Financial mediation tomorrow
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Financial mediation tomorrow
Tomorrow I find out how much stbxah gets to take of my pension-sigh. I have come to terms with it in some ways in others-yep, still pi55ed off that I supported him for 12 years and het he gets to have half my pension and 10 years of service (so although I have worked for the government for 20 years. . .it will be as though I only worked 10 and as though he worked 10). The money I came to terms with--the fact he gets 10 years of my work life--that is what is rubbing me the wrong way. I am not sure who the moron was who made up that rule--it was probably for a good reason though--just in this case it is being twisted and used.
On a good note--once he takes my money tomorrow and we sign--the final divorce hearing will be in 2 weeks (I hope). Send positive thought my way tomorrow morning that I remember HP is in charge.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference
On a good note--once he takes my money tomorrow and we sign--the final divorce hearing will be in 2 weeks (I hope). Send positive thought my way tomorrow morning that I remember HP is in charge.
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My BF has recently gone through the same thing Wife2Kids, so I feel for ya'. But he is still angry, especially when he has to write the alimony check every month. Boy does he get ANGRY!!! I told him to have the thing just come out of his bank account automatically so that he doesn't have to actually write the check (so that he doesn't get angry each time).
My best advice for you is, just let go. It is just money. There is more where that came from. Easy come, easy go. Anyway, it is worth the money to get him out of your life, isn't it? And live (and think) in the Present Moment, hon, not in the last 20 years. The last 20 years is water under the bridge, all that is left is the cash. Breathe deep and smile a big smile of satisfaction that soon you will be FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Will be thinking of you in the morning, hoping for NO STRESS for you during this procedure. :ghug3
My best advice for you is, just let go. It is just money. There is more where that came from. Easy come, easy go. Anyway, it is worth the money to get him out of your life, isn't it? And live (and think) in the Present Moment, hon, not in the last 20 years. The last 20 years is water under the bridge, all that is left is the cash. Breathe deep and smile a big smile of satisfaction that soon you will be FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Will be thinking of you in the morning, hoping for NO STRESS for you during this procedure. :ghug3
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Hi wife,
I am sending you positive thoughts.
I will soon be in your position. My AH has left last Thursday. This is about the 4th time that we have split because of his drinking. This time I think is different as my 15 year old daughter is really affected by his drinking. She has depression and was cutting in the past.
I also work for the government and I can retire in 1 1/2 years. I will then get a pension check for the rest of my life. As I will be 46 I will (my old plan) retire then get another job as my children will be attending college soon and would like to help with expenses and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't work. lol
Anyway, if I retire in a year and a half, and my AH does not get sober and we divorce he will be entitled to some of my pension. He really has not worked the 20 years we have been together so he does not have any kind of pension, 401ks. I would have to give him money every month from my pension check.
Where I work I get a certain percentage after 23 years and that percent won't go up for another 8 years so it would be stupid to stay for no more percentage in my pension. As my children will be 16 when I retire, with my pension check and a full time job, I still will be struggling but if I have to give him some of my pension it would be more of a struggle.
I need to see what happens between now and then to see if I will retire. I can't afford to retire if he is going to take some of it and staying in my present job after my retirement date will not make my pension go up.
I don't think it is fair, as you do, that I have worked for 20 something years to keep a roof over our head, clothe and feed kids and AH and then just hand him money every month. I haven't yet been to an attorney as he has only been gone almost a week, I'm going to have to find out what he can take from my pension.
As it is, I have to file bankruptcy as we were living off credit cards because he couldn't find work. (Let's say, why do I need to work cuz my wife works and won't throw me out) I'm also thinking about selling the house after my bankruptcy is discharged but then I have to give him 1/2 the equity. For what? not working all these years and not helping.
Anyway, I am sending you positive thoughts to you!!
I am sending you positive thoughts.
I will soon be in your position. My AH has left last Thursday. This is about the 4th time that we have split because of his drinking. This time I think is different as my 15 year old daughter is really affected by his drinking. She has depression and was cutting in the past.
I also work for the government and I can retire in 1 1/2 years. I will then get a pension check for the rest of my life. As I will be 46 I will (my old plan) retire then get another job as my children will be attending college soon and would like to help with expenses and I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I didn't work. lol
Anyway, if I retire in a year and a half, and my AH does not get sober and we divorce he will be entitled to some of my pension. He really has not worked the 20 years we have been together so he does not have any kind of pension, 401ks. I would have to give him money every month from my pension check.
Where I work I get a certain percentage after 23 years and that percent won't go up for another 8 years so it would be stupid to stay for no more percentage in my pension. As my children will be 16 when I retire, with my pension check and a full time job, I still will be struggling but if I have to give him some of my pension it would be more of a struggle.
I need to see what happens between now and then to see if I will retire. I can't afford to retire if he is going to take some of it and staying in my present job after my retirement date will not make my pension go up.
I don't think it is fair, as you do, that I have worked for 20 something years to keep a roof over our head, clothe and feed kids and AH and then just hand him money every month. I haven't yet been to an attorney as he has only been gone almost a week, I'm going to have to find out what he can take from my pension.
As it is, I have to file bankruptcy as we were living off credit cards because he couldn't find work. (Let's say, why do I need to work cuz my wife works and won't throw me out) I'm also thinking about selling the house after my bankruptcy is discharged but then I have to give him 1/2 the equity. For what? not working all these years and not helping.
Anyway, I am sending you positive thoughts to you!!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
learn and four - you must have posted as i was writing mine. i agree with you. someone else has said to me "if you have to give him $500 a month for happiness or you don't want to and stay with him - which would you rather?" It would have to be the give him the $500. I don't like it but for my kids and my happiness it would be worth it.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't the responsible one and maybe I could get money handed to me. Today I am bitter. Sorry all!
Sometimes I wish I wasn't the responsible one and maybe I could get money handed to me. Today I am bitter. Sorry all!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
More positive thoughts for you.
I feel your pain. My xah got all mine. I have zip and I'm way to old to save it all back. It still makes me grit my teeth but I'm so thankful to close that chapter of my life. That was traded so that I did not aquire any of his student loans so while I divorced without retirement, I also divorced without debt.
I feel your pain. My xah got all mine. I have zip and I'm way to old to save it all back. It still makes me grit my teeth but I'm so thankful to close that chapter of my life. That was traded so that I did not aquire any of his student loans so while I divorced without retirement, I also divorced without debt.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: central texas
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie 
LET GO AND LET GOD...practice the slogans...$$is the root of all EVIL...keep SMILING..youre rid of the b@st@rd!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Wife2Kids and VeryRegretful,
I know that with federal government pensions, if the spouse remarries, they do not get the pension payments any longer. That may apply to your pension too. Make sure you have a divorce attorney and/or financial advisor who will do the best job protecting your assets in this regard.
I know that with federal government pensions, if the spouse remarries, they do not get the pension payments any longer. That may apply to your pension too. Make sure you have a divorce attorney and/or financial advisor who will do the best job protecting your assets in this regard.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
You have a choice you know, that's why it's called mediation. My exah made a lot of noise about wanting alimony and not wanting to pay any CS. Well he got neither wish because I refused to give in. I did agree to split our property 50/50 and I refused to take any of his debt.
I told him to think long and hard about if he thought he was smarter, more determined or resourceful as I am (things I learned being married to an A).
"While you were drinking I was planning and thinking, who do you think will run out of steam and $ first? Not me."
Negotiating a divorce is a game of chess, not checkers.
I told him to think long and hard about if he thought he was smarter, more determined or resourceful as I am (things I learned being married to an A).
"While you were drinking I was planning and thinking, who do you think will run out of steam and $ first? Not me."
Negotiating a divorce is a game of chess, not checkers.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I have to see an attorney. I don't want child support as he doesn't work so I wouldn't get any anyways. He is applying for SSDI which I want the checks that are for the kids. Before I make any decisions regarding the house or retiring I'm definately going to consult an attorney. He didn't help contribute much to this house and supporting us so why would I have to support his butt when all he cares about is drinking?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Our mediation is in late October.
I will end up paying some alimony for a few years, although we haven't negotiated terms. (And I don't plan to roll over either.)
I look at it as anti-vomit money. Payoff, as it were, so I NEVER have to listen to him throw up again. (Lord knows I had enough of that to last me several lifetimes.) That's good enough for me. Perhaps yours did something specific and you can couch the terms of the payoff like I am. My friends laugh when I tell them how I see it, but they GET it.
As the others put it, mediation is just that. You don't have to accept what he wants, any more than you get to dictate what he gets. Good luck!
I will end up paying some alimony for a few years, although we haven't negotiated terms. (And I don't plan to roll over either.)
I look at it as anti-vomit money. Payoff, as it were, so I NEVER have to listen to him throw up again. (Lord knows I had enough of that to last me several lifetimes.) That's good enough for me. Perhaps yours did something specific and you can couch the terms of the payoff like I am. My friends laugh when I tell them how I see it, but they GET it.
As the others put it, mediation is just that. You don't have to accept what he wants, any more than you get to dictate what he gets. Good luck!
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Join Date: May 2009
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by veryregretful: I have to see an attorney. I don't want child support as he doesn't work so I wouldn't get any anyways.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I'm off to get the kids ready for school and off to mediation. Will let you know how it goes. Unfortunately for me--once he takes it is gone. How he takes it will make a difference. I have not hit 55 yet so if he wants to take the money and run--he only gets half of my contribution. If he wants to wait until I am 55 he can get half of all of it. That is the part that is rotten--regardless of his chioce--he still gets to take 10 years of my service whether he waits to use it for a retirement account or not. If he remarries it makes no difference. . .he still gets it.
The money part bothers me less than the fact he gets to claim 10 of my 20 years of service as HIS when he never got off his butt for the most part in the last 12 years to work.
But I am calm and my attorney will be there. She also let me know the mediator is excellent as seeing through BS so that is good because I have been very forthcoming and honest. . .stbxah-NOT!
The money part bothers me less than the fact he gets to claim 10 of my 20 years of service as HIS when he never got off his butt for the most part in the last 12 years to work.
But I am calm and my attorney will be there. She also let me know the mediator is excellent as seeing through BS so that is good because I have been very forthcoming and honest. . .stbxah-NOT!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I still cannot fathom how a world with people smart enough to fly to outer space and back, and solve very difficult puzzles.....can't figure a way to see that someone who bludges of their spouse, drinks their way thru life, ruining their and family's life in the process, forcing sober spouse to pay the tab....does not get a cent of sober spouses wage, retirement benefits or whatever.
It seems to reward the pain in the butt, for being a pain in the butt....and punish the working spouse as well as take from others in the family, and for what?
So butt ache can remain one and drink themselves into their grave.
Someone hand me a straight jacket, it must be ME who is mad.
God bless
It seems to reward the pain in the butt, for being a pain in the butt....and punish the working spouse as well as take from others in the family, and for what?
So butt ache can remain one and drink themselves into their grave.
Someone hand me a straight jacket, it must be ME who is mad.
God bless
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I need a straight jacket
Well mediation went about 1000% worse than I could have imagined. He got 43% of my pension. Got his chlid support lowered AND does not have to pay a dime in variable expenses. Why? Because they said in all reality I cannot force him to look for work anymore than I can force him to stop drinking, drugging and being violent.
So I went in and came out in much worse shape because he is a complete slime. I think there is a special place in hell for people like him. Needless to say I am not thinking even remotely fond thoughts of him right now.
The only good thing that came out of it is he was told he needed to buy basic essentials for the kids-like clothes. His attorney tried to argue I could just send some over and he could return them--my response was-well I tried that and he did not return them and I am not buying the kids new clothes every 2 monhts on the pittance of child support he isn now paying.
I know I cannot change this and my attorney said my case was exactly the type of case where the law could be manipulated so eventhough he is a drunken doped violent ass-NO ONE CARES!
I took the rest of the day of because I feel so ill.
So I went in and came out in much worse shape because he is a complete slime. I think there is a special place in hell for people like him. Needless to say I am not thinking even remotely fond thoughts of him right now.
The only good thing that came out of it is he was told he needed to buy basic essentials for the kids-like clothes. His attorney tried to argue I could just send some over and he could return them--my response was-well I tried that and he did not return them and I am not buying the kids new clothes every 2 monhts on the pittance of child support he isn now paying.
I know I cannot change this and my attorney said my case was exactly the type of case where the law could be manipulated so eventhough he is a drunken doped violent ass-NO ONE CARES!
I took the rest of the day of because I feel so ill.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I'm so sorry wife2kids,
Maybe I'll just not divorce him. He doesn't have to live with me and I don't have to divorce him. Maybe that would be better for me. Having a divorce final doesn't really matter to me. I think in his stupid drunkin mind I don't think that he would even know where to begin and he certainly doesn't have the money for an attorney.
keep your chin up!
Maybe I'll just not divorce him. He doesn't have to live with me and I don't have to divorce him. Maybe that would be better for me. Having a divorce final doesn't really matter to me. I think in his stupid drunkin mind I don't think that he would even know where to begin and he certainly doesn't have the money for an attorney.
keep your chin up!
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