Not sure what's going on!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Not sure what's going on!
Well, ah came home last night and told me that he "doesn't care what I do"...we had a discussion and he told me that "as soon as I can afford it" he's moving out...all this because I talked about my feelings of being unappreciated! Well, the more we talked, the more it became clear what he was doing.....he was twisting what I said into poor him... He mentioned that he is miserable with his life and figures if he lets me be "free" I won't have to be miseralbe as well!...I was floored! I can not believe that he turned MY feelings into us getting a divorce because as he said "I'm an a$$hole and a bad husband"...which I NEVER SAID! I asked him if getting a divorce would make him happier and he said "No, I'll never be happy. You are a wonderful wife, it's me that is F$%^#$ up." So we chatted about it and I left it at this "I DO NOT want a divorce, I only was trying to express to you that I would appreciate it if you could take notice of me and/or the things I do around here. However, if YOU WANT a divorce, then move out now, please don't stay here and torture me by having to see you every day. I will not beg you, but I hope this is something we can work out. YOU need to decide what YOU want to do..." and I walked away. Funny, while we had a movie on later, he actually was laughing and joking with me...does that sound like someone who wants a divorce??? (would he sit and watch a movie with me if he wanted a divorce from me???)
I am almost positive that he really doesn't want a divorce, but being in that selfish mode that he is in..he can only see what HE wants, thinks and feels, he twisted this around to be about him, instead of taking it for what it was worth...
this happen to any of you before?? It was something compelety new to me...it was weird but I think I handled it okay but then again, did I fall right into his issues???
UGH!
I though I'd done good, not I'm not sure...but when he was talking, it was odd, I heard his voice, however, I saw his mom's face! They way he was talking it looked and sounded just like his mom!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, now day 2...still not sure..He was trying to twist this around and make ME feel guilty...I gotta tell you, he almost did it, but the rational side of me said "wait a minute...if he wanted a divorce, would he wait around until he could afford to move out?" NO...not this man...if he wants to do something, he does it, regardless of money! "He's feeling guilty because the truth hurts, so he wants to make me feel guilty too!" I got through the evening fine and still am positive this morning but man, I had to share with all of you how sick and twisted this became!! So much for my feelings being taken the way one would think they should be right/?? ...
Just say a little prayer for us that he gets his act together and sees that he is WAY overreacting to this.....otherwise, brace yourselves for me making no sense at all...divorce is not what I want, but I will deal with it if he wants one, I don't want to be the cause of someone elses unhappiness!
Thanks for letting me unload and boy, I hope this makes sense and wasn't too much rambling on and on...I should be a soap star! Wait till I tell you all about my blow out with the outlaw last night as well...I was on a roll!!! (Look out, woman with PMS coming through...back away from me!!! LOL
)
Sped teach
I am almost positive that he really doesn't want a divorce, but being in that selfish mode that he is in..he can only see what HE wants, thinks and feels, he twisted this around to be about him, instead of taking it for what it was worth...
this happen to any of you before?? It was something compelety new to me...it was weird but I think I handled it okay but then again, did I fall right into his issues???
UGH!
I though I'd done good, not I'm not sure...but when he was talking, it was odd, I heard his voice, however, I saw his mom's face! They way he was talking it looked and sounded just like his mom!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, now day 2...still not sure..He was trying to twist this around and make ME feel guilty...I gotta tell you, he almost did it, but the rational side of me said "wait a minute...if he wanted a divorce, would he wait around until he could afford to move out?" NO...not this man...if he wants to do something, he does it, regardless of money! "He's feeling guilty because the truth hurts, so he wants to make me feel guilty too!" I got through the evening fine and still am positive this morning but man, I had to share with all of you how sick and twisted this became!! So much for my feelings being taken the way one would think they should be right/?? ...
Just say a little prayer for us that he gets his act together and sees that he is WAY overreacting to this.....otherwise, brace yourselves for me making no sense at all...divorce is not what I want, but I will deal with it if he wants one, I don't want to be the cause of someone elses unhappiness!
Thanks for letting me unload and boy, I hope this makes sense and wasn't too much rambling on and on...I should be a soap star! Wait till I tell you all about my blow out with the outlaw last night as well...I was on a roll!!! (Look out, woman with PMS coming through...back away from me!!! LOL
)Sped teach
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hey Teach...
I think what he's telling you is he doesn't intend to change. Maybe he doesn't want a divorce either, but it sounds like he finds it preferable to cleaning up his act. I expect he's finding out if you're going to cave.
The ball is squarely in your court. Do you accept him as is? Then work on the letting go.
Is the way he is unacceptable? Then make an appointment for co-counseling, but be prepared for it not to work.
If you don't want divorce, no way, no how... then it's you that has to change. We can't make other people change ... no matter how much we think they should.
Hugs,
Smoke
I think what he's telling you is he doesn't intend to change. Maybe he doesn't want a divorce either, but it sounds like he finds it preferable to cleaning up his act. I expect he's finding out if you're going to cave.
The ball is squarely in your court. Do you accept him as is? Then work on the letting go.
Is the way he is unacceptable? Then make an appointment for co-counseling, but be prepared for it not to work.
If you don't want divorce, no way, no how... then it's you that has to change. We can't make other people change ... no matter how much we think they should.
Hugs,
Smoke
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
he twisted this around to be about him
I agree with Smoke, though. He is not reacting in a way that says "Gee, I now realize I am wrong and I want to work to change that to please my mate." He is saying "Gee, you are saying I am no good, I already think that, and I don't think that will change. The only thing I can suggest is you get away from me." Thus he is making it your problem to do something about. He knows he won't.
As Smoke says, either accept him as he is and use the skills Al Anon can teach you to cope with it, or decide what you want to do if you can't accept it. You cannot change him, or change yourself in any way that you hope will manipulate him into changing. Because, as you know, they only will ever change for themselves, not for someone else.
Hang in there.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
In my younger days this used to happen all the time to us before I wised up. I would bring up some inane subject he didnt want to talk about or worse yet he would be wrong about something. Instead of having a normal calm discussion he would bring out "the big hammer". Well if you think Im so terrible maybe I should just leave. Of course this would distract me and Id spend my time saying I didnt think he was horrible and that I didnt want a divorce. And he didnt have to address the original point. What a deal. HUH.
One day a light went off. This is crap. What does asking you to turn down the tv or some other stupid **** have to do with getting a divorce. The next time he pulls this I say You know what if you want a divorce just say so. You dont have to pick a fight over some stupid ****. And I agree with you yes you are horrible but I dont think its necessary to divorce you just yet. So how about turning down the tv. Thought I forgot didnt ya. LOL.
And guess what. We still had our problems but miraculously that one went away. LOL.
I dont think yours wants a divorce either. He just doesnt want to deal with the situation and he figures he can distract you. He knows you dont want a divorce and he figures youll be so shocked by the D word youll forget about everything else.
One day a light went off. This is crap. What does asking you to turn down the tv or some other stupid **** have to do with getting a divorce. The next time he pulls this I say You know what if you want a divorce just say so. You dont have to pick a fight over some stupid ****. And I agree with you yes you are horrible but I dont think its necessary to divorce you just yet. So how about turning down the tv. Thought I forgot didnt ya. LOL.
And guess what. We still had our problems but miraculously that one went away. LOL.
I dont think yours wants a divorce either. He just doesnt want to deal with the situation and he figures he can distract you. He knows you dont want a divorce and he figures youll be so shocked by the D word youll forget about everything else.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Oh yes, I agree completely and he said out loud "what you see is what you get...you can't accept me for who I am"....
No, I don't see that he is going to change and when I talked to him about my feelings, I HONESTLY DIDN'T EXPECT anything to change, I just NEEDED to express MY FEELINGS...so I did...I MADE A POINT of telling him "I'm not saying you are a bad husband, 99.9% of the time, I am thrilled by you, but right now, I am feeling unappreciated"....UGH! I wanted to hit him in the head and say "DUH, I'm still here aren't I?? Doesn't that tell you I DO accept you???" But of course, that wouldn't have worked either!
Cecilia~ I agree, it's easier for him to run and flee a situation then face it!
Sped teach
No, I don't see that he is going to change and when I talked to him about my feelings, I HONESTLY DIDN'T EXPECT anything to change, I just NEEDED to express MY FEELINGS...so I did...I MADE A POINT of telling him "I'm not saying you are a bad husband, 99.9% of the time, I am thrilled by you, but right now, I am feeling unappreciated"....UGH! I wanted to hit him in the head and say "DUH, I'm still here aren't I?? Doesn't that tell you I DO accept you???" But of course, that wouldn't have worked either!
Cecilia~ I agree, it's easier for him to run and flee a situation then face it!
Sped teach
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 53
Sped-
There is something in Codependant No More that talks about the cycle of guilt. I'm very loosely paraphrasing.
... Alcoholics carry around a lot of guilt. They are guilty all the time. We should not add to their guilt because that would just increase theirs, leading to more drinking and more guilt...
Sounded like crap to me at first. Why shouldn't we tell them how we feel? We have that right.
But IT IS WHAT IT IS. Telling them doesn't change anything. I used to tell Bob stuff about my feelings all the time and he would pull the 'do you want me to leave? card. After a while I realized that nothing would be gained by expressing my feelings--nothing would change, he wouldn't feel better and in the long run I felt more frustrated for not getting through to him.
Once I realized that I had to accept the way life was.Then I could decide if this was the life for me. You might decide on a different course than I did but decide if telling him how you feel is really worth all the aggravation.
Hope this gives you a new outlook.
There is something in Codependant No More that talks about the cycle of guilt. I'm very loosely paraphrasing.
... Alcoholics carry around a lot of guilt. They are guilty all the time. We should not add to their guilt because that would just increase theirs, leading to more drinking and more guilt...
Sounded like crap to me at first. Why shouldn't we tell them how we feel? We have that right.
But IT IS WHAT IT IS. Telling them doesn't change anything. I used to tell Bob stuff about my feelings all the time and he would pull the 'do you want me to leave? card. After a while I realized that nothing would be gained by expressing my feelings--nothing would change, he wouldn't feel better and in the long run I felt more frustrated for not getting through to him.
Once I realized that I had to accept the way life was.Then I could decide if this was the life for me. You might decide on a different course than I did but decide if telling him how you feel is really worth all the aggravation.
Hope this gives you a new outlook.
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Roch NY
Posts: 3
Hi Spedteach,
I also felt the need to express my feelings to my A. I felt that I was not giving him or our marriage a fighting chance if he didn't know how I felt. I am not good with conflict so it took a huge effort on my part to finally say the things I felt. Well, he kind of pushed me to that point with a disrespectful phone call to me at work, some comment about me sleeping with my therapist. He's a piece of work sometimes. Anyway, I tried to keep away from the drinking aspect of our problems. I have to tell you, I felt like a huge weight was lifted after our discussion. Things didn't change, but I felt better, like I had made some progress. I finally opened my mouth, something I probably should have done years ago. Good luck to you. I hope everthing works out.
DH
I also felt the need to express my feelings to my A. I felt that I was not giving him or our marriage a fighting chance if he didn't know how I felt. I am not good with conflict so it took a huge effort on my part to finally say the things I felt. Well, he kind of pushed me to that point with a disrespectful phone call to me at work, some comment about me sleeping with my therapist. He's a piece of work sometimes. Anyway, I tried to keep away from the drinking aspect of our problems. I have to tell you, I felt like a huge weight was lifted after our discussion. Things didn't change, but I felt better, like I had made some progress. I finally opened my mouth, something I probably should have done years ago. Good luck to you. I hope everthing works out.
DH
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
DH~
Thanks and I agree, I don't expect that anything will change as far as how he is, but I do feel a huge weight off my shoulders now that he knows how I feel. I can't lie about my feelings and I refuse to not express them any longer because he won't change or whatever..that's fine, but I also have a right to express them! He is back to talking to me and really, he too seems to be more relaxed now...and we've even joked around about how he perceived some of the things that I said differently then I meant them!!!
Good luck to you too!
Sped teach
Thanks and I agree, I don't expect that anything will change as far as how he is, but I do feel a huge weight off my shoulders now that he knows how I feel. I can't lie about my feelings and I refuse to not express them any longer because he won't change or whatever..that's fine, but I also have a right to express them! He is back to talking to me and really, he too seems to be more relaxed now...and we've even joked around about how he perceived some of the things that I said differently then I meant them!!!
Good luck to you too!
Sped teach
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: dysfunction junction,nc
Posts: 381
(((((sped)))))
I too have exspessed feelings to my A and unfortunately it ended up the same way. He took the guilt off of himself and laid it back in my lap. I don't understand how or why but they always seem to take the heat off of themselves and put it back on us. I guess its their way of saying I'm not going to change for you or anyone else. So, then you have to decided what you can or can't live with. Like Smoke said "the ball is in your court".
Take care.
2many
I too have exspessed feelings to my A and unfortunately it ended up the same way. He took the guilt off of himself and laid it back in my lap. I don't understand how or why but they always seem to take the heat off of themselves and put it back on us. I guess its their way of saying I'm not going to change for you or anyone else. So, then you have to decided what you can or can't live with. Like Smoke said "the ball is in your court".
Take care.
2many
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