eggdogg1234

Hello, again. My ex stopped by last night out of blue. It has been about a year and a half since I asked her to leave our home and eventually filed for divorce. We did the occasional physical relationship, if nothing else to remind each other that love still existed between us or just out of habit. I was heavily involved in al-anon at the beginning and eventually tapered off due to availability (school) and personal issues with the program. I still see my councilor regularly. Blah blah blah. I knew immediately when she walked in the door that she was using again. She asked for money, and I half stepped and bought her some food but no cash (she is not off her rocker yet, just mopey and sad...unresponsive). Since last night I have had a real hard time finding my center. I have all this school work to do, and I can't seem to fully engage. Because we are not married and not living together the impending feeling of doom is thin, almost foreign. At the same time it feels just as strong as ever, the knotted stomach, the sense of dread, the lack of inner peace. I called my councilor and will be seeing him on Monday. I have no car anymore and it is rainy here, so I will not be going to a meeting tonight. I was a day and a half into quitting smoking, but not anymore. I don't have anyone to really call and vent to, so I came back here to....well vent.

keepinon

welome back..sorry as well. Amazing how its like no time has gone by and WHAM! we are triggered. Hang in there. The beauty of havinf some recovery under your belt is that you know where to go for help and you can snap out of it quicker! Sounds like you are doing the right things.

Kindeyes

I hesitate to say "welcome back" because that means that an A has stepped back into someone's life.........but I'll say it anyway.......Welcome Back to SR.

I understand how easily we can be knocked off our center (or at least I can) when the A in my life buzzes through and leaves a trail. It seems I'm always trying to stay centered. I feel like a weeble....you know....weebles wobble but they don't fall down.

Stick around......you'll find your center again.

gentle hugs

Ann

I too say welcome back. And I want to say that it's a very good thing you are recognizing what is happening to you.

Once we have some recovery under our belts, denial is no longer an option, and we are wiser for the lessons already learned.

She's using. Only she can make the decision to stop, and the less comfortable she is with addiction, the sooner that may happen.

You can't change her, but this time around you have good tools to help yourself.

You don't have to step back into her darkness. Hang on to your light and keep going.

Hugs

eggdogg1234

Thanks all. I found myself pacing last night with my phone in my hand (did not use it though) having a new conversation on an old topic in my head:

Someone I care about "needs" my help.
You "need" justification.
I "need" retribution from her for putting me in this spot.
She did not put you in this spot you did.
I am fine, she "needs" my help.
You are not fine, and you need your help
Stop it, she is in pain and could use a friend and a hug
Your embrace is not warm, it is calculated


Ann, denial is much harder now, but in this new spot I feel so exposed to myself. I don't like knowing that I am addicted to her drama and troubles, it makes me feel like a psycho. A cold calculated emotional junkie. Everything was going great until she showed up and I tied off and slammed her troubles in my arm. It has been over a year and part of my brain still thinks my light can outshine her darkness. As if I have some control of her life and her decisions, as if I can take away her consequences...as if as if as if.

Sleep made me feel a lot better though, and my day is shaping up to be a good one. I am not fixating on her, and I am so so glad I was able to make physical and mental space between me and her during this last year. Without having my own bed to sleep in with my dog and waking up alone, I think I would be right back to square one...looking for a way out. Where as now I can go about my day, and do what I feel I need to do without regret. Thanks again.

ThatLittleGirl

I don't like knowing that I am addicted to her drama and troubles, it makes me feel like a psycho. - I understand completely. It is so painful to admit our addiction to the addicts...because for so long we've been in denial ourselves. I know I've said a million times...well, once I move out I won't be so anxious, won't feel the compulsion to involve myself in exah's problems, etc... Then it was once the divorce is final...now it's once the house sells... It's been my choice to stay in the middle of his addiction in one form or another. Exah hasn't invited me in...I've invited myself in...and it sux to admit it...but I'm right where I want to be...and when I choose to detach firmly and not use future milestones as an excuse to stay...I will, but not a moment before then...

I would say to talk to your counselor...do some reflection...read any old literature you may have (even the stickys at the top of this forum)...and definitely stay here on SR for support. We all know where you're at...and support from those who understand is one of the best salves to an old wound that won't seem to heal...!!! Practice not perfection is what I always say...I wish you the best!!!

tjp613

VERY well said and boy, have I been there!!

I suggest not answering the door next time.