many short periods of separation from my AH, when I was angry. We got back together again a few weeks later, but I still havent bothered putting the wedding ring back on. To me it feels like the piece of paper saying we are married, its nothing more than that. We are still married, still together - who needs a wedding ring to prove that. I do understand those who find it symbolistic and upsetting to remove it but I have been fortunate not to have felt that way. After 22 years of marriage living with an alcoholic, a wedding ring isnt the happy ever after and all that important in the scheme of things, not to me anyway.

ChrrisT

Mine go on and off depending on my mood.

Sometimes it feels like they are burning my finger.

Eight Ball

My ring coming off was another escalating gesture. Years and years ago it started with me sleeping in the spare room then asking him to sleep in the spare room, then me asking him to leave, then me telling him that I was leaving him and then the ring came off and more recently the word 'divorce' is being brandished about by both of us. All part of the gestures to try to get him to stop drinking which havent worked and have had to get bigger and bolder - Merry-Go-Round marriage. He is still drinking 22 years on!

SlvrMag

I kept mine. I sometimes wear it on the other hand because, well, it's pretty!

The ring still means something to me, it was a special time in my life. It wasn't a bad marriage, I screwed it up because of my addiction. I wonder what he did with his? Probably flushed it!

J-Diver

I took mine off and hung them on a bottle on the kitchen table. Told him he was more married to that than to me. I told him alcohol was his "mistress".

Just do it when it feels right to you.

Kassie2

I couldn't help but read what others had to say - my AH/RAH? takes his on/off according to mood but especially when separated. For me, I didn't take it off until earlier this year when angry to make a point back at him. No one seemed to notice - odd? - but I didn't feel good about it. So, I decided to put it back on - sometimes I feel stupid for wearing it when he doesn't even talk to me - but someone told me that wearing it sends a message to the other person. To me, I would prefer to wear it until we are actually D - if he ever gets there - or I am ready to go there myself.

It is a symbol and there it gives us something to direct our energy toward in either direction. The hardest part for me is recognizing that you can't change anything with a symbol except maybe how you feel.

What is weird for me is that during our first year of separation he decided to convert to RC - Then every time he was angry with me he took off his ring and said he was getting a D. People at work were the ones who knew and didn't say anything - when he went to classes he wore it. Something just doesn't translate.

veryregretful

Thank you for your replies. I took mine off. Now they are on the windowsill in the kitchen. The other day I was down the basement and he put his by the TV. He always did that. Took it off, put it on, etc. This morning before work I just decided to take them off. I think when I have them on I just get more obsessed with thoughts of him and the good times. So today they are off. He hasn't made any plan that I know of to stop drinking or go to treatment or AA so I don't see him coming home anytime soon.

J-Diver - that is a good idea. I wish I thought of that while he was here. Passed out with a beer between his legs in the basement. Should have stuck them on the bottle for when he finally woke up from his stupor. lol He would've just drank more.