veryregretful

My AH has been gone for almost a week. He left on his own. He doesn't have a job. He doesn't have anywhere to go so he is probably sleeping in his truck somewhere.

We spoke today and at the beginning of the conversation he was saying he wasn't sleeping, eating, etc. He had no where to go. Noone to talk to. I think he was thinking I was going to let him come home. I wanted to but I know that would not be a good idea. My 15 y/o dd has depression and cut in the past and most of her problems stem from him drinking.

Then he started getting nasty on the phone. I asked if he was going to stop drinking and he said no. He blames me for his drinking, everything from the day I met him until today. 20 years. I ended the conversation that he needs to fight to get his family back.

After we hung up I was second guessing if he really did have a drinking problem. Maybe it was me. I layed here for about an hour and my thoughts changed. Thank goodness.

Later this afternoon, he texted me that he left the basement door going to outside unlocked. Mind you we live in the city and it has been unlocked for a week now. Anyway, he texted me "I'm so alone". He also texted me he was listening to a song and was crying like a baby and couldn't stop. My heart was aching.

He is probably drunk right now.

My question is. How do I stop this second guessing that he is an alcoholic? I know he is. He's verbally abusive when he drinks. He passes out everywhere. He pees the bed. He hides whiskey bottles. Says he's had 2 beers when he's had 10. I know he is. But why doesn't the codie side of me shut up?

I have to be strong. I know. For my kids and for me. He stays in the basement and drinks. Doesn't eat dinner with us. Doesn't hang out with us. I'm trying to be stong but this isn't fun.

I think I'm having a pity party right now. Just a few minutes ago I replied to a thread and was feeling pretty good about him not being here. Now, I'm sad.

Are the feelings I"m feeling a part of this him not living here, him being an alcoholic, etc. I honestly do not know what to feel.

I know when I look at my kids faces I'm doing the right thing but I'm fine one minute then sad the next. I feel guilty because they kids don't have their dad here anymore. (he wasn't even really here before)

I could write a book so I'll stop now. Is this part of the grieving process? As I don't think he'll get help and if he does I know he won't be back for months. I can't let him and disappoint the kids more.

Lola1024

You are doing the right things to protect yourself and your children from his behavior and you are doing a great job holding strong. I think some doubts are normal - I know for me whenever I have set a boundry I always waffled around inside and felt about as strong as jello. Practice does help, you get stronger as you have to repeat things over and over. You held firm today and did not let the manipulation get to you - tomorrow you can do the same.

Just keep doing those next right things and keep the focus in today on what is best for you and the kids. You don't have to solve all of your problems or know all of the answers at once.

:ghug3

veryregretful

Lola - Thank you. I know it's right but just have to stay strong.

Right now I actually don't want to go to sleep because in the morning is when it is hardest. That's when anxiety sets in. It doesn't help I"m on vacation from work either. But I think being home this week instead of work is best because I'll have got out a lot of emotion. I didn't want to be an emotional wreck at work. The kids are at school so that's when I think more.

I guess I should try and get some sleep. Tomorrow I have a list made up of what I need to get done so I do have some sort of plan to keep busy. I'm even going out on Friday night. Haven't done that in a long time. I'm kind of excited. I always stayed home because I didn't know if he was going to get fall down drunk in front of the kids so I thought I would be able to stop it. I guessed wrong all these years.

I'm going to try and sleep. If I can't, I'll be back on in awhile. lol

bookwyrm

Trust yourself.

This was one of the hardest things for me to learn to do. Years of gaslighting by XAH didn't help either! I had lost trust in my ability to 'see' the truth. Coming here and reading gave me perspective on XAH's quacking. I'm still learning to trust myself - to beleive myself first and not to second guess (that one is so ingrained I doubt I'm ever get rid of the second, third and fourth guesses!).:ghug3

veryregretful

Thank you. From one time I was reading here someone mentioned 'Quack, Quack, Quack' so when he started saying something I didn't really want to listen to I just started saying Quack, quack quack. I started laughing at myself. lol I have to learn to trust my feelings. i haven't been able to do that in ages.

now, it's time for sleep. have to get up in 4 hours for the kids to go to school. good night all

JenT1968

Hi lovely,

You don't have to decide whether he is an "alcoholic" (although it seems likely based on your posts) but instead you could focus on are the list of behaviours you describe here

and here

and here:

are these list of things stuff you want to live with? I bet you've explained to him that they aren't, and I bet despite a million second chances he's still doing them. Which doesn't leave you much choice does it? either you twist and deny your own needs and those of your children in order to keep living with him whilst he does those things, or you take the action that you have and remove him from your environment. Sometimes the range of choices we have are all crappy, we just have to pick the best one.

I don't think we can expect that we will feel always glorious making the best choice. We can expect to feel sad and perhaps angry and regretful about the fact that the range of choices is so rubbish, even when we are sure that the decision is the right one. I think the second guessing is sort of part of that, it's trying to "create" a better choice, one where he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't do these things or only does them because of you and therefore there is something you can control: not doing the things that make him drink. But it isn't reality, he makes his own choices, you don't control anybody elses actions and reactions, so it isn't a real choice.

All your emotions are fine, and natural, and NORMAL. Uncomfortable feelings are part of life, people who don't exhibit co-dependent behaviours also feel all of these things when a relationship comes to an end or is in a difficult phase. The difference, I beleive, is what they DO about those feelings, which is that they take time and acknowledge them, and don't beat themselves up and don't act to jump back into an ongoing painful situation just to temporarily alleviate the current uncomfortable feelings.

I need sleep, or I don't function, try to make sure you get enough, and maybe think about limiting your exposure to him via phone and text, it will give you time to sort your own mind out without him heaping a load of undeserved guilt, anger and "poor me" on your head. Be gentle with yourself ((hugs)).

Learn2Live

VeryRegretful,
It sounds to me like talking to the alcoholic brings you down. It sounds like when you talk to him, he says things to you in such a way as to cause feelings of blame and guilt and shame and pity. In my experience, this is normal for people with alcoholism. These are tools that alcoholics and other addicts use in order to continue the ugly cycle.

Every day when I get up in the morning, I make a decision. I decide whether or not I am going to allow this kind of person into my life today. And every day pretty much, I decide "NO." I will not allow into my life, into my very presence, any person who is toxic. And every day, I decide not to be toxic myself. It takes practice but it can be done. I have had to teach myself many things, including how to say no and not feel guilty about it. How to let things go. How not to automatically react. How it is OK to just walk away from a person or conversation.

Have you tried going to Al-Anon? I strongly recommend it (((hugs)))

veryregretful

Today, I am not going to respond to any texts from him. I'm going to ignore them. It does bring me down when I here from him. He is doing the typical alcoholic behavior. It's so sad.

Yes I have tried alanon. I've only been to on place. I didn't really care of it. I will try a different place. My kids have been to alateen before and they do not want to go back. my daughter is going to therapy. my son, he seems good and doesn't want to go to therapy. I'll just keep a good eye on him.

nodaybut2day

veryregretful....do you HAVE to have contact with your AH? Is there a reason? The children are older, and if they want contact with him, they can go ahead, but other than obtaining crucial financial and legal information from him, I suggest you reduce contact to a minimum. If he calls, you do not have to answer, especially considering the fact that he quickly becoming manipulative and abusive during those conversations.

Find yourself some stock phrases, such as "I won't accept being spoken to like this; I'm hanging up", practice them and then use them. I know it's hard because there's years of habit in place, but it will definitely help you create that space you so need to find yourself again.

Also, when you are feeling strong, write down a list of the things you won't have to deal with now that he's gone...
* No more pee on the mattress
* No more passing out on the floor
* No more cleaning up empties
* No more being blamed for EVERYTHING under the sun!
* etc...
Stick it someplace obvious and read it often. It'll help strengthen your resolve.

barb dwyer

You're doing well in that

you're learning to focus on 'what is'
rather than what it 'might have been' ....

if you have a good resource circle
(friends, family, church whatever)

then that's where you lean now.

If you don't
then it's time to find another meeting.

I can't stress enough
the blessing of having people around you in 3-d
who know.

Not who've heart about it
or saw it in a movie
or 'can imagine'...

people who know.
because they've lived it.

They know a way out. A way through.

And that's what you're ultimately going to be looking for
when you're ready.

wow1323

It is all part of the process of letting go. xo

transformyself

does it matter what you call it?

Things changed for me dramatically when I realized I didn't CARE if he was an A or not, didin't care if he agreed with me, didn't care what he thought of me anymore. I wanted, needed certian things from him and if he didn't or couldn't do it my sanity is more important than having a husband.

Hell, I'd already been alone for 10 years, this just formalized it.

veryregretful

Thank you!

Today I have not wanted any contact but I do go looking at my phone to see if he texted. I'm trying not to look. I am not going to text him.

I had a bad moment right before the kids came home from school. I had tears in my eyes when my daughter came home. I told her that I was sad about daddy and she said "you don't need him. you can do this alone" wow, from a 15 year old. she opened my eyes and she believes in me. i feel like i am on top of the world.

my son was planning on going to a concert with his dad, my AH. since he is not living here anymore i asked him if he wanted his dad to still take him to the concert. he said no. he would figure out a way to go.

the answers are staring me right in the face. the kids. they even sat with me and had dinner tonight. amazing.

i'm still very sad about the whole situation but i know each day will get better.

dollydo

Your children need you to follow thru, to show them that your husbands behavior is not acceptable and that you are going to set a good example for them.

What would you say if your daughter was living with a man like your husband and kept living with him at the expense of her children?

fourmaggie

please go to AL ANON...set your BOUNDARIES and stick with them...enough is enough...

the three C's
1. you did not cause this
2. you can not cure this
3. you can not control it...


this is what you need to know...detach is HEALTHY...and living HEALTHY for yourself and your adult children is NOT selfish...

Jadmack25

Well my dear, now you know you are NOT alone because your daughter and son are right beside you, in not wanting any more of your "husband's" rotten behavior. Listen to them, gain strength and determination from them, and don't worry about whether or not AH is really an alcoholic (I bet my pension he is) or just a bad tempered heavy drinking jerk.

It doesn't matter what causes his bad behavior or abuse of you, it only matters that it happens.

Ignore his phone crying and "I am alone" pity party....he brought this on himself by hiding away in his basement drinking and ignoring family time with you and his kids.
It is quacking and if you have a duck quacking in your ears long enough, boy, don't you get sick to death of that darn "quack quack".

If you are on the phone and he starts his abuse or blame game, just say "goodbye" and hang up.
Going to Alanon meetings is face to face vindication that you are not the only woman in the world of addiction chaos, that others have been and are still in it, and you can survive intact regardless of the A's status.

He walked out and away from his family, that was his choice......if he regrets doing so and begs to return, then he needs to address HIS problems first, or he will just continue as before. Your kids have made it plain and clear as to their feelings, and you all deserve better in the future....whatever that future holds.

God bless