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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
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New here!
Hi! I'm new to the site and recently back from a troubled vacation w addict brother (who lives in another state), his enabling wife, and my parents (they live near me) who are largely in denial.
My brother, age 35, has been involved w alchohol/drugs for years - starting in high school with pot, and now for the past 5 -10? years doing coke on a binge when he's had enough alchohol. The lies are endless. His wife sometimes breaks down and "rats him out". But she has turned in to a problem drinker herself. I don't trust them at all. They have a son, almost 5, who is now aggressive, and was pinching my kids (ages 7 and 9) for the whole 2 days we stayed at the beach house (There was a "scene" and we left to go to a more relaxing hotel on the beach and get some peace for the remainder of the week.) Yes, I know we should never have gone to a beach house w them. I felt guilted into it by my parents and the fact that my kids wanted to see their cousin. The hardest part was trying to explain to my crying kids why we were leaving.
I haven't spoken to my brother since the trip. I'm really trying to detach myself from him, since I just can't trust him anymore. (The first night at the beach he told my husband he is trying but is not "perfect", that its been like one whole month since he's had a drink. In addition he bragged to my husband about some of his mistresses, one of which he met at an AA meeting! He even told him he has opened a separate Facebook account to communicate w these women so that his wife won't get mad!) He truly doesn't think he has a problem, and sadly his wife has totally enabled him. (She left at one point after he had a 3 month stint at in-patient rehab, but since she returned over a year ago, things have gone down hill.)
I'm really sickened about this whole thing. Its so sad. I think at this point I'll just have as little to do w him as possible. The question is how do I maintain sanity and distance if they come up for Xmas and my parents want us all to get together? I have a hard time cutting my kids off from their Uncle, Aunt and cousin, but at the same time the relationship is pretty toxic.
Thanks for listening. I'm considering going to an Al-anon meeting.
Alisa
My brother, age 35, has been involved w alchohol/drugs for years - starting in high school with pot, and now for the past 5 -10? years doing coke on a binge when he's had enough alchohol. The lies are endless. His wife sometimes breaks down and "rats him out". But she has turned in to a problem drinker herself. I don't trust them at all. They have a son, almost 5, who is now aggressive, and was pinching my kids (ages 7 and 9) for the whole 2 days we stayed at the beach house (There was a "scene" and we left to go to a more relaxing hotel on the beach and get some peace for the remainder of the week.) Yes, I know we should never have gone to a beach house w them. I felt guilted into it by my parents and the fact that my kids wanted to see their cousin. The hardest part was trying to explain to my crying kids why we were leaving.
I haven't spoken to my brother since the trip. I'm really trying to detach myself from him, since I just can't trust him anymore. (The first night at the beach he told my husband he is trying but is not "perfect", that its been like one whole month since he's had a drink. In addition he bragged to my husband about some of his mistresses, one of which he met at an AA meeting! He even told him he has opened a separate Facebook account to communicate w these women so that his wife won't get mad!) He truly doesn't think he has a problem, and sadly his wife has totally enabled him. (She left at one point after he had a 3 month stint at in-patient rehab, but since she returned over a year ago, things have gone down hill.)
I'm really sickened about this whole thing. Its so sad. I think at this point I'll just have as little to do w him as possible. The question is how do I maintain sanity and distance if they come up for Xmas and my parents want us all to get together? I have a hard time cutting my kids off from their Uncle, Aunt and cousin, but at the same time the relationship is pretty toxic.
Thanks for listening. I'm considering going to an Al-anon meeting.
Alisa
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I hope you check out a few meetings. There's so much wisdom to gain 
Learn how to let go of guilt and respect/honor yourself. Learn how to say no with love, and offer compromise without compromising yourself.
We're taught the 3 C's of addiction: we didn't cause it, can't control or cure it. We can contribute to it, though, by enabling. Those 3 C's also apply to codependent/toxic relationships.
I learned how to detach from my recovering addict daughter (RAD), how to stop feeling and being responsible for any of her stuff. Then I learned I could apply it to all my relationships. Addiction started a huge domino effect in my life, and I can say now I'm grateful for all I've learned.
The question is how do I maintain sanity and distance if they come up for Xmas and my parents want us all to get together?
We're taught the 3 C's of addiction: we didn't cause it, can't control or cure it. We can contribute to it, though, by enabling. Those 3 C's also apply to codependent/toxic relationships.
I learned how to detach from my recovering addict daughter (RAD), how to stop feeling and being responsible for any of her stuff. Then I learned I could apply it to all my relationships. Addiction started a huge domino effect in my life, and I can say now I'm grateful for all I've learned.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 93
Thanks for your response. I have found a lot of wisdom already just reading thru a lot of the posts on this site. Letting go is hard, but maybe in comparison, isn't really that hard at all. What about my parents? They want to believe this has all just "gone away" (my brothter's addiction). Do I try to convince them? or just let them figure things out on their own?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Exactly where my HP wants me to be
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by Troubledsister 
Thanks for your response. I have found a lot of wisdom already just reading thru a lot of the posts on this site. Letting go is hard, but maybe in comparison, isn't really that hard at all. What about my parents? They want to believe this has all just "gone away" (my brothter's addiction). Do I try to convince them? or just let them figure things out on their own?
Take care of you and your family first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: McLean VA
Posts: 93
So how do I stop thinking about it? I know, just focus on myself, my family. But it weighs on my thoughts so much of the time.
After my family decided to leave the beach house, my brother called to say "can't we please fix this for mom and dad, and for the kids? I'll do anything, etc...". I know I made the right decision in not coming back to the house (and going to a hotel w my family) but it still is weighing on me. I guess its easy to get sucked in to the few nice things the addict does. Or is it just that he feels slightly remorseful and tries to do a quick repair? That's why his enabling, drinking wife says she stays - she remembers how he CAN be (like when he was clean for 16 months post in-patient rehab)...
After my family decided to leave the beach house, my brother called to say "can't we please fix this for mom and dad, and for the kids? I'll do anything, etc...". I know I made the right decision in not coming back to the house (and going to a hotel w my family) but it still is weighing on me. I guess its easy to get sucked in to the few nice things the addict does. Or is it just that he feels slightly remorseful and tries to do a quick repair? That's why his enabling, drinking wife says she stays - she remembers how he CAN be (like when he was clean for 16 months post in-patient rehab)...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Troubledsister,
I just wanted to say, "hugs!" I too have been learning from this forum. There is so much wisdom. I can't always get to meetings but I read the literature and get on this forum. It has been healing.
Addiction just takes over and every member of the family is impacted. . . Best to you and your family. It takes courage to do something different, as you've chosen.
I just wanted to say, "hugs!" I too have been learning from this forum. There is so much wisdom. I can't always get to meetings but I read the literature and get on this forum. It has been healing.
Addiction just takes over and every member of the family is impacted. . . Best to you and your family. It takes courage to do something different, as you've chosen.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hi Troubledsister: Welcome to SR. We are so glad you are here and journeying into a new way of approaching the "cunning and baffling" effects of addiction on the family. But it sounds like you've got some good boundary-setting already in that you decided to leave that crazy situation at the beach house, protect your kids, and enjoy some aspect of the vacation.
You may not realize it, but your actions in leaving that situation and moving a little bit away (to the motel) spoke VOLUMES to everybody there. Without saying a word, you told them all, "there a problem here, i can't fix it, i hope you do fix it, and in the meantime i'm keeping me and my family at a distance if you all can't act right." You also told your children, "when people don't treat you right or don't act right, this is how you handle it." WOW! and all in your actions.
I just heard the other day that, in a situation with active addiction, the addict does not pay attention to our words - only our actions. And un-recovering loved ones of the addict pay attention to the addict's words but ignore their actions.
Again, welcome! There's lot of ESH (experience, strength, hope) around here. I'm glad I came, and I hope you stay long enough to get. Very soon you'll be giving away to others what you have received, and that's a good feeling.
You may not realize it, but your actions in leaving that situation and moving a little bit away (to the motel) spoke VOLUMES to everybody there. Without saying a word, you told them all, "there a problem here, i can't fix it, i hope you do fix it, and in the meantime i'm keeping me and my family at a distance if you all can't act right." You also told your children, "when people don't treat you right or don't act right, this is how you handle it." WOW! and all in your actions.
I just heard the other day that, in a situation with active addiction, the addict does not pay attention to our words - only our actions. And un-recovering loved ones of the addict pay attention to the addict's words but ignore their actions.
Again, welcome! There's lot of ESH (experience, strength, hope) around here. I'm glad I came, and I hope you stay long enough to get. Very soon you'll be giving away to others what you have received, and that's a good feeling.
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