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Old 09-04-2010, 02:20 PM
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Friends

When I stop drinking (and I AM going to say WHEN, not IF), I will have no friends if I have ANY hope of staying sober. I will also need to stay away from my parents.

I've already ostracized myself from these people... and am drinking even more due to being lonely.

How do I cope and live and feel normal with absolutely NO FRIENDS????
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Old 09-04-2010, 02:34 PM
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Wow that sounds familiar...by the time i stopped i had pushed my family away so they couldnt help me out of another of my tight spots which would enable me to get back on my feet and start drinking again, had ensured that i would never be welcomed back at the bars again or by my drinking buddies and had one friend left in the world and that was an ex GF...

Long story short, she got into a new relationship and told me on Sunday night...i was a mixture of sad but happy for her and was not too far gone to see that our relationship as friends would obviously change and she was the very last person to leave/be pushed away...

At that point it was just me, i had no-one left to enable me and nothing to lose and the following Tuesday i walked into AA, found someone who had been sober a while (20 years) and seemed happy and asked them would they tell me how they did it and i would do whatever it took to copy what they had done...

Now 15 months later i know what a friend is, and have a few, and have a whole bunch of aquaintances who care about me, just got married, moving country and am slowly building bridges with family in a mature, sane and responsible manner...

If you had told me any of that would happen about 16 months ago i would have called you a couple of names and told you to **** off...see it can change with effort and willingness.
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Old 09-04-2010, 02:58 PM
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If you want to make some acquaintances that won't lead you to drink, all I can say is AA can do that. Often after you meet a few people, you can join in some arranged activities where the point is to have fun without drinking. I was invited to some things but I did not like the activities so I turned them down (they were all at the beach- so NOT my scene!) but my point is this: there is some hope you can get some new company and maybe even friends in the process. You don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to as far as AA. Some people there may shove things down your throat, so to speak- but just get what you can out of it... Just a suggestion.
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:10 PM
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I've had most of my friends since middle school, way before we ever started drinking. They all know my deal nowadays and support it, they aren't gonna quit drinking though. I've been around them when they are drinking, to be honest hasn't bothered me. We usually just hang out and watch tv/sports/movies/played games anyways, drinking isn't always involved either. If they were to go out to the bar or have a party or just around outside and drink I wouldn't bother joining them though, nothing for me to do.

I would not want to go through life with no friends, so I'd just do what I would have to do to make some new ones.
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:13 PM
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You say that you have friends now, but if you stop drinking that you won't. Are these really your friends or are they just drinking buddies? If this is the situation, then real friends won't care if you stop drinking.

If you have a desire to stop drinking, then try an AA meeting. Reach out and tell people this. I have made many wonderful friends in AA who I would have never expected to meet. I would advise putting the plug in the jug, trying an AA meeting, and reaching out.

Perhaps you have been drinking a lot and don't know how to make friends sober. This was certainly my case. It took time and effort on my part. True friendship needs the time to grow.

You could also join a club or a grassroots organization. I have met some wonderful people that way too. There is group for everyone on ***** Groups.
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Old 09-04-2010, 03:46 PM
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I'm sorry that you are feeling alone right now. Thats never a good feeling. At first I felt like I had to seperate myself from my drinking friends as well. The stronger I became in my sobriety the more I was able to be around people who were drinking, and it didnt tempt me anymore. Maybe you just need to take a hiatus for a while.
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:02 PM
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I can tell you my experience.

I had to remove a couple of people, including a family member from my life, right at the beginning of my recovery. I KNEW I had to do it. Amazingly, within weeks of doing that, two women showed up in my life, and became teachers/friends/mentors. I never would have believed it possible. But, sometimes, you need to open up a space in your life, in order to grow.
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Old 09-04-2010, 04:36 PM
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The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "He clamors for this and that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job-wife or no wife- we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God."

I have struggled with this also, but as long as you put your trust in God and believe you will get better, everything will fall into place, as well as friends. I suggest going to an AA meeting and start reading the big book.
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Old 09-04-2010, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by kae View Post
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "He clamors for this and that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for.
"anything worth doing is worth doing right now"
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Old 09-04-2010, 05:51 PM
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Hmm....
I decided to get sober and joined AA.
I told my social circle ...all excessive drinkers at best.
I truned down all invitations
I also declared my apartment was now a no drinking zone.

This cleared my life and allowed me time to work on mysefl

I found an AA group of mostly singles.....
We did all sorts of interesting things outside of meetings...
and we stayed sober.together.

AA people are fun loving non drinkers...after all..
many of us were formally the "party" crowd.


I re located and now....in another group...
they do a lot of outdoor activities.
This weekend was "Camping in the mountains"
for 15 plus kids.

I did not want to go...ccamping is not my deal.
Instead....I attended a noon meeting...4 of us
went for lunch and shopping after.

One thing about AA....I've never been lonely
or board.

Last edited by CarolD; 09-04-2010 at 06:10 PM.
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Old 09-05-2010, 05:19 AM
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I have been very blessed in that all my friends have been very supportive of my choice to quit drinking. It does mean, though, that I receive far fewer invitations for evenings out than I used to. However, I still socialize with the true friends of mine - we just do different things. I often meet them for lunch instead of after work for drinks. Other friends of mine invite me out for dinner. Or I will hang out at a friend's place for an evening and bring my own non-alcoholic beverage.

It is a big change, particularly when our worlds were all based in pubs holding drinks. But as a lot of people can attest, it definitely can be done. Although things won't be the same, I can assure you they will be better. You will find a few high quality friends which will give you a lot more than a huge crowd of people who just sit around and drink and tell the same things over and over again.
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Old 09-05-2010, 05:27 AM
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Here's another little anecdote that might help you. Because I wasn't sitting in pub every night this summer, I had to find other ways to fill my time. I sat in my yard every night and read books. I told one of my friends about a book I had read that I thought was absolutely spectacular. She told me she had it ordered from Amazon. Then we got talking about other books that we had been reading or were about to read. I've known her since 1999, and I had no idea that we liked to read the same genre of books - she said the same thing. It's the main thing we talk about now, and we are swapping books left right and centre!

I guess the point of my anecdote is that you should go ahead and be sober, and let your friends know that this is your intent. You might be surprised at how many others are thinking the same thing, and you might be even more surprised at what you have in common with your friends besides a cup of liquid.
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Old 09-05-2010, 06:29 AM
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I agree with the poster who questions whether the friends you refer to are true friends or just drinking buddies. And I'm also someone who has found lots of wonderful new friends through AA. But I wonder if it might not be possible to go to one or two of your current friends, get them aside and confide about your situation, and try to maintain a friendly relationship with them - just without the drinking. You might be surprised at how some of these people can rise to the occasion and be supportive of your not drinking - and remain your friends. Anyways, just a thought.

Take care,

Stephanie
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