newagerml

I have no idea what I was thinking. I grabbed 3 Tylenol 3 pills Saturday night. Come Sunday I took 3 Norco pills ... I didn't even get what I consider *high* either time, although I am sure I acted differently towards others.

My entire belief system I had built up in myself is gone. Depression is maxed out. The worst part about all this is I honestly don't know why I did it. I mean don't get me wrong I had problems but things looked like they might have been turning for the better. I had hit a meeting the night before. It's like the story in the Big Book - I simply hadn't thought about it and just did it without thought of the end results.

I am angry and disappointed in myself. I am going through what I know is post opiate use depression. I feel useless to the world. I feel like the fight is to big again. I don't want to use ... it did me jack **** for good. I don't want to drink ... I know it won't do me jack **** for good.

I actually do not want sympathy or to hear "it's O.K. we all make mistakes"

I just simply don't get why I let myself make this mistake. i'm an addict .. yeah I get that. But it can't be an excuse forever. I have next to no will power at times it seems and act irrational even when sober at times. How do you work on will power ?

Dee74

Will power never worked for me.

Acceptance works much better for me - accepting that I was, in my case, an alcoholic and that drinking alcohol was always going to be bad, catastrophic even, for me helped me immeasurably.

Once I got it in my head the old way was no longer a viable option, no matter what, I started moving forward.

I had moments where bottles appeared in my hands - but I dumped them and reached out for help and support.

Look at what you need to add to whatever you've been doing, then draw a line under what happened.

Many of us had falters and false starts - it's what you do now that counts

D

firestorm090

I think Dee hit the nail on the head, we have to get it into our heads that the old ways of coping just don't work. We've bought into the lie for so long that it still fools us. It's the lies that alcohol and drugs tell us that keep us stuck. I know these are chemical concoctions, but once ingested they seem to take a form of actual life, ours. They take our minds, our emotions, our health and then they lie to us repeatedly, and after a while we buy into the con. We begin to believe the lies like our lives will be better, this time will be different, one more time won't hurt, we can handle it, etc.

We literally have to reprogram our thinking and understand when our minds are playing games with us. We know the truth, but we don't heed the truth, and we suffer the consequences......again. Over and over, we fall for the lies in our own head. Believe me, we are not cool when drunk, we don't think better, we aren't better looking, we aren't more fun to be around; these are just more lies our addiction tells us. When we can stop buying into the con, we begin to make progress.

wpainterw

The way you work on will power is: First you get rid of all the pills and the booze in the house and you don't bring any more in. Second, you get yourself back to a meeting and keep going to meetings, work the program and don't trust your mind for a moment since your body's trying to get it to think up all the ways it can get you back into deep s..t. And quit beating yourself up over what you've done in the past. Focus on doing the next damn thing and eventually you'll break out into the clear. Not easy! No one ever said it was easy! But there it is. Good luck.

W.

mama36

WOW - loving that! Thanks!

I also loved yours Firestorm - OMG!

It is so hard sometimes to hear that voice or to believe somehow that one more time is okay or that this time will be different.

You people are amazing.

Newagerml - I don't think there is a person in the world that is perfect or has not slipped at something, this is no different. I have been on the wagon a ton of times in the past...this time it has to stick and I have to tell myself that every 10 minutes right now.

We all need to huddle and work together!

D.

DayTrader

If you're a true addict:
1. it's not an excuse nor is it not an excuse....it just IS
2. it lasts forever
3. will power will be of no aid whatsoever.

will power may work but, like Dee, it never worked for long for me. It would work for periods of time but, sooner or later, I'd be right back at it again. NA might be worth checking out.

Anna

I think it's about self-esteem. I went through the same thing with alcohol, and self-sabotaged myself for a long time. I ended up feeling so hopeless and helpless. Finally, I had to believe that I deserved a good life. You deserve a good life and you can do this.

nancylee

I'm with Dee on this. I have a very strong will, I am willful and stubborn and can make almost anything I want to happen. Except not drinking.

Almost a month ago I said, This is killing my brain, and ruining my life. I cannot drink anymore. My body and brain cannot take it anymore. I need to find a new way to cope with stress, boredom, happiness. I am searching for that way. But drinking is no longer an option.

That is what it took for me. You can find your way, also. Best,

newagerml

Thanks everyone for the posts.

I went to a meeting again last night ... turned in my coins ... Got a new one.

Tonight I will actually be hitting an NA meeting - although I am as much an alcoholic as an addict ... Just different breeds, none the less I am a horrible person when I drink and don't quit till it's gone. I'm actually amazed I quit after two such small periods of using the opiates - but none the less still pretty much ashamed. I think the one thing I am really picking up is it is truly about self confidence. Ironically the best way I have found self confidence is turning my life over to the care of god.

artsoul

It really was hard for me to think that with a little more willpower I still couldn't beat this thing. Finally I had to give up on the willpower approach. I knew I couldn't do it - I saw myself drink so many times the very same day that I promised myself I wouldn't. I surrended to the idea that I would continue to drink unless I got some support, starting praying and started thinking differently. I don't understand why, but I think we need to surrender/accept our condition so that we can then deal with it.

Sometime when I'm feeling a little insecure in my sobriety, I think of the saying "what you resist persists." I turn my attention towards INTENTION - in other words, where do I want to be in 6 months or a year or ten years? It's like replacing a negative image of ourselves with a positive future and dwelling on that. I think it's helping! (I haven't been doing it very long, but something does feel different inside when I do).

Keep hanging in there!:ghug3