HIgby442

Lastnight I was doing my typical Saturday evening thing-went to a meeting, then went to the coffee shop for a decaf coffee and hit the road for a 15-20 minute ride to think about things, put stuff in perspective and listen to some good tunes. Usually, this is an awesome, happy and motivating experience.

Lastnight, I was sitting at a stop light and out of nowhere-I mean I wasnt even down, or thinking that I was in a tough place because it was saturday, a holiday weekend, and that I was 27 and sober-I was really happy, relaxed and calm. Out of nowhere, a thought popped in my head saying: You know what? Screw this....why not just go back to the old life and drink/drig till I pass out tonight. I mean I was on the verge of saying screw all the good things going on in my life, and just do what I used to. It only took me 30 seconds to go "whoa! wait a minute". Once I started driving after the light turned green, I actually laughed out loud and said "man I really am powerless over this still-I need help tonight HP". Luckilly the moment passed and no more cravings or thoughts like that hit me.

This morning I took a real good inventory of where I was at in my sobriety and noted that I needed to work on some old ways of thinking of mine like jealousy and a lack of self-confidence. I know that I need to re-focus on some core parts of my sobriety to keep thoughts like that at bay.

I guess the think that stuck out to me the most was how suddenly all the good things of being sober can just suddenly be washed away by your mind and you can look to the past and say "why not"? I hate my past and love my sobriety and never want to go back there. But, there I was, 245 days of sobriety under my belt, and I almost gave in subconsciously.

I think that having the ability to say to myself that I was powerless still, and that I needed help is what got me out of that moment. Thank God I had that thought and asked for help. It never ceases to amaze me how fast the old thoughts come back when you least expect them.

Sorry for the long post, but I just needed to get this off my mind. I am so glad to be sober, and glad to be here.

All the best

CarolD

Glad to know you came home sober....

Where are you in your Steps?

Anna

I'm glad you got through the moment, I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

LexieCat

Good for you, Higby, for recognizing the need to do some more work. Have you called your sponsor?

least

I'm glad your rational mind won over the addict voice. I often pass by the drive thru where I used to get my wine. I think to myself when I pass it: "boy oh boy is it nice to not have to go there anymore." I do get cravings out of the blue sometimes but am getting really good at recognizing them for the addict voice they are and ignoring them.

artsoul

Glad to know I'm not the only one! The way I look at it, I trained myself (or allowed myself) to let alcohol rule my thoughts for a long time. Those stray thoughts will pop up from time to time after all that history. In the first couple months especially, they really got to me, but there's less power in them the longer I'm sober. It's a real testimony to your recovery that you were able to laugh at them.

Thanks for the post - it reminds me that we can get through the urges and put that alcoholic voice right where we want it!

coffeenut

I think it's normal to have those thoughts. I also think it gives you strength when you're smart enough to know it is just a stupid thought, and not something that you MUST act on.

I've got a little over 2 years...........and did almost the same thing this weekend. I've learned from it and moved on.

What I've learned, is that I'm afraid I was becoming complacent in my sobriety. Lately I haven't had 'enough time' for SR. Really? I had hours and hours to be a drunk, I can come up with a little time for my sobriety.

Not meaning to hijack your thread....I'm just really identifying with what you said!

DayTrader

Reliving the story of Fred huh?? (BB pages 39 - 42) --well, you didn't drink this time like Fred did though
Physically, I felt fine. Neither did i have any pressing problems or worries. My business came off well, I was pleased and knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon.
.......the thought came to mind that it would be nice to have a couple cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. (sic - Fred goes on to drink - DT)
As soon as I regained my ability to think, I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all.
.....I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help at all in those strange mental blank spots.

It wasn't "luck" that those thoughts went away after you asked HP for help my man.... that's how He rolls!

I've learned to look at instances like that as warning shots.....or flairs shot into a night sky. I BETTER take notice of them and that's exactly what you did. 9x out of 10 I have an thought like you did when things ARE going well. They're going great, in fact. Ususally, when I see that "warning shot" and I start to assess what's happening in my sobriety, I notice pretty quickly that my humility is wayyy down, my ego is wayyyy up, I'm taking credit for most everything I do (including my sobriety) and there hasn't been much HP in my life.

Repeated instances like that hit me the same way. That's why so many long-timers in AA push the "HP" concept so hard...because a lot of the times for many alcoholics, HP's the only defense we've got.

You're on the right path Higby.... keep that mind open, keep searching and keep moving forward!