steve1840

i am scared to enforce my boundries because i feel by doing thati am pushing her outthe door back into the world of drugs. i am so scared of her getting worse. i know she tries to do as little as possible and i know she loves me and fears losing me. i a mscared of letting her go because i will have no way to contact her or be able to let her know she is loved. it is a bad situation for her having me as the ONLY person in her life and that becomes hard on me. i am so so lost right now.

outtolunch

There's that dang ego again.

You are not that powerful. None of us are. If all it took was our love, absolutely none of us would be here, now would we.

Being afraid to enforce your own boundaries is being afraid to accept that you have no power over her and her choices. That's your demon. And you have control over this one.

steve1840

otl-

isnt it possible that an addict will try to curb their behavior so that they wont lose something or someone? i get what you are saying about the (my) ego and all, but i have seen herlessen her use to try to please me and to help her curb her own use?

it so so painful to see someone hanging by a thread, as you all know. i too often feel the other persons pain and as she says it pains her too what she has put me through. i know addicts lie, but i know they also do have some real feelings. they may be moinsters at times, but are still people. i can hardly take seeing a beautiful person fall like this.

MsPINKAcres

All addicts/alcohlics are BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE affected by a horrible disease.

In the grips of the disease they will do many things to try to control their affliction - but I learned not to be so proudful to believe it was about me or for me.

It was about being able to get their needs met.

Until they fully embrace an attitude of wanting recovery for themselves - all actions had the motive of maintaining "their norm"

the I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I can't make it without you, I need you; I must have your; I , I , I, I,

Steve - if you were powerful enough that your actions might force her to do drugs - then why can't you be powerful enough to have actions to force her to stop doing drugs?

see - there is no logic in that thinking -
my friend, as hard as it is - please consider . . .

Let Go and Let God . . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita

steve1840

you know what it is? she is homeless and i feel i am sending her back to the streets. if i knew she had someone to stay with i'd feel better. plus her plan is to go to salvation army on monday and to stay clean until then, although i have no idea what she is doing while i am at work. i just wanthte nightmare to end.

suki44883

You are not saving her, Steve. When she decides she wants to use, she will use. She may be using less now, but the time will come when she will say F*&K it and use as much as possible. It is obvious that you care very much for her, but you cannot possibly care for her more than the parents of addicts care for their children. Still, they had to face the fact that they could not save them and it was too hurtful to have a front row seat to the drama. Watching someone you love destroy themselves is heart-breaking, so for your own well-being, you need to let her go. She isn't ready yet.

suki44883

Why is she waiting until Monday to go to the Salvation Army? Why can't she go today?

steve1840

suki-

her parents are part of why she uses. dad is a pill addict and stepmom is not a good person- BAD NEGATIVE environment. Mom lives across country.
the reason she has to wait until monday is that while in detox they gave her subs, and she has to test completly clean, even though the hospital told them they gave her the meds. then she was depressedwhen she got turned away and used drugs again. it really REALLY sucks becasue she was so looking forward to getting in there and finally made it through detox to get there and they told her no. how do they expect an addict to be clean for 3-5 days ontheir own. arent those soem of the hardest days? if the addict can stay clean for that long by themselves maybe there wouldnt be a need for rehab. it doesnt make sense but i was there when the intake guy said we had to come back. now i am afraid that she wont make it, like the window is closing and the drugs are going to take over again. i cannot have her stay at my place because my parents are staying w me and they would spot the addiction a mile away, i cannot afford another hotel, so basically she has no where to go for 3 1/2 more days and i have to work 2 jobs tomorrow, how is she going to make it?

suki44883

It's heart-breaking, I know, but it is not your job to keep her clean until Monday. I'm sorry that it sounds heartless, but honestly, if she wants to stay clean until she can be accepted at the Salvation Army, then SHE is going to have to be the one to do it. You are already going insane just trying to keep all the balls up in the air. This is HER life and SHE has to be the one to put in the hard work, not you.

steve1840

well put. it's one of those things when you intellectually know something, but emotionally are helpless. after the detox and after salvation army said to coem back i na few days, she wanted to use. i thought and said, look, you have 3 days clean, why use now, this will ensure you can get in. but there was an excuse of how upset she was. then yesterday, she wanted to use- badly. we argued etc. her reason was she just wanted one day to feel happy and not fight with me. we only recently started to fight. we had many good "last" days. for a couple weeks inthe back of my mind i began to fear that she might not be as ready as i want her to be, i think she kind of wants to be carried to the place and gently put into a bed, but not do any of the hard work. i am just so scarerd for her.

Ann

Steve, I lived in a world filled with fear for years. With me it was my son. What kind of mother would put her son on the street?

The answer is, a mother who loves him enough to let him fall and then maybe get the help he needs. As long as I provided all the comforts of home, as long as I made sure his needs were met, his problems were taken care of and that he had a safe place to live...I was robbing him of lessons he badly needed to learn.

The founder of this site, a recovering addict named Jon, used to say that we could love them right into their grave. Those words hit home with me.

She will use no matter what you do. She will get clean no matter what you do. You (and I) don't have the power to control that. Love cannot save them if they don't want to save themselves.

Whatever you decide to do, please know that we support you and keep both of you in our prayers.

Hugs

barb dwyer

it's also possible that the REAL fear isn't her 'going'....
that it's more you ... not knowing what to do ...after.

what I'm seeing - it's not REALLY about her... it's about YOU.

she has nowhere to go
(that you know about)

'won't she get better if I love her enough?"

no.

This forum,
and theF&F of alcoholics are FULL of posts by people coming to that realization.

I really hope you'll do the next best thing, hon.

cece1960

Hmmm...If I had a nickle for every addict that blamed their parents... I think what Suki was trying to say is that we parents are forced to step back from our "babies" (they will always be our babies) and let them fall, or suffer watching them destroy themselves. I imagine there are peole who care (or cared) about my son who thought I was the meanest mom on the planet, until they too were forced to turn their backs.

Her mom is the mom that flew cross country to see her? Be very careful of believing an active addict in virtually anything they say. Of course there's a reason she's an addict, she continues to use and she can't stay clean for rehab. Of course she wouldn't know what to do without you and of course she's "trying". I'm sorry Steve, but the truth is without you she can't as easily use.

Its a terrible life's lesson most of us here were forced to learn.

steve1840

I'm sorry Steve, but the truth is without you she can't as easily use.

Its a terrible life's lesson most of us here were forced to learn.





its crazy how quickly you get swept under. i knew this logically for a while, but kpet saying - tomorrow. just like her! its been going on for like 2mos now. i have to stop it.

MsPINKAcres

hey steve
how are YOU doing today
what have you done for YOU today

to help keep you sane, healthy and breathing?

if you are anything like ME - so consumed with the addict - probably not much -

HOW HEALTHY is that?????

just throwing out some food for thought???

again know this is said in the spirit of love, and understanding . . .

if you think you are going to try to tackle the task of keeping her "sober" this weekend - better get yourself mentally, physically and spiritual prepared - gonna be a long long long weekend . . .

PINK HUGS my friend and lots of prayers!!!!

Rita

fourmaggie

Please someone take him to a AL ANON meeting...

THE 3 Cs
you did not cause it
you can not control it
and you can not cure it....<< LEARN IT