MaryGoRound

Hello,
I am usually in f&f in Alkie section...And I was working no contact. I recently
allowed myself to be free for contact and I understand that its in their hands.

I guess in a sense, they are all perpetually "on the fence" about seeking help. But what do u say to someone who thinks about going, but is scared and uncomfortable about going?

What is the best way to encourage someone who goes back and forth with that initial step of getting help?

Hopefully this isn't silly to ask, as I understand everyone is kind of in the same boat...

I'll think i'll post this in Alk section too, for my friends over there to chew on

tjp613

The thing that worked in our situation with my son was to set the boundary "either you go to treatment or you find another place to live". Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! You just worry about what is acceptable to YOU in YOUR life, create the boundaries that work for YOU and take it from there. The rest is up to them and totally out of your hands. Totally.

Troubledsister

The time my brother went (to inpatient) he literally broke down and begged to go. He had been out for 4 nights doing coke and had lost 10 pounds. So he was really scared. Like they say, "you've gotta hit rock bottom".

MaryGoRound

Yes. I blocked him again. He went beserk after I mentioned it too many times. I'm sure he was coming down...he's probably nowhere near taking that step as I sometimes believe.

Its actually kind of funny to watch how self-destructive he is. He missed me, but yet can't even pretend to be clean and god forbid nice for three days. So back to backing off.

MaryGoRound

so much for "being on the fence" One thing I know for sure is that his using has escalated since we used to talk last year. And he either hits bottom, or dies.

ahhh..back to step one of al-anon...

I'm kinda glad it only took three days this time for me to realize though. That means I am much smarter, stronger.

Sorry, lol I tend to get lazy in explaining in posts. Its all so long-winded and the same story as everyone else's I like to read and relate, but its hard to explain the situation thoroughly enough for everyone to understand w/o writing a novel sometimes...So I just write like one liners, that don't really justify it all.

Thanks, I agree with guys. I kinda just wanted to hear how people got that last nudge to go.

sojourner

This is a good question. I do not think my AS is on the post as much as I hope him to be. Sometimes it feels good to make some kind of connection with him, and when he says things in the direction of getting help, I feel like he's not as "out of it" as he appears to be most of the time. That gives me hope, but it's a false hope and then I spend the next period of time going through all the 5 steps of the grieving process.

Different people have different ideas on how much we should be there with the "you've got a problem with drugs/alcohol, and you can't solve it on your own" message. People who are into the "no more letting go" mode will say that we need to be looking for a crisis as that is the best time to intervene. Other people will say, "no, his/her HP will provide other people to steer them to recovery because we are not their HP - just step out of the way and keep your mouth shut."

I don't have the answer to that. It's not cut and dried. Do what works best for you and trust that your HP is in charge of the whole thing and that your actions/inactions cannot block our HPs work in the lives of others. Sounds like you're doing that already.

Sojourner

Starburst

thanks for this thread, i am also in this place of wondering, my AH wants to go but cant do it! I tried lots of different ways of telling him, but nothing yet. I am hoping he will just one day get the courage he needs, he does finally realize, he cant do this on his own anymore! One step closer..

suki44883

It's my belief that if a person is on the fence about getting help, they just aren't ready to quit. When they are ready, there will be no waffling, they will do whatever is necessary to stop.

MaryGoRound

Very interesting. Glad this thread is helpful is some way...

Sojourner I understand and can relate to what you are saying, because I have read differing on whether backing off completely is the best thing to do..some research suggested that there are two stages: phase one is when their addiction is developing and continuing w/o many consequences or thought and stage two is the contemplation stage where they are aware of the damage and part of them wants to seek help. the problem with stage two is that people can stay here for years, however long it takes for the benefits of seeking treatment outweigh the benefits of getting high. Some doctors believe that once someone is in stage two it helps to get the person to see the benefits and have some sort of encouragement.

I think you have a great point. I have to know what my boundaries are and stick to them. I knew I was going contact again strictly to be that encouraging voice, let him know I still care. Still pray. Still believe in him.

Its a big philosophical question..to think about the hp deal and think about how we as individuals play a part in that.

Suki - your perspective always helps me. Thank you so much for keeping me in line. You have an extremely valid point. If someone is on the fence. They simply aren't ready and that is the bottom line.

It breaks my heart (although not as deeply as it has, thank GOD) to know that he may never be ready. Also, TakingCharge mentioned in the other thread that it takes usually a very long time, like developing self-esteem...
The reality is that this person has SEVERE trauma issues...his dad used to beat him when he was little for telling the therapists about his dad's drug use and beatings after he witnessed his mom's death. I always thought okay, he will be okay he just needs to get help.

But the fact of the matter is part of him still really doesn't want to. And actually, I can understand why. Yup not ready. And shame on me for pushing someone because IIII am needing him to be ready in time for the plan for us that I have in my head.

The wheels are turning, but I believe time is needed and one last final kick in the but to get him goin and he may.

I certainlt won't be waiting for or talking with him, but I will be sending love and prayers from afar. I am grateful I have had an opportunity to get him to hear me for a bit, even if it means nothing in the end.

ninja7

Hi, suki44883! I agree with your opinion. When we are ready to quit drink, we do whatever is necessary to stop. But in my case, at first my wife urged to go to AA. At that moment, I have not decided to quit drink. Before I attended AA meeting, I had never seen someone who quit drink in my life. At my first attendance, I thought they could quit drink, I could. Though I decided quit drink forever, I decided quit drink for a while. After several attendance in AA, I met many elderly person who quit drink very long time. Then I decided to quit forever in my life. For me, the decision had come up gradually. I think at first time, persuasion and compulsion attendance in AA or rehab are not bad. Action sometimes bring us decision. JMO.

MaryGoRound

Thank you for adding Ninja. You have made me remember to understand that coming to that final decision to say okay, I really can't do this anymore. i can't use ever again is a very gradual, organic process.

Much like going no contact is or was for me.

My god, I just hope he comes to that realization before its too late.
But I have faith to keep me going. And to keep me from contacting.

I'll just post all my woes here. What a great place this is! My friends and family are just hit or miss with support. Sometimes they yell at me to move on, or sometimes they really listen. I am so grateful to have found this site. Still to this day.

tam

I have come to the conclusion, that every illness has a fence. it truly is up to the person to want to seek help and do everything humanly possible to survive. what if I didnt seek my treatments for my cancer? I didnt want to sit on the fence and wait and see what happens, I knew what would happen. but like any other illness some patients continue to sit on the fence. what if we were diabetic and continue to eat poorly? what if we had lung cancer and continued to smoke? sadly, like all illness, loved ones suffer alongwith with the patient. maybe we cant enable or do loving things like other illnesss, but there is still a fence and we cannot control if they want to die on the fence, get off the fence, stay on the fence, fall off the fence, get pushed off the fence, because truly even as hard as we try to push them off the fence as in any illness, it truly is ultimately in their control. as in any other illness, we suffer as well, I never knew what my husband went through when I was ill as now I fully can see, but he had no control of me being on a fence, he did however try to persuade and encourage me with support to seek remission and fight so that is truly all we can do for them as well.