The possibilites and my update and other babbling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
The possibilites and my update and other babbling
Hello (((SR)))
Just an update on me. I am still running! It feels good. I mean great. I am going to Alanon...I met another addict and he got the boot so I am getting stronger and seeing the pattern and behavior. He was nice enough to offer to NOT smoke pot when we would be going on a date. What a gentlemen. Classy too
Ok I will stop with the zingers now.
I no longer miss my stxah. (shocking beyond belief) I know I have triggers and I stay away from them. If he fell in front of me tomorrow I would step over him and keep walking. Not because I am heartless or that I hate him. I simply have no interest in going back to that place and having EVEN ONE conversation with someone like him. Hey, I am a codie and I know how quickly I can get sucked back in. I may even have forgiven him. Is forgiveness the same thing as not giving a sh*t about him anymore and knowing he has no clue what he is doing and its not his fault?
It feels fantastic to be me again and I am somewhat grateful because I had to face myself and my fears due to being married to him.
I no longer fret that I have to face him in court and I no longer feel bad about the settlement that I have asked for because it was my money and he should pay me back! Maybe everyone gives him a break because he is such a nice guy and this seems to happen often but since I know him so darned well I can say: his niceness does not matter. My future and taking care of myself including financially does matter. If I dont get the settlement it wont matter that much. It will be a disappointment but really I want the divorce more than anything.
I wanted to share this because I know there are new folks here and I want to give a bit back. When I first came to this board, I was a roller coaster of emotions. One day I would post I loved him and then next day I went to see a lawyer...WOW..my emotions where every where and I could not control them. I received advice here to go no contact, be good to myself and surround myself with those who love me. I thought everyone here was a bit nuts (sorry!!).
No contact seemed brutal. I had many moments when I was mad at this board for telling me this and often thought " they dont understand how much I love him". My HP stepped in. Slowly, one minute at the time I faced the pain of no contact. I talked to WHOEVER would listen to my story. Some days I ate a bag of reeses peanut butter cups to make it thru, another day I starved myself and some days the wine came out and one days I slept right thru. The physical and emotional pain seemed unbearable and there were many nights of crying in the fetal position on my bedroom floor trying to figure out why God did this to me. I was reminded of everything about him in every room of my house.
My no contact started on May 26. I just wanted to tell you that no contact saved my life. It did. At one point I felt suicidal and these folks helped me. I was embarrassed about the divorce. I was overwhelmed with feelings back then but letting my heart and mind forget him and this so called love I thought we had and being able to breathe again and sleep at night and focus and even date again - that was my miracle. I had someone over the other evening and I actually had a fun date. First time ever!! He isn’t my type and there won’t be another date but it was super fun to be playful and watch TV and laugh and feel free to be me. Later that night I thought to myself: I made it through. I can laugh and have fun again. Even with the opposite sex. I am still not ready for serious commitment and maybe that has a bit to do with that fact I am still legally married! lol. Who knows what my future will be.
A few weeks ago I had a dream about a snake hissing at me. Now I want to point out I never dream! Or I never remember them. I was freaked out and looked it up and it had several interpretations and most of them were not good. One of them said it was a rebirth I was heading too. I started running a few days later and it has changed my life. Last week I had another dream...this one is hard to explain without sounding like a flake. I often asked God why he let this happen to me. Basically playing the victim role and I never realized I was doing that. In my most recent dream...Someone very lovingly and gently said or got the message to me that this wasn’t done TO ME. It wasn’t really about me..the drinking etc. It was about my stbxah. He made his choices and this is where it got us both. I am now ok, my stbxah isnt. My HP wasnt punishing me. He was trying to save me. As usual my HP was right.
I hope that didnt come across too corny. I just never have dreams like this. I am not that person who even cares about dreams. This one was pretty powerful. It gave me permission to completely let go. Or I am becoming a deranged lunatic who is now delusional
Back to my main point to those who are starting out..Sometimes you hear things here you don’t want to but LISTEN to it. I promise. I was a non believer and thought I always new best. I listened here. I have happiness again. I am alone and so very happy.
That is my update.
Hugs
Lulu
Just an update on me. I am still running! It feels good. I mean great. I am going to Alanon...I met another addict and he got the boot so I am getting stronger and seeing the pattern and behavior. He was nice enough to offer to NOT smoke pot when we would be going on a date. What a gentlemen. Classy too
Ok I will stop with the zingers now. I no longer miss my stxah. (shocking beyond belief) I know I have triggers and I stay away from them. If he fell in front of me tomorrow I would step over him and keep walking. Not because I am heartless or that I hate him. I simply have no interest in going back to that place and having EVEN ONE conversation with someone like him. Hey, I am a codie and I know how quickly I can get sucked back in. I may even have forgiven him. Is forgiveness the same thing as not giving a sh*t about him anymore and knowing he has no clue what he is doing and its not his fault?
It feels fantastic to be me again and I am somewhat grateful because I had to face myself and my fears due to being married to him.
I no longer fret that I have to face him in court and I no longer feel bad about the settlement that I have asked for because it was my money and he should pay me back! Maybe everyone gives him a break because he is such a nice guy and this seems to happen often but since I know him so darned well I can say: his niceness does not matter. My future and taking care of myself including financially does matter. If I dont get the settlement it wont matter that much. It will be a disappointment but really I want the divorce more than anything.
I wanted to share this because I know there are new folks here and I want to give a bit back. When I first came to this board, I was a roller coaster of emotions. One day I would post I loved him and then next day I went to see a lawyer...WOW..my emotions where every where and I could not control them. I received advice here to go no contact, be good to myself and surround myself with those who love me. I thought everyone here was a bit nuts (sorry!!).
No contact seemed brutal. I had many moments when I was mad at this board for telling me this and often thought " they dont understand how much I love him". My HP stepped in. Slowly, one minute at the time I faced the pain of no contact. I talked to WHOEVER would listen to my story. Some days I ate a bag of reeses peanut butter cups to make it thru, another day I starved myself and some days the wine came out and one days I slept right thru. The physical and emotional pain seemed unbearable and there were many nights of crying in the fetal position on my bedroom floor trying to figure out why God did this to me. I was reminded of everything about him in every room of my house.
My no contact started on May 26. I just wanted to tell you that no contact saved my life. It did. At one point I felt suicidal and these folks helped me. I was embarrassed about the divorce. I was overwhelmed with feelings back then but letting my heart and mind forget him and this so called love I thought we had and being able to breathe again and sleep at night and focus and even date again - that was my miracle. I had someone over the other evening and I actually had a fun date. First time ever!! He isn’t my type and there won’t be another date but it was super fun to be playful and watch TV and laugh and feel free to be me. Later that night I thought to myself: I made it through. I can laugh and have fun again. Even with the opposite sex. I am still not ready for serious commitment and maybe that has a bit to do with that fact I am still legally married! lol. Who knows what my future will be.
A few weeks ago I had a dream about a snake hissing at me. Now I want to point out I never dream! Or I never remember them. I was freaked out and looked it up and it had several interpretations and most of them were not good. One of them said it was a rebirth I was heading too. I started running a few days later and it has changed my life. Last week I had another dream...this one is hard to explain without sounding like a flake. I often asked God why he let this happen to me. Basically playing the victim role and I never realized I was doing that. In my most recent dream...Someone very lovingly and gently said or got the message to me that this wasn’t done TO ME. It wasn’t really about me..the drinking etc. It was about my stbxah. He made his choices and this is where it got us both. I am now ok, my stbxah isnt. My HP wasnt punishing me. He was trying to save me. As usual my HP was right.
I hope that didnt come across too corny. I just never have dreams like this. I am not that person who even cares about dreams. This one was pretty powerful. It gave me permission to completely let go. Or I am becoming a deranged lunatic who is now delusional
Back to my main point to those who are starting out..Sometimes you hear things here you don’t want to but LISTEN to it. I promise. I was a non believer and thought I always new best. I listened here. I have happiness again. I am alone and so very happy.
That is my update.
Hugs
Lulu
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow,
Thanks for a real UPPER of a post. I especially liked this: This is a HUGE realization, and really what freedom is all about. We can't control others, but we can save ourselves (with the help of our HP).
Thanks for a real UPPER of a post. I especially liked this:
I often asked God why he let this happen to me. Basically playing the victim role and I never realized I was doing that. In my most recent dream...Someone very lovingly and gently said or got the message to me that this wasn’t done TO ME. It wasn’t really about me..the drinking etc. It was about my stbxah. He made his choices and this is where it got us both. I am now ok, my stbxah isnt. My HP wasnt punishing me. He was trying to save me. As usual my HP was right.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
From Dream Moods Dictionary: Words That Begin With S
As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive change.
As a positive symbol, snakes represent healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive change.
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