Mom death exacerbating AH drinking

Old 09-09-2010, 04:09 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
SoloMio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Mom death exacerbating AH drinking

My MIL died three weeks ago. AH got through it pretty well, I thought. He's always been very close to her, and in fact, two years ago, we moved her to live in the house next door. So I expected a rough time, but it was just delayed.

Now he's using it as an excuse to ramp up his drinking. Because of the drinking he's been exhibiting depressive behavior--"I'm finished. I have nothing" kind of talk. I have told him drinking is only going to worsen how he feels, but of course, that doesn't matter.

I really don't know how much more of this I can take. I gave him $20 for gas yesterday, and he came back drunk, with an empty tank. My daughter texted me from work asking "Is Dad wasted? He sent me a teary message saying how much he loves me."

Then when I confronted him about the gas, he denied, over and over that he spent the money drinking. He insisted he spent $10 on gas.

Do I have be the one to fill his gas tank because he can't take $20 to the gas station? Do I have to be the one to buy the food, and sit in judgement on his every request for every dime? He is not working much--his business has dropped off to nothing, so now it's a matter of his spending the money I earn, and I'm sure as heck not going to throw my hard-earned money down the tubes. But that means I have to patrol his every expenditure, and do all the purchasing for household stuff so I can control the cash.

And if I decide to run away to a temporary rental for the winter, which I am thinking about, am I cruel to do it right after he lost his mother?

I'm one of the folks here who truly loves her AH when he's sober, which is why I've hung in for so long. We have a very close family, which makes me reticent to be the one to break it up, but I just can't sit and watch this slow suicide. It's just too painful. I really am doing better with the letting stuff happen and not being all codie, but every now and then I, too, fall off the wagon. It's easier to tolerate when he's the happy, lovey drunk, but this sad, morose drunk is hard to watch.
SoloMio is offline  
Old 09-09-2010, 08:39 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Being Silent so I can Hear
 
Still Waters's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I know an alcoholic who has used his fathers death as an excuse to drink for about 14 years now.

Poor woe is me is a good excuse to drink I guess.

I don't know what to tell you Solo, I believe you know deep down what you need to do, for you.
Still Waters is offline  
Old 09-09-2010, 10:02 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Solomio. I'm sorry for the death of your MIL. My MIL passed away years ago, but I still miss her.

In the last few years before I left my STBXAH, I had to take his name of my bank accounts and debit card because he'd deposit maybe $100 - $200 every couple weeks and still pull out $100-$500 a couple times a week. (No that math doesn't work.) On the rare occasion that I had a little cash, he'd steal it out of my purse and blame it on our young son who was 1 or 2 at the time. I had to make sure that the bills were paid or figure how to pay the past due amounts and fees after I believed him when he promised to pay a certain bill for the month. I ended up begging him for part of his paychecks so we could pay the bills, but told him he could keep the rest to spend on gas, steak, pizza, whatever he wanted (it usually ended up being vodka). It was not fun.

I was the only person who could decide when it was time to leave. When I made the decision it was based on what was best for me and my son. In order to move forward, I had to make a very conscious decision to try to not give too much weight to my STBXAH's 'needs', or I would probably never have left him. There was always something that he was dealing with: He was still depressed about his mother's passing. He was still depressed that he had to close his business and he (even though it was WE) had to declare bankruptcy, and he had to start working for some one else. His employer - a large international company - was 'still messing up [his] paychecks' or they didn't pay him again that week (Yeah, right.) He was getting cr-- from his supervisor(s) about him doing work he wasn't supposed to do. (Huh?) Then he told me he had cancer - which turned out to be lie, but....

I guess my point is that there was always some 'reason' that I shouldn't leave or shouldn't have left him to take care of himself. I had to decide what was best for me and my son. I also had to figure out what guilt I could deal with. (I swear that the guilt for staying gone from my husband as he dealt with cancer nearly ate me alive, but there were other factors in our relationship that outweighed even that.)

Best wishes and hugs.
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 09-09-2010, 10:29 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
We have a very close family, which makes me reticent to be the one to break it up

He is the one breaking up the family - not you, SoloMio. Those have been his actions, regardless of how much denial/blaming may go on in his head.
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 09-09-2010, 10:58 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
So sorry for the death of your MIL Solomio-

Do you have the insurance or resources for rehab or at least a therapist,
if your husband is willing?
He obviously needs professional help with the depression, grief, sorrow + alcoholism.

You too have to address your own needs as you are doing.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  
Old 09-10-2010, 03:24 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
SoloMio-
I am sorry for your families loss. Your husbands grief is probably very real, but it is still not fair the way the alcoholic takes the whole family hostage. I applaud you for not wishing to have to control everything, since your h is not in control of his own self.

perhaps an ultimatum is in order- in hopes that it would stop him from being comfortable enough to keep up his behaviors.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It is heartbreaking, I am sure.

hope he hits bottom, so he may wake up, and see what he has to lose.

hugs,
chicory
chicory is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:29 PM.