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I thought I was okay...

Old 09-08-2010, 03:12 PM
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I thought I was okay...

I did superb all day until about 230 when would normally be about the time that I would start cleaning up my desk and emails and head home from work. I have not had a drink in, well today is day 5. I have my workout gear on and I just don't want to do it. I just want to cry. I haven't smoked in 3 days and quite honestly it is not bothering me a bit, just the booze. I am going out of my mind and panicking. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I have to stop this obsessing.

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Old 09-08-2010, 03:14 PM
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Mama, come to chat so we can talk.
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Old 09-08-2010, 03:36 PM
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I must have missed you, sorry.
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Old 09-08-2010, 03:57 PM
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Sorry...I logged out to eat supper. Wanna chat?
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:05 PM
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I'll be in the chatroom for about ten more minutes then off to AA...hope we can talk, and hope you're doing ok. If I don't catch you in chat b4 my meeting I'll be back on around 10pm (EST). Take care of yourself, ok?

Stephanie
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:13 PM
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Hi Mama

the early days are rough - I dunno what your position is on face to face support but I pretty much planted my keister here...there was always someone to talk to, and they got me through the panic.

Stay strong - you can do this

D
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:25 PM
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Mama, I think if that time of the day is hard for you, then make a plan. Do something special to treat yourself on your way home from work. Or plan to stop and talk with a friend. I found that shaking up my routine really helped me get past the witching hour for me, which was right after supper.
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:28 PM
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I do have a bit of time here and there to be on the site but I feel guilty because I have my son and my husband here, my son is 8 and I feel like I have sort of ignored him enough while drinking over the last few years. I walked on the treadmill for about 5 mins, not long, but I just don't have my run in me today. I had a snack and now I am just relaxing...I'm hoping this is all going to pass soon.

I ordered the Big Book 4th Edition today and I am off to my first AA meeting tomorrow night. I wanted to go last night and tonight but my hubby can't be here to take care of my boy so I had to put it off...maybe that is a sad excuse.

I need all the friends that I can get on here...I appreciate all of the help that you all have to offer.

D.
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Old 09-08-2010, 04:34 PM
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It's all very normal, Mama...as long as I stayed firm and didn't drink and worked on my recovery like you're obviously doing, that time of the day feeling did get easier.

Anna's point about changing the routine is a good one too

D
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Old 09-08-2010, 05:30 PM
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Mama! I see you're up there in Alberta. The mountains are beautiful up there as I remember them. Is there any chance you can take the family over there for a little hike? Maybe some overnight camping as long as there's no booze? Get some good Canadian air into your lungs. Make you all feel so much better I hope! Hang in there! Every good wish.

W.
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Old 09-08-2010, 05:42 PM
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Hi Mama:

Sorry to hear about your difficult time, the early stage of recovery is tough, but I know you can get through it. Try to rest, eat good food, vitamins, find something relaxing to do, and drink water, is helps detox the body and give energy.

I am also from Alberta, it is great to have someone from the same province. Weather has been crappy.

Stay in touch and keep us posted and stay strong... one day at a time.
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Old 09-08-2010, 05:51 PM
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Hey w...I actually went on a hike day before yesterday and I actually had a really great sleep, comparitively, that night. Great suggestions though - to get out there and get going.

Yes ItWillBeWorthIt, the weather is crappy but in all honesty it is easier for me early in my quit cause when it is hot it always meant sitting on the patio drinking and smoking cigarettes...so I'm happy for the poopy weather.

Thanks to all of you for the support today - I was in major panic mode when I got home from work and I DID IT...Another day with no booze!!! Thanks to all of you and some seriously heavy prayers and the most positive thinking I could conger up!

D.

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Old 09-08-2010, 05:56 PM
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Hi Mama,
I am on Day 28, and the last few days I have not wanted to do anything once the afternoon rolled around!! That was my drinking time. If you don't feel like working out, then don't, but just don't drink. Do anything, or nothing, but don't drink. And you are not going to make up for what you see as neglect of your son the first week, so please - take care of you, you are doing great!! You will be sober and a GREAT mom again, just give yourself some time to heal.
(((())))))
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Old 09-08-2010, 06:16 PM
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Thanks Nancy - I have actually managed to sneak by on the mom meter over the last few years simply because my hubby kinda took over when I was too drunk. Thank God we had him here.

I decided this afternoon that I would rather have some ice tea and relax and watch a bit of tv until it is time to wash my boy and get his homework done. I deserve that much...we all do.

You are all awesome and if it weren't for you guys my guilt would be THROUGH THE ROOF but you help me to see that I am human and that I am "sick" in a sense right now and I need to rest and get better.
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Old 09-08-2010, 06:29 PM
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Some moments (hours, really) were the toughest for me those first two weeks. You can do this; .... for today.
Sometimes , for me, I had to postpone a workout till the next day. My body needed that extra time to recover.

Stay Strong Mama, ...this will pass.


.
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Old 09-08-2010, 07:24 PM
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Thanks topspin. I am so thankful that the people here can relate. I was in a terrible place when I came home from work tonight and I admit, I was snappy with my husband and he had the audacity to say, "what's wrong with you". Now don't get me wrong, I have no right to be short with him but should he not know what is "wrong with me"? I love him very much but from the standpoint of a person who can drink loads if he wants to and just turn it off and not have it bother him it makes me angry. People do not understand.

You know, for years when I drank and then beat myself up about it my hubby said I was just being hard on myself for having a good time - he loves to drink with me. Then on or around day 5 of straight drinking each night, my power would run out and the real drunk Donna would shine through angry and ignorant, mean to all around me and then the next day the hangover and then start with the, "you beat yourself up too much" speach while I laid on the couch or stayed in bed any chance I got with no energy or will to do anything.

Anyway, just a bit of a rant because I am in a bit of a mood. I did some homework with my young boy today and I just couldn't finish it all in one sitting because I was being too short with him. I hope to be better soon than this person who feels aggitated and pissed off. My son said he hates his homereading because I raise my voice at him when he struggles...I so don't want to do that and I have been doing well but tonight there is just no patience. I feel sad for that.

Funny thing - I have been making suppers again lately - hubby was doing most of it for several months now - and today I realized that it has been so long since I planned a week of meals, never mind a day or two I just could not come up with a single idea. We had grilled cheese sangies and tomatoe soup...how creative. That too will just take time.

I'm exhausted and I just need to rest...I hope to sleep tonight.

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Old 09-08-2010, 08:06 PM
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mama, there is nothing wrong with grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup... our family loves that type of meal.

As for getting irritated or short tempered, it does get so much better. The same thing happened to me... and I, too, had to walk away and give myself a "time out" to regroup. Now after 22 days sober I have SO much more patience and I am enjoying cooking and eating once again. I am actually doing some purging, organizing, cleaning, etc. You will get your energy and positive and happy mood back. You just need to hang in there one day at a time and you will get a huge reward... sobriety.

Keep us posted on your journey... I know it will be successful.
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Old 09-09-2010, 06:12 AM
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Remember that "Rome wasn't built in a day". This is going to take time. Everyday you will get stronger and it will get easier. But for now just don't drink today. You may not get support from hubby but remember that this is for YOU! I am pushing a year now and I believe that my husband thinks his drinking partner will be back after the year is over. I don't think he will ever understand. Hang in there.

P.S. I don't think that I would have tried to give up two vices at the same time. Makes it even harder!
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Old 09-09-2010, 07:09 AM
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It is hard to give 2 things up at once but in another day or 2 there will be no nicotine left in my system and I will be good to go.

I have a question - I have read SO many posts about people who fell off the wagon and are trying so hard to get back on again, this seems to happen for a long period. I am in the same boat, I quit all the time but this is the first time I have tried it here, ordered the big book, and plan on going to meetings. Does the fact that all of these people feel doomed to fall mean that it has to happen that way? I feel like "if they did it maybe I can too"...drink another time I mean. Is that just my mind telling me that it is okay to drink one more day and then try again tomorrow? I want to do that, but I don't want to at the same time cause here I am on day 6...yay...

I didn't ever think it was going to be this hard and sometimes I think that hubby thinks I am making this much more than it should be. Will anybody other than fellow recovery pals ever understand?

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Old 09-09-2010, 07:15 AM
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Of course, relapses do not have to happen. For many people they do, but don't take it that everyone has to relapse. Good for you on Day 6!

I also wanted my family to understand what I was going through in early recovery. It was so important to me that they 'get it'. They didn't want to know. Yes, they wanted me to get better, but they had no interest in what I was going through. Learning to respect their feelings was a big step for me.
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