Letting Go is Tough
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: kamloops
Posts: 4
Letting Go is Tough
I first posted (A Classic Story) in April. I have had a really hard time letting go of this person and have yet to figure out why. Every time I come here and read the posts; I feel the support through others’ stories and responses. Just knowing that it’s not just me is support in itself. Also, whenever I felt like phoning my ex, I would come here first (just for a reminder), and I would not phone.
He kicked me and my kids out at the end of April ’09 in a drunken madness. I got drawn back in (long distance only) more than once. In fact, every time I talked to him on the phone, I got sucked back in. Each and every time, there was always something in the conversation that reeked of manipulation and dishonesty and I would be angry with myself for not jumping on it or having the guts to call him out. The reason? Experience has taught me that, no matter what I say, he will end up looking like the injured party. He has this real talent for quickly changing the topic, (even offering an apology for doing so) being offended that I should ever suggest calling a foul on him, dropping subtle comments to illicit sympathy (for whatever the current plight might be and therefore shifting responsibility onto someone else) and a polished knack for tapping into the loving emotions (his favorite greeting? “Hello, Beautiful”).
All this, and more, creates an internal conflict (which others have mentioned) that tends to disturb and drain a persons’ well being. I know this man is an alcoholic. I know that he expects others to believe and accept, as he does, his lies and denials surrounding his drinking. After all, he now admits to being an alcoholic and does not drink until the next binge. Maybe he can make it three months next time and maybe not drink for as long, however, as of now, he has not taken any real steps to recovery because he says he can do it on his own and he knows everything. He’s been to all the sites. I know that this man is very selfish and very spoiled. It’s all about him. It’s all about what he needs in his life. It’s all about having a partner to validate his being, his needs. Yet, he knows how to talk the honest, good side. He claims to be a good, loving person (and is for the most part). He is disturbed by others hurtful ways and the plight of our universe. He has one set of moral rules that all should strive to follow—with one exception—him. He can deceive, hurt and treat others unfairly if he feels justified in doing so. At this age in his life, 50’s, after using alcohol for a good 45 years, I don’t see much hope for him without real treatment. Alcohol can only take so much blame before one looks to a person’s internal character. This man was spoiled and selfish and learned how to manipulate long before he ever took his first drink. The issues that fuel his drinking have been stacked one on top of the other since childhood. Unfortunately, they relate closely to the female figures in his early life which, I believe, is the underlying cause of many failed relationships. It’s all very sad and even sadder that he is just one of millions like him.
As for me, I finally told him I was through (in an e-mail). I realized that I could not find forgiveness or healing while still involved (even if it was only once every couple of weeks or longer). I felt guilt for hanging on to something I knew I had to let go of. I didn’t want to lose the companionship, but I had to. I reached my emotional limits; my self-respect was at risk. I am hurt, sad, resentful and angry. I’m angry that he is who he is and in being so, robbed us of even friendship. I’m angry that he couldn’t take his share of the responsibility and be honest and fair when I moved out. On one hand professing his love and on the other, cheating me from what is rightfully mine. It’s not even much—all replaceable—and it has nothing to do with alcohol (unless he is at the point where alcohol has damaged his brain) but it is the principle behind the action that bothers me the most. I am sad that I lost my companion (we did have fun together). I am resentful that I gave up (and lost) so much for him whereas he gave up nothing and benefited from knowing me.
I feel that there is a chance that he is, in his own warped mind, punishing me for leaving him. This is his justification. I abandoned him—I gave up on our relationship—our partnership—our life together. What this possibly really means, to his spoiled and selfish self, is that now he is alone--no one to validate his person, no one to share his expenses, no one to share his life and no one to follow his rules. It also means that he, once again, has to find someone else to fulfill his needs—play the game all over again. It’s no wonder he pulled all the emotional strings to keep me attached.
I don’t want to believe that this is the way it is because it really hurts to think that someone intentionally took advantage of me. I don’t want to believe that my trust and faith was misplaced and abused, but the facts and his actions are clearly defined.
It’s been almost a month since I sent that e-mail and I don’t feel much better. I can’t pretend he didn’t happen, because the consequences are part of my life now. I have difficulty accepting that it took me so long to close the door. I have been really hard on myself for the turmoil I caused in my kids lives.
It leaves me questioning myself and my actions. It leaves me feeling angry that I have to deal with all of these emotions and negative thoughts that disturb my sleep and well-being. I didn’t want to learn this lesson. I know I’m grieving not just the loss of the relationship, but the loss of the home I had with my kids. I can never replace lost time.
It helps to write my feelings here and to know that someone will relate and listen. It’s not easy for me to admit to needing support because I feel like I’m whining and I should be tougher, stronger and more resilient and not make such big mistakes. Thanks to all of you for being here for others.
He kicked me and my kids out at the end of April ’09 in a drunken madness. I got drawn back in (long distance only) more than once. In fact, every time I talked to him on the phone, I got sucked back in. Each and every time, there was always something in the conversation that reeked of manipulation and dishonesty and I would be angry with myself for not jumping on it or having the guts to call him out. The reason? Experience has taught me that, no matter what I say, he will end up looking like the injured party. He has this real talent for quickly changing the topic, (even offering an apology for doing so) being offended that I should ever suggest calling a foul on him, dropping subtle comments to illicit sympathy (for whatever the current plight might be and therefore shifting responsibility onto someone else) and a polished knack for tapping into the loving emotions (his favorite greeting? “Hello, Beautiful”).
All this, and more, creates an internal conflict (which others have mentioned) that tends to disturb and drain a persons’ well being. I know this man is an alcoholic. I know that he expects others to believe and accept, as he does, his lies and denials surrounding his drinking. After all, he now admits to being an alcoholic and does not drink until the next binge. Maybe he can make it three months next time and maybe not drink for as long, however, as of now, he has not taken any real steps to recovery because he says he can do it on his own and he knows everything. He’s been to all the sites. I know that this man is very selfish and very spoiled. It’s all about him. It’s all about what he needs in his life. It’s all about having a partner to validate his being, his needs. Yet, he knows how to talk the honest, good side. He claims to be a good, loving person (and is for the most part). He is disturbed by others hurtful ways and the plight of our universe. He has one set of moral rules that all should strive to follow—with one exception—him. He can deceive, hurt and treat others unfairly if he feels justified in doing so. At this age in his life, 50’s, after using alcohol for a good 45 years, I don’t see much hope for him without real treatment. Alcohol can only take so much blame before one looks to a person’s internal character. This man was spoiled and selfish and learned how to manipulate long before he ever took his first drink. The issues that fuel his drinking have been stacked one on top of the other since childhood. Unfortunately, they relate closely to the female figures in his early life which, I believe, is the underlying cause of many failed relationships. It’s all very sad and even sadder that he is just one of millions like him.
As for me, I finally told him I was through (in an e-mail). I realized that I could not find forgiveness or healing while still involved (even if it was only once every couple of weeks or longer). I felt guilt for hanging on to something I knew I had to let go of. I didn’t want to lose the companionship, but I had to. I reached my emotional limits; my self-respect was at risk. I am hurt, sad, resentful and angry. I’m angry that he is who he is and in being so, robbed us of even friendship. I’m angry that he couldn’t take his share of the responsibility and be honest and fair when I moved out. On one hand professing his love and on the other, cheating me from what is rightfully mine. It’s not even much—all replaceable—and it has nothing to do with alcohol (unless he is at the point where alcohol has damaged his brain) but it is the principle behind the action that bothers me the most. I am sad that I lost my companion (we did have fun together). I am resentful that I gave up (and lost) so much for him whereas he gave up nothing and benefited from knowing me.
I feel that there is a chance that he is, in his own warped mind, punishing me for leaving him. This is his justification. I abandoned him—I gave up on our relationship—our partnership—our life together. What this possibly really means, to his spoiled and selfish self, is that now he is alone--no one to validate his person, no one to share his expenses, no one to share his life and no one to follow his rules. It also means that he, once again, has to find someone else to fulfill his needs—play the game all over again. It’s no wonder he pulled all the emotional strings to keep me attached.
I don’t want to believe that this is the way it is because it really hurts to think that someone intentionally took advantage of me. I don’t want to believe that my trust and faith was misplaced and abused, but the facts and his actions are clearly defined.
It’s been almost a month since I sent that e-mail and I don’t feel much better. I can’t pretend he didn’t happen, because the consequences are part of my life now. I have difficulty accepting that it took me so long to close the door. I have been really hard on myself for the turmoil I caused in my kids lives.
It leaves me questioning myself and my actions. It leaves me feeling angry that I have to deal with all of these emotions and negative thoughts that disturb my sleep and well-being. I didn’t want to learn this lesson. I know I’m grieving not just the loss of the relationship, but the loss of the home I had with my kids. I can never replace lost time.
It helps to write my feelings here and to know that someone will relate and listen. It’s not easy for me to admit to needing support because I feel like I’m whining and I should be tougher, stronger and more resilient and not make such big mistakes. Thanks to all of you for being here for others.
rebel
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
rebel,
you didn't ask for any advice, so i'd just like to say that you are in a good place when you come to this message board. come here when you are scared, hurting, questioning, or joyous. we will walk with you.
i can't stress enough how crucial it is for you to remain in NO CONTACT with this wounded man. especially because of your children. they do not deserve to have someone who is abusive in their lives, nor do they need to witness this type of relationship you two have had. the more they do, the more likely they will end up in one themselves one day.
you didn't ask for any advice, so i'd just like to say that you are in a good place when you come to this message board. come here when you are scared, hurting, questioning, or joyous. we will walk with you.
i can't stress enough how crucial it is for you to remain in NO CONTACT with this wounded man. especially because of your children. they do not deserve to have someone who is abusive in their lives, nor do they need to witness this type of relationship you two have had. the more they do, the more likely they will end up in one themselves one day.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, you are at the right place to start your healing process. Keep posting, read the stickys and if you want a good book to read try "Codependent No More", it is available at your local library.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Welcome to SR -
I hope you'll make many new friends here.
There's a wealth of wisdom
compassion and friendship right here
I hope you'll find the answers you're looking for.
You're not alone.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, rebel,
I can relate to everything you wrote. It takes time to recover from a relationship like that, and support helps immeasurably.
Keep reading and posting here, and you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. Even with the alcoholic out of your life, the relationship leaves traces that damage us.
Hugs,
I can relate to everything you wrote. It takes time to recover from a relationship like that, and support helps immeasurably.
Keep reading and posting here, and you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. Even with the alcoholic out of your life, the relationship leaves traces that damage us.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Hi Rebel,
While I don't have kids, I can still relate to your post in so many ways - the feelings of anger, guilt, how this whole relationship has affected my well-being and sanity.
Like you, I gave him so many chances, hoping against hope that things would be different, but the outcome was always the same.
I finally closed the door a couple of weeks ago and went totally no contact. He has tried to visit, I have told him to leave, tried to email (blocked), message me on FaceBook, MSN (blocked) and even so far as to try calling me from another phone-I rerouted all of my home calls to my cellphone where I have a small voicemail inbox-filled so he can't leave a message. Yes, he has pulled out all of the stops this time, but I'm not falling for it.
I am blessed to have a wonderful Al-anon group to support me, friends in that group who are so caring and loving and a faithful and loving - if somewhat spoiled dog who loves me unconditionally and who also has been affected by this whole situation - he is just now beginning to settle in, free from my stressed out moods, his chaos.
Posting here on SR, sometimes just reading the posts, rereading the stickies has helped me stay strong when I am tempted to pick up the phone or send an email or write a letter to him. There's so much support and love and wisdom here to help you through these dark periods.
I start school on Tuesday, so I have a focus. I will be busy and meeting new people, seeing what goes on in the world while my EXABF still stays stuck in neutral in his world.
Hugs coming to you, Rebel........
While I don't have kids, I can still relate to your post in so many ways - the feelings of anger, guilt, how this whole relationship has affected my well-being and sanity.
Like you, I gave him so many chances, hoping against hope that things would be different, but the outcome was always the same.
I finally closed the door a couple of weeks ago and went totally no contact. He has tried to visit, I have told him to leave, tried to email (blocked), message me on FaceBook, MSN (blocked) and even so far as to try calling me from another phone-I rerouted all of my home calls to my cellphone where I have a small voicemail inbox-filled so he can't leave a message. Yes, he has pulled out all of the stops this time, but I'm not falling for it.
I am blessed to have a wonderful Al-anon group to support me, friends in that group who are so caring and loving and a faithful and loving - if somewhat spoiled dog who loves me unconditionally and who also has been affected by this whole situation - he is just now beginning to settle in, free from my stressed out moods, his chaos.
Posting here on SR, sometimes just reading the posts, rereading the stickies has helped me stay strong when I am tempted to pick up the phone or send an email or write a letter to him. There's so much support and love and wisdom here to help you through these dark periods.
I start school on Tuesday, so I have a focus. I will be busy and meeting new people, seeing what goes on in the world while my EXABF still stays stuck in neutral in his world.
Hugs coming to you, Rebel........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: kamloops
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
rebel,
especially because of your children. they do not deserve to have someone who is abusive in their lives, nor do they need to witness this type of relationship you two have had. the more they do, the more likely they will end up in one themselves one day.
especially because of your children. they do not deserve to have someone who is abusive in their lives, nor do they need to witness this type of relationship you two have had. the more they do, the more likely they will end up in one themselves one day.
thanks,
rebel
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
It isn't the letting go but the "resistance" of letting go that is hard. Be like water. Go with the flow......Well--- with time I got to where I was like water and could stop resisting and go with the flow.......step 3......
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