Eight Ball

I have a tendancy to get obsessed with things - in the past if I had a problem to solve (even if it wasnt my problem) I would research all that I could about the subject, before dealing with it. I think my obsession stems from not feeling in control and learning about something helps to fill a void. For example my AH ex boss owed him some wages and I basically read so much about debt recovery, contractor vs employee law that I could have sat the lawyer exams (not quite but you get the picture). I wrote all the letters and compiled a case for the employment tribunial and I spent hours up at night on my own researching about case law and documenting. After 2 years, we eventually won the case and fought to obtain the lost wages through the debt recovery system.

I know now that this is codependancy at work and these days I ask myself if its my problem to solve, if it isnt, I move on and forget about it, so much more healthy.

However, since discovering that my AH of 22 years is an alcoholic, I have been busy reading and learning all that I can on alcoholism. I attend Al-anon and read Al-anon books but I have also been purchasing a lot of other books about alcoholism/codependancy - 'Outwitting Your Alcoholic', 'Living with a Functional Alcoholic', Marriage on the rocks : Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic, 'Detachment' etc. I know I cant Control my AH, cure him and didnt cause his drinking but I am obsessed with wanting to come to terms with it and find peace for me. At the moment this isnt happening, so I continue to read and study.

My AH as part of his disease always looks at ways to 'guilt' me or seems to look for words to use about me that he knows 'gets to me' and his latest is telling me that I am obsessed. He sees the books I am reading, which some have confronting titles, (although they all talk about the 3 c's and that you have to put yourself first) and asks me why I am reading about him and I say that his drinking effects me and I want to learn how to deal with that for my benefit so that I can look after myself, make choices for me and so that I can see the signs and dont allow him to verbally abuse me.

My wise adult daughter says that I am not obsessed and that I am just learning about the desease.

I am sure that some of us on SR are overly interested to some level, we are visiting this site regulary and reading books on codependecy and other books, visiting Al-anon etc. Perhaps my AH has just struck a nerve with me (which he likes to do) and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me reading and educating myself on the disease, afterall it does effect me too. Maybe he is just quacking. To be honest, I think he likes that I am in Al-anon because I now realise that I have no control over his drinking and have stopped 'digging' at him or 'nagging' at him to cut down and just leave him to live the life he chooses and retreat to my 'safe bedroom' when agitated by him. But I wonder whether the books subtly confront him too much that it makes him uncomfortable - who knows/cares about him!

I Just want some thoughts from those wise ones of you out there about whether I am ok or need to revaluate my own actions for my own sanity.

missb89

I'm not a wise one, but I relate to you completely. I've always "obsessed" myself, and did the same thing with alcoholism after a very rocky breakup with an A. In my case, learning as much as I could about it helped me to understand him better, and concreted the fact that there was nothing I could do to change him. It made me comfortable and accepting of my choice to leave. Knowledge is power, and I believe learning about alcoholism, and emotional abuse, helps you to know that you're not crazy when he will try to blame shift/guilt/name-call you for taking care of YOU.

barb dwyer

Even Lao-Tzu knows the advantage of studying the enemy.

So in THIS particular woman's book
there's nothing wrong with learning
all you can about the many different approaches
rhetoric, definitions, treatements and theories
about this disease
until you come to some kind of peace within yourself.

what's your gut telling you?

that's where all these books are ultimately going to lead you.

Good for you - broadening your understanding.

Eight Ball

My star sign is libra the scales and I do a lot of balancing! So much so that my head rattles sometimes when it is filled with ying/yang thoughts and chaos!

The books do help: they all say similar things but certain sentences will jump out at me and make sense. I still act like a blibbering idiot around my AH though and cant seem to 'nip' certain behaviours in the bud and allow them to escalate too far. When I read some of the posts on SR, some of you seem to find just the right words to stop any unwanted behaviours but I can never seem to find the right things to say or actions to do.

My gut is telling me that I am feeding my codependency issues by obsessing, but my head is telling me to find out all that I can about the disease so that I can find peace and understanding. My heart is currently telling me that my 22 year marriage is ultimately going to fail, as he chooses beer and I appear to be choosing to want to have a husband who asks about my day and listens not falls asleep. A husband who wants to spend time with me not sit on his own listening to loud music and a husband who will put me first and thinks that I am much more special than a beer bottle. Its a sad realisation that is slowly sinking in.