Just when you think you don't need Al-Anon anymore...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Just when you think you don't need Al-Anon anymore...
...something happens and suddenly you're frantically trying to remember what you learned there.
FTR, XAH and I are divorced. It's over. He doesn't see DD any longer (thank God). XAH has a son, DSS, who is now 13. I helped raise DSS for 6 years while being married to XAH. We grew very close and I often felt like his surrogate mom. When we moved here, DSS chose to move with us for the school year. When I left XAH, things got really bad for DSS (I'd heard from various sources) and early this summer, he chose to move back to Toronto to live with his mother. I was ecstatic that he finally was able to get away from his abusive, manipulative and alcoholic father. He contacted me via snail mail, saying he wanted to be in touch with me, and that he was aware that his father had forbidden me to contact him OR ELSE legal action would certainly be taken against me.
Again, I was so ecstatic to hear from DSS. I wrote to him a long letter, trying to explain the way things went, and how badly I felt for abandoning him to his father's care. He wrote to me via email recently from a new account, saying his father had control of his other account and could i please write to him again. I responded and just tried to keep things friendly.
This morning I received an email from DSS' new account, but it was from XAH. This is what he wrote:
"Dear NoDay,
Quite some time ago you were instructed by me (XAH, DSS's father) and K (his mother) not to have contact with DSS. We made it very clear that legal action would follow if you did.
As was always the case, you are not to communicate with DSS, who I will remind you is a minor.
In your e-mail to him here you have made it very clear that you are assisting him (a minor) in keeping information from his parents (his legal gaurdians).
To assist you in not getting yourself into further trouble, I have taken control of all of DSS's online profiles and blocked him from them. None the less do not contact him again in any way. If he should contact you, I suggest you briefly explain to him that you are not allowed to speak with him and leave it at that.
Regards,
XAH"
Can I just say how horrified and appauled I feel at this moment?
First of all, receiving emails from XAH makes my heart run a marathon. And now I can't stop tearing up for poor DSS. I'm petrified that XAH has found a way to keep him with him, despite DSS' plans to attend school in Toronto. He was visiting his father this last week, and I imagine that it's when XAH managed to manipulate his son into telling him *everything* OR ELSE
I've been going mad trying to figure out how to help DSS and what I could do...and there's really nothing to be done. Once again, I'm helpless.
Please HP take care of DSS who's once again under his father's control and may very well be unable to get away from him.
FTR, XAH and I are divorced. It's over. He doesn't see DD any longer (thank God). XAH has a son, DSS, who is now 13. I helped raise DSS for 6 years while being married to XAH. We grew very close and I often felt like his surrogate mom. When we moved here, DSS chose to move with us for the school year. When I left XAH, things got really bad for DSS (I'd heard from various sources) and early this summer, he chose to move back to Toronto to live with his mother. I was ecstatic that he finally was able to get away from his abusive, manipulative and alcoholic father. He contacted me via snail mail, saying he wanted to be in touch with me, and that he was aware that his father had forbidden me to contact him OR ELSE legal action would certainly be taken against me.
Again, I was so ecstatic to hear from DSS. I wrote to him a long letter, trying to explain the way things went, and how badly I felt for abandoning him to his father's care. He wrote to me via email recently from a new account, saying his father had control of his other account and could i please write to him again. I responded and just tried to keep things friendly.
This morning I received an email from DSS' new account, but it was from XAH. This is what he wrote:
"Dear NoDay,
Quite some time ago you were instructed by me (XAH, DSS's father) and K (his mother) not to have contact with DSS. We made it very clear that legal action would follow if you did.
As was always the case, you are not to communicate with DSS, who I will remind you is a minor.
In your e-mail to him here you have made it very clear that you are assisting him (a minor) in keeping information from his parents (his legal gaurdians).
To assist you in not getting yourself into further trouble, I have taken control of all of DSS's online profiles and blocked him from them. None the less do not contact him again in any way. If he should contact you, I suggest you briefly explain to him that you are not allowed to speak with him and leave it at that.
Regards,
XAH"
Can I just say how horrified and appauled I feel at this moment?
First of all, receiving emails from XAH makes my heart run a marathon. And now I can't stop tearing up for poor DSS. I'm petrified that XAH has found a way to keep him with him, despite DSS' plans to attend school in Toronto. He was visiting his father this last week, and I imagine that it's when XAH managed to manipulate his son into telling him *everything* OR ELSE
I've been going mad trying to figure out how to help DSS and what I could do...and there's really nothing to be done. Once again, I'm helpless.
Please HP take care of DSS who's once again under his father's control and may very well be unable to get away from him.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
What a dick. Of course there's no legal action he can take against you but still. What a shame your SS has such a jerk for a father.
I can relate because my step childrens father is a jerk and a con artist/used car salesman that would even scam his own son. While my oldest SS was putting himself through college working full time AND a full class schedule, his father pressured him into getting a credit card and maxing out the cash advance and loaning it to his father promising to pay back my SS, which never happened. He graduated last spring with a BS degree, a maxed out credit card and a ruined credit score.
My step children are older and thankfully we stay in touch and hopefully always will. We'll meet for lunch or dinner when we can. I hope that in the future you can stay in touch with your step son.
I can relate because my step childrens father is a jerk and a con artist/used car salesman that would even scam his own son. While my oldest SS was putting himself through college working full time AND a full class schedule, his father pressured him into getting a credit card and maxing out the cash advance and loaning it to his father promising to pay back my SS, which never happened. He graduated last spring with a BS degree, a maxed out credit card and a ruined credit score.
My step children are older and thankfully we stay in touch and hopefully always will. We'll meet for lunch or dinner when we can. I hope that in the future you can stay in touch with your step son.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I know it's a case of letting go Learn2live...it's just so much harder because it's my former DSS whom I love dearly. When it came to XAH, it seems all the b.s. he had made me go through made it infinitely easier to let go.
Jazzman, I sincerely hope that when DSS is older, we can keep in touch. Conversely though, XAH might very well try to get in touch with DD when she is older, to try to convince her of his worthiness as a father. Another thing I won't have any power over...
GAH!
Jazzman, I sincerely hope that when DSS is older, we can keep in touch. Conversely though, XAH might very well try to get in touch with DD when she is older, to try to convince her of his worthiness as a father. Another thing I won't have any power over...
GAH!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
Urgh...how frustrating for you. I understand how you want to be there for DSS and of course you love him..but I'm going to have to agree with Learn2Live on this one. Let it go. He's old enough to know that his father is controlling the situation and it isn't you 'abandoning him'. I'm sure he will contact you in the future.
"XAH might very well try to get in touch with DD" - in my opinion, keeping contact with DSS at this point also allows XAH to keep close tabs on you and DD. Whereas creating a some distance for awhile might help the situation in the future. DSS will contact you (maybe in a couple of years) but will be old enough to keep it from his father and will additionally at that point realize the importance of keeping your and DD's life details quiet from him.
Hang in there and remember that DSS clearly knows how much you love him.
"XAH might very well try to get in touch with DD" - in my opinion, keeping contact with DSS at this point also allows XAH to keep close tabs on you and DD. Whereas creating a some distance for awhile might help the situation in the future. DSS will contact you (maybe in a couple of years) but will be old enough to keep it from his father and will additionally at that point realize the importance of keeping your and DD's life details quiet from him.
Hang in there and remember that DSS clearly knows how much you love him.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
in my opinion, keeping contact with DSS at this point also allows XAH to keep close tabs on you and DD
You really gotta be 'up' on your abbreviations to read this page sometimes.
((((((Noday))))))
When he's old enough, he'll look you up.
Meanwhile, let the separation be a complete one.
Move forward, this is kind of sideways.
Looks like code.
Anyway -
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
You guys are right, of course.
I've had the serenity prayer taped to my computer screen since last year but I hadn't really been "saying it" lately, if you get my drift. Today, for the first time a while, I actually prayed to HP to give me some strength and to take care of DSS. It doesn't matter if he comes back into my life or not; so long as he's safe and loved, that's what matters to me.
I've had the serenity prayer taped to my computer screen since last year but I hadn't really been "saying it" lately, if you get my drift. Today, for the first time a while, I actually prayed to HP to give me some strength and to take care of DSS. It doesn't matter if he comes back into my life or not; so long as he's safe and loved, that's what matters to me.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Barb, I posted this thread to help me with the shorthand. Hope it helps!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...shorthand.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...shorthand.html
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
If it's any consolation, I am in a similar situation with my niece and nephew who I was close to since the day they were born. I have not been able to see them in years. Their mother is a practicing alcoholic (and likely still practicing drug addict) who does not want ANY interference to live her life the way she wants to live it, i.e., don't work, drink whenever, and ignore and neglect her children. If she allowed us to see them, she knows there would be consequences to her sick behavior. There is nothing left for me to do but give it over.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear Lord, forgive me for the anger I feel at this antithisis of a man, husband and father, who is STILL dripping his poison over his son, and also please forgive me for what I long to do to him. Of course we have come to understand what this creep is like from all your past posts, so no surprises possibly coming from him, as regards his controlling and moronic commands to you.
What would surprise me immensely, would be for him to actually follow any of his so many threats.
Had vision of me on a stock horse with a stock whip in my hand and this bombastic prat, running like hell in front of me. Now THAT I would really love, in fact could make a herd of these jerks from some of those posted about on SR, and I include some women in the herd also.
Ah, to bed and perchance to dream.
I agree that in a couple of years, this lad will likely come to see you and maintain contact with you, and as soon as he is legally able....will tell Daddy dearest to go to H.ll, and stay away from him. Will I feel sorry for Daddy at all? NOT a bit. He will have done a perfect job of wrecking their father/son relationship by his own actions.
God bless
What would surprise me immensely, would be for him to actually follow any of his so many threats.
Had vision of me on a stock horse with a stock whip in my hand and this bombastic prat, running like hell in front of me. Now THAT I would really love, in fact could make a herd of these jerks from some of those posted about on SR, and I include some women in the herd also.
Ah, to bed and perchance to dream.
I agree that in a couple of years, this lad will likely come to see you and maintain contact with you, and as soon as he is legally able....will tell Daddy dearest to go to H.ll, and stay away from him. Will I feel sorry for Daddy at all? NOT a bit. He will have done a perfect job of wrecking their father/son relationship by his own actions.
God bless
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